Page 4 | To ask you for a great come back?

Hollabackgal · 2023-09-24T23:50:21+00:00

Been dating a guy a while. Been on about 5 dates, slept together a few times. It’s fairly casual. I turned 40 this year and I’ve been really into boundary setting and stating what I want during dating, which is serving me well. He has been a bit on and off with the texting (although very reliable about meeting in person). Twice now I’ve called him out for not replying to messages mid-way through a conversation. I’m travelling at the moment and we were exchanging some fun, adult messages (all consensual and nothing too explicit) and Saturday night he asked for a photo. I very gladly obliged…and I haven’t heard a peep back since. It’s now early hours of Sunday morning and he still hasn’t replied! I’d like to come up with a sensible response for when he does reappear (which he will, I’m sure). That was truly a boundary for me. Not responding to small talk is one thing. Not replying to a half-naked photo though, that he’d requested, midway through a ‘sexting’ conversation, is a real no-go. I don’t want to ignore him, nor do I want to look ‘hysterical’ but in the name of not letting men get away with quite so much shit, I want to point out where he went wrong. Scribes of Mumsnet, hit me with your best responses….

echt · 25/09/2023 09:33

I would send a message saying “your lack of response made me feel pretty humiliated. I think we aren’t compatible in communication styles. I wish you well. Ciao.”

Please don't do this.

He is not responsible for how you feel, only how he acts
He may well get off on that admission of feeling.

Supercat100 · 25/09/2023 09:38

You obviously have no boundaries if you sent a pic like that to someone you hardly know. Just ignore, delete, move on and have a good think about what boundaries actually are next time.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/09/2023 09:46

Honestly OP, this portraying us as pearl clutchers who've never left their own front room and only have sex with the lights out and our nighties on. It's very tiresome. Nobody gives a shit whether you sent nudes or not. We are neither impressed nor shocked. You certainly didn't invent sex even if you feel like you did 😳

What we are saying is you have perplexing boundaries.

BitOutOfPractice · 25/09/2023 09:49

"I'm not big on having to justify myself too much online"

Tell us you're new here without telling us you're new here?

CacenCaws · 25/09/2023 09:54

He's either got someone else on the go or he's not that interested. Just move on

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 25/09/2023 09:59

I wouldn’t message him again. I just wouldn’t. He asked for a half naked pic, got one then ignored you. What a gentleman. I wouldn’t even bother racking my brains for a witty reply for such a dickhead.

WhateverMate · 25/09/2023 10:00

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 09:02

Yes, i probably would like him to be embarrassed and apologise!

Show quote history

Think about this carefully.

He's a bloke who asked you for an explicit photo, which you dutifully sent and he totally ignored.

Do you really think any kind of apology is going to be sincere and genuine?

If you get one at all, it'll be because he wants sex with you.

Original poster

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 10:02

WhateverMate · 25/09/2023 10:00

Think about this carefully.

He's a bloke who asked you for an explicit photo, which you dutifully sent and he totally ignored.

Do you really think any kind of apology is going to be sincere and genuine?

If you get one at all, it'll be because he wants sex with you.

Show quote history

Sorry, I should’ve clarified…that’s what I’d like! I fully acknowledge i won’t get it (a sincere one, anyway….).

OP posts:

PTSDBarbiegirl · 25/09/2023 10:05

'Just Seventeen' calling......

usernother · 25/09/2023 10:10

Ignoring and blocking isn't passive at all. It's the correct thing to do. Why are you even thinking about this absolute twat. He doesn't deserve any effort at all from you.

bonzaitree · 25/09/2023 10:10

Do you still want to be with him?

birker · 25/09/2023 10:13

So you know an apology is unlikely to be sincere, I'd block and move on.

Texting him anything at all from now on is nothing but attention seeking IMO.

What good can come from another text conversation if you're 100% sure it's over. Unless of course you want him to talk you round.....in which case you're boundaries aren't really that great after all are they?

Original poster

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 10:15

BitOutOfPractice · 25/09/2023 09:46

Honestly OP, this portraying us as pearl clutchers who've never left their own front room and only have sex with the lights out and our nighties on. It's very tiresome. Nobody gives a shit whether you sent nudes or not. We are neither impressed nor shocked. You certainly didn't invent sex even if you feel like you did 😳

What we are saying is you have perplexing boundaries.

That’s not my aim but my concern with some of the responses here is that they subliminally suggest that women should be embarrassed by their sexuality/bodies, or that women are to blame for men’s bad behaviour.

My boundaries are exactly that, MY boundaries, and I was very comfortable to send that photo, in which I was fully covered with underwear. It’s a photo I would be absolutely fine with being shared onwards and therefore it was a low-risk endeavour.

His ignoring it is HIS embarrassment, not mine.

I understand everyone has different comfort levels and different tolerances, but the idea that an adult woman shouldn’t send a photo to another adult that she’s in a sexual relationship with (assuming she is comfortable) or, per the previous poster, not post photos in swimwear on social media, is worrying to me and reeks of internalised misogyny.

Granted there are considerations about professionalism, etc, but this would be up to the individual to decide and based on their personal preferences and situation.

That said, I do agree with everyone who said he’s not worth replying to at all.

OP posts:

MsRosley · 25/09/2023 10:16

PTSDBarbiegirl · 25/09/2023 10:05

'Just Seventeen' calling......

😂

Original poster

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 10:19

bonzaitree · 25/09/2023 10:10

Do you still want to be with him?

