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Original poster

SIL baby name drama

146 replies

SILdrama · 25/09/2023 15:23

NC because potentially outing. I will try and keep this fairly simple. There are some extra details which I won't go into for now but there is no backstory of any rows with SIL, who we have always got on OK with until now. BIL is DH's brother and SIL is DH's brother's wife.

DH's brother and his family live in the same town as us and until this year we saw each other regularly. DH and BIL have always been very close and our DC are close in age.

Our second DC was born in January and since then my SIL has not seen or spoken to us. We have seen my BIL and their DC but less frequently than usual. For a while we were busy with newborn life and had other things going on but after a while it started to feel really weird that SIL had still not met our DC or even congratulated us.

When DC was 6 months old DH confronted BIL and asked him whether there was a problem. It turns out the problem is that the name we chose for our DC2 is one of their DC2's middle names, which I knew beforehand, and so we should have understood that the name was off limits and we shouldn't use it. I did know this beforehand, but I didn't think it mattered, given that it is a very popular top 10 name, and that they gave their DC1 the same first name as another family member. Apparently we were wrong and it matters very much to SIL, who hasn't spoken to us since.

Their confrontation was about two months ago and we hadn't seen BIL since, but he continued to be chatty enough on family WhatsApp groups and like pictures of our DC etc. We are certain that all of this is coming from SIL and not BIL. Yesterday we were all invited to Sunday lunch at PIL's house and everyone was there except SIL. BIL's DC1, who is 3, came up to us and loudly demanded to know why we had stolen his little sister's name. This was glossed over in the moment, but last night DH sent a very angry message to BIL saying that it was not on for them to be saying these things about us in front of their DC, that SIL's behaviour is very childish and that no one owns names, especially not middle names.

DH is very upset and so are PIL. There has been zero drama in this family for as long as I have known them.

Who is in the wrong here? And how do we go about fixing it?

OP posts:
Knittingisacraptherapy · 25/09/2023 23:16

I have a very unusual first name. A friend of ours gave their new puppy the same name. I was deeply flattered. 😁Your SIL is a twat.

EKGEMS · 25/09/2023 23:37

People like this do exist-my mother still holds a grudge against my aunt for naming my cousin with the name she wanted to name me both first and middle name so my mom switched it around when I was born six months later. I'm 50 years old for heaven sakes! I honestly wonder who has time for such pettiness?

HashtagDerekSays · 26/09/2023 00:37

God, life's too bloody short. It's not even a name the child is addressed by. I honestly think you should just tell her to unclench for a moment, your BIL aswell. Honestly, who's going to care apart from them? They sound like knobheads to go this far 😂

Louise303 · 26/09/2023 01:48

My family have lots of the same names passed down over the last 100 years that I know of. Your sil is being very petty and the poor little 3 year old cousin he must of heard this so much to comment that you stole the name.

Coyoacan · 26/09/2023 02:31

I'd be keeping an eye out in case she is trying to create a rift between her husband and his family.

Threeboysadogandacat · 26/09/2023 02:37

My sister used my dad’s name as one of her son’s middle names. My son was born 5 weeks later. I used the name as my son’s first name. If my sister was unhappy she didn’t mention it.

electriclight · 26/09/2023 02:53

I wonder whether she was hoping her dd might use it as a first name in the future or something like that, and she thinks that's less likely now.

Not that it matters really, because you haven't done anything wrong and she is hugely over-reacting and entrenching herself into an increasingly ridiculous position.

If I am honest, given how close your two families were, I think I'd have mentioned it to her beforehand - not asked, just mentioned it.

Surely there's more to this though, and this is her 'last straw'? I'm not saying she's right, but might she feel that you are always copying them, or that you are hugely favoured as a family by pil, or something that has made this small issue into something bigger for her?

autienotnaughty · 26/09/2023 03:04

It's ridiculous. I have one niece and if we decided to use her middle name no one would blink.

