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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To think it is actually mostly men?

1000 replies

Nolpp · 26/09/2023 18:48

Maybe I didn’t get the memo in the past but in the last year or so I’ve been so bitterly disappointed by make behaviour. I look back and wonder if it was always this way but I’m only just noticing. I think part of it is I recently became a single parent and so I’ve had more dealings with men than I would usually, as I’ve had to speak to insurance companies, take car for MOT etc. Obviously I did some of these things before and I know women also work in these places but overall I am having more interaction with men.

Examples…

Driving. Whenever a car is right up behind me it is ALWAYS a man driving. I drive at the speed limit, not under, so presumably they think speed limits don’t apply to them.

I recently donated to a sponsorship for cancer research, an old school friend, quite literally not spoken in over two decades. He then messaged me to thank me for the donation and followed it up with a question about sex and positions he can do after his surgery. Why would anyone think that’s ok?

A colleague, well respected in his industry, tells me when drunk on a night out that he wishes all women conformed to the way of the 50s and stayed at home. He wasn’t joking.

In Sainsbury’s a week ago, a man grabbed my arse in a queue, I was shocked and stepped to one side, didn’t know what to do and said get the fuck away from me. I was next up for the till and the man behind the till said he does it to everyone !!! What the actual fuck? He did follow up to say they had tried to ban him from the shop. I cried in the car afterwards, it was awful.

Waiting for the baby changing unit in Mc Donnalds. A man eventually emerges, mutters sorry but he couldn’t wait, and looked sheepish. He wasn’t unwell, he was downing a Mc flurry when I came out.

Around 7 years ago I used to date someone who had recently got a job as a Judge in the family courts. He was very young to have got this job and in part it was to do with his father being a judge in the same court. Anyway one day we were talking about how money is worked out in a divorce and he said ‘it’s disgusting, women expect to be paid out after staying at home doing nothing with kids for fifteen years, so rather than getting a job of their own they steal the x husband’s pension.’ I am ashamed to say I laughed and agreed with him. I had a good job with no interest in giving it up so I felt I was compatible with this man who I now see was a bit of a monster.

I honestly feel like men make up the bulk of shit behaviour. It probably sounds dramatic but I actually feel sad about it, genuinely sad. And embarrassed that it’s taken me until this late in life to see it.

Yes, I know it’s not all men.

Rant over.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
24
Datanerd · 01/10/2023 13:33

Ramalangadingdong · 01/10/2023 09:16

I’m useless with numbers but even to me your stats don’t seem that overwhelming and even less so after a quick check of US demographics where 250m of the population are white and 40m black. You’re good with maths so it would be great if you could recalibrate with this in mind.

I'm not sure why you think your observation is particularly clever. Black men will always be overrepresented in these stats because they commit proportionally more crime. I wasn't going to mention that as we were talking about men and women, and the race debate is very complex and another thread entirely, it's something my work is very close to, so please don't try to 'gotya' me with it. It doesn't take away from the fact that you are more likely to be the victim of violence at the hands of the police as a man.
I'm not sure why you care so little about violence against men but it does nothing for the feminist argument, it just makes you appear dismissive and uncaring in order to prove a point.

AdamRyan · 01/10/2023 13:47

For God's sake data
This isn't about competitive victimhood. It's about who are the perpetrators.

What are the demographics of the people who kill, rape and assault men?

How do you propose to reduce violent crimes against men if you can't recognise the common thread running through the offender profile?

Datanerd · 01/10/2023 14:03

AdamRyan · 01/10/2023 13:47

For God's sake data
This isn't about competitive victimhood. It's about who are the perpetrators.

What are the demographics of the people who kill, rape and assault men?

How do you propose to reduce violent crimes against men if you can't recognise the common thread running through the offender profile?

I was responding to someone's point @AdamRyan
It's pointless debating if as soon as someone doesnt like the data they throw their hands in the air and say 'well well well... men do more crime so there!'

