To think some football parents need to STFU?

[forevaworried]

My son started playing for a local team, he played a few friendlies in the summer and this is his first season as U13. He’s late to it at 12 years old but was desperate to do it and after a few try outs was signed. He’s shows up to training and matches. He’s not the fastest or the strongest but he’s doing his best, and enjoying it. I hoped this would be enough as he’s progressing, learning all the time, gives it his all. However some of the parents there … they are so vocal and critical, sometimes they are openly pissed off if the team loses, misses passes or penalties etc. it’s horrible to see and hear especially when sometimes it’s aimed at your kid. For instance, this Sunday my son got megsed (ball went between his legs), very embarrassing for him and since he’s a defender it meant a goal was scored for the opposition (although we won 8-2 at full time). But Jesus the collective sigh of disdain and disgust was painful from parents. Not helped at all by the gobby striker of the team with definite anger issues launching a tirade of verbal against him loud enough for everyone to hear… taking the mick saying he’s useless “what’s he doing with his legs open” etc etc. I find going to these games so bloody stressful. I messaged the coach and asked is my son really doing that badly?! Does he need extra training or a pep talk? Coach was really reassuring saying it’s his first season, some kids on that team have been playing 6+ years, my son is doing just fine and he’s got no problem with his performance. But it doesn’t feel like that when other parents are so vocal and aggressive, honestly some of them stand at the lines screaming and swearing. I find it horrible! Why can’t they find another team if the have a problem with the current one? Is junior football not meant to be about having a good time and learning to take the dogs rough with the smooth, winning and losing graciously? Supporting all the players not chastising them when they f* up? A big part of me wishes me son would just quit so I don’t have to feel sick every Sunday morning dreading all the ways he might get it wrong and be publicly shamed for it. Is it just me? Or are some parents and their kids just dicks?

YANBU

I’ve come across some awful behaviours from football parents. Kids left out of club parties and awards ceremonies, parents shouting abuse at them, basically running it for the benefit of their own kids and a few pals and everyone else gets sidelined, acting like they’re Man Utd instead of a local football team for primary school kids.

A visiting team and their parents were asked to leave our local match recently due to verbal abuse from the adults AND the kids who were aged 5-10

My son gave up football due to exactly this. Unfortunately from the parents AND the coaches. You'd have thought they were playing in the Champions League rather than a Saturday morning U8s local league 4.
Awful behaviour.

Speak to your son, tell him to take no notice of the parents and stand up to the other kids when they are saying stuff to him. Have a word with the coach and let them know you find the comments towards your son inappropriate and unnecessary.
Keep your distance from the parents when the match is on, stand as far away from them as you can but don't be afraid to confront them (quietly and away from the game) if it gets too much.

My dp was a coach- he didn't hesitate to ban parents from the touch line for behaviour like this.

Some parents and kids are just dicks.
When I walk past my local AstroTurf, there are signs warning spectators to be respectful or they will be removed. No idea if they enforce it properly but I assume it's not unusual for people to forget that this isn't the World Cup and completely unsportsmanlike.

in your position I’d encourage him to play rugby or basketball, if he insists on football. Can you pay for him to have training with a private football coach

I could've written this. My son sounds similar to yours....loved playing but wasn't the strongest or most assertive.
I could've wept some Sunday mornings listening to him being criticised. I used to pray that it would be called off!
Fortunately he decided, at 14, that he'd had enough. He decided to continue solely with cricket and still plays (he's 20 now). The culture is so different with cricket. Civilised, friendly and supportive.
I can totally empathise.

If you would let your kid be verbally abused crack on and don't say anything, personally, I would want my kid to know that I had his back. You don't need to do it in the same manner but I wouldn't be having grown adults speak about my kid like that without challenging it, regardless

‘in your position I’d encourage him to play rugby or basketball, if he insists on football. Can you pay for him to have training with a private football coach’

er, that’s not how team sports work! He COULD have private training but really he just needs to learn to play as part of a team…

rugby - there’s a very good chance of him getting hurt. Hurt hurt. Maybe the parents do behave better but much as I love
rugby I know a lot of kids who’ve been concussed, broken or fractured bones as. Worse. It’s rough at that age!

Basketball - it’s another more WC contact sport , and in my experience ( one kid plays in a team) the parents are also a bit on the vocal side!

I mean there’s cricket - parents are quieter at matches, it’s all behind doors with cricket! -
but at his age He’d have to play hard ball
and some of those kids your DS age will be BIG and playing on the men’s 4th and 5th teams, and quite frankly it can be terrifying facing the ball at the speeds some of them throw!

‘If you would let your kid be verbally abused crack on and don't say anything, personally, I would want my kid to know that I had his back’

Okay Billy big bollocks! As a coach of an actual football team my advice is still - bring it to the coach.
Escalating on the sidelines will serve no purpose.
Unless your intention is to be more aggro than the parents you think are too aggro, get into shouting matches,
possibly distract from the game and embarrass your kid.

