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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To leave if he won’t marry

124 replies

Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 07:01

My partner and I have been together for 12 years and have 1 DS(9) and one DD (7). We are happy together and have a lovely life, I’ve always wanted to get married , it’s never been important to him. We had discussed early on in relationship and he was more indifferent and said it wasn’t on list of priorities but would do it eventually.

we revisited this conversation when I was pregnant with eldest as discussing names and I stressed the importance for me to have the same name as my children and if he didn’t think he could do marriage the I felt that the children should have my name , he agreed that after kids and getting ourselves a house marriage would be on the cards.

we got a mortgage , got past our starter home into our lovely home now , settled into our careers and have created a lovely life in the part of the UK he is from.

earlier this year the discussion came up again and I was told I could plan something but nothing too big.recently he has seemed more reluctant when discussing what we could do and so I asked the question and he now tells me he never wants to be married .

i feel betrayed by this , and have told him I want the security in our life and the same name as my children ( I refused the idea of deed poll only as that’s a one sided commitment) .

I love this man immensely but not sure I can stay in this situation. AIBU to leave him, de-rail all our lives? It’s not about wanting anyone else as I honestly don’t think there is anyone else for me. I know I will likely be alone however at the same time I feel I have been tricked into building a life I thought was leading somewhere it wasn’t .

OP posts:

Coffeepot72 · 27/09/2023 11:17

Adreno · 27/09/2023 10:57

You’re not wrong for considering leaving but, realistically, are you going to?

You’ve been completely toothless in this whole thing for the past decade and he’s successfully called your bluff. He knows he has nothing to worry about because you won’t end the relationship. You should have done that before deciding to have a baby but you didn’t- and went on to have a second child with him.

You’ve basically shown him he gets everything 100% his way and you’ll trot along with it.

Harsh but true.

HoneyBadger525 · 27/09/2023 11:21

You are not unreasonable at all OP. Many people on here will tell you to leave him and maybe they’re right but personally I’ve been in a similar situation and I’m so glad I stayed. The way he has gone about it is unfair to you, but I feel many people these days push and push their partner into proposing. That may get them down the aisle, but what basis is that for the long term? I think many people feel ‘trapped’ in marriage and it isn’t right for them. Perhaps he felt he would eventually want to get married and so kind of bought himself some time but actually he still doesn’t feel it’s right for him. He shouldn’t have falsely promised these things but perhaps he knew it would be a dealbreaker and he didn’t want to lose you. It sounds as though you have a lovely relationship otherwise and as you get older and the children grow up, what is more important to you? To get married - still not a definite if you were to leave - or to be with someone who makes you happy and whom you share an otherwise wonderful life with. I know which one I’d choose. I’d been with my partner 20 years when the proposal came and when it did I was shocked as I had already decided I was finally happy without it. Don’t be swayed by the ring and the dress and the photos. It’s the promises that count and if they’re there regardless of the wedding then personally I’d stay where I was happy. But it is your choice - if marriage means more than that, you know what you should do.

Lotsofthings · 27/09/2023 11:28

I understand where you are coming from, and you have a perfect right to feel hurt that he doesn’t want to get married. However in your current situation, if he’s a great dad to your children, I would firstly sort out all the legal stuff like wills and life insurance. Then maybe go for counselling to accept that you aren’t getting married, come to terms that you are happy that way and not drive a wedge between you.

Blingstar · 27/09/2023 11:34

OP why don't you suggest that you both go to counselling together? That might help you to articulate both your points of view on this. Perhaps he is anti- marriage because his parents divorced? Who knows? Counselling might help you both to get to a place where you can reconcile. You are posting on here and this is just going to eat away at you. Do you talk to each other about growing old together? Does he see that happening?

Personally I've never been interested in marriage, it never appealed until I split from my 20 year partner and had no rights to his very large pension. That's the only reason I would encourage marriage now for financial equity. But you are financially sound. All the other legal aspects like next of kin etc could be covered with advice from a family lawyer. I would ensure wills are drawn up and made very clear.

I don't understand why women change their names. But each to their own. You acknowledge that your kids names are their identity, so why is your name not your identity? You say you've moved to his area, I'm not sure why you think you'd fit in more by having his name.

There have been a few examples in my area where people have been together for decades, got married and then got divorced a few years later.

I hope you can resolve this. From your description, you sound very much committed to each other. You have a settled life. The heartache and stress that comes from splitting up a family is traumatic, so please try to work through this. Communication is key here. Good luck.

CurlewKate · 27/09/2023 11:47

@Coffeepot72 "OP, you don't need to articulate WHY you want marriage. It's a perfectly normal thing"

Well, she does really-if her partner doesn't want to get married. Well, maybe not when he has been such a shit about it. But if he had been consistent in not wanting to be married.....

