Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SIL baby name drama

146 replies

SILdrama · 25/09/2023 15:23

NC because potentially outing. I will try and keep this fairly simple. There are some extra details which I won't go into for now but there is no backstory of any rows with SIL, who we have always got on OK with until now. BIL is DH's brother and SIL is DH's brother's wife.

DH's brother and his family live in the same town as us and until this year we saw each other regularly. DH and BIL have always been very close and our DC are close in age.

Our second DC was born in January and since then my SIL has not seen or spoken to us. We have seen my BIL and their DC but less frequently than usual. For a while we were busy with newborn life and had other things going on but after a while it started to feel really weird that SIL had still not met our DC or even congratulated us.

When DC was 6 months old DH confronted BIL and asked him whether there was a problem. It turns out the problem is that the name we chose for our DC2 is one of their DC2's middle names, which I knew beforehand, and so we should have understood that the name was off limits and we shouldn't use it. I did know this beforehand, but I didn't think it mattered, given that it is a very popular top 10 name, and that they gave their DC1 the same first name as another family member. Apparently we were wrong and it matters very much to SIL, who hasn't spoken to us since.

Their confrontation was about two months ago and we hadn't seen BIL since, but he continued to be chatty enough on family WhatsApp groups and like pictures of our DC etc. We are certain that all of this is coming from SIL and not BIL. Yesterday we were all invited to Sunday lunch at PIL's house and everyone was there except SIL. BIL's DC1, who is 3, came up to us and loudly demanded to know why we had stolen his little sister's name. This was glossed over in the moment, but last night DH sent a very angry message to BIL saying that it was not on for them to be saying these things about us in front of their DC, that SIL's behaviour is very childish and that no one owns names, especially not middle names.

DH is very upset and so are PIL. There has been zero drama in this family for as long as I have known them.

Who is in the wrong here? And how do we go about fixing it?

OP posts:
saraclara · 25/09/2023 18:15

I only found out my niece's first name a few months ago. And she's in her mid 30s and we're a close family!

When she was born we were told that her name was (say) Beth. Only after my own daughter had called her baby (say) Elizabeth, did we discover that niece is actually Elizabeth, and was thrilled that the baby had been given her name 😂

RomaniIteDomum · 25/09/2023 18:17

She's being ridiculous. Both my nephews have the same middle name and DS's middle name is the Gaelic form of that same name. His first name is also shared with two men in my family.

No one gives a crap as they are all individuals.

PinkArt · 25/09/2023 18:30

Look it definitely sounds nuts, from your side. But from her POV I bet you asking her husband about the kids middle names in passing has become something much more nefarious than it actually was. Just look at the number of 'she stole my baby name!' posts that pop up here.
If you can I'd go high and try for you and your DH to speak to her and hers to clear things up. Explain that just like they liked the name, you like the name. It wasn't malicious, it wasn't intentional and you'd like to find a way for everyone to move forwards.

EvilElsa · 25/09/2023 18:31

Oh just let the silly bugger get on with it. If she wants to miss out on family events and relationships because of a middle name then more fool her. I'd have gently explained to the 3 year old that lots of people have the same names as each other and that's a nice thing and nothing to worry about. They were bloody silly to discuss it in front of him and upset him. It's clearly stuck with him.
I wouldn't be apologising. I'd just carry on as normal. If they want to make the effort then great, if not that's up to them.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 25/09/2023 18:33

She is being completely ridiculous. And if she's going to tell her children this nonsense then if they mention it to you again I think you can go ahead explain to her child how ridiculous her mother is being.

My second DD has literally the same first and middle names as a close friend of mine. Not remotely the reason we chose those names. We did warn her in advance because I thought it might be a bit of on odd thing to surprise someone with, and she decided to embrace it. She sends birthday messages on FB to my DD from the big *first name, last name"

Another friend has since given their baby the same first name as my DD. So when we get together they are big name and little name

No one owns a name FFS. Shame that it's caused a problem in your family, but if she's going to behave this way over this, she'd have eventually done it about something else anyway. The sooner you find out what people are really like the less time you end up wasting on them.

CirceIsMyHomegirl · 25/09/2023 18:43

To echo many others here, your SIL is being ridiculous, but I can understand why you feel unhappy about the situation as it stands.
Can your DH and his brother get together to discuss it and see if they can find a resolution? I don't think you have anything to feel guilty about and I don't think you should have to fight your corner when you've done nothing wrong.

willWillSmithsmith · 25/09/2023 20:04

SILdrama · 25/09/2023 17:20

To be clear, they don't share the same middle name. We used one of their DD's middle names (she has two) as our DD's first name.

