Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL baby name drama

146 replies

SILdrama · 25/09/2023 15:23

NC because potentially outing. I will try and keep this fairly simple. There are some extra details which I won't go into for now but there is no backstory of any rows with SIL, who we have always got on OK with until now. BIL is DH's brother and SIL is DH's brother's wife.

DH's brother and his family live in the same town as us and until this year we saw each other regularly. DH and BIL have always been very close and our DC are close in age.

Our second DC was born in January and since then my SIL has not seen or spoken to us. We have seen my BIL and their DC but less frequently than usual. For a while we were busy with newborn life and had other things going on but after a while it started to feel really weird that SIL had still not met our DC or even congratulated us.

When DC was 6 months old DH confronted BIL and asked him whether there was a problem. It turns out the problem is that the name we chose for our DC2 is one of their DC2's middle names, which I knew beforehand, and so we should have understood that the name was off limits and we shouldn't use it. I did know this beforehand, but I didn't think it mattered, given that it is a very popular top 10 name, and that they gave their DC1 the same first name as another family member. Apparently we were wrong and it matters very much to SIL, who hasn't spoken to us since.

Their confrontation was about two months ago and we hadn't seen BIL since, but he continued to be chatty enough on family WhatsApp groups and like pictures of our DC etc. We are certain that all of this is coming from SIL and not BIL. Yesterday we were all invited to Sunday lunch at PIL's house and everyone was there except SIL. BIL's DC1, who is 3, came up to us and loudly demanded to know why we had stolen his little sister's name. This was glossed over in the moment, but last night DH sent a very angry message to BIL saying that it was not on for them to be saying these things about us in front of their DC, that SIL's behaviour is very childish and that no one owns names, especially not middle names.

DH is very upset and so are PIL. There has been zero drama in this family for as long as I have known them.

Who is in the wrong here? And how do we go about fixing it?

OP posts:
Pandora55 · 25/09/2023 16:01

She's being really childish. Made herself look a right div really hasn't she. I don't even know my nieces and nephews middle names lol.

My own SIL called her son the shortened version of my child's name. Even though we used to call them that. But yeah we had to just get on with it I suppose and I didn't kick up a fuss. And I sure as hell didn't cause a big ridiculous fall out in the family.

Original poster
SILdrama · 25/09/2023 16:03

RedHelenB · 25/09/2023 15:58

I think your dh has probably made things worse sending that text. Why on earth didn't he talk to him face to face when he had the chance at his parents?

I guess he didn't want to make a scene. A family friend was also visiting and he doesn't like to air his dirty laundry in public.

OP posts:
TheMurderousGoose · 25/09/2023 16:04

She must have very little going on in her life to be so consumed with anger over this.

All you can do is wait for her to come to her senses. I certainly wouldn't be apologising to her or trying to get her on side.

AmyDudley · 25/09/2023 16:05

One of my sister's close friends named her DD the same as my sister's DD, she asked first, and my sister said no problem, go for it, it is a relatively popular girls name although probably not top ten (at that time anyway).
My niece was absolutely thrilled that friends new baby was named 'after' her, and the two girls loved sharing a name it made a special link between them.

Your DD and SIL's child would probably also enjoy sharing a name as cousins, if your SIL hadn't fed her kids a load of nonsense about you stealing the name.

MustGetOutofBed · 25/09/2023 16:09

Your SiL is being ridiculous and needs to get over herself! As it's your DH's family I'd be leaving him to deal with it.
If it was my family you'd be given short shrift, if it was the SiL on my DH's side she'd be pandered to unfortunately (all the while everyone moans about the drama behind her back).

Ignore her batshittery and enjoy your baby girl 👶 🥰

Original poster
SILdrama · 25/09/2023 16:09

AmyDudley · 25/09/2023 16:05

One of my sister's close friends named her DD the same as my sister's DD, she asked first, and my sister said no problem, go for it, it is a relatively popular girls name although probably not top ten (at that time anyway).
My niece was absolutely thrilled that friends new baby was named 'after' her, and the two girls loved sharing a name it made a special link between them.