If someone wanted to use one of my children's names I'd be flattered . Have either of you tried to speak to her to clear the air? I wouldn't apologise but I'd get in touch to acknowledge her feelings. If that was ignored then I'd leave her to it.

NorthernLights5 · 26/09/2023 03:56

She sounds pathetic. I'd maybe be slightly more forgiving if she chose a name which was more original....but If she wanted names no one else in the family used she should have looked outside the bloody top ten list of names!

givemeasunnyday · 26/09/2023 04:10

Another vote for your SIL being ridiculous, childish, and a drama queen. If she wants to play silly games and not attend family events over this then let her - she's pathetic.

Flatandhappy · 26/09/2023 04:41

She sounds like an absolute nutter tbh, what adult makes that kind of fuss over a middle name. My son’s daughter has a middle name which my daughter adores, she will probably use it as a first name if she ever has a girl. Both DD and SIL know and love the name from the same tv character. I know they have spoken about it and SIL thinks it would be a lovely family link.

DNAwrangler · 26/09/2023 04:52

Where are you? If SIL is from a different culture / background, particularly if you’re living there, is it a bigger deal than it might otherwise be?

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 26/09/2023 05:09

WeAreOnTheRoadToNowhere · 25/09/2023 20:07

I don't think she wants to be friends with you and this is her excuse
From what you said about how she was before namegate it sounds like she was luke warm
Leave her to it

Totally agree with this. Giving someone anyone a thumbs up after a birth announcement let alone a SIL is seriously rude. She was looking for a way to get distance from the family and she has grabbed this very weak excuse

Northernparent68 · 26/09/2023 06:04

i can see your sil point, you specifically asked her what her children’s ful names were, and then used them. I expect the fact you asked raised her expectations the name wouldn’t be used.

Original poster
SILdrama · 26/09/2023 06:34

Northernparent68 · 26/09/2023 06:04

i can see your sil point, you specifically asked her what her children’s ful names were, and then used them. I expect the fact you asked raised her expectations the name wouldn’t be used.

Well obviously I wish I hadn't asked BIL what they were, I don't even know why I did, I was obsessing about names at the time. But it was a conversation I had with him, not her, and it didn't really mean anything to me since half my extended family share the same two or three middle names, they'd already given their son the same name as a family member and it literally didn't occur to me that someone could be petty enough to care.

OP posts:
Original poster
SILdrama · 26/09/2023 06:36

DNAwrangler · 26/09/2023 04:52

Where are you? If SIL is from a different culture / background, particularly if you’re living there, is it a bigger deal than it might otherwise be?

I don't want to be too specific about details but we are both living in DH/BIL's country and she and I are both from different countries. It's not an issue in the culture we live in and if it were an issue in her culture I assume they wouldn't have given their DS the name of another family member.

OP posts:
Original poster
SILdrama · 26/09/2023 06:39

electriclight · 26/09/2023 02:53

I wonder whether she was hoping her dd might use it as a first name in the future or something like that, and she thinks that's less likely now.

Not that it matters really, because you haven't done anything wrong and she is hugely over-reacting and entrenching herself into an increasingly ridiculous position.

If I am honest, given how close your two families were, I think I'd have mentioned it to her beforehand - not asked, just mentioned it.

Surely there's more to this though, and this is her 'last straw'? I'm not saying she's right, but might she feel that you are always copying them, or that you are hugely favoured as a family by pil, or something that has made this small issue into something bigger for her?

If there is more to it from her side then I have no idea what it is.

We got the same pushchair as them, does that count as "copying"?

I've been in the family for longer but my PIL have always been very welcoming of everyone and equally generous with their time and help. In fact before we knew what the issue was my DH was constantly complaining that SIL is happy to use my PIL for emergency childcare and lifts to and from the airport when it suits her but isn't interested in actually spending time with the family.