And confronting parents is unlikely to change their behaviour. If anything it’ll probably make it worse.

Speak to your coach, your manager, the club chair or the club welfare person.
Adults yelling at children or swearing at them or around them
IS a welfare issue.

I would message the coach again and tell him that your DS' teammates abuse on field, and the abuse from the parents, is very upsetting and inappropriate and ask him to deal with it.

If you are in Surrey, DM me and if you're close enough I'll introduce you to our team manager - he's still in the market for one or two more players for this season at u13. Our team is super friendly and supportive and parents are very encouraging of all the kids.

It’s football. It’s grim. Get him out of the team and playing any other sport and you’ll find a vast change in attitudes from kids and parents alike.

some parents see football - and getting into premiership teams with the associated salaries - as the only way their kids can find wealth, and therefore it means EVERYTHING to them.

I absolutely loathe football for this exact attitude. It was really sad to see the behaviour of ds's friends change growing up as they got into football and took on the same attitude as the adults.

My dad used to manage a children's team, and referee adult and children's matches. It was awful. He had to send parents off the sidelines , on one occasion abandon a match because the parent behaviour was so bad. He absolutely wouldn't tolerate it in his own team and would give a warning and make it clear the child would lose their place if it continued. Couldn't control other teams though. He gave up eventually.

welfare Is EVERYONE’s business.

We nearly pulled out DS out of a team mid season due to very similar circumstances. He really liked his team mates, so we let him finish the season, but we asked around and found a new team for the next season. Some of his team mates moved at the same time, due to the same reasons. Another move later, we’ve “found our tribe” of supportive parents who just want their kids to have fun on a Saturday morning. Watching the game is a real laugh. It took a few years to find.
This is on a Saturday though, where there’s loads of teams locally.

On Sundays, there’s a lot less teams and less choice. We still haven’t found the right Sunday team. We left the pure-aggression (both parents and players) team and are now stuck watching the grim-attitude-but-at-least-they-don’t-punch team. Again, DS likes his team mates on Sunday too much to want to leave. I stand away from the other parents if they’re getting a bit much and have stood with the opposition parents before.

It's all learned behaviour from what they see in professional football. It's a wonder some of those players and managers are unaware of the presence of TV cameras. Fortunately, my boys knew better than to behave like that and have since moved on to korfball.

We had all this shit with grass roots football as well. I looked up conduct rules for parents on the SFA website, they specifically mention not acting like that, it’s damaging and there’s no other context where adults work with children where that would be permitted. Presumably it’s the same UK-wide. DH was a coach for the same team and eventually chucked it cos the head coach was massively over-competitive, loud and hyper-critical, played favourites and when it didn’t go his way turned into a proper purple-in-the face-screamer. DH has a professional role within the community and felt it was becoming a safe-guarding issue, he didn’t want to be associated with it.

I got sick of the pitch-side shouting and tackled it head-on by telling the self-appointed experts (mainly mums actually, the mad dads tended to shout more at their own kids) to keep my son’s name out of their mouths. My father also came down one Sunday and politely did the same. They were all taken aback at first but still made little snide comments - DS couldn’t hear them so whatever, but what a bunch of fannies they were. Kids need encouragement and guidance, not constant hassle and humiliation from angry big-mouths living out their own fantasies.

Several of us left and found our sons another team where everyone knew how to behave like grown-ups. The headcase in charge of the old team lost all
his coaches, their boys all chucked it, and that age group folded. Terrible shame for the boys, and totally avoidable.

‘It’s football. It’s grim. ‘

no. tarring everyone with the same brush isn’t helpful. It’s fun, fast, great exercise, a fab team sport for boys and girls, cheap and accessible.

There can be al lot of snobbery around it though. As many of the posters here are showing.

@crumblylancs it’s my opinion that he’s good enough to be on the team, he plays in defence along with a few others and he seems as strong as they are. He’s fudged up a few times but watching all the other players, they all do at some point. There are a few really strong midfielders who carry the team for sure. I messaged the coach and asked, is there a problem? His reply was
“Morning xxxx, thanks for Sharing. I'll talk to him but he's doing brill. It's worth bearing in mind that this is his first year playing and some of the other players have player for up to 6 years. Development of all players does take time and xxxx is making great progress 👍”

You should have a parent code of conduct that you all signed up to. That will state what behaviour is acceptable and what isn’t. Speak to the coach, if they may approach the parents. Otherwise contact the club welfare office and complain.

See I an super confident and would have been up in that dad's face.

But. Better to talk to the coach?

It does seem to be more of a football issue.
Which isn't being snobby just realistic.
I was thoroughly grateful by dc weren't interested in it.
Ice hockey and cross country running have both been really inclusive and supportive.