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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say they can’t visit with their dog?

134 replies

blutterfly · 26/09/2023 06:02

We live 4hrs from my parents. We have two primary aged children. We hardly see them anyway but they’ve recently got a puppy. A bouncy thing. We have an old and very nervous cat, who hides most days under the bed when we have visitors.

We have visited them since puppy arrived. DM has asked if they can visit us and bring puppy. I’ve said no it’s not fair on our cat. As far as I see it, it was their choice to get a dog not ours. They should get a pet sitter so they can visit. They’ve never had a dog before and always been cat people, so this is new way of life for them.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 26/09/2023 06:04

And today's dog thread is....

yogasaurus · 26/09/2023 06:04

Yanbu. Just say no.

MintJulia · 26/09/2023 06:10

YABU. They don't have to visit you at all.

There are several ways to manage this. It isn't too difficult. My dsis has a nervous elderly cat. When I took young DS to visit, the cat would retreat to dsis' bedroom until we left. DS wasn't allowed in.

When dnephew visited with his dog, the puppy crate stayed in the back of his estate car. The back door left open, and dog had his water bowl, toys and blankets in his puppy crate in his familiar car on a warm night, and stayed outside. Dnephew brought him in to the conservatory each day.

Their dog is still a puppy. Give them time to get it settled and in a routine, and then suggest a compromise.

rosie1959 · 26/09/2023 06:11

As you say the cat is nervous of visitors and hides under the bed so as long as you keep the puppy downstairs I can’t see a problem. As the cat is wary of human visitors I presume you don’t keep them away as well.
My daughter also has a cat that will make himself scarce if visitors arrive but she also has a very large bouncy dog but the elderly cat put him in his place from day one.
is the puppy the problem and the cat just a convenient excuse?

smallshinybutton · 26/09/2023 06:12

There's a lot of dog threads recently!

Anyway, no OP you are not unreasonable- if you don't want a dog in your house then why should you.

MidnightOnceMore · 26/09/2023 06:13

I think it's fine to say no. It's your house.

This is the reality of having a dog, they are not able to go everywhere.

billsbear · 26/09/2023 06:16

I think you are being unreasonable given its family and they’re travelling 4 hours to visit you. You can easily work around the cat/puppy situation - both can have designated rooms.

lightinthebox · 26/09/2023 06:18

I think it’s unfair to fixate on the dog. If it’s nervous around visitors maybe ban visitors too?

Just shut the door and keep the puppy downstairs. Go all the way if it’s really about caring about your cats welfare and ban any visitors.

Sheeponacid · 26/09/2023 06:20

Yab massively u to deny your primary aged kids the chance to spend time with a puppy - mine would never forgive me! There are plenty of ways to work around this, as pp have suggested.

GoodOldEmmaNess · 26/09/2023 06:22

I think it is fine to say no. No one should have any kind of expectation that they can bring their dog into another's house. I would actually refuse any kind offer to bring my dog into somoeone's house unless they were making the offer because they genuinely, genuinely were happy with it.

Just a little aside, if there is any way you could manage the situation with the cat (eg keeping one or both animals confined to a single room), would you consider it worth exploring, just for the fun that the puppy might give the children, and the benefits it will have for future family visits (to the parents or to other destinations)?

Since it is getting to be cooler weather how, perhaps the pup could be based in the car (if it is in a secure location) and the visit could be interspersed wit little walks or garden play?

CantFindTheBeat · 26/09/2023 06:26

It's fine to say no.

We have a nervous dog, she's fine outside the house but absolutely hates any other dogs being inside her home.

So everyone knows unfortunately we can't have their dogs to visit.

You're not obliged to have people's pets in your house. There are pleasant ways to say it though.

greenacrylicpaint · 26/09/2023 06:28

yanbu

it's ok not to want a dog in your house.

is there a compromise to be had with the dog staying outside in a secure area?