OP posts:
Rosesarered222 · 26/09/2023 09:08

From your posts she sounds really bitter and is coming across as someone who loves attention. It’s almost as if she wants to get under your skin and keep you guessing. Which is cruel. She obviously has no care for the family and how her actions are affecting the dynamics of the brother relationship.

I don’t think she ever liked you and jumped on the first (very flimsey ) thing she could get hold of to hate you. I’ve been in a situation like this before with so called friend. I drove my self crazy trying to rationalise their behaviour. It sounds as though you are trying to figure out why she doesn’t like you……sound like it could be jealousy around your birth….did you have an easier birth than hers, did you have the gender she wanted? Is your house bigger? To be honest if could be a million things .

you seem very level headed and a reasonable person- as others have said just ignore and give it no attention. Act as though she doesn’t exist

Just ignore her and enjoy time with the family. It would be so awkward is she was around anyway. So probably a blessing in disguise

Goodornot · 26/09/2023 09:10

Don't even try fixing it. Just leave them to it.

How ridiculous.

pizzaHeart · 26/09/2023 09:14

electriclight · 26/09/2023 02:53

I wonder whether she was hoping her dd might use it as a first name in the future or something like that, and she thinks that's less likely now.

Not that it matters really, because you haven't done anything wrong and she is hugely over-reacting and entrenching herself into an increasingly ridiculous position.

If I am honest, given how close your two families were, I think I'd have mentioned it to her beforehand - not asked, just mentioned it.

Surely there's more to this though, and this is her 'last straw'? I'm not saying she's right, but might she feel that you are always copying them, or that you are hugely favoured as a family by pil, or something that has made this small issue into something bigger for her?

I agree with this^
It was better to mention the name choice and I would acknowledge my mistake about this . But it can’t be just about the name. There should be something else, not necessarily with you but with PIL or wider family on BIL side. I’m not saying that the whole family treats SIL badly but it seems that she’s thinking this and the name incident became her last straw.
Or I wonder if things are not good between her and BIL hence her animosity against his side of the family.

Her reaction on your news about the birth was very strange, by the way. Anyone would say congratulations at least out of politeness. Was it before or after she learned which name you gave to your daughter?

Original poster
SILdrama · 26/09/2023 09:18

Rosesarered222 · 26/09/2023 09:08

From your posts she sounds really bitter and is coming across as someone who loves attention. It’s almost as if she wants to get under your skin and keep you guessing. Which is cruel. She obviously has no care for the family and how her actions are affecting the dynamics of the brother relationship.

I don’t think she ever liked you and jumped on the first (very flimsey ) thing she could get hold of to hate you. I’ve been in a situation like this before with so called friend. I drove my self crazy trying to rationalise their behaviour. It sounds as though you are trying to figure out why she doesn’t like you……sound like it could be jealousy around your birth….did you have an easier birth than hers, did you have the gender she wanted? Is your house bigger? To be honest if could be a million things .

you seem very level headed and a reasonable person- as others have said just ignore and give it no attention. Act as though she doesn’t exist

Just ignore her and enjoy time with the family. It would be so awkward is she was around anyway. So probably a blessing in disguise

In terms of birth experiences I did everything she did in the same order. We both had a boy, then a girl. Both had a traumatic C-section, then a positive VBAC second time. So in so many ways I've done exactly the same as she has done and got exactly the same things she has got.

We do have a bigger apartment than they do. Ours is big enough for our family and theirs isn't big enough for their family and now the property market is completely fucked and no one can upsize. But overall, no, I don't get the sense that she is particularly jealous of my life or even that she disliked me before, this really all started with the name thing.

OP posts:
Original poster
SILdrama · 26/09/2023 09:26

pizzaHeart · 26/09/2023 09:14

I agree with this^
It was better to mention the name choice and I would acknowledge my mistake about this . But it can’t be just about the name. There should be something else, not necessarily with you but with PIL or wider family on BIL side. I’m not saying that the whole family treats SIL badly but it seems that she’s thinking this and the name incident became her last straw.
Or I wonder if things are not good between her and BIL hence her animosity against his side of the family.

