To think some football parents need to STFU?

[forevaworried]

My son started playing for a local team, he played a few friendlies in the summer and this is his first season as U13. He’s late to it at 12 years old but was desperate to do it and after a few try outs was signed. He’s shows up to training and matches. He’s not the fastest or the strongest but he’s doing his best, and enjoying it. I hoped this would be enough as he’s progressing, learning all the time, gives it his all. However some of the parents there … they are so vocal and critical, sometimes they are openly pissed off if the team loses, misses passes or penalties etc. it’s horrible to see and hear especially when sometimes it’s aimed at your kid. For instance, this Sunday my son got megsed (ball went between his legs), very embarrassing for him and since he’s a defender it meant a goal was scored for the opposition (although we won 8-2 at full time). But Jesus the collective sigh of disdain and disgust was painful from parents. Not helped at all by the gobby striker of the team with definite anger issues launching a tirade of verbal against him loud enough for everyone to hear… taking the mick saying he’s useless “what’s he doing with his legs open” etc etc. I find going to these games so bloody stressful. I messaged the coach and asked is my son really doing that badly?! Does he need extra training or a pep talk? Coach was really reassuring saying it’s his first season, some kids on that team have been playing 6+ years, my son is doing just fine and he’s got no problem with his performance. But it doesn’t feel like that when other parents are so vocal and aggressive, honestly some of them stand at the lines screaming and swearing. I find it horrible! Why can’t they find another team if the have a problem with the current one? Is junior football not meant to be about having a good time and learning to take the dogs rough with the smooth, winning and losing graciously? Supporting all the players not chastising them when they f* up? A big part of me wishes me son would just quit so I don’t have to feel sick every Sunday morning dreading all the ways he might get it wrong and be publicly shamed for it. Is it just me? Or are some parents and their kids just dicks?

@araiwa its not “being competitive”, it’s being complete wankers.

We swerved football thankfully and stuck to rugby - such a difference! But watch the games professionally and you’ll see why. Rugby referees are treated with respect, football players speak to the referee like they’re scum. That’s their role models 🤬

Thanks so much everyone for your replies. I was clueless about all things football a year ago. I’ve not been sure if all the hollering is normal or acceptable or not. However being in the situation I do find it unsettling. So bitchy at times. I get it’s a competitive sport but surely if parents have particularly high expectations or want their kids to play for the best teams then they need to either move them to a higher division team or get them in an academy or something? This team is only E division (promoted this season) so for me every win should be celebrated and they should be encouraging and reassuring the players doing their best and making progress. Like I said the coach was really reassuring and seems to think my boy is doing exactly what he needs to be doing given he’s a new player.

Definitely a thing - but varies a lot from team to team (even within a football club, in my experience).
DH is our ref and runs the line at away games. There's one team our guys play every season where the parents are awful - a couple of years ago they called him a cheating cunt for ruling one of their players offside. The ref (from their team) told them to stop and that he agreed with the decision, which helped a bit, but they were almost as bad the next time.
DS is 15 now, and it's calmed down a bit - I think largely because the kids with real talent/ambition have been creamed off into academies.

I always feel a bit defensive when I see the 'football has a bad atmosphere, rugby is lovely' posts. In my experience, all sports have their pushy/difficult parents (though I have never heard actual shouting at the players/umpire at cricket), and I know some pretty over-invested rugby parents. Netball was at least as bad as football, ime.

I have a football-mad 13yo. His team are, to put it kindly, variable. It's always taken very seriously though by the kids, coaches and parents. However, none of the parents would criticise a player in the way you've described, and the boys would save their grumbles for the drive home.

I think at U13 they’re trying to strengthen squads and the kids are competitive and wanted to win. Your ds has come into it quite late. But they sound horrible, I could definitely imagine negative comments on the way home. I would look for another team, which is less competitive. I assume if they’ve just been promoted there is a lower league?

And yes, on our team no parent would shout at other kids for their mistakes, some would definitely shout at their own though!

It's never okay for the parents to get involved like that, parents are there to support and encourage not criticise or get involved in coaching decisions. Referees seem to be really clamping down on that kind of behaviour here and teams are getting bans for it.