Your DD and SIL's child would probably also enjoy sharing a name as cousins, if your SIL hadn't fed her kids a load of nonsense about you stealing the name.

I think that's what made DH so angry yesterday, the fact that at least one of them has been bad mouthing us in front of their DC.

Their DC whose middle name it is is only 18 months old so too young to understand, but the 3 year old has clearly taken everything in. We don't want a stupid argument between adults to get in the way of our DC having a close relationship with their cousins.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 25/09/2023 16:10

Its not your fault, and to a degree I think it is up to your DH to deal with his family - but maybe you could deal with her yourself, female to female? Perhaps a nice note, saying something like "I am very sorry that the choice of name has caused you so much upset and I would really like to understand why. I can't change the name now, it is what it is, but I would really like to get back to how things were before all this happened"

Offer her a way back, as she has maybe made a scene, thinking you would change (or be made to change?) but nothing has happened and now she is stuck being the batshit one.

Whataretheodds · 25/09/2023 16:11

tb4122 · 25/09/2023 15:38

Perhaps the name was "the one" for her but your BIL veto'd so it became a middle name and she's envious you get to have it as your DD's first name? Just thinking of anything that would make her have such a strong reaction (not that it's justified to treat you this way and create family drama).

DS' middle name is DH's cousin's first name (cousin is only 10) and we considered it as a first name for DS because I was quite attached to it, before finding the name I loved more for DS.

Even if that's the explanation her behaviour is still totally ridiculous.

OP, I wouldn't give it a second thought. If anyone tries to suggest again that you've stolen her daughter's name look really puzzled and say 'that's impossible. You can't steal names. See, <cousin> still has all her names. They haven't gone anywhere. How silly".

Whataretheodds · 25/09/2023 16:12

We don't want a stupid argument between adults to get in the way of our DC having a close relationship with their cousins.

That's entirely down to how far BIL wants to keep the peace and contact between brothers/cousins. You can't force them.

Daffodil18 · 25/09/2023 16:13

So it’s a popular name and you’ve used it. Jeez! I would understand if it was her DCs first name but not the middle name. Nobody regularly uses middle names. My SIL used my middle name for her DCs first name and I said oh that’s my middle name. She didn’t even realise and not that it would even matter because it’s my middle name. Your SIL is being very petty.

lilyblue5 · 25/09/2023 16:15

This is bloody bonkers. What a mess. I don’t think I’d even bother with them anymore.

Original poster
SILdrama · 25/09/2023 16:15

Createausername1970 · 25/09/2023 16:10

Its not your fault, and to a degree I think it is up to your DH to deal with his family - but maybe you could deal with her yourself, female to female? Perhaps a nice note, saying something like "I am very sorry that the choice of name has caused you so much upset and I would really like to understand why. I can't change the name now, it is what it is, but I would really like to get back to how things were before all this happened"

Offer her a way back, as she has maybe made a scene, thinking you would change (or be made to change?) but nothing has happened and now she is stuck being the batshit one.

I don't think there can have been any expectation on her part that we would change the name. Firstly, they didn't even tell us why she wasn't speaking to us for six months, we had to ask. Secondly, you have to register the birth within three days here and once it's been registered you can't change it, so even if she had kicked up a stink at the time it would probably already have been too late for us to register a different name. I found this quite stressful both times because it meant that we needed to have decided on a name in advance, and this time we really struggled. I actually had my heart set on a different name but I couldn't get DH on board, and this name was the only one that we were able to agree on. Technically we hadn't made a final decision until after she was born and once she was out DH said I should pick from our final two, but I suppose when I was in labour I had already made my peace with not naming her my first choice and was already thinking of her as this name so we went with his choice in the end.

OP posts:
lilyblue5 · 25/09/2023 16:16

I don’t even know what my nieces and nephews middle names are - nore do I care!
Was she like this before the baby was born? This might just be an excuse to step back from the family?

