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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend took advantage of house sitting?

437 replies

Champgal · 27/09/2023 05:20

I recently went away for a few weeks and a friend of mine and her partner stayed at the house to give my cat his daily medication he needs. Friend always likes to stay over as she lives in a small single bed flat with her partner and I live in a 3 bed house with garden so she says it’s like staying in a nice air bnb for a while. While it’s a nice favour that she looks after the cat, I returned to find that my car keys weren’t where I left them. I asked her about this and she said she used the car for a friend to give her some driving lessons in. This was never discusses and I also found the tank to be almost empty considering I left it with half a tank. I also found out from another friend that she hosted small get together a with friends. Though nothing was broken or got out of hand, I can’t help feel that it’s taking the piss a little. All my bath bombs I got in a set for my birthday were used and she had also forgot to take the recycling out for three weeks and the bin was overflowing, resulting in an awful smell when we came home. Should I say something? Or do I just ask someone else next time and not mention it? Or am I just being fussy and should I just be thankful for the help.

OP posts:
MrsClatterbuck · 27/09/2023 09:12

The bath bombs which was rude and having people over I could overlook. The recycling no because of the hassle of having to clean your bin. Had a neighbour once take my nice clean recycling bin and leave me their manky one. Still smarts as didn't know which neighbour. As for the car that is cf of the highest order. Making good if something happened? She is either lying or incredibly stupid. Bill could run into thousands and was she going to pay for the hire of a car while you where without as I'm not sure if your insurance would under the circumstances.
Plus I know the absolute hassle of sorting out even a minor accident. Someone hit me on the side as they were pulling out of a petrol station. They had motability insurance so no oroblem there but I had to make lots of phone calls and I did get a courtesy car but it was a lot of hassle for something that was totally not my fault. I has just retired so at least had the time but if had been at work it would have been even more stressful.

MasterBeth · 27/09/2023 09:13

Should I say something?

How can you live your life when you can't answer the world's most obvious question?

No. Keep quiet. Never mention it. Post about it on mumsnet, but keep your feelings close to your chest in the real world. What possible good can come from you expressing your reasonable displeasure at your friend's actions? Store it as a deep, dark resentment that will bubble to the surface in the years to come.

Thingamebobwotsit · 27/09/2023 09:14

She might have offered to cover the costs but the legal fees alone for driving your car and then crashing into someone else would have been horrific. The rest I could live with tbh. We often use a pet sitter. They have varying levels of hygiene. But for the peace of mind I pay a cleaner to come in before I get home so nothing is too horrific for when I get back.

HalliwellManor · 27/09/2023 09:14

No,you are definetly NBU!!,the recycling I'd let go,the bathbombs is 7/10 CFuckery,the get together with strangers in your house is 10/10 CFuckery and driving your car with no license and no permission is 100/10 CFuckery!.
I wouldn't dream of using someone's personal stuff if I was catsitting.
I would certainly never ask her again as she was bang out of order 🤬.

RadishesForYou · 27/09/2023 09:15

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 27/09/2023 09:08

I used to do professional house sitting through an agent.

Unless you told your insurance company she and her bf were staying, you insurance would be invalid in pretty much every respect. That's before you get to everything else. Forgive her for being an idiot and a piss taker and never rely on her for anything important. Never do this again - lesson learned.

Hardly the friend's fault if the OP hasn't gone about things the same way as your "professional" service does.

sodthesodoff · 27/09/2023 09:15

beastlyslumber · 27/09/2023 09:10

She definitely shouldn't have used your car. But you've saved 50-100 per day on a house sitter, so I would let the other stuff go.

She's the one doing you a favour, not the other way around. If you want a professional house sitter who wouldn't take advantage of your bath bombs etc, then as I say, expect to pay minimum 50 per day.

The op didn't ask her to stay. She bloody insisted. Presumably because she's loving all the amenities

She could feed the cat and enjoy the bottles of wine the op left. Not have a party, steal her car and use up everything she finds

Weird how people are totally fine with someone stealing their car because she's doing them a favour... wonder how that would stand up with insurance and police.

Sunshineboo · 27/09/2023 09:15

just say to her, regardless of whether she was willing to cover the costs, using your car, without permission is not acceptable, and you don't want her to do it again.

If she paid to fix your car, it's still been damaged. It's still lost value, and actually her damaging the car one of the best case scenario is that could've happened. She could've damaged someone else's car. She could've damaged someone else's property. She could've hurt somebody. She even could've killed somebody.