There are different kinds of teams some are ultra competitive and others are more nurturing. Maybe this one isn't the best fit for your Ds?

It can also be really hard for established teams who have been playing well to have a weak link, that doesn't excuse shitty behaviour towards your son but if boys have been training with them for 6+yrs and a new boy comes in and concedes goals this will sting for them. But it's up to the coach to manage this.

Kids football turns some parents into absolute animals. It's absolute pathetic.

Assuming that the OP is in England and that the club is affiliated with the FA, there is a very clear Code of Conduct about respect and the behaviour of parents and spectators. You can google it:

fa-respect-code-of-conduct-spectators-and-parents.pdf

One thing is having a Code of Conduct - and it is up to the club to enforce it - but if the club and the club officers are unable or unwilling to do so, you need to find another club.

Is junior football not meant to be about having a good time and learning to take the dogs rough with the smooth, winning and losing graciously? Supporting all the players not chastising them when they f up?*

If this is your expectation then I'm sorry to say that you're always going to be disappointed. The entire culture of football in this country, from amateur to pro, junior to senior, fans to players to managers to pundits, is pretty much based upon being a complete arsehole.

It's the only sport I can think of that weirdly manages to encourage both a horrible hyper-aggressiveness and a sort of bitchy high-maintenance sulkiness. I'm so thankful my DC were never interested.

PPs who have experienced lovely, encouraging teams are very much the exception. Sorry OP but it's the truth, all you can do is decide whether or not to continue knowing that.

The FA support and guidance on this kind of behaviour from parents is very clear - your coach should seek advice and support from his local FA if he feels he can’t handle this dad.
TBH I’m surprised that other teams haven’t made official complaints about him.
There is a sanctions pathways for parents like this BTW! We only ever had one parent who behaved like this - super aggro though he didn’t swear - and we had to give him ( after numerous warnings) a match ban so he could t come to 3 games in a row!
he ended up stomping off and pulling his kid from the team -
a shame for the kid but a blessed relief for the rest of us.

Does your team use a respect line? We make sure ours is well back from the sidelines and so parents are well back out of the way. It means the kids playing can’t hear much of what they’re saying.
Then the teams are keep with coaches on the other side of the pitch.
None of the parents are allowed to wander around the pitch during a game - they all have to stand behind the respect line. It means the players are with us the coaches and only speak to parents before and after a game. We don’t let them go to parents at half time or if they’re subs.
If they get hurt the coaches deal with it. If they need anything the coaches deal with it.
Works really well.

‘Is junior football not meant to be about having a good time and learning to take the dogs rough with the smooth, winning and losing graciously? ‘

yes. It absolutely is and there are many teams, clubs and parents who are constantly working towards this.

A bit unfair, just from this short thread there's lots of parents came on to call out this kind of behaviour and have said it wouldn't be acceptable at their club.

Winter is on its way, op, fluffy earmuffs are your friend!!

Well done to your DS, for playing an outdoor sport rather than staring at a screen. Sadly junior games do attract parents of “the next big thing” 🙄

I forgot to say - it’s not only football that attracts this type of behaviour… My DS was quite good at table tennis back in the 90s (age around 11/12/13) and we ended up at a few tournaments…Wow! The fierce vocal coaching and comments from parents was something else!!
When he won a tournament that he wasn’t expected to, we left early as the seething resentment was scary!!

Did you just stand there when the kid and parents were slagging your child off? You need to challenge that there and then with the parents in my opinion! How did you not say anything?

What's your own opinion on how your child is doing in the team? And I don't mean taking in to account he's been playing for a year, is he keeping up with the standard of the other boys? Is he the weak link? It doesn't make it okay for the parents to pull faces or speak about your child but if he's not at the same level and they're a competitive team it's not going to let up.

It sounds like your DS may be better off on another team, the coach will be well aware of the shitty behaviour of aggressive child and parent, if he's not done anything about it yet then he won't start now

I have to say, it's not 'kids' junior football that has the problem here, it's 'boys' junior football. My kids league play boys matches on a Saturday and girls on a Sunday. We are at both and the difference is remarkable! Even though though there are as many parents (mums and dads) on both days, they manage to behave themselves at the girls matches. You have to wonder why. Personally, I think its because these dad's think that their sons have a chance at the major leagues, if only all the rest of the team would listen to him, as a parent, screaming from the sidelines!
OP our league doesn't allow parents to stand anywhere near the goal, so I would ask why the shouty dad at your sons game is allowed to do that.
It's so unfair, it shouldn't be like that and you have my sympathy.

