Page 3 | To ask you for a great come back?

Hollabackgal · 2023-09-24T23:50:21+00:00

Been dating a guy a while. Been on about 5 dates, slept together a few times. It’s fairly casual. I turned 40 this year and I’ve been really into boundary setting and stating what I want during dating, which is serving me well. He has been a bit on and off with the texting (although very reliable about meeting in person). Twice now I’ve called him out for not replying to messages mid-way through a conversation. I’m travelling at the moment and we were exchanging some fun, adult messages (all consensual and nothing too explicit) and Saturday night he asked for a photo. I very gladly obliged…and I haven’t heard a peep back since. It’s now early hours of Sunday morning and he still hasn’t replied! I’d like to come up with a sensible response for when he does reappear (which he will, I’m sure). That was truly a boundary for me. Not responding to small talk is one thing. Not replying to a half-naked photo though, that he’d requested, midway through a ‘sexting’ conversation, is a real no-go. I don’t want to ignore him, nor do I want to look ‘hysterical’ but in the name of not letting men get away with quite so much shit, I want to point out where he went wrong. Scribes of Mumsnet, hit me with your best responses….

TLDRfuckers · 25/09/2023 08:39

I turned 40 this year and I’ve been really into boundary setting and stating what I want during dating, which is serving me well.

this is so contradictory to the rest of your post

telling off your casual date for not replying to texts soon enough is not setting boundaries

i cannot believe you sent him a pic, now he has not replied again.

instead of wasting energy on a witty reply just block him, work on yourself

Parlourgames · 25/09/2023 08:39

That’s properly crap of him. I’d be so disappointed and hurt. Listen to your feelings on this. They really are valid.

Oblomov23 · 25/09/2023 08:46

He's not for you is he? You know this.

CurlewKate · 25/09/2023 08:48

Don't reply. Move on.

WildFlowerBees · 25/09/2023 08:48

Sorry op it doesn't sound like he's that into whatever you have. I don't have time for games, he'd be dropped, no explanation needed.

jays · 25/09/2023 08:48

I genuinely don’t think any guy needs it explained to him that he shouldn’t leave you on read after you’ve sent a picture to him. I would be explicit when I spoke to him. I’d just say l like you but when you disappear during texting/pics etc it’s something that’s not acceptable to me, it makes me feel (whatever you feel) so either you’ll need to find a way not to do that or we should just use texts purely to make arrangements and stick to face to face meet-ups and phone calls from his on because the text thing isn’t working for me the way it is, what do you think? No point being jokey or witty, just be straight but pleasant. Put the ball in his court, he can either up his game or texts are off the table.

beAsensible1 · 25/09/2023 08:50

“Good to know my boobs can still knock ‘em dead”

”I take it you’re dumbstruck 😏”

Original poster

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 08:52

I'm not big on having to justify myself too much online but I'm also interested in the fact that many of us think about things so differently...

I sent him that photo during a conversation we were having, that led to us talking about (shock-horror!) underwear...and him asking for a photo. We are both consenting, sexually active adults so there was nothing that should shock anyone here.

We'd been chatting the whole day that day and been in constant contact in the few days before, in addition to seeing each other for two really nice dates recently.

So his lack of response as soon as I sent said photo was extremely bloody rude (and inexplicable). It definitely wasn't a hideous photo, nor was it the first time he and I have exchanged something like that. It was just blatant disrespect and rudeness.

And yes, I'd let him off the hook previously for going quiet as they were benefit-of-the-doubt situations, but this definitely isn't.

(I do agree the witty response probably isn't the way forward though, but I am inclined to say something, rather than nothing).

OP posts:

Original poster

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 08:53

Just to clarify, I will not be texting him unless he reappears. I'm just thinking about what I'll say if he does.

OP posts:

Hummingbird233 · 25/09/2023 08:55

What are you aiming to get from messaging him again?

If this is a no-go for you, and it's now over, just tell him straight; "I'm hurt that I trusted you enough to send you a photo and you've not replied since. That makes me feel used. So unfortunately, I don't think this is working for me.". Then block and move on.

The "witty" messages suggested so far aren't particularly funny in my opinion, nor do they communicate what the actual issue is.

Sounds like you're just incompatible.

Hummingbird233 · 25/09/2023 08:56

Be yourself OP. You don't need other women offering replies for you.

Goodornot · 25/09/2023 08:57

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 08:53

Just to clarify, I will not be texting him unless he reappears. I'm just thinking about what I'll say if he does.

What reaction are you looking for? That he'll change his ways and be with you?

That he'll care or be embarrassed?

He won't.

You won't get the reaction you want.

If he texts again ignore.

There is a dignity in silence that no amount of words can convey.

5128gap · 25/09/2023 09:02

OP, you shouldn't dismiss the views of people questioning the wisdom of sending the photos as being prudish/uptight/not as cool about sex as you/pearl clutchers. Not only is that rude and dismissive, but also misses a valuable point.
Sending these sort of photos requires confidence and a thick skin. There are multiple ways it can end up as an unhappy experience and you've encountered just one of them!
I very much doubt there are women on here so much less cool than you that they're shocked at a bra, it's far more likely they're savvy enough to know how often it doesn't go well (like here) and that unless you're a shrug it off person, it might be better to avoid with newish men.

Original poster

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 09:02

Goodornot · 25/09/2023 08:57

What reaction are you looking for? That he'll change his ways and be with you?

That he'll care or be embarrassed?

He won't.

You won't get the reaction you want.

If he texts again ignore.

