AIBU To leave if he won’t marry

[Caughtatacrossroads]

My partner and I have been together for 12 years and have 1 DS(9) and one DD (7). We are happy together and have a lovely life, I’ve always wanted to get married , it’s never been important to him. We had discussed early on in relationship and he was more indifferent and said it wasn’t on list of priorities but would do it eventually.

we revisited this conversation when I was pregnant with eldest as discussing names and I stressed the importance for me to have the same name as my children and if he didn’t think he could do marriage the I felt that the children should have my name , he agreed that after kids and getting ourselves a house marriage would be on the cards.

we got a mortgage , got past our starter home into our lovely home now , settled into our careers and have created a lovely life in the part of the UK he is from.

earlier this year the discussion came up again and I was told I could plan something but nothing too big.recently he has seemed more reluctant when discussing what we could do and so I asked the question and he now tells me he never wants to be married .

i feel betrayed by this , and have told him I want the security in our life and the same name as my children ( I refused the idea of deed poll only as that’s a one sided commitment) .

I love this man immensely but not sure I can stay in this situation. AIBU to leave him, de-rail all our lives? It’s not about wanting anyone else as I honestly don’t think there is anyone else for me. I know I will likely be alone however at the same time I feel I have been tricked into building a life I thought was leading somewhere it wasn’t .

He earns a good wage and we go half and half on everything so I would t say he brings nothing to the table financially. We are both children on divorce so always knew we both wanted to keep our finances separate, who has earnt more has fluctuated over the years at different stages of our careers but we are both over the higher tax threshold , and he has never made plans for spending my inheritance and has provided good advice on how to protect it better and directed me where to educate myself better about this. He is genuinely a lovely man who has been so selfish about this issue . I do think counselling will be the way forward for me

Not wanting to be married is fine. I don't. But lying about it in this way is completely outrageous.
@Caughtatacrossroads You have got all the legal and financial things in place to protect you and your children, haven't you? If not, make an appointment with your solicitor this week.

And-the children do have your name, don't they?

But if you have cash you absolutely SHOULD NOT marry and put your assets at risk.

Protect your financial independence at all costs, relationships come and go.

He should've been more honest from day one. My OH was straight with me from the moment we met: because of how his parents' marriage ended and his best friend getting divorced young, he never wanted to get married. I decided that I wanted him more than a wedding – my deal breaker was children and he very much wanted them too – and from the moment we moved in together I had legal protections in place with my solicitor and we are now in a civil partnership. We've been together almost 20 years now and not being married really doesn't bother me. But if he'd fudged it like yours had and implied he did want to marry and then rowed back on it years later I'd have been furious. It's not fair on you.

BUT you have a family now. So what is it you really want - a public proposal and a big day of celebration or the legal protections that come with marriage? I think that's the question you need to be honest about before you walk away with your DC. I do get the lying will be so hard to get past, but I imagine your DC are going to be devastated their parents are splitting because Mum wants to get married but Dad doesn't. The grass might not turn out to be greener either.

He's had everything he wants, you, children, they have his name (you were mad to give them his name), the house etc. You gave away all the negotiating power you had and went along with it on his say so, without any commitment from him. I would be outraged about his lying but honestly, did you not see this coming?.it slightly feels like you happily just went along with it too. The time to really put out a stake in the ground about marriage was before all that stuff.

@Caughtatacrossroads

The thing is though that a lot of people assume marriage is always the best solution for the woman. Very often it’s much more complicated than it appears but if you have separate finances and assets marriage is probably not a good idea for you. He may work hard etc now but if you split he would be entitled to half of that. If you’re a working mum it rarely makes sense.

If you want to marry him for romantic reasons can you not find a workaround which isn’t such a legal millstone? You can change your kids names without being married.

The only reason to get married would be if you weren’t working.

What I am gently saying is that although he has been a dick stringing you along he is probably actually right about marriage. I would still probably chick him for lying though.