Ladyj84 · 27/09/2023 11:54

My hubby proposed after a week and 4 weeks later got married and have 4 wonderful kids

TellingBone · 27/09/2023 12:12

Ladyj84 · 27/09/2023 11:54

My hubby proposed after a week and 4 weeks later got married and have 4 wonderful kids

Read the room 🙄

LadyBird1973 · 27/09/2023 12:14

He's lied to you and actively deceived you into giving the kids his name. I'd leave over that tbh.

He knows why he doesn't want to get married and he's continuing to lie to you by not sharing that reason.

IdleAnimations · 27/09/2023 12:19

With 2 young children in the mix I wouldn’t just leave. Whatever happened to counselling? Surely that’s a better way to understand his reluctance for marriage - especially when he’s already tied to you with a mortgage and children.

PinkFizz1 · 27/09/2023 12:21

Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 09:35

I’m aware about the children not automatically living with me , I work in this sector. That’s also why I won’t change the children’s names as it’s their identity.

We are discussing declarations of trust and wills to be made ( although aware inheritance tax is an issue , my parents both died young which is why this assurity is so important to me) and he has told me civil partnership and no ceremony isn’t off the table . He says he is open to making me know he wants to be with me and is committed but likewise doesn’t want to be pushed into something just to make me happy and resent me which I get. He is a stubborn man and part of me wonders whether it’s more about me forcing the issue but as I have pointed out , he’s an ample time to make plans himself

He is a stubborn man and part of me wonders whether it’s more about me forcing the issue

@Caughtatacrossroads OP gently, it’s been TWELVE YEARS. Please don’t start blaming yourself for ‘forcing the issue’. It’s been 12 years. If he wanted to… he would have.

OnlyJoking1 · 27/09/2023 12:25

He has lied to you and led you to believe that the two of you would marry.
Aside of the financial stuff and the Childrens names, there’s the issue of next of kin.
When my husband was diagnosed with a terminal illness I was next of kin, I dread to think what would’ve happened if his mother was next of kin, it wouldn’t have been good for me and our children.
When he died I was awarded widowed parent allowance, which at that time wouldn’t have been awarded without being Married.
Seek legal advice, protect yourself and your children.

woulducouldushouldu · 27/09/2023 13:36

If it's not that important to him then he should just do it

DustyLee123 · 27/09/2023 15:10

Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 09:35

I’m aware about the children not automatically living with me , I work in this sector. That’s also why I won’t change the children’s names as it’s their identity.

But you were pushed/misled into having kids with false promises, and giving them his name, and now you are becoming resentful. So he gets his way but you don’t.

SillyBilly1993 · 27/09/2023 15:29

If DH is stubborn and talking about being ‘pushed’ then I would put the ball back into his court.

Remind him that the two of you agreed to a committed relationship and two children who share his name, on the basis that the you would get married. That this was an important promise that he made to you.

Now he has changed his mind. Ask him if this is a deal breaker for him - is he willing to walk away from the wonderful life and family that you have created together because he doesn’t want to marry you?

Make it clear that he is the one who has changed his mind, not you. He is the one who is making this decision, based on what’s important to him. If he chooses to renege on his promise then he is responsible for damaging your relationship permanently and perhaps irreparably.

Make it clear that you accept his right to make a decision on this and that it’s a decision he must make if his own free will, but he needs to accept that you may choose to walk away if the outcome isn’t what you want for your life.

Set this out calmly and matter of factly. Let him stew on it.

AhNowTed · 27/09/2023 17:22

So he was prepared to have 2 children and a mortgage with you, but marriage is too much of a commitment?

From now on OP, protect every penny you have, and take every career opportunity.

You will need both.

Romanov784 · 09/11/2023 07:16

Don't leave him I understand you wish to marry as you also love him so much but he's had children with you? he's been with you 12 years ?if he's loyal supportive and a good dad stay .it's a mess out on the streets these days finding a good one is so rare .you could meet a guy who will offer marriage within months yet be cheating and hitting you within a year.trust me there's nothing out there worth giving up a good support system over a piece of paper

Caiti19 · 09/11/2023 07:46

Did his parents have an unhealthy marriage?

Original poster

Caughtatacrossroads · 15/11/2023 02:50

Given recent messages , just to update that our civil partnership is booked for a no fuss ceremony with just a few members of family there before the end of the year. We’ve given notice and all set, he was unable to provide me an explanation as to why he changed his mind about marriage but has been able to reassure me it was not about me and that he is committed to me after a lengthy and productive conversation about where we were at and where we see the future

OP posts:

heldinadream · 15/11/2023 03:36

That's good news OP. Are you happy with a civil partnership? I hope so.

dhworry · 15/11/2023 05:03

Good news op hope you have a lovely day.

urbanbuddha · 15/11/2023 05:32

Congratulations! He sounds like a good man. I hope you have a lovely day. And long life and happiness.

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 15/11/2023 08:07

Congratulations

Original poster

Caughtatacrossroads · 15/11/2023 09:04

I am , I never needed a big expensive day, I wanted a sign of commitment with some effort and legal protection in it

OP posts:

LetItGoHome · 16/11/2023 10:57

Great update 😀 Have a wonderful day 🎉

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