The fact is men are more likely to kill themselves, men are more likely to be victims of violent assault, so my point was that life isn't some rosy paradise for men either. For your average law abiding lad entering secondary school and the world at large, it is scary for them too. At a local secondary school near me, in ONE week the police were called three times due violent bullying against boys. Criminals are an issue for everyone, and making it man VS woman and demonising all men solves nothing.
I absolutely would have targeted interventions aimed specifically at men in order to reduce crime, without a doubt. I'm not sure where I have ever said I wouldn't.

TheaBrandt · 01/10/2023 14:22

Do they put on a nice front for mum though? Dd met the mother of a boy she knows gushing about what a lovely young man he is and how Dd and the other girls must all like him. Well Dd begs to differ this lad said to a group of girls recently that if his girlfriend didn’t have sex with him within 2 weeks he would rape her. They are all 14. This is a boy at private school who’s mother thinks the sun shines out of his arse 🙄

itsaquarterafterone · 01/10/2023 15:03

TheaBrandt · 01/10/2023 14:22

Do they put on a nice front for mum though? Dd met the mother of a boy she knows gushing about what a lovely young man he is and how Dd and the other girls must all like him. Well Dd begs to differ this lad said to a group of girls recently that if his girlfriend didn’t have sex with him within 2 weeks he would rape her. They are all 14. This is a boy at private school who’s mother thinks the sun shines out of his arse 🙄

This might have happened but your attitude stinks. My DS has a girlfriend and her Mum thinks he's the kindest loveliest boy she's ever met. You have basically told the PP that her Sons aren't nice people.

II was talking to my DH the other night when discussing a fight some men had had in our village. I asked him if it's frustrating for nice men that other men give them a bad name. He agreed it was because some were absolute aresholes.

TrishM80 · 01/10/2023 15:12

A lot of projection on this thread.

TheaBrandt · 01/10/2023 15:40

just relaying a conversation I had this morning. Unless you are the mother in question it isn’t about your son is it 🙄. Dd was quite shaken by it. And shocked at how deluded his mum is.

itsaquarterafterone · 01/10/2023 15:50

TheaBrandt · 01/10/2023 15:40

just relaying a conversation I had this morning. Unless you are the mother in question it isn’t about your son is it 🙄. Dd was quite shaken by it. And shocked at how deluded his mum is.

Sorry. I understand how upsetting it must have been for her.

I think a lot of how boys treat girls is behaviour they are taught from their Dads and other males they look up to.

TheaBrandt · 01/10/2023 16:00

I think it’s online. I hate the culture these boys are exposed to. I find it heartbreaking. Sure he has a lovely family who have done all they can but he is soaked in this grim porn rape culture and says things like that to girls his own age 😔

Natalya123 · 01/10/2023 16:03

ginasevern · 01/10/2023 11:29

@Natalya123

Here's a link to people shot by police. They are all men and all but one were armed and posing a serious and immediate danger to the public or had already killed one or more people. You are actually proving my earlier point that very few men are stalked, preyed upon and killed in random attacks, so thanks.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_killings_by_law_enforcement_officers_in_the_United_Kingdom

So not a list of unlawful killings by the police?

bombastix · 01/10/2023 16:04

@TheaBrandt - oh yes, the delusional mother with the vile son. Plenty of those around.

Not all of the Mothers etc

PaulaZackMayo · 01/10/2023 16:04

TheaBrandt · 01/10/2023 16:00

I think it’s online. I hate the culture these boys are exposed to. I find it heartbreaking. Sure he has a lovely family who have done all they can but he is soaked in this grim porn rape culture and says things like that to girls his own age 😔

Oh dear name change fail.

Me not you.

TheaBrandt · 01/10/2023 16:06

What name change fail? Confused.

PaulaZackMayo · 01/10/2023 16:08

TheaBrandt · 01/10/2023 16:06

What name change fail? Confused.

Me. I left the thread upset but came back under a different trying name to be calmer.

PaulaZackMayo · 01/10/2023 16:10

TheaBrandt · 01/10/2023 16:00

I think it’s online. I hate the culture these boys are exposed to. I find it heartbreaking. Sure he has a lovely family who have done all they can but he is soaked in this grim porn rape culture and says things like that to girls his own age 😔

I have spoken to my Son about porn and how it is not how women are to be treated etc.