Once you marry you are entitled to 50% of all assets.
If your finances are separate and you each own half the property (and that is legally watertight and documented), the only thing you really need to worry about, as he won't get married, is the disposal of your estate. You can't control what he puts in his will, but hopefully you have already made yours and left your estate to your children.
He can put whatever he wants in his will and change it any time. So the risk is that his half of your house can go to anyone.
So you need to plan for that.
Have you got life insurance?
What have you arranged about your pension?
Sadly anyone can die at any time. Make sure you have put arrangements in place for your children.

Sorry should have said you are BOTH entitled to 50% of all assets.

He has led you on and lied to you so the kids get his name. He is having his cake with no committing. Of course it’s up to you, but personally I would have been out of there years ago.

I think you need to present him with a clear plan of what you want, where and when you want it and reassure him that the cost is reasonable. Reiterate how important being married is to you. Also, if anything happened to one of you then half of your family assets would be subject to inheritance tax, leaving the surviving partner in financial difficulty. You are also not legally next of kin at present. Marriage is simply the formal mechanism for recognising the union you are in already and granting you rights associated with it. If, after making it that easy for him and being clear about the advantages marriage offers, he won't marry, then yes - leave him.

PS
Too late for you, but for anyone else reading:
If your partner has not married you then the tradition in this country was always that the children get your surname. This is in part because the mother is the reliable parent in their lives and having the same surname as each other is extremely helpful.

I could not be with someone who was not fully committed to me. The rejection and lies would be too much.

If you decide to stay, I would ensure the children have your surname. Why should he get it all his own way?

The time for this ultimatum was before the kids. I think you’d be a fool to even try and convince him on this point when he clearly doesn’t want it. He’ll end up leaving and taking your money with him. Women would do much better to be deeply suspicious of men at every turn and prioritise financial stability over romantic love

@toomanyleggings

Women would do much better to be deeply suspicious of men at every turn and prioritise financial stability over romantic love

I wouldn’t necessarily say “deeply suspicious” but I agree completely with the premise. If marriage has no financial value to you it’s just baggage which you should avoid.

Getting married for “love” or commitment is a fool’s game. Emotional attachment changes. Financial need doesn’t.

I am not entirely sure what would be the purpose of getting married. It is expensive, inconvenient, stressful and comes with a whole host of legal issues. Marriage is not a sign of commitment - life together is.
You said it yourself, he is a caring and committed partner. So what is it that you are missing? Just a shared surname? Do you think it is really worth it to leave a loving relationship over this?
As to "lying" issue... well, it's rarely black and white. We obviously only know your side of the story so it may be that he simply changed his mind (perfectly normal and healthy) or that you pressured him so much over the years he couldn't feel he could say no at the time and delayed instead. We simply don't know.

If he's not willing to do the compromise option and get something akin to marriage legally witnessed and signed then yes, I would walk, because it's disrespectful and calls bullshit on the 'its just a piece of paper' argument.

Sorry to be harsh OP but he doesn't want to marry you. Actions speak louder than words. Also you have let every bit of leverage you did have go by e.g. having kids without being married.

Is he already married? Did he marry someone before you met and he’s never got round to getting divorced? That would be my thinking, but I’m a very suspicious person.

Again, sorry to be harsh - but how do you think counselling will help you? He won’t marry you. You are obviously unhappy. Time to separate. At least you are not financially dependent on him and you can change your life - if you want to.

Bit of a tricky one this. If you are thinking of leaving him, why marry him? Your finances are complicated as well. If you marry, and if he leaves you, he gets half of your inheritance/savings. It sounds like you have separate wages and only one jointly owned asset, being the house. And what about your pensions? You need a pre nuptial agreement if you are getting married or you are going to leave yourself exposed to hardship if it breaks down.

The weird thing for me is that you and your partner are both more intertwined than the marriage commitment anyway. Having children and a house with someone is very committed and enmeshed. So he can’t say he doesn’t want to get married it’s too much commitment. The only reason he doesn’t want to get married is to share finances in the event of a divorce surely?

I wouldn't separate and break up my family over this. If it was truly important to you to be married then you would have ensured that it was done prior to children.