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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To leave if he won’t marry

124 replies

Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 07:01

My partner and I have been together for 12 years and have 1 DS(9) and one DD (7). We are happy together and have a lovely life, I’ve always wanted to get married , it’s never been important to him. We had discussed early on in relationship and he was more indifferent and said it wasn’t on list of priorities but would do it eventually.

we revisited this conversation when I was pregnant with eldest as discussing names and I stressed the importance for me to have the same name as my children and if he didn’t think he could do marriage the I felt that the children should have my name , he agreed that after kids and getting ourselves a house marriage would be on the cards.

we got a mortgage , got past our starter home into our lovely home now , settled into our careers and have created a lovely life in the part of the UK he is from.

earlier this year the discussion came up again and I was told I could plan something but nothing too big.recently he has seemed more reluctant when discussing what we could do and so I asked the question and he now tells me he never wants to be married .

i feel betrayed by this , and have told him I want the security in our life and the same name as my children ( I refused the idea of deed poll only as that’s a one sided commitment) .

I love this man immensely but not sure I can stay in this situation. AIBU to leave him, de-rail all our lives? It’s not about wanting anyone else as I honestly don’t think there is anyone else for me. I know I will likely be alone however at the same time I feel I have been tricked into building a life I thought was leading somewhere it wasn’t .

OP posts:

Tumbler2121 · 27/09/2023 08:39

I'll say same as others, if marriage mattered that much, you should have done it before children. If you sense that the relationship is failing now, getting married won't help.

Just remember that if you separate you do not automatically keep the children. You also have no say in what he does or who he brings into their lives. 50/50 or even him somehow saying he should have more could cause you far more grief than not being married.

Milliondollars · 27/09/2023 08:42

If it was before children and a mortgage I would say fine, make the point that you want to marry. But at this stage and because you say it’s a wonderful relationship I wouldn’t leave him. Also you are financially secure so you don’t need marriage.

NoSquirrels · 27/09/2023 08:44

The thing that’s hurts is he can’t tell me why

Hypothetically:

He’s scared of divorce. He’s scared that getting married ‘tempts fate’ and changes the status quo. He’s scared he’ll lose out financially.

Put those reasons to him and ask him
which it is.

If it’s financial, take all the emotion away about ‘commitment’ to you, and talk practically about that. If you split now, you’d have to sell the house (same as in a divorce). If you died tomorrow, he’d be entitled to nothing as you could leave it all in trust to your children (have you made a will?) and vice versa. How would either of you cope financially in that scenario?

I think you need individual counselling, and then potentially joint counselling too if it needs working through. Don’t blow up your lives together over this though, even though you’re very hurt.

Ask him if he’d change his name to yours by deed poll, and have the kids do the same (or double barrel). If not, why not?

minipie · 27/09/2023 08:45

Have you explained it to him the way you’ve put it here? That you feel lied to after the promises in the past, and that you can’t understand his position as he won’t explain his reasons? And especially- that you are even considering leaving over this, despite the relationship being great?

I wonder if he is in denial about quite how important this is to you? What would happen if you gave him an ultimatum?

I do understand people who don’t think marriage is important, but I also think they should be willing to go through the motions if it’s important to their partner - assuming they are genuinely on board with being together for life.

Littlegoth · 27/09/2023 08:49

@minipie Was just coming to say the same.

Explain to him that you feel he has misled you and you feel hurt and betrayed. He has broken your trust and made you feel less valued.

My partner and I plan to marry, we have 2 kids and have been together for 13 years (it’s actually me holding it up and for a really stupid reason, which is I’m trying to lose weight so I’m happy with how I look - really we should just go to the registry office and get it done). If I was in your position though I would feel the same - it would fester and I would always feel that bit of resentment because I had been led on.

Athrawes · 27/09/2023 08:57

You do understand that if you marry and then separate, he will get half your assets?

TrashedSofa · 27/09/2023 08:58

Coffeepot72 · 27/09/2023 08:00

If you decide to stay, I would ensure the children have your surname. Why should he get it all his own way?

Yes, the first priority should be a double barrel.

Startingagainandagain · 27/09/2023 09:00

I am not sure about this because to me it seems that you are both committed to this relationship and have been for some time: you have children, a home together and you are both happy.

So it is probably a case that he does not see the point of marriage as it would not change anything as you are already settled together.

But I can also see your point of view that marriage is important and you had made your wishes clear to him.

Before doing something drastic, I would try to have a calm conversation with him and explain why this is an important step for you and that you would like the two of you to start making plans as had been agreed in the past.

Maybe is there something psychological going on? did his parents divorce and he is deep down scared of marriage because of that?

DustyLee123 · 27/09/2023 09:02

Are there not some financial benefits in being married ? Like pension etc ?

Janieforever · 27/09/2023 09:04

he isn’t lovely. He’s lied to you and future faked you over something significant. This isn’t about you getting counselling. It’s about understanding why he doesn’t want to marry you. Does he think it might end, so he can protect himself financially. Does he want to make sure you can never get your hands on any of his money.

whatever the reason I’d focus on that then make the decision. Have the conversation and find out why

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/09/2023 09:04

I wouldn't break up over him not wanting to get married.