Natalya123 · 01/10/2023 16:12

You are actually proving my earlier point that very few men are stalked, preyed upon and killed in random attacks, so thanks.

But ONS stats show that men are 4x more likely to be attacked by a stranger so clearly you're wrong. Men get stabbed/shot just for being in the wrong postcode. People just don't care about these men as they're at the bottom of society.

Why are you diverting from the original point (men raping and murdering women) into women shot by police officers?

Lol, so you want to change direction now you've realised that assertions about women being more at risk from the police can't be backed up. 😂

ginasevern · 01/10/2023 16:12

@itsaquarterafterone

I'm sure your husband and son are exemplary but to be fair your husband would agree with you. He's not going to say he had a hankering to join the fracas in the village is he.

TheaBrandt · 01/10/2023 16:13

I resent that parents are even put in this position. This hardcore grim porn needs to be tightly locked down so only over 21s can view it. I think future generations will be horrified at how we’ve handled allowing children to view this content. Mary Whitehouse was bloody right

itsaquarterafterone · 01/10/2023 16:18

ginasevern · 01/10/2023 16:12

@itsaquarterafterone

I'm sure your husband and son are exemplary but to be fair your husband would agree with you. He's not going to say he had a hankering to join the fracas in the village is he.

Are you for real?

Are you now saying my Husband lied to me. So you are now arguing the fact that some men think other men are wankers.

Unbelievable.

Natalya123 · 01/10/2023 16:19

TheaBrandt · 01/10/2023 16:13

I resent that parents are even put in this position. This hardcore grim porn needs to be tightly locked down so only over 21s can view it. I think future generations will be horrified at how we’ve handled allowing children to view this content. Mary Whitehouse was bloody right

A start would be looking at why so many women watch this stuff.

New data reveals that women in their droves are searching for porn with tags like "extreme brutal gangbang", "forced" and "rape".

While men still search for significantly more porn than women, search rates for these more extreme types of sexual content are at least twice as common among women than men.

https://www.vice.com/en/article/bm9w7v/why-are-so-many-women-searching-for-ultra-violent-porn

Why Are So Many Women Searching for Ultra-Violent Porn?

New data reveals that women in their droves are searching for porn with tags like "extreme brutal gangbang", "forced" and "rape".

https://www.vice.com/en/article/bm9w7v/why-are-so-many-women-searching-for-ultra-violent-porn

itsaquarterafterone · 01/10/2023 16:19

TheaBrandt · 01/10/2023 16:13

I resent that parents are even put in this position. This hardcore grim porn needs to be tightly locked down so only over 21s can view it. I think future generations will be horrified at how we’ve handled allowing children to view this content. Mary Whitehouse was bloody right

I couldn't agree more.

ginasevern · 01/10/2023 16:21

@TheaBrandt

I can't believe I'm actually saying this but I tend to agree with you, Mary Whitehouse was in part right. The more I witness the denegration of women through porn, so called comedy, TV presenters etc that I realise we are actually regressing. The promised new world freedoms have, by and large, benefitted men the most.

ginasevern · 01/10/2023 16:25

@TheaBrandt

Sorry, that sounded as though I was aghast at agreeing with you personally. I meant my astonishment at agreeing with Mary Whitehouse

AdamRyan · 01/10/2023 16:54

my point was that life isn't some rosy paradise for men either
This thread is specifically about the bad behaviour of men. Noone has claimed men have a rosy life. Posters are saying male behaviours cause the problems, for both other men and women.

You are part of the problem because you'd rather go "boo hoo, poor men have it harder" than address the male behaviours affecting everyone

Natalya123 · 01/10/2023 17:06

One of the main issues is that feminists are quick to moan about it but also very quick to throw their hands up and say "it's men that need to resolve it".

The average man is neither a perpetrator or a victim of rape or sexual assault so it's not something they have much experience in or insight into resolving. They're just trying to provide for their family in these ever more challenging times, often as the principle breadwinner.

And most women don't really seem too fussed that nearly as many men kill themselves every week as women are murdered in a year. This isn't likely to inspire men to step up and tackle issues where they're neither the victim or the perpetrator.

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