Show quote history

Sorry, I worded it wrong. I knew it was a middle name and first name but either way she still sounds batty 😬

WeAreOnTheRoadToNowhere · 25/09/2023 20:07

I don't think she wants to be friends with you and this is her excuse
From what you said about how she was before namegate it sounds like she was luke warm
Leave her to it

EIMWDIEAD · 25/09/2023 20:11

I didn’t think this would be something to worry about. My DCs first name is a middle name of another family member, it didn’t even cross my mind that would be a problem. Middle names are almost non names given for the sake of it. My DC have ‘special to me’ middle names, but if someone used them as a first name I wouldn’t give it a second thought. Your SIL sounds crazy to stop talking to you over something so petty.

nevynevster · 25/09/2023 20:18

I think all you can do if you want to "make peace" with the family is to just drop them a message and say "look we are sorry that you feel we "stole" the name, we didn't think it was a big deal as it was a middle name and we were looking for a name that worked in both languages and this one we both loved. We are sorry it has made you upset but our DC is named now so we can't undo this so hopefully you can accept the apology and we all move forward?"

I think they are being quite unreasonable fwiw but it's probably worth just putting the apology out there to smooth it all over.

TheaBrandt · 25/09/2023 20:20

Christ imagine having so little going on in your life this bothers you?! I would be quite flattered.

Is SIL own name Verruca Salt?

karakchai · 25/09/2023 20:26

Your SIL is pathetic.

DinnaeFashYersel · 25/09/2023 20:29

Your SIL is utterly batshit.

CherryMaDeara · 25/09/2023 20:30

they gave their DC1 the same first name as another family member.

How do they explain their hypocrisy here, OP?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 25/09/2023 20:46

Yanbu and she is blowing this out of all proportion.

However I am not sure why your husband asked what the middle names were, then never mentioned it to them again, and then called your daughter it? That does seem a bit like 'copying' as if you'd had the heart set on the name then why ask? It doesn't excuse her reaction but might be why she seems to think it was deliberate.

I'd tell them that you made an error of judgement in thinking that they'd be pleased that the cousins shared a name, you're sorry that they feel hurt, is there any way that you can meet up and put it all behind you for the sake of harmonious family meet ups and close relationships between cousins etc. Then at least if she chooses the drama over being a grown up going forward you at least know you've done your best to reconcile

Original poster
SILdrama · 25/09/2023 21:42

CherryMaDeara · 25/09/2023 20:30

they gave their DC1 the same first name as another family member.

How do they explain their hypocrisy here, OP?

Apparently it's not the same because the person is in a different generation.

OP posts:
Original poster
SILdrama · 25/09/2023 21:44

WeAreOnTheRoadToNowhere · 25/09/2023 20:07

I don't think she wants to be friends with you and this is her excuse
From what you said about how she was before namegate it sounds like she was luke warm
Leave her to it

We're not asking her to be friends with me, just to not hate our guts and to show up to family events every now and then. I'm not interested in being friends with her now I know what she's like, we just want her to move on from this for the sake of the wider family.

OP posts:
shockthemonkey · 25/09/2023 21:51

We’ll she’d have had a real issue if she’d been my mother.

My cousin (the daughter of my mother’s sister) was born six months after me and was given the same first name as me. Identical.

Your SIL needs to get a grip.

shockthemonkey · 25/09/2023 21:52

My mother was totally chilled about it. Found it cute actually

newfriend05 · 25/09/2023 21:55

My nephew has my sons middle name .. and we all love the fact that they have this link ..

Goldbar · 25/09/2023 22:14

I think the way that you fix this is to completely ignore it until SIL realises what a complete arse she is being and then you graciously accept her apology.

TheThunderer · 25/09/2023 22:17

Honestly, your SIL sounds like she was always a bit of a diva waiting to happen anyway. So if she's staying out of the way and not talking to you, then I'd count that as a good thing.

If it wasn't this that kicked her off, it would be something else. And if you patch this up, then there'll be another thing soon enough - somebody will dare to have a party in the same month as her birthday, or something, and she'll be LIVID at the AUDACITY and have another tantrum. Some people it's just not worth appeasing.

Getting her little kids involved is obviously a shitty and stupid thing for her to do. But hopefully you will still see them without her there and will be able to explain that names can't be stolen, and lots of people are called " Charlotte" because it's a nice name.

Winnipeggy · 25/09/2023 22:35

My DD has the same middle name as my nieces middle name, but I genuinely didn't realise until after she was born (bad aunt I know) - it's a common name though.

Like others have said, if it was a unique name then I can understand a little resentment. Likewise if it was the same first name, that would be odd. But in this situation I feel like there must either be something else going on or your SIL has just got herself so backed into a corner she feels she has to double down. I'm sure it'll pass, encourage your partner to build bridges with his brother but I wouldn't worry about her, she'll have to get over it at some point.

CaroleSinger · 25/09/2023 22:35

They'd love my family. My mum's cousin named his children after myself and my sister then claimed not to have realised lol 🤣

mogtheexcellent · 25/09/2023 22:59

Christ she would hate my family. Names are duplicated among us cousins (two jasons, two sarahs etc) and now our children are sharing names.

We love it.