Driving without proper insurance is absolutely out of line whatever the scenario.

In my view, using all of the bath bombs would be a bit shit, but using some/the majority is a bit meh.

You highlight all the things she gets out this arrangement, in that is use of the bath et cetera. You perhaps need to remind yourself that she is looking after your cat, she is there for your cat, so it's not on its own, and she is present in your house looking after it.

If you do this again you need to be absolutely explicit about the car, and pack away things that you don't want her to use.

MargotBamborough · 27/09/2023 09:16

I've just read the updates.

If I took someone to task over driving my car without permission or insurance and their reaction was anything other than a profuse apology and a promise that it would never in any circumstances be repeated, I would never let them in my house unsupervised again. This person is a selfish, disrespectful idiot.

MargotBamborough · 27/09/2023 09:17

I'd also be asking her to pay to fill the petrol tank up again, as well as replacing the bath bombs.

beastlyslumber · 27/09/2023 09:18

sodthesodoff · 27/09/2023 09:15

The op didn't ask her to stay. She bloody insisted. Presumably because she's loving all the amenities

She could feed the cat and enjoy the bottles of wine the op left. Not have a party, steal her car and use up everything she finds

Weird how people are totally fine with someone stealing their car because she's doing them a favour... wonder how that would stand up with insurance and police.

Show quote history

No, as I said, I think the car thing is horrendous. I wouldn't be okay with that at all.

It's the other stuff I would let go.

I wouldn't ask her/agree to her house sitting ever again, because using the car is so out of order.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 27/09/2023 09:18

RadishesForYou · 27/09/2023 09:15

Hardly the friend's fault if the OP hasn't gone about things the same way as your "professional" service does.

Show quote history

I'm not saying the OP's potential failure to consider other aspects of her own behaviour are the fault of the friend. I just want there to be balance and for the OP to see that she may have made mistakes too. Possibly with far worse results than an undamaged car, a pile of un-recycled pizza boxes and a load of missing bath bombs.

OnGoldenPond · 27/09/2023 09:18

Champgal · 27/09/2023 06:05

I don’t want to lose the friendship but I did mention to her that if anything happened I’m not insured and that driving it out me in a really risky position. She assured me that if anything happened she would cover all costs and I could tell that she felt it was no big deal and shrugged it off. I also mentioned that the costs weren’t all I would be worried about and that I would have no way to get to work, she assured me that if anything had happened she would have made sure I didn’t go with out a car. I still feel that this is not an acceptable way to go about it but I don’t want to lose a friend over hypotheticals.

If she had knocked down and killed a pedestrian she wouldn't have been able to cover the astronomical costs of liability payments. This is why driving without insurance is a criminal offence.

OlizraWiteomQua · 27/09/2023 09:19

I definitely wouldn't ask her again, and tell her why if she asks
She isn't trustworthy and clearly has no common sense judgement, as no one with an ounce of brain would think any of those things are ok. However I wouldn't take it up as an argument now, what's done is done and you can keep being friends despite her lack of sense if you just remember not to ever put yourself in a position of relying on her again.

Lairymary · 27/09/2023 09:20

Does the partner have a car? Willing to bet that if they don't then it was used for more than driving lessons. If they do have a car then why not practice in his?

OnGoldenPond · 27/09/2023 09:23

madeinmanc · 27/09/2023 06:18

You're both CFers, you're acting like you're doing someone else a favour by graciously allowing them use of your home- get a grip! She also shouldn't have used your car, but your arrogance here really stands out.

By the way, your recycling should all be clean and dry and shouldn't smell at all if you are doing it correctly. Don't you realise if you put dirty items in the recycling bin , it contaminates the load, none of it gets recycled and everyone's effort is wasted?

OP could be referring to food waste recycling which, if left for several weeks would reek to high heaven and be crawling with maggots Envy yuk!

sodthesodoff · 27/09/2023 09:23

@beastlyslumber you said the friend was the one doing the favour. And I disagree

She didn't need to stay. She wanted to.

She was getting as much if not more out of the transaction than the op.

Anyway op knows better now. Whether or not she does anything is another matter. Sounds like she's about to apologise to the cheeky fucker for not leaving out enough bath bombs.