The version of him up until this point, absolutely. After this, absolutely not.

OP posts:

C1N1C · 25/09/2023 10:22

At least you lot don't discriminate... you're just as vicious to the ladies seeking help as you are to the men.

To the OP. It doesn't sound like he's particularly serious about you... no need for a reply or any further contact. If he's just a FWB, just say your feelings are hurt.

birker · 25/09/2023 10:24

His ignoring it is HIS embarrassment, not mine.

But he's not embarrassed is he? You don't get to decide whether he's embarrassed or. It and I see little point in you sending a text to shame him when he clearly doesn't care.
You may want him to be embarrassed but if he replied it would be faux shame (either that or he'd be thinking 'lucky escape').

You're the one who is upset by this, despite you protesting that you're not bothered.

I live be the saying "if he wanted to, he would" - aka if he was actually interested he'd reply. It's great you have body confidence and I admire that but the photo clearly didn't have the impact you were hoping for. If he had received it and been massively turned on he'd have replied.

If he does reply says later it's still a like warm response when he's got nothing better to do.

I'd move on with your head held high. As you say you've done nothing wrong and I genuinely admire your confidence but trying to shame him would be flogging a dead horse. Any further discussions with him would show a ack of boundaries

jays · 25/09/2023 10:25

Supercat100 · 25/09/2023 09:38

You obviously have no boundaries if you sent a pic like that to someone you hardly know. Just ignore, delete, move on and have a good think about what boundaries actually are next time.

She’s known him for years. Didn’t you read any of this?

Original poster

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 10:26

birker · 25/09/2023 10:24

His ignoring it is HIS embarrassment, not mine.

But he's not embarrassed is he? You don't get to decide whether he's embarrassed or. It and I see little point in you sending a text to shame him when he clearly doesn't care.
You may want him to be embarrassed but if he replied it would be faux shame (either that or he'd be thinking 'lucky escape').

You're the one who is upset by this, despite you protesting that you're not bothered.

I live be the saying "if he wanted to, he would" - aka if he was actually interested he'd reply. It's great you have body confidence and I admire that but the photo clearly didn't have the impact you were hoping for. If he had received it and been massively turned on he'd have replied.

If he does reply says later it's still a like warm response when he's got nothing better to do.

I'd move on with your head held high. As you say you've done nothing wrong and I genuinely admire your confidence but trying to shame him would be flogging a dead horse. Any further discussions with him would show a ack of boundaries

Fair point. I should have said that the bad behaviour here is his, not mine. Or the person that should be embarrassed by their behaviour is him, not me.

OP posts:

Positive41 · 25/09/2023 10:28

SkiingIsHeaven · 25/09/2023 08:18

Maybe you look so good he's still tonking himself off.

His arm might ache too much to type a response.

This made me laugh!

Goodbyetoauntie · 25/09/2023 10:33

I personally wouldn't send anyone any kind of picture that they would probably be showing to their friends but that is up to you. It's not judgement just wouldn't trust anyone not to use it.

5128gap · 25/09/2023 10:33

Hollabackgal · 25/09/2023 10:15

That’s not my aim but my concern with some of the responses here is that they subliminally suggest that women should be embarrassed by their sexuality/bodies, or that women are to blame for men’s bad behaviour.

My boundaries are exactly that, MY boundaries, and I was very comfortable to send that photo, in which I was fully covered with underwear. It’s a photo I would be absolutely fine with being shared onwards and therefore it was a low-risk endeavour.

His ignoring it is HIS embarrassment, not mine.

I understand everyone has different comfort levels and different tolerances, but the idea that an adult woman shouldn’t send a photo to another adult that she’s in a sexual relationship with (assuming she is comfortable) or, per the previous poster, not post photos in swimwear on social media, is worrying to me and reeks of internalised misogyny.

Granted there are considerations about professionalism, etc, but this would be up to the individual to decide and based on their personal preferences and situation.

That said, I do agree with everyone who said he’s not worth replying to at all.

Edited

Show quote history

Women should not be ashamed of their bodies or their sexuality. Women are not responsible for policing male behaviour.
But if you're going to be taking a feminist stance on this, it can be helpful to reflect on why you find the idea of sending underwear pictures to a man then awaiting his approval and compliments an empowering act.
Where do you think the idea came from that women presenting themselves in a sexualised manner to men is a positive thing for us? Who do you think is giving us that message? Who benefits most from us doing it?
I think its very difficult to answer these questions honestly while still arguing its a feminist act and anyone questioning it is a misogynist.
To be clear, I am not judging you for sending underwear pictures. Merely pointing out that if you're doing that thinking you're empowered, and a more enlightened feminist than those who don't think its a good idea, I'm afraid you've drunk the Kool Aid. Because it's a coincidence isn't it that these things we do to empower ourselves are the exact things men would want us to do if they were oppressing us?

bonzaitree · 25/09/2023 10:38

If you don’t want to be with him then you don’t need a comeback. Just say it’s not working out for you and you wish him well. Job done.

CurlewKate · 25/09/2023 10:39

@5128gap Yep. 100% with you. The 3rd Wave has done us no favours.

Mudflaps · 25/09/2023 10:40

I know you want to 'put him in his place' with a smart comment/text but please just try to forget about him. He sounds very like my ex who would text and have long conversations but he'd turn the subject sexual and as soon as he got that (sexting and/or photos) he'd vanish. Thankfully I never sent him any pictures. He got his kicks and didn't need to put in any more effort.