I would be considering the future of the relationship with someone because they had lied to me repeatedly over the years to get what they wanted (kids with their name) and who felt it was OK to say 'no' to something that was a big deal to their partner, without any form of explanation. These two things are not indicative of a healthy relationship. I'd be telling him that and see what his reaction was.

Ohyournotwearingadress · 27/09/2023 09:04

I’ve known two long-standing relationships that married both over ten years. It didn’t work and within three years the marriage was over.

my stepson didn’t wish to marry his long term girlfriend after witnessing his parents divorce.

you’ve got it all in my opinion less the marriage certificate, you’d lose half your inheritance if you married.

so eventually you’ll drive him away because you want a piece of paper, or you’ll get that piece of paper and it will drive him away.

you say life is good, hang onto it, find some peace in what you have.

MojoMoon · 27/09/2023 09:08

Have you both made wills?

It's not romantic but the advantages of being married are most felt when one of you dies or is in a coma.

LongLiveGoblingKing · 27/09/2023 09:09

I think the time for action has passed at this point. If having the same name as your children is important (completely get it, it was important to me as well) you should have given them your name at birth. Why didn't you?

If you left your OH and married someone else, you still wouldn't have the same name as your kids so what would you gain?

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 27/09/2023 09:10

I suspect part of him, maybe not even consciously, thinks someone better might come along.

MrsMarzetti · 27/09/2023 09:12

In your shoes i wouldn't bother getting married. You own half of the house and you have savings i your name. What i would be doing is stashing every spare penny i could because one day you won't be together and it will be a sudden end. I would always introduce him as my Boyfriend, after all he is just that.

Duckingella · 27/09/2023 09:14

I'll never understand this about men;they are willing to be in a long term relationship with a woman,father her children which is a life long commitment and own assets such as property etc with her but won't actually get married;they can't even say it's because they don't want the commitment as it's there anyway and in the event of a split married or not you'd still need to sort housing as you own together and he'd still have to pay maintenance.

At this point the refusal to get married is just immature BS.

ImAStallionBaby · 27/09/2023 09:16

The thought of the woman going through pregnancy, childbirth and all that motherhood involves, and then giving her own children a different surname to her, absolutely boils my blood. Just why?
If it were me, I would move out, get my half value of the property and buy somewhere that I owned, that half couldn't be taken from me.

I would move my own kids in.
And change their surname.

Up to you if you'd want to still date your boyfriend.

Coffeepot72 · 27/09/2023 09:20

This is good advice

Maybe is there something psychological going on? did his parents divorce and he is deep down scared of marriage because of that?

Possibly, but my parents divorced when I was small, so I'm never convinced by that theory

rainbowstardrops · 27/09/2023 09:22

Oh that's really not on of him. Fair enough that some people don't want or feel the need to get married but he's effectively dangled a carrot in front of your nose for years and now he's snatched it away!
Again, I could understand if he doesn't want the spotlight of a wedding but he won't even agree to a quiet wedding or a civil partnership. He is NOT the lovely guy you thought he was.
I'd sit him down and tell him exactly how hurt you feel and how can you trust him when he's lied to you for years. If you don't thrash this out now, you'll just grow ever more resentful of him.

Velvian · 27/09/2023 09:29

I agree with getting your name added to the DCs' names. What a shame you gave them his name at all. I'm sorry that he has been dishonest.

If the DC don't want to change their names, I think I would go the deed poll route.

Original poster

Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 09:35

I’m aware about the children not automatically living with me , I work in this sector. That’s also why I won’t change the children’s names as it’s their identity.

We are discussing declarations of trust and wills to be made ( although aware inheritance tax is an issue , my parents both died young which is why this assurity is so important to me) and he has told me civil partnership and no ceremony isn’t off the table . He says he is open to making me know he wants to be with me and is committed but likewise doesn’t want to be pushed into something just to make me happy and resent me which I get. He is a stubborn man and part of me wonders whether it’s more about me forcing the issue but as I have pointed out , he’s an ample time to make plans himself

OP posts:

newhousenewhouse · 27/09/2023 09:45

I would not get married as you have more money. I have seen other women in this situation and they have been so much better off unmarried and not had to share inheritance.

I wouldn't split up now as still happy but would definitely consider it when children have left home.

endofthelinefinally · 27/09/2023 09:45

God forbid, but if anything happens to either of you, you are not each other's legal next of kin. This could be important if it came to medical decisions. It is perfectly possible to sort out all this stuff without getting married or having a legal partnership but it requires legal advice and money. As you have children you really should get organised.

rainbowstardrops · 27/09/2023 09:48

He says he is open to making me know he wants to be with me and is committed but likewise doesn’t want to be pushed into something just to make me happy and resent me which I get.

But he's ok to whip the carrot away and push you into a situation that you don't want to be in and one that will most likely cause you to resent him

He sounds incredibly selfish and heartless to be honest.

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