Asking me what I’ve done all day

[Goodbyegreysky]

Bit of background-worked all my life many hours until having dc later. Stayed at home until Dc started Pre school. She now goes three days per week. I work two weekday evenings and one weekend morning. I do mostly everything else at home-all school runs, food shop, Cleaning bills, drs appointments etc etc.
I’m mid forties with some health issues and possibly peri, i’m
always tired. The money I earn is good, I pay into pensions and own half the house, should I be working more?
I can feel the expectation/possible resentment in Dh’s voice when he asks what I did today (on the days Dd is at school)
Some days I do just relax (or try to!) is that wrong?
Today, I’ve been for blood tests, done some food shopping, read, watched tv and been on here. I’ll pick Dd up, dog walk, make dinner, wash up etc etc then take her to bed.
If I’m earning an ok amount and doing all the other bits, should I also be working every minute she’s not with me at home?
I’m tired and sick of being made to feel I’m lazy or something. Am I pulling my weight enough?

If he had to step up and take on half the household chores and childcare, he'd probably find that he actually had something to be resentful about!

He has it easy. I don't know a single woman who works 9-5 and comes back to zero household/childcare responsibilities. Most finish work and then start their 'second shift'.

I guess the point is, is he happy with the situation? It might be what he's always done and you might think it's a good trade because he has nothing to do when he gets home but how does he feel about it?

There's nothing wrong with the amount you work if you are both happy with the set up, it's just not clear whether you both are. Have you asked him?

I swear I have read this exact same thread, and the cat / house sitting one before?
Or is it me?

It's not what he asks OP but How he asks it.

'What have you done today' as opposed to 'what have you done all day' are two different things. One is a question and the other is well... it's one of those type of barbed questions you can only answer using swearwords or an implement.

Tell him if he continues to question how you spend your days you will match his working hours and he can pick up 50% of the housework, childcare, life admin etc, which should give him a better understanding

I think what you contribute financially is important here? What % of bills are you paying and do you expect him to pay for everything else? If so, I think YABU when there’s no reason you can’t work more hours.

Both my dh and I used to work full time (same job) and there was no way we could afford a cleaner ir child care (relied on gps)) when needed) and keep up our level of 'comfort and I don't know any family or friends who could.
I now have a few days at home where I do all the household stuff, bills , appointments etc and a.bit of time to myself but once the kids are in they are my responsibility and i make sure that my dh only needs to the basic of stuff/enjoyable parts once he is home.
Our income is less than it was but our family life is way better and less stressful than it was when we both worked full time.
Our wages are joint, its not HIS money. we both bring important things to our family setup, his financial, mine organisational/ homecarer. This works for us but I understand some may not agree.

I ask my partner what he has been doing when we are not together because I am interested, I am not 'questioning' him. The OP seems to think her DP is not happy with the set up but it's not clear why. It doesn't sound like she has asked him, or that he has said anything explicitly to suggest that he is not.

Does he look after DD at the weekend and in the evenings while you're working?
The balance does seem a bit off. You get three childfree days. It doesn't take that long to clean and shop.
If my husband was sitting at home reading while I was working 5 days, 9-5 and not getting a day to myself I'd be pretty annoyed.

I don't think it's about actual contribution. Men are dumb value ambition - or like to think so. All questions in our household got dropped as I started to exercise 5 times a week and got on with my paintings. Apparently, working out and painting accounts for more effort/ambition somehow than "just" cooking/cleaning - even though sports classes and painting supplies cost the money where housework effectively saves it, as cleaners charge 25£ an hour. Duh.

But the thing is, currently all of OP’s bills are being paid from 1 full time salary and 1 part time salary. That already includes 3 days of preschool, so it’s not as if going full time would mean suddenly paying for full time childcare from no childcare, and presumably if DD is now at preschool then they will be at school next year. Doubling one of the salaries coming into the house would leave more money for fun/savings/paying for assistance with cleaning IF needed.

It’s great if your set up works for you, but it can only work for you because your husband agrees with it being that way. I don’t disagree that the cleaning and organising is also important, but the reality is that if the cleaning slacks, it’s just messy, if the person bringing in the money slacks, then the mortgage and bills can’t be paid. That is the most important thing, because without that money there is no house to clean. That means all of the financial pressure is on one person really, and that’s only fair if that person is happy for that to be the case.

@Mrsttcno1 Pre school is free

Sit down tonight and just ask him what is on his mind. tell him to spit it out as you feel you are being interrogated and its not nice.Its the only way you will know.

