SIL baby name drama

[SILdrama]

NC because potentially outing. I will try and keep this fairly simple. There are some extra details which I won't go into for now but there is no backstory of any rows with SIL, who we have always got on OK with until now. BIL is DH's brother and SIL is DH's brother's wife.

DH's brother and his family live in the same town as us and until this year we saw each other regularly. DH and BIL have always been very close and our DC are close in age.

Our second DC was born in January and since then my SIL has not seen or spoken to us. We have seen my BIL and their DC but less frequently than usual. For a while we were busy with newborn life and had other things going on but after a while it started to feel really weird that SIL had still not met our DC or even congratulated us.

When DC was 6 months old DH confronted BIL and asked him whether there was a problem. It turns out the problem is that the name we chose for our DC2 is one of their DC2's middle names, which I knew beforehand, and so we should have understood that the name was off limits and we shouldn't use it. I did know this beforehand, but I didn't think it mattered, given that it is a very popular top 10 name, and that they gave their DC1 the same first name as another family member. Apparently we were wrong and it matters very much to SIL, who hasn't spoken to us since.

Their confrontation was about two months ago and we hadn't seen BIL since, but he continued to be chatty enough on family WhatsApp groups and like pictures of our DC etc. We are certain that all of this is coming from SIL and not BIL. Yesterday we were all invited to Sunday lunch at PIL's house and everyone was there except SIL. BIL's DC1, who is 3, came up to us and loudly demanded to know why we had stolen his little sister's name. This was glossed over in the moment, but last night DH sent a very angry message to BIL saying that it was not on for them to be saying these things about us in front of their DC, that SIL's behaviour is very childish and that no one owns names, especially not middle names.

DH is very upset and so are PIL. There has been zero drama in this family for as long as I have known them.

Who is in the wrong here? And how do we go about fixing it?

Honestly, why are some people so stupid about these things? They are really being idiots about this. Nobody 'owns' a name.

My nephew's middle name is DH's name. DD's middle name is the same as MIL and her cousin, and was my DM's middle name as well.

Your SIL is going to be incandescent when her dc starts nursery/school and there are other kids there with the name.

This seems very immature if i’m honest. Myself and my brothers were all expecting babies in the same year. My parents asked us to share our names so we could make sure they were all different. It worked out well and we didn’t share the names out with the family.

Sil has taken this too far. Is the name
of any sentimental value? If she loved it that much then she should have given it as a first name and not a middle name.

Maybe it would have been best to just say to them beforehand, we also love the name and are going to use it just to give them a heads up but too late k no one.

SIL is taking it too far but I wouldnt be stressing myself with it. I’d carry on with normal and if she wants to exclude herself from the family then it’s her choice.

Your SIL is being very petty. My DD2 has my nieces middle name as her first name and no one has ever been bothered by it. I have no idea how you resolve it.

Absolutely batshit. Them, not you

This is so ridiculous. DD’s first name is my middle name. Her middle name is one of my cousins names. Ds1 has the same name as two cousins and the same middle name as my brother. Ds1 and his cousin have the same middle name.

your SIL is being incredibly precious about a complete non-issue.

Thanks for the replies.

I clearly think she is being batshit but there is a seed of doubt since I did ask BIL what his children's middle names were when I was pregnant. Obviously now I wish I hadn't even asked him.

We didn't want to discuss names with anyone beforehand because we didn't want to tell anyone what we were having, but as it happens the name we would have chosen for a baby of the opposite sex is also one of their other DC's middle names.

I guess we just aren't very original.

For further context, my DH and I are from different countries and we wanted names which are the same in both languages, so we were working from a reduced shortlist to begin with. Both their DC's first names would have been on our list, as well as the feminine version of their DS's name, if they hadn't already used them. Obviously we weren't going to use those names as that would have been really weird but we think getting possessive over middle names is too much.

I don’t think I’d do anything. Not your circus, not your monkeys. I maintain strict demarcation issues when it comes to DH’s parents or siblings behaving weirdly — his issue to sort, if he thinks it’s important. If he doesn’t, that’s fine too, but I’m certainly not bustling about like the Truth and Reconciliation Tribunal.

Perhaps the name was "the one" for her but your BIL veto'd so it became a middle name and she's envious you get to have it as your DD's first name? Just thinking of anything that would make her have such a strong reaction (not that it's justified to treat you this way and create family drama).