I would give rugby ago if he is interested, not just for the atmosphere but because children tend to come to it a bit later, often trying it out at Secondary PE and then finding a club so they are in the same boat instead of joining a football team when the rest have been training 6-8 years together already.

DD plays for the girls obviously so I don't have first hand experience of the boys but I get the impression that sportsmanship is encouraged and sanctions in place if they don't agree. I haven't heard any aggressive shouting from parents and certainly none aimed at individual players.

I'm afraid it's a soccer thing only. My kids play pretty much every team sport and it's only at soccer you witness that carry on. Another parent told me at the start. That's what your signing up for so don't be complaining about it during the year and she wasn't wrong.

‘Did you just stand there when the kid and parents were slagging your child off? You need to challenge that there and then with the parents in my opinion! How did you not say anything? ‘

no, no no! Do not follow this advice! This is how things escalate and turn into pitch side slanging matches!
Speak to the coach ASAP. Give specifics.
it’s up to the coaches to sort this out.

And as for ‘it’s just football’ - while football has more of a rep that way I have seen parents behaving badly ( well, let’s face it usually dads or men) at rugby, tennis tournaments, basketball. Anywhere a kid is doing something competitively and younhave over enthusiastic parents.

My kids play competitive tennis, football and basketball and I watched a father ( I presume) screaming at his lad in the carpark after he got knocked out of a tennis tournament. Kid was probably 9 or 10 and apparently didn’t try, is ungrateful for all the lessons he’s had, played ‘like a girl’.

Genuinely - accept the fact your child isn’t going to play for England or at Wimbledon or go to Uni on a scholarship and appreciate that they’re outdoors, exercising, learning to be in a team or be competitive, and are doing something they enjoy.

the best thing you can say to your child - the ONLY thing you should say to your child - on game day or match day or tourno day is ‘ I love watching you play’

Unfortunately people can be idiots.
I too hate people blaming the sport. DS1 played for years with a supportive coach, a couple of grumbling parents but had a lovely experience. DS2- well, I could write a book about horrible parents, bullying coaches and nasty kids he has encountered along the way. It's not the sport, it's the people.
DS2 loves the sport, he has asked to move teams when he stopped enjoying it, which we supported. I coped by generally standing away from other parents (but there are other likeminded ones out there, usually standing away from the other parents!), and checking each week that my son was enjoying it, and discussing the comments/ behaviors from others. He often didn't notice, but when he was older he judged his own performance and happily ignored the opinion of gobby parents.
I was the welfare officer once for a club- that was an eye opener.

I think if your child does a team sport that has a culture of vocal spectating, you can't expect it to be completely gentle and non-competitive, either on the pitch or on the sidelines. I don't think you can reasonably expect to go and watch a football match and for the spectators not to groan when someone lets a goal in or whatever, for example, because that's all part of supporting the team and not wanting them to lose. Football is a fast-paced contact sport so physically it requires a level of (healthy, channelled) aggression and it's standard for players and spectators to be highly competitive. Sometimes there is a fine line between what parents might call chastising and a coach might call coaching, and that can be difficult.

However, if either parents or players are being abusive, bullying, using bad language or singling out kids for personal verbal attack, that is not acceptable and the coach needs to have a word because that's not on. It can be a problem for some teams and it can make running a kids' team really difficult and stressful at times. It makes it really hard for the referees as well. There are definitely some football parents who are an absolute nightmare and I sympathise if these are the types you're having to deal with.

Bollocks.

I was asked to keep
score at a kid tennis tournament - 8 year olds where the parents usually do it, one for each kid,side by side - because one dad was cheating so badly! Calling balls out when they were in etc arguing over the points.
8’year olds!
The parents nearly came to blows over it.
what’s his plan exactly? Cheat his way for his kid all the way to grand slams???
His kid was mortified by the fuss.
Mortified.