There is a dignity in silence that no amount of words can convey.

Edited

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Yes, i probably would like him to be embarrassed and apologise!

OP posts:

Goodornot · 25/09/2023 09:04

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 09:02

Yes, i probably would like him to be embarrassed and apologise!

Show quote history

He won't.

You're not going to get the reaction you want from this.

If he messages again, don't reply.

Silence is in itself a response and the most powerful one there is.

Bananaramad · 25/09/2023 09:04

If he does reply I wouldn't respond then block, he's a waste of your time.

PaminaMozart · 25/09/2023 09:05

I agree with @5128gap.

And posting bikini pictures on FB isn't particularly smart either...

Original poster

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 09:07

5128gap · 25/09/2023 09:02

OP, you shouldn't dismiss the views of people questioning the wisdom of sending the photos as being prudish/uptight/not as cool about sex as you/pearl clutchers. Not only is that rude and dismissive, but also misses a valuable point.
Sending these sort of photos requires confidence and a thick skin. There are multiple ways it can end up as an unhappy experience and you've encountered just one of them!
I very much doubt there are women on here so much less cool than you that they're shocked at a bra, it's far more likely they're savvy enough to know how often it doesn't go well (like here) and that unless you're a shrug it off person, it might be better to avoid with newish men.

That assumes I am not body-confident though?

I'm not trying to look like the cool girl or to dismiss anyone's views but I genuinely don't have any thoughts on it other than it being really bloody rude. It's more what it says about his behaviour, that's got me so riled up, not what it says about me/my actions.

It would be the same as someone chatting to me all day about my new house and then asking to see pictures of the wallpaper, and then ignoring them when I sent them. The difference is just that because it's of an adult nature, it makes his behaviour even more disrespectful.

Hand on heart I appreciate everyone has different approaches to this stuff but I have absolutely no regrets or concerns about the photo itself, nor do I feel that it cheapens me in any way to have sent it. I do appreciate everyone is different though and that that is very specific to me.

I do think it shows his true colours, however.

OP posts:

Parlourgames · 25/09/2023 09:08

Boundaries are about deciding what you will put up with. Not about telling others how to behave.

So decide if this lack of response is acceptable to you and then act on it. Yes it’s fine or no, you don’t like how it makes you feel.

Then frankly I’d tell him. I wouldn’t go silent, I find that too passive, I would send a message saying “your lack of response made me feel pretty humiliated. I think we aren’t compatible in communication styles. I wish you well. Ciao.”

Original poster

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 09:13

Parlourgames · 25/09/2023 09:08

Boundaries are about deciding what you will put up with. Not about telling others how to behave.

So decide if this lack of response is acceptable to you and then act on it. Yes it’s fine or no, you don’t like how it makes you feel.

Then frankly I’d tell him. I wouldn’t go silent, I find that too passive, I would send a message saying “your lack of response made me feel pretty humiliated. I think we aren’t compatible in communication styles. I wish you well. Ciao.”

You have hit the nail on the head of what I have been trying to articulate! Yes! Ignoring him feels too passive. Like I've just gone away quietly, all embarrassed.

OP posts:

Goodornot · 25/09/2023 09:14

Parlourgames · 25/09/2023 09:08

Boundaries are about deciding what you will put up with. Not about telling others how to behave.

So decide if this lack of response is acceptable to you and then act on it. Yes it’s fine or no, you don’t like how it makes you feel.

Then frankly I’d tell him. I wouldn’t go silent, I find that too passive, I would send a message saying “your lack of response made me feel pretty humiliated. I think we aren’t compatible in communication styles. I wish you well. Ciao.”

Exactly. The OP seems to think boundaries are schooling this man in how to treat her and calling him out.

That isn't how boundaries work. You can't change someone's behaviour, only your own.

Boundaries are to decide yourself what you'll put up with and if it doesn't work for you, walk away.

I don't agree that silence is passive, it's very powerful as evidenced by the OP losing her shit by this man's silence. It's effective!

I would never speak to him again. But if she must reply it must only be to say I don't think we're right and I'm ending it.

She seems to want a pithy response to reel him back in for another round and for him to be embarrassed and she just won't get what she wants.

MsRosley · 25/09/2023 09:16

You're not dating. You're fuck buddies, and he can take it or leave it.

Harrysarseinthedogbowl · 25/09/2023 09:19

Call me cynical, but my guess is he was with another woman and there was not a convenient opportunity for him to thank you for your photograph.

5128gap · 25/09/2023 09:23

Its nothing to do with how body confident you are OP. The fact you have no concerns about how great you looked in the photo and that you are confident he would agree, isn't the point.
The point is, he has still managed to hurt/anger/disappoint you (call it what you will, a negative emotion has resulted for you) and that's about emotional/mental confidence or resilience. You have offered something of yourself that you expected to be well recieved. It wasnt and that has affected you to the point where rather than just think 'oh well, you win some you lose some..Next!' you want to make a come back.
The point is, you have zero control over how men will behave and how they will respond to your photos. If its going to bother you when they don't respond positively, maybe don't do it until you're more sure of them is all.

LightSpeeds · 25/09/2023 09:31

@Hollabackgal "I don’t want to ignore him, nor do I want to look ‘hysterical’ but in the name of not letting men get away with quite so much shit, I want to point out where he went wrong."

A good way of setting boundaries is by saying "I'm not putting up with this shit".

He doesn't really sound that bothered about you and I think you should be seeing this as the bigger picture (rather than thinking you're empowering yourself somehow by putting up with his shitty behaviour more than once but calling him out on it).