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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU To leave if he won’t marry

124 replies

Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 07:01

My partner and I have been together for 12 years and have 1 DS(9) and one DD (7). We are happy together and have a lovely life, I’ve always wanted to get married , it’s never been important to him. We had discussed early on in relationship and he was more indifferent and said it wasn’t on list of priorities but would do it eventually.

we revisited this conversation when I was pregnant with eldest as discussing names and I stressed the importance for me to have the same name as my children and if he didn’t think he could do marriage the I felt that the children should have my name , he agreed that after kids and getting ourselves a house marriage would be on the cards.

we got a mortgage , got past our starter home into our lovely home now , settled into our careers and have created a lovely life in the part of the UK he is from.

earlier this year the discussion came up again and I was told I could plan something but nothing too big.recently he has seemed more reluctant when discussing what we could do and so I asked the question and he now tells me he never wants to be married .

i feel betrayed by this , and have told him I want the security in our life and the same name as my children ( I refused the idea of deed poll only as that’s a one sided commitment) .

I love this man immensely but not sure I can stay in this situation. AIBU to leave him, de-rail all our lives? It’s not about wanting anyone else as I honestly don’t think there is anyone else for me. I know I will likely be alone however at the same time I feel I have been tricked into building a life I thought was leading somewhere it wasn’t .

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 27/09/2023 07:02

You have been lied to for several years. That’s no basis for a relationship.

Dotcheck · 27/09/2023 07:04

Surely the time to draw your line in the sand was before you had children? That’s the bigger commitment.

Is everything fair financially? Is your name on deeds?

rubyslippers · 27/09/2023 07:05

You can leave a marriage for any reason
what would upset me is being led on for all these years
I think that would really sting
on that basis YANBU

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 27/09/2023 07:07

Is it the wedding he doesn't want or the commitment? Could you go and get married just the 2 of you (and witness)

arethereanyleftatall · 27/09/2023 07:07

You're not the one detailing your lives though. He is. Through his constant lies.

rubyslippers · 27/09/2023 07:07

you know without being married you don’t have the same property and financial rights
is this something which you’ve separately sorted? If not, then this leaves you very vulnerable unless you both own the house and are on the deeds etc

AnSolas · 27/09/2023 07:10

You can leave for any reason.

But you habe 2 children so you will both always end up involved in that part of each others lives.

Is he willing /not willing to go to a registery office with 2 random people off the street to marry you or is it a church and/or a party that he is objecting to?

Shoxfordian · 27/09/2023 07:11

He’s clearly never wanted to get married - he’s been deliberately evasive about it

Original poster
Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 07:14

Money ( as in accounts) is separate , house is together , we are both on good wages but him more, however I have a lot more cash owing to inheritance. I have suggested going and signing civil partnerships papers. With no ceremony as a meet in the middle and he doesn’t know if he can do that. The thing that’s hurts is he can’t tell me why , he’s always been a closed book where I wear my heart on my sleeve. I genuinely love this man and he has always been a wonderful partner in every other sense and an amazing father but I’m worried I am going to start to resent him over this

OP posts:
Attictroll · 27/09/2023 07:16

Are you financially independent. Tbh if you are or if you are actually in a better situation than him I would re evaluate why marriage is important to you. Is it worth more than the life you would lose. Do you think it would fix something. Do you think he doesn't love you as much because you are not married?
I like your dp see marriage as a bit pointless and frivolous it gives me the ick as it's so bizarre and antiquated.

I've seen more marriages fail than succeed. BUT I equally would never put my financial well-being in the hand of someone else so I don't need to be. Do you need to be for security is the other question?

For some of us who don't get marriage it can seem really weird that people want it and really don't get the big deal.

DustyLee123 · 27/09/2023 07:19

I would never marry again so I see his point, but the problem is that he has lied for all these years. You may well love him, but you love a liar, and the resentment will grow. It could ultimately destroy your relationship.

PinkRoses1245 · 27/09/2023 07:20

If you have more money, it’s better not to get married. I think it’s unfair he’s lied to you for so long.

renthead · 27/09/2023 07:22

If he won't even sign civil partnership papers, then I think there is something really wrong with the relationship. It seems like he has one foot out the door.

Azerothi · 27/09/2023 07:25

While I think you were silly not to give the children your name as is traditional, I think your boyfriend was spiteful to say if you gave them his name he would marry you.

Your boyfriend doesn't want to marry you personally and has been very underhand. I would be wondering what else he is doing behind your back.

YourNameGoesHere · 27/09/2023 07:25

renthead · 27/09/2023 07:22

If he won't even sign civil partnership papers, then I think there is something really wrong with the relationship. It seems like he has one foot out the door.

