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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU To leave if he won’t marry

124 replies

Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 07:01

My partner and I have been together for 12 years and have 1 DS(9) and one DD (7). We are happy together and have a lovely life, I’ve always wanted to get married , it’s never been important to him. We had discussed early on in relationship and he was more indifferent and said it wasn’t on list of priorities but would do it eventually.

we revisited this conversation when I was pregnant with eldest as discussing names and I stressed the importance for me to have the same name as my children and if he didn’t think he could do marriage the I felt that the children should have my name , he agreed that after kids and getting ourselves a house marriage would be on the cards.

we got a mortgage , got past our starter home into our lovely home now , settled into our careers and have created a lovely life in the part of the UK he is from.

earlier this year the discussion came up again and I was told I could plan something but nothing too big.recently he has seemed more reluctant when discussing what we could do and so I asked the question and he now tells me he never wants to be married .

i feel betrayed by this , and have told him I want the security in our life and the same name as my children ( I refused the idea of deed poll only as that’s a one sided commitment) .

I love this man immensely but not sure I can stay in this situation. AIBU to leave him, de-rail all our lives? It’s not about wanting anyone else as I honestly don’t think there is anyone else for me. I know I will likely be alone however at the same time I feel I have been tricked into building a life I thought was leading somewhere it wasn’t .

OP posts:

AmazingSnakeHead · 27/09/2023 09:52

I think that the problem was in your accepting the vague "sometime in the future" promise. I have always been indifferent to marriage, but agreed when DP asked me around 8 years ago. I have now gone off the idea of marriage completely. I guess I would do it if it was really important to DP but just for perspective, I haven't deceived him. I just changed my mind on a social institution over the course of a decade, and as I gained more exposure to it.

MadamWhiteleigh · 27/09/2023 09:52

I think you need to ask yourself what marriage is going to give you that you don’t already have. He sounds like a good partner, committed to you, on the same page financially, you are happy together with your lovely children. The only reason you can articulate is having the same name, which is such a minor thing and can be rectified by changing your childrens if it’s that important to you.

I’d think really hard about this.

Coffeepot72 · 27/09/2023 09:52

He says he is open to making me know he wants to be with me and is committed but likewise doesn’t want to be pushed into something just to make me happy and resent me which I get. He is a stubborn man and part of me wonders whether it’s more about me forcing the issue but as I have pointed out

Just as a pp has pointed out - he dangled the carrot, and said it was on the cards. He has changed the goal posts here.

Siameasy · 27/09/2023 09:57

It would be really selfish to leave when you have young kids. Their well being ought to come first. How would you ending the relationship benefit them?

Rainbowqueeen · 27/09/2023 09:57

I’d have one last conversation with him and if he isn’t able to explain why he has deliberately deceived you for years then I’d leave.

I think that when you review your relationship you’ll see that perhaps he isn’t the nice man that you believe him to be. Apart from the deceit, you pay 50-50 even though he earns more.

If one of you died, inheritance tax could mean you have to sell your home despite earning a good wage.

skyeisthelimit · 27/09/2023 10:01

Is the wedding that he doesn't want, or the marriage? If he never leaves the house then presumably he wouldn't want any sort of big wedding. Although you said that he has also refused a civil partnership. I wouldn't want one of those though.

Marriage doesn't guarantee happiness or a lifetime together though.

Will he agree to see a counsellor so that you can both talk through your feelings with a neutral third party?

CurlewKate · 27/09/2023 10:07

@skyeisthelimit "I suspect part of him, maybe not even consciously, thinks someone better might come along."

I don't want to be married and I don't think this. I have been open about it from the beginning, though.

TrashedSofa · 27/09/2023 10:08

This would all be much more reasonable had he not deliberately misled you. I think you're better off not marrying him, but nonetheless would really struggle with the dishonesty.

NeedToChangeName · 27/09/2023 10:10

Perhaps you could take independent legal advice on your own position if you are (1) unmarried or (2) married. This might help to inform your decision making

No one should get married unless they want to. And I wouldn't want to marry someone who had to be dragged up the aisle

Only you know if he has changed his mind (OK) or misled you for years (not OK)

Nanny0gg · 27/09/2023 10:17

Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 07:33

There is nothing like that going on , I genuinely think he has been selfish in this circumstance but I have no reason to believe he has done anything else behind my back. Phones aren't locked in our house , we know where each others finances are at but keep them separate . I have had a lot of trauma in my life ( part of the reason I have more cash) during the time we have been together and he has been so supportive. He is often honest to a fault, genuinely does love me and makes me feel loved. I recognise the need for marriage is about my own insecurity and wanting to feel a part of my own family with the same name as him and my children . I’ve had relationships in the past where people have been unfaithful , he works from home , never goes out anywhere except once in a blue moon . We spend our time with our kids or doing date nights - it really is a wonderful relationship which is why this issue is both hurtful and such a dilemma to leave . It would be easier to blow our lives apart if we didn’t want to be together

To be honest it looks like marriage would disadvantage you

Get wills sorted out and leave things as they are

Alwaysoncall · 27/09/2023 10:20

I think what stands out is that he earns more but you both pay 50% of bills. What happened when you were on maternity leave? I appreciate that you have inheritance but this is a one off amount, and he may also inherit in the future. Does he genuinely do 50% of parenting and housework?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/09/2023 10:24

At least you’ve made sure you are financially secure. That’s important. In fact if you have more money it’s probably best you don’t get married!

The part about the names would really piss me off though - that was deliberate manipulation.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 27/09/2023 10:26

Rainbowqueeen · 27/09/2023 09:57

I’d have one last conversation with him and if he isn’t able to explain why he has deliberately deceived you for years then I’d leave.

