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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Uninvited from Christmas Day

384 replies

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:01

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

OP posts:
Bunnyannesummers · 25/09/2023 22:50

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 22:46

The offending article.

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Stunning! He’s welcome at my house for all holidays

Original poster
Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 22:50

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 22:48

Agreed. It is the way we had the conversation rather than the topic that offended.

Show quote history

Responded in error to my own post

OP posts:
Original poster
Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 22:52

TheaBrandt · 25/09/2023 22:48

Next generation need to step up. It’s just not fair for the 70 plus elderly who’ve “always” hosted to have to keep doing it. Pull your weight and take over the hosting. It’s pretty exhausting- beds / catering etc not to mention a flipping Great Dane. thirty somethings should be doing it now.

Sorry, I think you missed some earlier bits of the conversation. We'd happily host, as would many of my siblings. My parents (mother in particular) wants toand thrives on hosting and would and does actively rejects suggestions the contrary

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 25/09/2023 22:53

LindorDoubleChoc · 25/09/2023 19:14

Dogs aside, it's probably time that you and your adult siblings (all in your 30s) offer to host your parents and inlaws every now and then? It's kind of childish to "go home" for Christmas when you're pushing middle age.

That's a weird statement when you have no clue if the parents are the one pushing to host.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 25/09/2023 22:55

MerryMarigold · 25/09/2023 19:26

Some of you guys are misery guts. I go home for Christmas every year and I'm 50 with a dh, dog and 3 teenagers. Gradually taken on more of the jobs/ cooking until this year I'll probably do all of it. But being in their house is special for all of us (and my mum's oven is better!).

OP, your mum's decision seems weird and abnormal for her. Is it? I'd be massively hurt she didn't want to see me over Christmas and couldn't compromise with dog. I would be worried there was something wrong with her, or you've upset her in another way.

Exactly, mumsnet can be a weird place.

It sounds like a dog family to me and they've always visited with their dogs.

The issue is the way her mother did not even raise the issue with OP to find a solution and just went straight to you're not coming.

Mari9999 · 25/09/2023 22:56

@Bs0u416d
An alternative way to look at the mother choosing her dog over her child is an adult daughter choosing her dog over her mother. You could kennel you dog for a few days but you would rather not spend Xmas with your family than have to kennel your dog. How is your priority in any different than your mother's priority? Each of you is choosing to put your stance first. In this case it would seem to be a situation where the Apple did not fall far from the tree.

DixonD · 25/09/2023 22:58

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:46

The rest of the conversation did not go well. She got upset because the family christmas was going to be incomplete but was equelly not suggesting alternative solution to us staying with them. I may or may not have said " there isnt any point in being upset, whether we have a family christmas again now depends on if you or (my) dog die first" this was not my finest hour.

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Maybe I have a dark sense of humour but that did make me laugh 😆

Ilovelifeverymuch · 25/09/2023 22:59

Mari9999 · 25/09/2023 22:56

@Bs0u416d
An alternative way to look at the mother choosing her dog over her child is an adult daughter choosing her dog over her mother. You could kennel you dog for a few days but you would rather not spend Xmas with your family than have to kennel your dog. How is your priority in any different than your mother's priority? Each of you is choosing to put your stance first. In this case it would seem to be a situation where the Apple did not fall far from the tree.

How did you reach this conclusion? From what I read they are a family who love dogs and have always visited with their dogs for many years, and her mother out of the blue just tells her not to come this year because she doesn't want OPs dog to distress her new dogs.

How is OP putting her dog ahead of her mother when her mother didn't even give her an opportunity to talk about it and try to find a compromise?

The issue here is not that she doesn't want the dog which is strange given their history but fine, it's the fact she made the decision to disinvite her daughter without even talking about it or trying to see if they can work something out.

Original poster
Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 23:00

Mari9999 · 25/09/2023 22:56

@Bs0u416d
An alternative way to look at the mother choosing her dog over her child is an adult daughter choosing her dog over her mother. You could kennel you dog for a few days but you would rather not spend Xmas with your family than have to kennel your dog. How is your priority in any different than your mother's priority? Each of you is choosing to put your stance first. In this case it would seem to be a situation where the Apple did not fall far from the tree.

Something my DP always says. That we are as stubborn as each other and there might be some truth to that sentiment.

OP posts:
OrangesLemonsLimes · 25/09/2023 23:09

Gorgeous dog! A beauty!

Maybe your mum (dad too?) is starting to find the entertaining slightly arduous, much as they’ve always loved doing it.

72 isn’t “old” but having 5 children and their partners, children and dogs over for a few nights is quite a lot. They’re maybe reluctant to admit that they are ageing and possibly struggling a bit, they’re not ready to face that, and your dog has bourne the brunt.

I think that maybe things are changing.

Original poster
Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 23:10

OrangesLemonsLimes · 25/09/2023 23:09

Gorgeous dog! A beauty!

Maybe your mum (dad too?) is starting to find the entertaining slightly arduous, much as they’ve always loved doing it.

72 isn’t “old” but having 5 children and their partners, children and dogs over for a few nights is quite a lot. They’re maybe reluctant to admit that they are ageing and possibly struggling a bit, they’re not ready to face that, and your dog has bourne the brunt.

I think that maybe things are changing.

I think you're rightm I think we (the children all know that) but I'm not sure she does yet.

OP posts:
mayorofcasterbridge · 25/09/2023 23:12

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 19:01

So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

So let's get this straight - you are prioritising your dog over a family Christmas and criticising you mother for prioritising her dogs???

