SIL baby name drama

[SILdrama]

NC because potentially outing. I will try and keep this fairly simple. There are some extra details which I won't go into for now but there is no backstory of any rows with SIL, who we have always got on OK with until now. BIL is DH's brother and SIL is DH's brother's wife.

DH's brother and his family live in the same town as us and until this year we saw each other regularly. DH and BIL have always been very close and our DC are close in age.

Our second DC was born in January and since then my SIL has not seen or spoken to us. We have seen my BIL and their DC but less frequently than usual. For a while we were busy with newborn life and had other things going on but after a while it started to feel really weird that SIL had still not met our DC or even congratulated us.

When DC was 6 months old DH confronted BIL and asked him whether there was a problem. It turns out the problem is that the name we chose for our DC2 is one of their DC2's middle names, which I knew beforehand, and so we should have understood that the name was off limits and we shouldn't use it. I did know this beforehand, but I didn't think it mattered, given that it is a very popular top 10 name, and that they gave their DC1 the same first name as another family member. Apparently we were wrong and it matters very much to SIL, who hasn't spoken to us since.

Their confrontation was about two months ago and we hadn't seen BIL since, but he continued to be chatty enough on family WhatsApp groups and like pictures of our DC etc. We are certain that all of this is coming from SIL and not BIL. Yesterday we were all invited to Sunday lunch at PIL's house and everyone was there except SIL. BIL's DC1, who is 3, came up to us and loudly demanded to know why we had stolen his little sister's name. This was glossed over in the moment, but last night DH sent a very angry message to BIL saying that it was not on for them to be saying these things about us in front of their DC, that SIL's behaviour is very childish and that no one owns names, especially not middle names.

DH is very upset and so are PIL. There has been zero drama in this family for as long as I have known them.

Who is in the wrong here? And how do we go about fixing it?

It's an excuse to distance herself from the family. Now she can get out of family get-togethers easily.

Don't give it any more thought.

SIL is being completely mental about this! I’d get it if you’d stolen her DC’s first name but a middle name is neither here nor there! In our family, 3 boys have the same middle name. Literally a non issue and for her to create such a divide over it is worrying. Is she ok?

I would ignore drama, if your niece or nephew say anything else then I would nicely explain that you can’t steal a name and that as your DC2 hasn’t the same first name as them it isn’t important.
Yes your SIL is being petty and ridiculous but your husband getting annoyed at his brother for his SIL’s behaviour is just going to affect his relationship with him. He probably feels annoyed at his wife getting her knickers in a twist over something so trivial but obviously he’s going to back up his wife.
I would personally write a letter to SIL saying you’re sorry she is upset over your choice of name and had you known before registering your DC2 name you would have chosen a different one. The ball is in her court then and whether she comes round or carries on with her personal grievance is up to her. Either way just carry on enjoying your family , niece, nephew and in laws and if she chooses to be a martyr then it doesn’t affect you.

I won't be writing her a letter saying any such thing because that would imply that I think she is being reasonable when she clearly isn't.

They had the first boy and the first girl in this generation in the extended family. They got their first choice of names both times.

If we'd known this would be a problem for them we'd have told them to grow up and gone ahead and done it anyway.

Is she still being a weirdo OP?

Nothing has changed.

We bumped into them in the street briefly a couple of weeks ago and made brief small talk but other than that she's still avoiding us and the subject hasn't been directly addressed.

In fact before we knew what the issue was my DH was constantly complaining that SIL is happy to use my PIL for emergency childcare and lifts to and from the airport when it suits her but isn't interested in actually spending time with the family.

I think this is key. She's looking for an excuse to distance herself further and has seized this.

Honestly? This isn't about the name. The OP had the temerity to have a baby after the SIL and the family are interested in the new baby.

I remember a thread (YEARS ago) where someone was complaining that a friend had "copied" her. The friend had got married and had a baby soon after the poster and the poster found this unacceptable.

What a wild overreaction to a complete nothing event, is she normally this dramatic?
Totally out of line bitching about it in front of the 3yo as well and having him carry messages. I can't stand people who talk through children when they don't have the balls to say what they want to say from their own mouths.
To be clear it's one of two middle names and a common name? So for example her DD is Charlotte Lily Rose and your DD is Rose?
I can't imagine how anyone can get their knickers in a twist about that!