Agreed completely with this. I get not wanting a big song and dance type wedding but the fact he won't even sign civil partnership papers and isn't able to articulate an argument as to why does suggests he doesn't see the relationship as something long term that will last.

I would leave in your shoes. A relationship where he's spent almost a decade lying to you is not a relationship I'd want to stay in.

Coffeepot72 · 27/09/2023 07:26

So he won’t even do a civil partnership? And yet by having children he has entered into a commitment that can’t be dissolved by solicitors.

OP, how would he react if you left him because of this? I’m not a great fan of ultimatums, but if this is a deal breaker for you, a genuine wish, on your part, to leave, may bring him to his senses. But only you know how important this is. But you are not being unreasonable. He has all the perks of marriage without making any of the commitments

PerfectMatch · 27/09/2023 07:28

It was wrong of him to lie about this. Especially the bit about giving them his name.

However, given that you don't need marriage as financial protection, I would think really carefully about splitting up an otherwise happy relationship over this. Maybe seek counselling to talk it through with an independent person (with or without him there)?

Revolutionfrommybed · 27/09/2023 07:32

Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 07:14

Money ( as in accounts) is separate , house is together , we are both on good wages but him more, however I have a lot more cash owing to inheritance. I have suggested going and signing civil partnerships papers. With no ceremony as a meet in the middle and he doesn’t know if he can do that. The thing that’s hurts is he can’t tell me why , he’s always been a closed book where I wear my heart on my sleeve. I genuinely love this man and he has always been a wonderful partner in every other sense and an amazing father but I’m worried I am going to start to resent him over this

He knows why he just doesn’t want to tell you. I couldn’t get past this and the lies.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 27/09/2023 07:33

I understand how you feel OP. He's lied and lead you to believe you would get married, and now he won't. The fact that he won't even consider a civil partnership does seem indicative that he doesn't see this as something for the long haul, and would make me feel like he had one foot out the door.

In your position I would feel hurt and resentful, which is a terrible basis for a relationship. Perhaps consider counselling, but I think in your shoes I'd eventually resent him so much I'd leave 🙁

Coffeepot72 · 27/09/2023 07:33

With my first husband, he was very open to the idea of children, but portrayed total confusion when I suggested marriage should come first, like it was the most bizarre idea ever. Despite the fact that so many of our friends were getting married at that time. I dug my heels in, we ended up getting married, but just over a year later he began the affair that derailed everything. I know my situation is different to yours, but that’s the downside of pushing someone into something they don’t want.

My new DH proposed after six weeks …

Original poster
Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 07:33

There is nothing like that going on , I genuinely think he has been selfish in this circumstance but I have no reason to believe he has done anything else behind my back. Phones aren't locked in our house , we know where each others finances are at but keep them separate . I have had a lot of trauma in my life ( part of the reason I have more cash) during the time we have been together and he has been so supportive. He is often honest to a fault, genuinely does love me and makes me feel loved. I recognise the need for marriage is about my own insecurity and wanting to feel a part of my own family with the same name as him and my children . I’ve had relationships in the past where people have been unfaithful , he works from home , never goes out anywhere except once in a blue moon . We spend our time with our kids or doing date nights - it really is a wonderful relationship which is why this issue is both hurtful and such a dilemma to leave . It would be easier to blow our lives apart if we didn’t want to be together

OP posts:
Cinai · 27/09/2023 07:37

The lies would really upset me and I see why you want to leave. However, as upset as I would be with my DP if he did this, I don’t think I would walk away from an otherwise happy relationship where children are involved. I don’t agree with other PP who say that he’s not fully in. He has children with you, that’s a bigger commitment than marriage. You have every right to be upset but I would try other routes such as serious conversations maybe with a counsellor present.

Thepeopleversuswork · 27/09/2023 07:41

If you have more cash than him you have dodged a bullet by not getting married tbh. Getting married is the last thing you want to do.

I can see why you’re annoyed at being lied to though. He’s also not very bright if he doesn’t understand that marriage would benefit him much more than it would benefit you.

Honestly I would fuck him off. You don’t need him financially and he’s lied to you. What’s the point of him if he’s dishonest and brings nothing financial to the table?

Neodymium · 27/09/2023 07:42

I would tell him if that’s his final answer then you are going to change the children’s names to your surname.

Dacadactyl · 27/09/2023 07:43

Difficult one.

I'm on your side with regard to wanting marriage, but I don't think it's as big a deal to you as you think.

I say that because you wouldn't have given the kids his surname or had a 2nd child if you were that bothered.

Iv been in your situation and refused to give DD his surname and only had one child until we got married. It was very important to me.

I think you are now so far down the line, it'll be hard to change things.

If all other things are going well in your relationship, I'm notnsure I'd blow things up because of lack of marriage. But I do understand why you're annoyed.