DS' middle name is DH's cousin's first name (cousin is only 10) and we considered it as a first name for DS because I was quite attached to it, before finding the name I loved more for DS.

It's a non issue my cousins first name is my middle name (and my DM first name(. This is normal in families!
She needs to move on middle names don't even get used In daily life.
How the hell you resolve this I don't know as it's so normal to use the same names in families.
Even the royal family has multiple children with the same middle name (Elizabeth).
I bet the next girl to be born has it as a first name also.

I did wonder this, but honestly, I think SIL is very used to getting her own way and I'm pretty sure that if the middle name had been "the one" for her they would have used it.

And they have both previously talked about how their DC's first name was "the one" for both of them.

Your SIL is a bloody lunatic and I would not even consider pandering to her in any way. She's utterly ridiculous.

She's nuts.
No one uses middles names. Ever. My DC didn't even know their own middle names for a few years until I made a point of telling them (and explaining the meaning).

DC2's first name is the same as his cousin's middle name and they're only 7 months apart. Its a family name and I was just so glad that they hadn't used it as a first name! Never had any comment from any of the family.

She's being very unreasonable and childish. Don't say anything further, don't feed the craziness with any confrontations or, the opposite, any apologies. Carry on, let her distance herself from the family, that's entirely her choice. Her loss.

When I heard a friend gave my daughter's name to their daughter I was quite proud (it is quite original not unique but not that many) I have good taste 😎. What I didn't like was the unnecessary lie that came with it, some convoluted story about the name similar to the pope🙄, just give me credit, but mostly who cares? I don't own the name, no need to lie.

My Daughter and Nephew have the same middle name! It’s a family name (unisex) of a much loved family member who passed, and we think love they have the same middle name!
okay she got annoyed but to carry on like this, god she needs to get over it! What is she going to do never see you all again? Pathetic

I would just let sil sulk

you and pil crack on as normal, invite bil, sil and the kids as you would do and leave it to them if they attend or not

My sister checked with me first before using my DD middle name as her DD first name. To put it bluntly, I really didn't give a fuck and was fine with it. Your SIL clearly thinks you should have asked her first but I was surprised my sis did at all. SIL really needs to grow up

I couldn't even tell you the middle names of any of my nieces and nephews! I'm sure we were told when they were born, but as they're never, ever used, they've gone completely out of my brain. Likewise, I have no idea what the middle names are of any of my cousins, aunts or uncles...

Well this is exactly what I am wondering.

How long is she going to keep refusing to see us?

I feel bad for my part in creating family drama but I do feel she is being unreasonable.

And I feel sad because I am very fond of BIL and my DC1 absolutely loves spending time with their DC. DH was hoping that when they get a bit older we would be able to have family holidays together so all the DC can spend time with their cousins but that doesn't look likely at the moment.

There is also another brother who also had a baby this year and the name he and his wife picked was also on our list. Obviously if we had gone with that one they would have had to choose something else. That's just the way it goes, right? I really don't think I would have cared if they'd chosen one of our DC's middle names.

I would tell BIL to tell his wife to grow the Fuck Up.

Yeah that's what I'm thinking. But even so - she needs to get over it.

I think I'd want to double check with BIL whether there was more to it (like, the name was her deceased Mother's and every time she hears the name she starts crying. Or something).

Otherwise, I'm not sure what you could do. It's done now. Would you have used the name if she'd explicitly asked you not to?

Maybe in asking what her DCs middle names are, she mistakenly thinks you went out of your way to choose one of the middle names, and hadn't already been considering it?

Definitely not her deceased mother's name or anything like that.

Extra context: she is from a different, non-European, country and as far as I am aware it isn't a name that is used in her culture at all.

In fact, when I suggested the name Sara, DH vetoed it on the grounds that SIL's mother, who is very much alive and kicking, is called Zara, and he thought that would be weird.

It's possible she thinks we did it deliberately, but really, who would do that?

If it was a really unusual name then we might have thought better of it, but it's not, the name is about as basic as it gets.

My son and nephew have the same exact whole name except for starting syllable! Same middle and surname. Same ending to first name. I didn’t even notice for a few weeks (my son came first).

SIL is off her rocker op.

I think your dh has probably made things worse sending that text. Why on earth didn't he talk to him face to face when he had the chance at his parents?