WinterDeWinter · 27/09/2023 09:23

Champgal · 27/09/2023 06:05

I don’t want to lose the friendship but I did mention to her that if anything happened I’m not insured and that driving it out me in a really risky position. She assured me that if anything happened she would cover all costs and I could tell that she felt it was no big deal and shrugged it off. I also mentioned that the costs weren’t all I would be worried about and that I would have no way to get to work, she assured me that if anything had happened she would have made sure I didn’t go with out a car. I still feel that this is not an acceptable way to go about it but I don’t want to lose a friend over hypotheticals.

That's not really the problem with being uninsured - it's the fact that if she killed or maimed someone their family couldn't claim compensation!

Freesiabritney · 27/09/2023 09:28

Champgal · 27/09/2023 05:20

I recently went away for a few weeks and a friend of mine and her partner stayed at the house to give my cat his daily medication he needs. Friend always likes to stay over as she lives in a small single bed flat with her partner and I live in a 3 bed house with garden so she says it’s like staying in a nice air bnb for a while. While it’s a nice favour that she looks after the cat, I returned to find that my car keys weren’t where I left them. I asked her about this and she said she used the car for a friend to give her some driving lessons in. This was never discusses and I also found the tank to be almost empty considering I left it with half a tank. I also found out from another friend that she hosted small get together a with friends. Though nothing was broken or got out of hand, I can’t help feel that it’s taking the piss a little. All my bath bombs I got in a set for my birthday were used and she had also forgot to take the recycling out for three weeks and the bin was overflowing, resulting in an awful smell when we came home. Should I say something? Or do I just ask someone else next time and not mention it? Or am I just being fussy and should I just be thankful for the help.

We regularly get the (grown up) daughter of a friend to house/dog sit when we go on holiday. We do pay her so a bit different from your situation. The car thing is really beyond CF and actually illegal so on this ground I would not leave her unaccompanied in your house again. The recycling I would be annoyed about if I has given specific instructions on when it goes out. The bath bombs and get together would not bother me at all.

Original poster
Champgal · 27/09/2023 09:28

I’m actually more pissed off my the partner more then my friend as she’s actually clueless about insurance ect and was apparently under the impression that her partner would be covered for her to drive. She’s obviously asked him to do lessons with her and instead of him explaining why he can’t because of insurance ect he has just went ahead and said yeah sure. He has no car either but has a full license. He’s never stepped foot in my car before so he would have known they couldn’t do lessons legally in it.

OP posts:
Coolblur · 27/09/2023 09:28

She is well out of order on all counts. I don't know why people think her having some friends round for a party is fine, it wouldn't be with me, and it clearly isn't with OP and probably wouldn't be ok with any of you either if you weren't asked first. Besides, she didn't think to ask if it was ok.
Everything she has done is disrespectful and rude CF behaviour, you have to tell her how you feel about it. Then never let her cat sit again.

MarilynBoo · 27/09/2023 09:29

She's taking advantage of you and your good nature. Driving your car (and without your permission or knowledge) was an abuse of trust, not to mention unlawful. No decent friend would do that to someone.

beastlyslumber · 27/09/2023 09:30

sodthesodoff · 27/09/2023 09:23

@beastlyslumber you said the friend was the one doing the favour. And I disagree

She didn't need to stay. She wanted to.

She was getting as much if not more out of the transaction than the op.

Anyway op knows better now. Whether or not she does anything is another matter. Sounds like she's about to apologise to the cheeky fucker for not leaving out enough bath bombs.

Well if you get a professional house sitter, you'll pay a lot of money for that. So yes, friend doing it for free would have saved OP a huge amount of money. (Although there are cheaper options, like a cattery or someone popping in twice a day to feed and play with the cat.)

But I agree that the car thing was beyond the pale and I wouldn't want this person in my house again.

KevinDeBrioche · 27/09/2023 09:30

she's so far past the line she can't even SEE the line anymore.

srsly OP, don't have her to stay again. If she asks say no, you weren't happy with the uninsured use of your car last time. she's made her bed!

DaggerIsle · 27/09/2023 09:30

Looks like they've used your car for 3 weeks, not just for lessons.
Also, even if he has a license, he still can't drive your car if he's not insured on it.

Saracen · 27/09/2023 09:31

THE CAR!

The rest is a bit cheeky and a bit lazy - I might consider not having her to house-sit again, but I wouldn't get too worked up about any of those things. She did save you quite a lot of money in pet-sitters' fees over all that time.

But THE CAR! I am flabbergasted that anybody might think that was remotely acceptable.