Asking me what I’ve done all day

[Goodbyegreysky]

Bit of background-worked all my life many hours until having dc later. Stayed at home until Dc started Pre school. She now goes three days per week. I work two weekday evenings and one weekend morning. I do mostly everything else at home-all school runs, food shop, Cleaning bills, drs appointments etc etc.
I’m mid forties with some health issues and possibly peri, i’m
always tired. The money I earn is good, I pay into pensions and own half the house, should I be working more?
I can feel the expectation/possible resentment in Dh’s voice when he asks what I did today (on the days Dd is at school)
Some days I do just relax (or try to!) is that wrong?
Today, I’ve been for blood tests, done some food shopping, read, watched tv and been on here. I’ll pick Dd up, dog walk, make dinner, wash up etc etc then take her to bed.
If I’m earning an ok amount and doing all the other bits, should I also be working every minute she’s not with me at home?
I’m tired and sick of being made to feel I’m lazy or something. Am I pulling my weight enough?

Am I pulling my weight enough?

You say you work 4 half-days a week, that's about 12 hours; compared to his 40 hours, so that's 28 hours more by him.

You have sole responsibility for child for 2 full weekdays , so that's about 16 hours more by you.

Presumably he has sole responsibility for the child during your one daytime shift a week, so that's about 4 hours more by him.

You do all the cooking/cleaning/shopping/etc, that'd surely make up another 16 hours per week.

28 - 16 + 4 - 16 = 0, so you're equal.

The reality is that there is no right or wrong - there is only what works in your household.

Talk to him. You need to find a middle ground that works for both of you - and that involves work, housework, parenting - all of it.

If you work more, he'll have to pick up at home more fairly.

Not the same thing at all, but I’m retired and have a very active life in many different ways. Quite a few people and organisations benefit from me giving my time and effort.

Some people make offensive comments about ‘lucky boomers’, and other stupid things like: “I wish I was so lucky.”. Well, when YOU retire it’s up to you if you prepared for it, and put the effort (and money) in.

I have acquaintances who will sooner or later say: “Oh gosh, what do you do all day?”. I can never quite understand what they think they are doing with this comment. I don’t have to explain myself to anyone. OH and I regularly talk and know what we’re doing and where we are etc.

Maybe they just don’t think how it comes across.

Maybe they just don’t think.

There’s a reason I say acquaintances and not friends…

Could you write down the things you do in a day. And if he’s definitely being a*y about it not do some of the things. So don’t do the food shop and walk the dog so he’ll have to do all that after work. Wonder if that would make your point? X

@MysteryBelle Almost cried reading that, sounds ridiculous, but it’s hard when your worth seems to be based on paid work outside of the home. Without all the other crap, it would all fall apart. I only have to be sick for a couple of days and it does just that.

@pastaandpesto He goes out a couple of evenings at week with friends or to their houses and at weekends I often take Dd out to play dates for a few hours with friends etc, so he has some time, I appreciate its not as much as me at the moment. In his free time there’s no cleaning, cooking, just pure free time

You can't be cooking, cleaning life admin for 3 days though. You also get the weekends.
Who looks after DD when you are working?

I don't even think it's about the hours worked.
If you are cleaning for example and you get tired you can just stop and read your book, who is going to judge you?
When your husband is at work and he gets tired can he just stop? Or does he have a supervisor hanging over his shoulder or deadlines to meet?
I would be very resentful if I thought my partner was having a lovely chilled day whilst I was slogging my guts out at work!

Ask him if he wants to drop to part-time, and for you to increase your hours so that you’re both doing equal paid work.

Remind him that if he wants that to happen, he’d also be doing equal unpaid labour: childcare and chores.

See what he says.

“I can feel the expectation/possible resentment in Dh’s voice when he asks what I did today (on the days Dd is at school)”

“I’m tired and sick of being made to feel I’m lazy or something.”

I’m fairly sure the OP is a pretty good judge of her partner of however many years and so if she suggests she’s made to feel lazy and feels his resentment (as per her comments above) I’m going to assume she’s a good judge of what her husband is getting at when he asks that question

People misconstrue other peoples thoughts or intentions all the time. She talks about how she feels, not about what he’s said. Fortunately we have the ability to talk so we don’t need to guess or assume, we can just ask! I’m not sure why she hadn’t just asked him how he feels and had a chat about it.

Discuss the options with him, lay it all out. Give him the list of things he will need to take responsibility for if you increase your work outside the home hours and the additional costs of this. Then agree your family plan and agree to respect each others work

where I feel you are unreasonable is not talking this through with him and coming to an informed decision together
your current set up is fine, working more would also be fine - so long as you both agree
Your post comes across as you having decided that this is how it’s going to be by yourself. That’s not fair! You don’t get to decided that he has to be the main breadwinner and you do the other stuff……maybe he wants a fairer split?