Maybe he’s just making conversation

Okay @Goodbyegreysky in which case for you to go full time it would either be paying for 2 days of childcare, or any potential to increase preschool to full time.

The bottom line is you are only able to continue as is, if your partner is still happy with supporting the household.

@Rowen32 why should she pay 50% when it sounds like she's doing 90% of the non paid for domestic stuff ? I don't agree with all this 50% stuff unless domestic stuff is 50% fully either.

You’re doing plenty. Does he not understand that someone has to take care of his child while he’s not there, and that your child is at preschool 3 days and needs care the other days and transportation to and from preschool. Plus all the household management, cooking, cleaning. Somebody has to do all the things he gets out of doing. Plus you work and bring in income. Everyone should value the time a parent puts into caring for children. If the parent doesn’t do it, someone has to be paid to do it. Up until mid and late teens as responsibilities can be transferred incrementally to the child as maturity and age allows.

Your husband should be very thankful that he has a job, that you have a job, and that you take care of the family and household. That you have dinner made and a clean house and a well taken care of child and all the admin taken care of when he comes in.

@Crikeyalmighty I think the biggest difference is in the pressure and consequences attached to each. Keeping a house clean is of course important, but if you don’t clean the house for a month, the consequence is … a messy house. If the one bringing the money in sacks off work for a month, the consequence is the mortgage and bills can’t be paid. That is a lot of pressure on one person’s shoulders which is absolutely fine IF that person is happy with the set up, which lots of people are, it works for them as a couple. But if it doesn’t work for the one supporting the household, it doesn’t work for the household at all.

Also even taking money out of it, it’s time. Even 90% of the cleaning etc doesn’t add up to a full time job. I would become resentful if I was going out to work every day to pay the bills to keep a roof over our heads and bills paid, while DH was sitting reading, watching tv and scrolling online all day after cleaning the house which realistically takes probably an hour max, if that each day for a typical house.

Talk to him. Maybe he is feeling the financial stress of been the main earner or maybe he's wondering when it's his turn to slow down a bit with working or maybe he doesn't feel resentful at all.

Have you discussed with your DH about work and home expectations for you both? It may be a problem if he resents being the main breadwinner, maybe he would like to drop a day.

I totally agree but if domestic chores can be shared differently now that daughter is at school and she could be working I can see how husband would be aggrieved..

Is he actually insinuating that you've not done enough?

I used to get this from DP, I'd come home after she'd been at home with DD, and I'd ask how her day was, or what she'd been up to. And sometimes she'd get really defensive that she'd been really busy.

The thing is, I really wasn't bothered, I was literally just making conversation, wanting to know what they'd been up to, but I never managed to convince her that I wasn't either jealous that she'd been off, or implying that the house wasn't tidy enough etc.

I eventually found out that it was because I was coming home and immediately doing a job, like the dishes or tidying or something, and then asking what she'd been up to.

The thing is that I hated my job at the time, so getting home and doing something productive for 15 minutes was my way of getting some of that negative energy out before settling down with my family.

We didn't manage to get to the bottom of it until she went back to work and I kept doing the same thing. One day she just snapped at me "Well I've been at work all bloody day and you still expect me to have washed up!"

I asked what the hell she was on about and we finally had a proper conversation about it.

There’s paid work, housework (including maintenance, decorating, gardening) and childcare (including nurturing, appointments, school runs, etc)

Those are the three pillars of family life. That workload has to be split between parents such that each gets equal rest, and equal access to finances (both spending and decision making)

There are lots of ways to divide it up fairly and equitably. But you have to clearly see that the three pillars exist and so many of these conversations give extra weight to paid labour, or extra privileges to higher paid labour.

I would sit down and map those 5 things out and see what the division looks like and take it from there.

Could he just be showing an interest / making conversation when he asks what you’ve been doing?

I think financial contribution is a red herring here. If I raked it in working one day a week and had four days to spend however I wanted, I think DH would be pretty pissed off if I expected him to slog his guts out 5 days a week just to equal out the finances. It's supposed to be a partnership.

Assuming your are doing OK financially as a household, I think a better measure is how much leisure/down time you both get. From the sounds of it, it might be tipped favourably towards you - you get free time during the week, and also share the weekend benefit of having done all the basic chores during the week. Does he get time to himself at the weekend, as well as family time?

That being said, I think he'd find the reality of life with two working parents a massive shock. It sounds like you do a great job of making family life feel effortless and he may not fully appreciated just how much he benefits from you working PT.

Ultimately I think having one parent PT is the best balance, but only when there is rock solid mutual respect and the lower earner is financially protected (pension contributions etc)