Dontfuckingsaycheese · 26/09/2023 06:28

I’d say it would be fair to at least give it a go. Do your dc like the new puppy? I know mine would have loved that! If your dcat opts for upstairs under a bed this is easily accommodated for a few hours. If puppy won’t settle and barks and scrabbles to get to cat it’s obviously a no-go but it’s at least worth trying. These are your parents and dcs’ grandparents after all!
If it fails, there’s your answer but at least you’ve tried. My ddog is not able to visit my sister’s house. Though she lives in countryside and has a ddog herself she also has two cats and my dog went blimming mental when we did give it a go. Nobody got any peace and that’s no good for all concerned including her cats. At least we gave it a go though and I totally understand why he’s not welcome there! It’s a pain but heyho.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 26/09/2023 06:31

Having a cat who is nervous of dogs due to early trauma I would not let a dog into her home. Could your parents rent a dog friendly cottage for the weekend and you can fill the weekend with walks and dog friendly pubs?

Ragwort · 26/09/2023 06:32

Just say no, I don't want people visiting me with a dog .. if it means we don't get to see them .. so be it. I have relatives who have pets ... I make the conscious choice not to stay with them, if I want to see them I stay in a B & B.

GoodOldEmmaNess · 26/09/2023 06:32

Actually, the car was a bad suggestion. I was thinking that the visit to your house would just be for a short period, but if they are travellin g four hours each way it will likely be too long a visit to be reasonably divided between walks and car.

When my dad used to visit with his three (!!) dogs, our own dog at the time was very grumpy and reactive, so he couldn't bring his dogs in (I probs wouldn't have had them in anyway -- three grubby poorly trained dogs felt a bit much). Our solution was to introduce my dad to the local boarding kennel. The dogs stayed there and we picked them up to go for walks.

LolaSmiles · 26/09/2023 06:40

If the issue is a cat, who hides out the way any time there's visitors, then I'd say they're fine to bring the puppy. Presumably you don't ban visitors because the cat doesn't like visitors. It isn't difficult to have separate spaces for the cat and the puppy, and it's a 4 hour drive for them.

If you simply don't want a dog in your house at all that's your call though as it's your house. Just tell them that and don't use the cat as an excuse.

cuckyplunt · 26/09/2023 06:43

Doors are wonderful things, if you “shut” one, you can have a dog on one side and a cat on the other and they can’t see each other.

Alargeoneplease89 · 26/09/2023 06:45

cuckyplunt · 26/09/2023 06:43

Doors are wonderful things, if you “shut” one, you can have a dog on one side and a cat on the other and they can’t see each other.

Cats are territorial and the smell could actually stress her cat out and cause cystitis.

Onewildandpreciouslife · 26/09/2023 06:47

Why not give it a go?

Cats have an amazing ability to take themselves away from situations they don’t like. I’d be more worried for the puppy to be honest as cats don’t take any shit from anyone.

Our in-laws we’re very worried when we got a puppy and the first visit to their place was a bit tense, but now they’re more excited about seeing the dog than us

Original poster
blutterfly · 26/09/2023 06:57

Thanks for all the replies.

They layout of our house means we’d have to shut puppy (who’s now actually 7 months old) in the kitchen or dining room really. He does have a crate so they could bring that.

The length of the car journey (which would probably be longer than 4hrs so they could stop for the dog) means they would stay overnight. Keeping cat (or dog!) shut in one room from Saturday to Sunday evening isn’t fair on either animal really.

No we don’t turn away visitors due to nervous cat but typically humans aren’t fond of chasing cats/squirrels/rabbits incessantly, digging and scrabbling to get to them

OP posts:
BeignetPommes · 26/09/2023 06:59

Cats are territorial and the smell could actually stress her cat out and cause cystitis

This. Even if the cat is upstairs it's still obviously aware of the dog and is under stress for the duration. It's really unfair to bring a dog into a cat's living space.

BusyBees1234 · 26/09/2023 07:05

Cat comes first obviously

I wouldn't want a dog stinking my house out either

Willmafrockfit · 26/09/2023 07:08

well if they are asking to stay the night that is fair enough, they can get a dog sitter

lightinthebox · 26/09/2023 07:13

That’s a misconception. Dogs are perfectly capable of living alongside cats and other animals, my guinea pigs can be out (supervised) with my dog.

I’d never trust a cat to not kill those pets.

It is unfair to fixate on the dog. Don’t use the cat as an excuse when you say it’s stressed by visitors anyway.