Uninvited from Christmas Day

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So, myself and my siblings (all adults in 30s) alternate Christmas day between our parents and our respective DP's parents. Thus, we have a big family christmas every two years. This year, my DM has asked us (me and DP) not to come because her dogs (two young dogs that have replaced now deceased family dogs) are nervous of my dog. Not only that, she was upset when I suggested we might have siblings and neice here on boxing day to compensate. My view was the dogs would just be expected to all muddle through for 48 hours for the sake of family. My dog is a great dane but very placid and uninterested in their smaller dogs. We'd also have been quite amenable to confining him to the utilty room but no such compromises were sough, just 'we'll miss and its a sad situation'. So, AIBU for being upset that my mother would choose her dogs over her child?

Either put your dog in a kennel over Christmas or stay at home. Not sure why you are upset about your parents request.

I would not want a Great Dane in my house at any time. Irrespective of other pets.

No. She is a wonderful mother and always has been. BUT in her later years she is less flexible and in this case I think it's easier to blame our dog than accept they have bitten of more than they can chew in terms of two young doggos. She seems as upset as we are but has shut down about the whole issue, rather than looking for solutions.

OP that’s awful.

Personally I would not discuss Christmas with your mother again but I would contact your siblings and offer to host Boxing Day. If your mother brings it up I would simply say you would like to have some kind of opportunity to see your siblings over the festive period and don’t answer her again.

She has every right to ask you not to bring your dog but just to in-invite you all together is ridiculous.

Rather than asking OP not to bring her dog, her DM went straight for the nuclear option of uninviting OP. That's the problem... OP hasn't been given the chance to make alternative arrangements

Dogs are very emotive for people. I don’t think your parents are unreasonable, they are responsible for these smaller dogs and don’t feel safe with your big dog there. I personally won’t go visit my parents this year with my family because my sister moved in with them and got a dog that I don’t trust around my kids.

Either get a kennel or have Christmas at home. It’s much better and less hassle than big family do’s!

That ia your (sensible) porogative. But my dog has been in and out of my parents homes and lives for nearly 4 years now. Would you exclude a child for thier dog or do you think you'd move heaven and earth to make sure your family could be together at christmas?

Your invited your dog isn’t kennel your dog

This is one of the times when people realise what a huge commitment and unknown element a dog will be.

Your mum didn't know when she got her new dogs they would turn out to be nervous and she is doing the right thing by them to not put them in an unsuitable situation that could impact them further.

I guess it wouldn't really really matter if you had a Great Dane or a Chihuahua you have a dog that impacts her dogs so it now can't go to hers for Christmas and she can't bring them to yours either. It is the commitment you took on when you got a dog that circumstances might change throughout its long life and it might no longer be possible to take it some places.

Taking your dog is just not an option now so whatever solution you find must involve the dog not going to your mums. Hopefully she was just anxious saying it as you knows you might overreact, will calm down now the subject has been broached and hopefully you can tell her you genuinely understand her position and you can then both calmly work out an amicable solution.

"there isnt any point in being upset, whether we have a family christmas again now depends on if you or (my) dog die first"

It is partially true now, if you have a family Christmas then someone's dog(s) will need to be elsewhere, but it was very unkind to imply the blame is on her. It is both your commitments to your dogs that has caused the issue - just because yours was there first is irrelevant.

Maybe she's fed up of that being the case and you always bringing your dog.

That’s shocking! I can’t imagine in the future asking my daughter not to come for Christmas for the sake of pets! Also, Great Danes are lovely dogs. As someone who has had both large dogs and small dogs, there are a lot of small dogs that are scared/nervous of large dogs but most large dogs are so gentle and placid (and smaller dogs tend to frankly be more unsafe).

I hope your mum realised what’s she’s actually asking and rectifies it.

I think your previous hot-headed interactions over the dogs won't have helped. She's less flexible and less able to cope, yes, but you're defensive and presuming things should continue the way they've always been despite there having been difficulties and complaints before.

You were quite hurt and surprised today, I get that, but I think you need to apologise for your part in it. And you need to work out a way to take the heat out of discussions about the dogs for the future.

Thank you so much for taking the time to write this. You're right. x

The thing is, if I hosted and excluded her and her dogs, she would be upset.

I can understand your mums position as my dog would be scared of a large breed too, and I just wouldn’t go. Exactly what I’m doing this year as my mums got a new puppy and my dog hates puppies. I’ve said I can’t come this year, let her know in August. It won’t be fair to anyone so this year we are having Christmas at home.

No, frankly, I wouldn't. It's a dumb animal, not the Christ Child come down to earth.

If I were you, I would post about the dogs problem (not the parents) on the canine board "In the doghouse."

I would not be happy about this either, if I were a parent of yours. My dogs, my rules for the dogs. You can't impose your dog on them just like that.

Post as I suggest, and see whether the extremely experienced dog owners of MN can suggest a practicable solution, which you in turn can suggest to your parents.

The folks on that thread may, of course, think that there is no practical solution, but at least you will have consulted with experts.

Everyone has agreed and disagreed without being a complete t*@t. No need to lover the tone.

I understand your frustration OP. But like many reasonable posters are saying, this could just be the last year you go to mums for Xmas. Your awesome Great Dane isn't going anywhere and neither are here manic pups. How far away does everyone live to mums house? Could you just go for dinner?

If this was the case with our family and we all had dogs who were part of Xmas I would be fuming too.

Ahaha! Christ, OP, I gasp-laughed at this. I mean, it's funny but, yes, probably not conducive to cordial family relations!

You've had great advice on here and don't need any more but I just had to register my appreciation of this slightly dark humour. (Now go and apologise to your mother! 😅)

Remember that of that last 4 years your dog has been around, three have been Covid years. Perhaps your parents have always been reticent about hosting your dog but it’s not always been as clear

I'm a home boarder and board over Christmas, all my colleagues do

I may or may not have said " there isnt any point in being upset, whether we have a family christmas again now depends on if you or (my) dog die first" this was not my finest hour.

Oh how very, very funny.
Do you make a living as a comedian?
A vile thing to say.

I think they were fine, until it wasnt fine. Their old dogs were happy enough with ours, their pups, not so much so. I undertand where they are coming from, I just think we need work arounds.

Ahh I can see both sides. Firstly, I am the one that can never bring my dog to other peoples houses as she is a mad rescue with lots of anxiety over various things so we always make other arrangements and it is hard to see other dogs with the family and wishing ours was there as well.

Having said that, my in-laws host a lot of Christmases and also have a large house, large garden and my MIL has confided in me a couple of times now how stressful she finds having all the dogs in the house with young kids and food on the countertops etc. There is usually a shredded teddy, stolen food, a crying toddler from where a dog has knocked him over and wee on the carpet with each visiting dog owner swearing blind it wasn’t their dog. However, my MIL feels she cannot stop the dogs from coming now as its been happening for so long but the reality is that more dogs and grandkids have been added to the family since this arrangement started and she’s getting older and finding it all too much. I can imagine one Christmas she will snap which may be what’s happened with your mum, although, I will say that she has unfairly singled you out with this.

Maybe she finds it all a bit much?