Uninvited from Christmas Day

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So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

No, not a comedian. And I am contrite. We all say things we don't mean when we are upset or backed into a corner. If you don't, then perhaps you're a saint and we'll all be seeing you at Christmas.

You sound a bit mean re that comment to your mother- as if she doesn't matter! I'd be livid

Well don't take her for granted - just because she hosts you all doesn't mean she wants your Great Dane ! You sound entitled

I wouldn't have taken that news one bit well OP, those previous family dogs would have welcomed your GD into the fold, no doubt about it. Loads of reasons why you can't leave your dog at Christmas and GDs don't do well in kennels imo.
All extremely disappointing, you probably don't want to be spending Christmas with just your DP and DDog, could you go somewhere else? Definitely host your siblings on Boxing Day so at least you'll see them all. Although hopefully your DM will reconsider and find a way to invite you all.

I acknowledge that what I said to my mother was a) mean and b) in the moment. On the whole, I am not mean, I am a caring and engaged (and very generous family member)

OP YABU for not providing a picture of your lovely Great Dane.

otherwise YANBU for your mother suddenly going barmy.

Your mum sounds like a bit of a diva and control freak OP. She has to be the host, your dog is banned without discussion, and you’re not even allowed to host the family the next day!

You're not hosting though

I'd never say something so nasty to my mother no

I love dogs and they would be welcome in my house

But there is no way a great Dane is going on my sofa!

I assume if your siblings go to you on Boxing Day then your parents won't come because the dog situation would be the same?

What breed are hers?

Thanks for the understanding. My GD (new mumsnet lingo) is a complete baby and we only leave him with known sitters that wouldnt be available at chrismtas. I think it will all come good, we have plenty of time to iron things out and this thread has given me renewed perspective re my mother.

That was particularly vile though

That sort of comment wouldn't cross my mind

Oh OP- I have no idea either way about the dogs but you have made me chuckle. You've handled this thread with good grace. And if I'm honest, I suspect the apple hasn't fallen far from the tree and you and your mother are quite similar in temperament. I hope you get it sorted and I'm sure you will.

She IS entitled to be a control freak over her own home though

I would feel hurt too in your shoes, OP. But what I don't understand is what your DM is proposing long term. That you never see each other again? That you never again share a Christmas together? Because unless you can both find a solution, that seems to be the outcome. Surely she can see that?

I haven't RTFT, but could you not stay somewhere nearby, so the dog issue isn't at play in the evening/night. It might be a compromise, along with keeping the dogs in different rooms when you are there. We have a family member who is very nervous of dogs, so ours have to be shut away when they visit.

OP, we won't be going to my in-laws this Christmas as scheduled because we have an elderly and rather grumpy dog and they recently took in two kittens, which will only be six months at Christmas and which will drive our old boy berserk and potentially end in major trouble. It can't be helped.

We're not hurt or angry about it, it's life. Create a better, more interesting Christmas for you and the dog. Go to a dog-friendly hotel, host friends at home, volunteer — whatever you fancy. Things change and being flexible and trying to find a positive solution is the way to go.

If one of my kids said that to me, I'd just laugh.

Your mother hasn't chosen her dogs over her child. You've chosen your dog over your parents. I'm pretty sure you can all go, just the dog can't. You have the choice of making arrangements for it or staying at home. What do you normally do if you go out somewhere or on holiday that's unsuitable for dogs?

So we use doggy day care and dog sitters (heavily but neither are an option over Christmas and we have always previously just taken him to my parents.

At first I believed the OP of this thread, it’s turned into yet another “its me or the dog” thread.

If someone is so uneducated in canine behaviour to think putting numerous family dogs together My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family they’re deluded. Who in their right mind would throw dogs together at a busy time of year?

Some people have too much time on their hands 😂

Yes her home the rules, but getting upset about OP then wanting to host the family in her own house the following day does suggest she’s being controlling. It seems she wants to be the sole host and it all has to be on her terms.

It sounds like you haven't really accepted that your mum is aging and finding things harder than she used to.

I think you have to realise that your parents are getting older and that things change. What was acceptable when she had two calmer dogs, isn’t working now and she’s clearly getting stressed. As my parents got older their previous openness and generosity seeped away and we had to adapt. Be a bit sympathetic to her feelings and try to understand. Also realise that this may be the start of a decline and things, by necessity, will not carry on unchanged indefinitely.

I’m sorry she phrased it badly and upset you; look for a solution and then go back to her and present it and I’m sure she’ll accept it. I don’t think that can involve taking the dog though.

I do have to say if you choose a statement dog like a Great Dane, you have to accept that brings its own issues. And that was a mean thing to say to your mum ~ do you really equate her death with that of your pet?

Genuine thread. That comment was simply to reflect that all of these dogs have spend numerous family occasions together! As recently as June. Its just my mother that seems to have problem. Their dogs are anxious and yappy but that doesnt seem to matter if we are there or not! Open to constructive critique though.

I think you can get house sitters in while you are away that will also look after your dog. They are free.

Would it be possible to go and visit your mum before Christmas and have a chat. She sounds overwhelmed. Ask her if she’s ok. Apologise for your mean outburst. Basically build some bridges and show her that you are there for her and appreciate all the hosting she has done over the years.

If you go without a solution in mind, the right one will present itself.