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2023 23:18

mayorofcasterbridge · 25/09/2023 23:12

So let's get this straight - you are prioritising your dog over a family Christmas and criticising you mother for prioritising her dogs???

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But she isn't prioritising her dogs, because her Mom hasn't given her an option to come without them. She's just invited her.

justasking111 · 25/09/2023 23:18

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 23:10

I think you're rightm I think we (the children all know that) but I'm not sure she does yet.

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@Bs0u416d your mother's life shrank considerably during all the lockdowns COVID wise. It's knocked back a lot of retired people. The yappy dogs were an important lifeline at this time. I think it's all getting on top of her so many bodies to feed and entertain. Could you leave the dog at another siblings house?

SunshineRoo27 · 25/09/2023 23:20

I've not been able to read everything so apologies if it's been mentioned but why is it just your dog that's not allowed?

If their dogs are nervous, it must be around all dogs so your siblings shouldn't bring there ones.

Will the dogs be nervous with lots of people round, in which case your parents should not be hosting at all so that they don't stress the dogs out.

I'd be upset too OP, I love being at home for Christmas and would hate to be singled out and uninvited. A dog is family and has been included before so why the change? And why just an uninvite rather than a solution?

Notonthestairs · 25/09/2023 23:21

She didn't handle it well but yes she's entitled to disinvite your dog (although I'd be a Confused at your siblings being able to bring theirs)

But she's absolutely not entitled to block you from inviting family over on Boxing Day - that is very poor behaviour.

SequentialAnalyst · 25/09/2023 23:22

SleepingStandingUp · 25/09/2023 23:18

But she isn't prioritising her dogs, because her Mom hasn't given her an option to come without them. She's just invited her.

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OP's mother has every right to prioritise her own dogs, in her own home. Hmm

Notonthestairs · 25/09/2023 23:24

Just checking are your siblings bringing their dogs?

And are you close enough geographically for people to visit you on Boxing Day?

And last question! Can they bring their dogs to your house?

Totaly · 25/09/2023 23:26

I think you have plenty of time to arrange your own Christmas at home. Would that be so bad?

My kids love being at home Christmas Day - not having to get dressed or worry about the time they get up, spending the day in PJs!! Why not try it? You won’t go back.

Totaly · 25/09/2023 23:26

Your dog is beautiful but the way!

AcrossthePond55 · 25/09/2023 23:29

Bs0u416d · 25/09/2023 23:10

I think you're rightm I think we (the children all know that) but I'm not sure she does yet.

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Dogs aside....I'm in my 60s and TBH I wish one of my DC would take over 'doing the holidays'. I've 'done' them for 40 years and even though I'm fully capable, I'd just like to start being the 'guest'. Have I said anything? No. Why? Maybe because I have boys and I know the 'weight' would most likely fall on DiLs. Maybe because I worry that they'll say "It's cool. We don't need to get together". Who the fuck knows.

What I'm saying is, just don't be too sure your mum is 100% eager to do the entertaining. It may be that she doesn't know how to say it's getting too much. Your lovely GD becoming 'doggo-na non grata' may be just her first step to 'stepping down'. It may be that she's afraid if she doesn't host that the various siblings will start to plan their own Xmases so she'll miss out on seeing some, maybe all, of her children.

Something to think about when you're trying to think of solutions to this Xmas. Maybe it's time for a change in 2024 and you and your siblings can get together, compare notes about your mum (in a kind way, not a bitch season) and see if it may be time to start rotating hosting.

smilesup · 25/09/2023 23:37

I have been in almost the same situation with my mum and her dog and out dogs. It took a while for me to get it as she used to adore our dogs. Her dogs have become her world. I have to accept that as it want worth falling out over. We had a very honest conversation and sorted it out We no longer bring our dogs. The dogs don't give a shit it's Xmas or Easter because they are dogs, yes they miss us when they go to the dog sitter but they get over it. My Mum is now ancient no longer has dogs and will most likely die soon. I am very glad we prioritised her.

TheaBrandt · 25/09/2023 23:42

Absolutely across. The relief and appreciation my mum and mil clearly feel at coming to ours or my sisters for Christmas is palpable.They’ve served their time. Sorry but I do privately judge galumphing great healthy 30/40 somethings going “home” to be waited on by increasingly elderly parents. You’re not 19 anymore.

catzrulz · 26/09/2023 00:07

Apologies if this has been asked already.
What have your siblings said about this?
Hopefully you can get a solution in place before Christmas 🎄

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 26/09/2023 00:15

Your boy is gorgeous! He'd be welcome at ours, we'd just have to tuck the cats away, as we do when BIL brings his Dalmatian. The cats can get out an upstairs window onto the flat roof extension and down the pergola into the garden so just a minor inconvenience for them to be shut out of the downstairs rooms, and Dally-dog doesn't go upstairs or into the back garden so it all works out.

In your case, I'm wondering if your mum knows you'd be upset leaving your boy behind so overthought things then blurted it all out to you in the wrong way. You then answered in the wrong way leading to a bit of an impasse. I'd let things cool then apologise for harsh words spoken in the moment and say of course you want a family christmas with her and the others, and you've made arrangements for your boy not to come to her house. Ignore that your siblings' dogs are coming.

Then discuss with your siblings doing the meal at your parents next year - as they love to host, they can provide the venue but all of you do the work - bring and cook the food, set the table, wash up etc so your parents can be free to do the hosting. A couple of you can sort out going down the day or days before to help clean, make beds, and get the place ready. The others can strip beds and do laundry before leaving.

Would that work?