If you’re earning less, and he is subsidising that, then I think he absolutely has a right to expect you to work more. Being a stay at home parent/part time working to be a parent only works if your partner absolutely supports this because it does mean that they are picking up the slack financially.

This. With a child out in preschool 3 days a week, all the cleaning and housework in the world doesn't fill a 37 hour working week, which is why OP can fill her day with tv & mnet.

You don't sound very productive op. Id say this a differently facet of when people question the financial split in a marriage because one party (usually the DH) has access to a higher proportion of spending money from the family budget.

Why do you deserve more leisure time than your DH?

Honestly I wouldn't be happy if my partner (in his 40s) was gently winding down to a retirement lifestyle, which is what this looks like to me with the TV, reading, blood test, walking the dog, shopping, relaxing etc. You mention that you have worked all your life, which is normal because you, in your forties, are half way through your working life. But it doesn't sound as if you ever intend to work full time again?

I wouldn't love to go to work every day and come home to a relatively young man who had spent the day pottering. If he had a disability or diagnosed chronic illness that would be different, or if he were caring for 4 children of different ages and needs it might make sense. But one child, at school...I would be wondering if he was depressed or lazy. But I wouldn't be tiptoeing around it, I would ask when he was going back to the day job.

Also I am saying this as a perimenopausal woman in her late forties - I too am more tired than I was ten years ago. But the less you do, the less you can do, and I don't think opting out of work is the answer.

You've fallen into the low productivity trap of many low/un employed people, of allowing the relatively few tasks to fill the time you have, when most things don't need that much time.

I work 30h a week, look after my kids before and after school 3 days a week, do a big chunk of cooking, cleaning, etc. You're kind of making a meal of it op and it sounds like you're living off your DH.

This thread is BONKERS!

Yes, there are times when the OP watches tv or goes shopping in the day when her husband is at work.

That situation is reversed in the evening when the OP is working and the husband is watching tv and relaxing. He does very little in the way of chores in the evening.

He has more free time in the evenings and weekends, she has more free time in the day, some of which she uses for 'me time ' and some of which did household chores and tidying.

If she was working those 3 (short preschool) days instead of the evening/weekend work, then people wouldn't be talking about her 'semi retired lifestyle' even though it would be the same/similar hours.

I think it sounds like you do loads!! So all your DH has to do is go to work and come home?
To those saying OP is relaxing, depending on what type of work her DH does, I bet he spends time relaxing throughout the day too!
Running a house, doing all the food shopping cooking, cleaning, washing, hanging up of washing, kids admin etc takes a huge amount of time and effort.
I'd find it far easier to work set hours and have everything else done for me.

If she was working those 3 (short preschool) days instead of the evening/weekend work, then people wouldn't be talking about her 'semi retired lifestyle' even though it would be the same/similar hours.

I would tbh, because of the way she describes her day and the fact that she isn't planning to increase her work hours. She says she has worked all her life and now she is tired and menopausal and needs to rest and so she is just paying up her pension and doing everything at home (one child, currently at preschool, so everything is not THAT much). It's not the fact that she isn't working full time right now - it's the fact that she is winding down from working to not working.

*If she was working those 3 (short preschool) days instead of the evening/weekend work, then people wouldn't be talking about her 'semi retired lifestyle' even though it would be the same/similar hours.

Um. I would still be saying the exact same thing? I'd still consider op to be "underemployed".

There's a big difference between having childcare for the time you aren't working vs most people working more. Dh and I work more hours than op, and do those hours while kids are in school, so we then have to take on all the childcare & family responsibilities when we get home.

Op's husband might have his weekends off but then has their child around then too.

It's not the fact that she isn't working full time right now - it's the fact that she is winding down from working to not working

Also this. Millions of women work full time despite being into 40s/50s/60s, with children too.

Running a house, doing all the food shopping cooking, cleaning, washing, hanging up of washing, kids admin etc takes a huge amount of time and effort.

No it doesn't! I fit it around work. Online shopping takes minutes, cleaning we all pitch in. Running & hanginh a load of washing takes 20 min max and op only has 1 kid. There's really not a lot of "kids admin* for a preschooler.

He might be picking up the slack financially... what about all the childcare and housework OP does?! Not to mention health issues. It should absolutely not be a 50/50 financial split if OP is doing almost everything else. I work PT and with the exception of about 4 hours sleep a night, every single hour is taken up with chores and childcare. What, I should up my game and work in paid employment more? FFS whatever.

Have a chat and be open and honest with your DH OP, every family is different and has different needs.

But preschool days are short, so presumably she is also looking after and entertaining her preschooler as well as all the other tasks and she is working at weekends. She's hardly sitting on her arse!
You say you 'all pitch in' to clean. Her DH doesn't! He does nothing except work and if you're at home all day with a preschooler there is more cleaning.
I have always worked 3 days and the most relaxing part of my week is the train to work and being at work.

Actually, OP gave an example of her day herself, and she was in fact sitting on her arse. I’m pretty sure she had said she was reading, watching TV and scrolling mnet.