Exasperatednow · 25/09/2023 16:18

Your dh needs to have a conversation with his brother and ask him whether he wants this state of affairs to continue or whether he is going to talk to his wife.
You aren't going to change the name so the choice is to carry on sulking and ruin family relationships or get over it. Only she can decide that.
You have to move on and let it go whatever she decides and make the best of the situation as it is. You can't change this.

Topseyt123 · 25/09/2023 16:18

Your SIL's behaviour is just stupid and I am not sure it's worth gracing it with any response at all, beyond a brisk "grow up and stop being such a drama llama" stuff.

MrsMarzetti · 25/09/2023 16:24

Your SIL needs to get over herself. She is also has double standards, ok for her to use another family members name but not for you to do it ! Batshit crazy. Best thing to do is ignore her. She has dug herself into a hole and can't get out of it.

blackrabbitwhiterabbit · 25/09/2023 16:25

Batshit bonkers

MadamWhiteleigh · 25/09/2023 16:25

We don't want a stupid argument between adults to get in the way of our DC having a close relationship with their cousins

Well don’t escalate it by making DH and his brother row about it. At the moment, SIL is the only one missing out, your BIL is happy to see you and bring his kids - don’t jeopardise that by making this bigger. Act normally, invite them to everything you would’ve before and if she doesn’t come, don’t comment on her absence.

itsalongwaybackfromsorry · 25/09/2023 16:30

Was your SIL a child bride? Because she sounds like she's a stroppy 12 year old.

And your BIL backing her up makes it sound like he's also an immature idiot.

You've done nothing wrong. Nothing. Your SIL and BIL are ridiculous, and I hope the extended family are backing you and quietly making it clear that they are ridiculous and their petty immature behaviour is not acceptable.

OP, be prepared for this to his the rags. Prime material, really. Maybe you can send them a link to the news story when it does.

Moonlightdust · 25/09/2023 16:31

Not speaking to you since February all because you used her child’s middle name as your DC’s first name is absolutely pathetic. Even more pathetic is the fact she’s STILL harping on about it and in-front of her 3 year who is repeating you stole his sister’s name! Who ever uses their middle name other than on formal documents anyway?! Nut job.

Rosesarered222 · 25/09/2023 16:36

Surely there must be something else and she’s using this as an Excuse to
block you out of her life

Lollypop701 · 25/09/2023 16:40

But the DSIL is badmouthing op to a 3yo, or at least saying shit in front of her 3yo often enough that the 3yo is repeating it. Not good

I think dh is going to have to have a meeting with his db and ask him what he wants to happen moving forward… because your child is now named and that’s not going to change (just like their child who had stolen someone else’s middle name)

So it’s his snd sil choice… a family relationship with cousins playing together etc or for this issue to cause a family rift , and to let you know. because you can’t make them behave differently so whatever they decide I’d go with it , because the alternative is to try and ride it out with an undercurrent every time you meet

momonpurpose · 25/09/2023 16:43

Sil is ridiculous. In my family all boys have my fathers name as the middle name. Now there are great grandchildren with it to. My daughters name is the same as a cousin

Original poster
SILdrama · 25/09/2023 16:43

Rosesarered222 · 25/09/2023 16:36

Surely there must be something else and she’s using this as an Excuse to
block you out of her life

There is absolutely no back story between us and her.

I would have liked us to be closer since we are the same age and live in the same town and have quite a lot in common but the relationship was always just cordial. We went out for lunch together a few weeks before I gave birth because I wanted to talk to her about trying for a VBAC and we met up and it was all very friendly but that was the first and only time we have ever met up without the rest of the family.

After I gave birth I texted her to say it had all gone very well and thanking her for her advice and she just sent me a thumbs up, no congratulations or anything which I thought was weird at the time but it wasn't at the forefront of my mind, I assumed I'd just caught her at a bad time and that we would see each other soon anyway.

If there is something else going on which is causing her to behave like this, I don't see what it can possibly have to do with us.

OP posts:
Gnomegnomegnome · 25/09/2023 16:44

Tell her that you chose it to honour their dd and that you thought that it was a lovely gesture.