Uninvited from Christmas Day

[Bs0u416d]

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

What an odd suggestion. It's Christmas day and unlikely any sitters would be available. And she's not just taking her dog anywhere, it's to her family, who are usually accommodating and warm. I hope that yours is similar otherwise it's a pretty miserable Christmas around.

I really like you, OP. You’ve dealt with the usual Mumsnet black-and-white bollocks from posters either too excited to have a go at you, or too stupid to see beyond ‘large dog’, with grace.

You and your Dane can come to us for Christmas.

I disagree, I think this was the middle of a heated and emotional conversation, and probably OP saying she'd just see other family on Boxing Day felt like a tit for tat thing that her mum found hurtful in the moment.

OP's said her mum is a good egg generally.

Your response to my first post.

Just dropped in to say how heartening it is to read the balance and reserve on this thread. OP, a lot of this resonates with me because my late mother couldn’t cope with our large dog (greyhound- another gentle giant) in her house. She had no problem visiting us, but just couldn’t deal with it at home. From our point of view, the dog is part of our family and we couldn’t countenance Christmas without her, so it was accepted that family gatherings would not be at my parents’ house. I hope you find a solution and have a lovely Christmas when it comes.

I think you need to go full on guilt trip on this one OP.

I'd apologise for being a dick with what you said, but say the thought of being told that you can't all be together at Christmas, through no fault of your own, has upset you quiet a lot, and as you "don't know what could happen in the next couple of years" it may be the last time you're all able to be together in a big group.. big sad compo face.

We are exactly the same here, everyone's got dogs, kids, everyone is welcome, its what Christmas is about!!

Is there any chance you can take your dog over a few times between now and then to see if her dogs can get used to him a bit more?

YANBU! I agree ignore all the dog hating comments that aren’t relevant here. The point is your dog was welcome the previous years and no bother but now they have two yappy untrained dogs who haven’t been properly socialised suddenly your “massive scary great dane” is the problem….Ridiculous.

Another wonderfully wise and measured response. Exactly what I came her for. Of course I don't equate her to a pet!! She just made me mad and she made her own mistakes in the conversation and I lashed out, shes 72, not 92. But your words measured and you're right. Thanks.

Childish?! What?!? 😂😂

All too much hassle. Stay home with your dog, have a nice christmas at home without all this stress.

It's not impossible. Not everyone celebrates Christmas

I can't tell if youre agreeing that I've allowed emotions to cloud my feelings or if you're annoyed at something ive said 🙈

Re the Boxing Day thing- does this seem like a clash of wills- so your siblings would usually stay the Boxing Day at your mums but since you can't agree about the dogs and she has said don't come if it's with the dog, now you are saying well the siblings can come to me instead on BD - not your mum presumably?

We are going to PIL because they have two dogs. They just live 10 minutes away but don't like to leave the dogs. Meanwhile, our cats won't tolerate the dogs so we go there. They come here about 8am for a hour on Christmas morning to see DC playing with their presents. Then they go home and we go round for lunch about 1pm. It's all weird but it's Christmas.

I'd happily stay at home by myself with the cats but DH won't let me.

@Bs0u416d this post of yours sounds to me like maybe she hasn't been happy with your dog for a while and has tried to talk to you about it but you've not been receptive.

"Possible. I am and have been quite hot headed in the past when she has tried to talk about their dogs and ours."

She had uninvited you, you are not expected to go. YANBU here
What you do on boxing day and with it is only your business. YANBU here neither just don't tell her.

Can you stay at an air bnb so that minimises the time your dog is in the house?

Firstly, you have come to the wrong place, Mumsnet hates dogs!!!

But given that your family always have each others dogs over at big family events, what some of these posters deem acceptable isn't really relevant. I would definitely tell your mum you're hurt that your siblings, and all of their dogs still get an invite, but you don't, but you understand and you won't be joining them for Christmas day, and as planned have your siblings over for boxing day, that is a workaround where everyone wins, you will all get to see each other (granted not all at the same time) but no dogs get upset.

My money is on it being the first and last time it happens, when your mum realises that she doesn't like not having you all together at Christmas 🎄

This is one of the times when people realise what a huge commitment and unknown element a dog will be.
I’ve thought that the idea of commitment is equally apples to children. You don’t know what jobs they will do and what pets they will have but you love your children and welcome them for Xmas equally.

It’s not about dogs at all it’s about unfair exclusion without any attempt to find a compromise.
I actually think OP’s mum suspected that she wasn’t fair and wanted OP to go along and pretend that it’s ok and then became upset when it didn’t happen.

My dog is easy and relaxed and well trained and well socialised. My parents dogs are not (toy dogs, retired couple, enought land not to walk them). We have spoken about the limitations of her dogs in thep past, at length and perhaps I have not been receptive but it is difficult becuase her dogs are the issue 😭(obs I would say that)

I get that her dogs are the issue, but it's her house. And from the sounds of it they're quite small. A couple of toy poodles on the sofa is not the same as a GD on a sofa.

Whilst usually your family accommodate this and I’m completely on your side, what would happen if a relative had a cat and dogs weren’t welcome for that reason? When I host sadly my parents and siblings dogs have to go to a dog sitter/ hotel as I have cats! It’s those dogs home ultimately but your mum should have asked if you could come without the dog x

The offending article.

Next generation need to step up. It’s just not fair for the 70 plus elderly who’ve “always” hosted to have to keep doing it. Pull your weight and take over the hosting. It’s pretty exhausting- beds / catering etc not to mention a flipping Great Dane. thirty somethings should be doing it now.

Agreed. It is the way we had the conversation rather than the topic that offended.