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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask you for a great come back?

131 replies

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 00:50

Been dating a guy a while. Been on about 5 dates, slept together a few times. It’s fairly casual.

I turned 40 this year and I’ve been really into boundary setting and stating what I want during dating, which is serving me well.

He has been a bit on and off with the texting (although very reliable about meeting in person). Twice now I’ve called him out for not replying to messages mid-way through a conversation.

I’m travelling at the moment and we were exchanging some fun, adult messages (all consensual and nothing too explicit) and Saturday night he asked for a photo.

I very gladly obliged…and I haven’t heard a peep back since. It’s now early hours of Sunday morning and he still hasn’t replied!

I’d like to come up with a sensible response for when he does reappear (which he will, I’m sure).

That was truly a boundary for me. Not responding to small talk is one thing. Not replying to a half-naked photo though, that he’d requested, midway through a ‘sexting’ conversation, is a real no-go.

I don’t want to ignore him, nor do I want to look ‘hysterical’ but in the name of not letting men get away with quite so much shit, I want to point out where he went wrong.

Scribes of Mumsnet, hit me with your best responses….

OP posts:

howsaboutit · 25/09/2023 13:17

I turned 40 this year and I’ve been really into boundary setting and stating what I want during dating, which is serving me well.

He has been a bit on and off with the texting (although very reliable about meeting in person). Twice now I’ve called him out for not replying to messages mid-way through a conversation.

OP, I really don’t think you are actually setting boundaries at all. If one of your boundaries and what you want from dating someone is that they are engaged with texting conversations, you’ve actually not set the boundary at all. You’ve recognised that he’s leaving conversations abruptly and continued to date anyway. That is not setting a boundary.

Whether others’ would send a photo or not is irrelevant and I don’t see the point in people attempting to chastise you for that. I think the main thing here is that you think you’ve set standards but when those standards aren’t met you’re ignoring that. He’s not replied to the photo you sent, if you want to set boundaries, you don’t start brainstorming for a witty come back once he replies, you chalk it up as an experience and move on to the next.

I think it’s very wise to have expectations of the people we date, have boundaries, deal breakers etc. It means we don’t waste time and effort on people that aren’t well suited enough to us. There’s absolutely no point at all in having these though if when they aren’t met you continue to date anyway and hope things will improve. My favourite saying is “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”.

YoureALizardHarry11 · 25/09/2023 13:24

Perhaps don’t send intimate photos to a guy who has crossed your boundaries in the past and who you barely know. It comes across as if you are desperate for his approval which, in turn, will mean he respects you even less.

You’ve given him what he wants for his own entertainment and now he’s buggered off. Tell him to fuck off and block him if he comes back.

birker · 25/09/2023 14:57

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 11:03

I really haven’t missed the point.

The best comparison I can give is if I had a friend that I always went shopping with…and one day I went shopping without her and we chatted all day long about the shopping, and she urged me to send her pictures of the dress I’d bought….and then she never replied again.

I wouldn’t be a fool for having sent her the photo of the dress. She’d shown interest in the dress, we had been shopping many times together before and she’d asked to see the dress. She’d just be really rude for ignoring the photo once I sent it.

(Shopping alone isn’t a metaphor for sex, incidentally, it’s just the best analogy I could come up with)

I do understand the point that is being made, but it assumes I didn’t assess the situation before I sent the photo. I did, and I had no reason (that I saw…) not to send it.

Edited

I don't think you've done anything wrong OP. I don't think you have anything to be embarrassed about. I'm loving your body confidence and agree that if 2 adults are happy sending photos then good on you.

I actually agree he's rude for not responding.

However, the part I'm struggling to get my head round is why you'd want any further contact with him or why you'd feel the need to call him out in his poor behaviour? What do you think the outcome would be?

Original poster

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 16:22

birker · 25/09/2023 14:57

I actually agree he's rude for not responding.

Show quote history

I don’t! I thought I did but having had the best part of 48 hours to think it through (and a myriad of advice on here), I absolutely don’t want to reconnect with him.

OP posts:

Somethingsnappy · 25/09/2023 17:06

It certainly is rude, but also weirdly game-playing, because he surely, surely must realise how that would seem, to ignore such a photo. If he doesn't realise, I would question his intelligence. Either way, he wouldn't be someone I'd want to continue a relationship with.

nobodysdaughternow · 25/09/2023 17:47

He broke your trust. You were sharing a moment together when he suddenly changed the rules.

I would totally feel as though I couldn't trust him.

What a fucking twat he is.

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