FWIW in my family there are god knows how many with James/Jim/Jamie as either first or middle name, must be at least 10 throughout 3 generations; my DS has FIL's name as his middle name which a cousin also has in the feminine form as a first name eg Fil is Joseph, DS is Oscar Joseph, cousin is Josephine/Josie; at least 3 cousins have Jane as a middle name and one aunt has it as first name, I have the same name as my cousin 5 years younger but she goes by a nickname eg Jennifer/Jenny and my DD has the feminine of my grandad's name as her middle name.

Guess how many fights there's been about it? Zero ever because that would be ridiculous.

Hah, well if it hadn't been for our fertility issues we would have had our babies first, and I expect she would have found that problematic too.

If I was capable of being around her son and behaving like a grown up when I was suffering from recurrent miscarriages and hadn't managed to have a child yet, I have zero sympathy for her not being able to be around my daughter and behave like a grown up over a middle name.

Also if she wanted her children to have unique names she probably should have looked outside the current top 20.

So for example her DD is Charlotte Lily Rose and your DD is Rose?

Very like that, yes.

I wouldn't be able to forgive her for not wanting to meet your daughter, regardless of the name drama. Can't imagine my sil refusing to see my baby for six months! And if that did happen she wouldn't be seeing them ever.

BIL and SIL are absolutely batshit 🤡

There is no way I would have shared names with my parents or siblings before DC were born. It seems pretty micro managing of the parents in this scenario.

DH and I did not share names with anyone until it was a done deal (a few weeks after birth).

you are not wrong, seriously some people are completel derranged

Just sounds like an excuse to not hang out with you and continue using your PIL As lifts and childcare.

she doesn’t want it to be fixed she just wants an excuse not to interact in your family. Sounds sad for BIL. Can you invite him round and just assume she has the hump because she wants to?

I agree with this.

We didn't really get to do a fun pregnancy announcement with either of our children because by the time I got pregnant with my son it was technically my 6th pregnancy and the whole thing was horribly stressful. Both times we ended up quietly giving my in laws a heads up at about 5 weeks so they knew not to serve food I couldn't eat or offer me wine at lunch and we just gradually got more optimistic as the pregnancies progressed.

We didn't want to tell anyone whether we were having a boy or a girl before they were born and we certainly didn't want to run our name choices past people and invite their opinions beforehand.

We did precisely one announcement each time, which was, "Baby has been born, everyone is healthy, it's a boy/girl called John/Jane."

Discussing the sex and name with other people beforehand would have ruined the only element of surprise there still was.

She’s nuts. Copying a first name would be a bit weird because you’re obviously close so it would get confusing if nothing else when you were together. A middle name though?! She even cares about a person’s middle name? Plus the fact it isn’t even a rare name but a top 10 mega common one. Crazy.

That’s your choice but our choice we were happy to do it and didn’t spoil our surprise as only immediate family knew and no one else.

Everyone needs to do what’s right for them and what’s special to them. Some people keep quiet and that’s great, some people choose to share and that’s also great. No judgement here for whatever people choose to do but again people do what’s right for them- there’s no right or wrong.

I am the first to say it's not on to use same names as family members but this is a middle name and a top ten name. I can't imagine getting so worked up about an unremarkable name.

My husband and his cousin have the same first name! Nobody got upset, nobody minded. I wonder if your SiL has undiagnosed post natal depression? I've had that - and ordinary depression - and one thing that is heightened is terrible oversensitivity and a tendency to get hurt very easily by minor slights or misunderstandings. I think if you reached out and asked if you could just go back to how things were, stressing that it's best for the kids to know their cousins, you understand that she's upset but you had no intention of doing that and didn't realise how it would affect her. If you could get a dialogue going you could explain that it's been difficult for your family feeling that she's angry at you and not knowing why, and it's always better to talk these things out instead of ghosting. If she doesn't respond to any of this I'm not sure if there's much more you can do tbh. She sounds very fragile.