This is true

Good point about the inheritance tax

Original poster

Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 10:30

I have said to him that if he has changed his mind , or it is about the marriage/civil partnership then I need to know why to help me understand and I think that is part of the issue for me , yes it’s hurtful if he has changed his mind but it’s more hurtful to be asked to be ok with that and not be given an explanation beyond ‘I don’t know’ He is not someone who is able to talk about their feelings with ease and very much an introvert and I’ve always know the thought of a ‘big day’ wasn’t him which is why as much as I would love a big day , that’s not what I need from this . We are complete opposites but we work well together and we very much in love and best friends .For me its two fold , firstly practically it’s the assurance that we can act for one another as NOK . My parents are both deceased and I wouldn’t want my brother forced into being my NOK , my health is ok but not amazing and I want to be realistic that knowing both my parents health histories everything is in place. The other side for me is about me knowing my place , I feel perhaps grief is part of what is driving me ( which is why I will seek counselling after considering some of the more balanced advice in this thread) but I want to feel like I belong in my own family - there is only my me and my brother now and he has his partner and is very much part of her family. For me , I live in a place where DP grew up, everyone around us is linked through him and I just want a sense of belonging here too which is why the name is such an issue for me, and I won’t change my children’s names as that’s their identity and they shouldn’t have to pay for my previous foolishness in giving them his name on a promise .

OP posts:

Original poster

Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 10:33

We also paid 50/50 when I earnt more .

the money is not an issue in this at all , our finances are safe and our own , aside from the house .

I completely agree with inheritance tax though as we would individually be over the threshold , and it seems stupid to have to pay it when it comes to it.

I have sorted all my pension out and it’s beneficiaries

OP posts:

Original poster

Caughtatacrossroads · 27/09/2023 10:40

Yes he does 50/50 parenting as my job can be unpredictable and he works from home and has more flexibility with his job, he has been extremely supportive in helping me progress my career too by doing this , he covered extra money during maternity too as I was new in post during our first pregnancy and only got stat pay.

in regards to housework , he does some but what I consider tidy and clean is not the same as his , but then he does all the garden which I don’t touch. In regards to finances, parenting and housework , I have no gripes that works for us . The expenses we have , including the house, we made sure would be achieved on one wage if required, meaning that paying 50/50 is not an issue . The money we have left over is our own to do with as we choose , but to be honest we both just spend most of that on the kids or family activities.

it may not work for others, but that set up works for us . The issue for me is this change of view without explanation about marriage/civil partnerships and feeling misled , or asked to accept with explanation and the feelings of insecurity that it provokes in me

OP posts:

GreenSkiesAtNight · 27/09/2023 10:43

OMG, would you stop talking about you needing counselling. He has done such a number on you. Wanting to be married to your long term partner and father of your children is the most natural thing in the world. If anyone needs counselling, it's him. And no, his behaviour is not that of a 'best friend'.

Gettingbysomehow · 27/09/2023 10:43

It seems to me to be a bit late now. The time to leave would be before you had children.
How is leaving going to affect your kids and your finances? I can't imagine you will be better off.
Just make sure everything is in your name also.

NoSquirrels · 27/09/2023 10:44

He says he is open to making me know he wants to be with me and is committed but likewise doesn’t want to be pushed into something just to make me happy and resent me

He can just as easily make up his mind to not resent this, but go into it with a happy heart, knowing it’s something important to you. He could decide to make you happy, rather than thinking about himself.

You’ve articulated very well all your reasons why you want it on this thread, so I assume you’ve told him this too.

In return, you’ve had … nothing. No reasons from him. That’s not good enough.

Either he won’t tell you his reasons - because he knows it reveals him in a bad light - or he can’t tell you because he genuinely doesn’t understand where the block is occurring for him.

He can get help with the latter - talking it through with a counsellor. Or he can overcome his (presumably selfish) objections and step up here.

He should be under no illusions though that this is a very serious issue for you, to the extent that you’re considering ending the relationship. He needs to feel scared of losing you, imo.

Alwaysoncall · 27/09/2023 10:49

So I guess the only real issue is the commitment. The 'I don't know' is not great. He's had years to think about marriage and has come to his decision. You need to take 'I don't know' for what it really means, 'I don't want to tell you'. Which is obviously a huge deal. He should be able to communicate his reasons if he is truly committed to you.

Coffeepot72 · 27/09/2023 10:56

OP, you don't need to articulate WHY you want marriage. It's a perfectly normal thing

jolaylasofia · 27/09/2023 10:56

don't understand men like this at all. you create children with a person- the biggest commitment you will ever have to someone! but won't get married which is just a legal document and can be dissolved if ever wishes to do so. just makes no sense.

what are his reasons?

I'm married but we didn't have a wedding, as such, just had an imam come and do the islamic part and then went to the court (we live abroad)

Adreno · 27/09/2023 10:57

You’re not wrong for considering leaving but, realistically, are you going to?

You’ve been completely toothless in this whole thing for the past decade and he’s successfully called your bluff. He knows he has nothing to worry about because you won’t end the relationship. You should have done that before deciding to have a baby but you didn’t- and went on to have a second child with him.

You’ve basically shown him he gets everything 100% his way and you’ll trot along with it.

Adreno · 27/09/2023 10:58

Having a child is a commitment to the child, or to the mother.

The only real commitment to a woman in a scenario like this is marriage.

TellingBone · 27/09/2023 11:10

For argument's sake, let's say he does a volte face today and agrees to marry.

Can you then live contentedly with the knowledge that he only married you because you pushed for it/for a quiet life/whatever?

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