Her reaction on your news about the birth was very strange, by the way. Anyone would say congratulations at least out of politeness. Was it before or after she learned which name you gave to your daughter?

Show quote history

The family definitely does not treat her badly, honestly, my PIL are the nicest people you could ever hope to meet and the whole family is really close and gets on well with each other. Like I said, there has been zero drama up until this point.

It's possible that their marriage isn't going very well at the moment and BIL just hasn't spoken about it out of loyalty to her. That would be sad because they're both super family orientated and would both see divorce as a huge failure. I feel really bad for him because it now appears that he's either going to be married to a high maintenance drama queen for potentially the next 50+ years, or end up divorced which they would both see as a huge failure.

For me the worst thing about all of this is actually the impact it's having on my PIL, who are really upset about it. I kind of feel that even if she does hate my guts for some reason, she knows how much it's upsetting them, particularly my MIL who really does a huge amount for them, and she should be the bigger person.

OP posts:
Freezingcoldinseptember · 26/09/2023 09:29

Tell sil you will set up a dd of 10p a week to cover rental charges of the said name....

pizzaHeart · 26/09/2023 09:39

I wondered about their marriage from my own personal experience, if I just argued with my DH I wouldn’t be able to answer a phone call from my MIL and chat with her. I would be able to answer my mum’s call and I would chat as absolutely nothing happened but not with relatives on my DH’s side.

You never know people, your SIL family orientation might be just for her own family ( she , BIL and their DC ) and she might disagree about BIL spending lots of time with his wider family. My cousin had this problem with his wife. Eventually they moved abroad and everyone in the family joked that his wife wanted to put him as far away from his wider family as possible. She was never friendly with his relatives, only when she needed something , she was very friendly with her own friends ( all of them were quite rich and influential) .

Original poster
SILdrama · 26/09/2023 09:50

pizzaHeart · 26/09/2023 09:39

I wondered about their marriage from my own personal experience, if I just argued with my DH I wouldn’t be able to answer a phone call from my MIL and chat with her. I would be able to answer my mum’s call and I would chat as absolutely nothing happened but not with relatives on my DH’s side.

You never know people, your SIL family orientation might be just for her own family ( she , BIL and their DC ) and she might disagree about BIL spending lots of time with his wider family. My cousin had this problem with his wife. Eventually they moved abroad and everyone in the family joked that his wife wanted to put him as far away from his wider family as possible. She was never friendly with his relatives, only when she needed something , she was very friendly with her own friends ( all of them were quite rich and influential) .

I don't know, it's a weird one.

She has lived in this country since she was 18, as have her two siblings, and they are all well settled here. That was actually what sparked the confrontation in the first place because every time DH invited them to come over to ours to meet DD they always had plans with SIL's siblings, and DH felt that SIL is more than happy to take advantage of the help that PIL provide with childcare etc, but when it comes to actually spending time with the family she always puts her side of the family first and doesn't give a shit about BIL's side. DH felt that BIL should be more firm with her and say it wasn't on that they were spending so much time with her family that they never had time to see the rest of us, especially given how quickly they will pick up the phone to my MIL when they need something. That was actually what DH confronted BIL about. He was completely blindsided when BIL brought up the name thing.

At the end of the day they voluntarily chose to move 10 minutes' walk from PIL's house and 20 minutes' walk from our house, and they are constantly asking PIL to babysit. So I think it suits her just fine to live near the in laws and I don't think they would have chosen to live where they do if she wanted to alienate him from his family. And it does appear that her beef is with us specifically, not PIL. But obviously PIL are caught up in the middle of it.

After their DS started repeating what he had heard his parents saying in front of everyone on Sunday my FIL apparently had a quiet word with BIL and said he needed to sort this out, but not sure exactly what was said.

OP posts: