To ask you for a great come back?

[Hollabackgal]

Been dating a guy a while. Been on about 5 dates, slept together a few times. It’s fairly casual.

I turned 40 this year and I’ve been really into boundary setting and stating what I want during dating, which is serving me well.

He has been a bit on and off with the texting (although very reliable about meeting in person). Twice now I’ve called him out for not replying to messages mid-way through a conversation.

I’m travelling at the moment and we were exchanging some fun, adult messages (all consensual and nothing too explicit) and Saturday night he asked for a photo.

I very gladly obliged…and I haven’t heard a peep back since. It’s now early hours of Sunday morning and he still hasn’t replied!

I’d like to come up with a sensible response for when he does reappear (which he will, I’m sure).

That was truly a boundary for me. Not responding to small talk is one thing. Not replying to a half-naked photo though, that he’d requested, midway through a ‘sexting’ conversation, is a real no-go.

I don’t want to ignore him, nor do I want to look ‘hysterical’ but in the name of not letting men get away with quite so much shit, I want to point out where he went wrong.

Scribes of Mumsnet, hit me with your best responses….

Forgot to quote!

Before I answer this, I just want to say that I don’t mean to be argumentative or confrontational, I just think this is an interesting topic so wanted to pick up on your point.

I’m afraid I disagree. I didn’t say it was empowering (or not…) and I didn’t say that sending the photo was a feminist act. By your logic, couldn’t you say the same about wearing make-up, performing oral sex, cooking someone dinner, or any of the number of things people do as part of a relationship (to whatever degree) to engage with a partner and attract them.

In the absence of that we might as well all be wearing hessian sacks and sitting in silence (which is totally fine if that’s what someone wants to do).

Wanting to impress someone you are sexually/romantically engaged with is surely just nature, and whether you use your intellect, body or other skills to do that, you are within your rights to do so as long as you are consenting and comfortable?

To add, I also don’t have any issue with being viewed in a sexualised manner (I certainly look at men that way), as long as I can also be viewed as intelligent, successful, worthy of respect and a good human.

My issue is with the idea that if you are ‘sexy’, you are not the other things too.

This. absolutely this. I've only got up to this message but i was thinking it all the way through when the op completely missed the point posters were trying to make.

I really haven’t missed the point.

The best comparison I can give is if I had a friend that I always went shopping with…and one day I went shopping without her and we chatted all day long about the shopping, and she urged me to send her pictures of the dress I’d bought….and then she never replied again.

I wouldn’t be a fool for having sent her the photo of the dress. She’d shown interest in the dress, we had been shopping many times together before and she’d asked to see the dress. She’d just be really rude for ignoring the photo once I sent it.

(Shopping alone isn’t a metaphor for sex, incidentally, it’s just the best analogy I could come up with)

I do understand the point that is being made, but it assumes I didn’t assess the situation before I sent the photo. I did, and I had no reason (that I saw…) not to send it.

You need to grow up op, you sound very immature.

On what basis, exactly?

Christ OP, MN is a tough place sometimes. The range of responses which basically imply you’re some desperate, immature harlot who is probably ugly anyway and with too much time on your hands is really sad.

I get it. This man showed you loads of interest and at the crucial time when you want him to come back with a hundred compliments and keep the chemistry going, he goes quiet. So you feel a bit silly, a bit insulted and basically want to know the best way of pulling him back in to it without sounding desperate.

Any man who makes you feel like that just isn’t worth it. At a very base level, it’s rude. He doesn’t owe you anything but you wouldn’t stand for that if it was a friend.

Id wait until he responds, then let him chase you, then tell him that you don’t think things will work out. Don’t go for sassy comebacks.

I'm afraid you're not understanding this at all op.

You keep banging on about how awesome you look and how confident you are with it. And how sending a photo isn't a boundary for you. That's marvellous.

The point people are kindly trying to make to you, and you're not getting, is your reaction to being ignored. You're not happy with it are you? You're not doing a happy dance cos he ignored you photo. You're hurt.

So posters are trying to say - if you are going to be potentially upset at a recipient's potential response, or lack thereof, don't send the photo!!

It's completely irrelevant if you think you look good in it.

I wouldn't massage him again, it just looks like you're desperate for a response, any response. If he ever does reply just message back 'oh sorry I've moved on as this didn't seem to be going anywhere'. Then block.

Also, sending 'you're quiet' is cringe and pointless. There are two reasons to be quiet - one is that you're busy, the other is that you're not interested. Neither situation is improved by sending such a message.

My point about how I look is related to not caring if he shares them onwards (he won’t, but that would be some people’s concern) and that I don’t feel insecure that he’s repulsed by the photos.

I am absolutely annoyed at being ignored, yes. Without a doubt. I think the situation has brought to light what an absolute dick he is.

What I am not doing, however, is beating myself up for sending the photo. The photo is really just the red herring, because it’s the thing that’s drawn out what an arse hole he is.

I would not say this. I’ve previously said “you’ve been quiet” when he’s reappeared after a period of not texting.

you sent photos to garner compliments and didn’t get any. He is ok to ignore you, after requesting such photos, therefore he is not attentive. Do you need an attentive response?

Yes. I suppose so. If a man asks for a photo like that and I send it (again, assuming I am comfortable) then I am someone who would expect a response. Correct.

I don’t think OP sounds immature or needs to grow up, what makes you say that?

surely any response isn’t up much to ask for? If I’d h as my haircut and my friend asked me to send a pic and I did so, it would be pretty strange to me if she didn’t respond at all! It’s almost like many of these replies are trying to make OP feel weird or needy for expecting and wanting a normal interaction. Of course OP wanted a response! Why wouldn’t you!

How about "I can only presume that my picture stunned you into a heart attack or coma. I've been known to have this affect on people. Enjoy....next"

I get your annoyance, OP. But I agree with other posters here too.
He is clearly a dick, but it’s probably best to not use a revealing photo to flush out that truth. If I was in your position - but I wouldn’t be because I wouldn’t send naked photos to someone I barely know (not judgement, just my position) - I would take this as a lesson about having more boundaries in the future.
You don’t need to feel embarrassed by the photo, but perhaps be a bit more selective.
Move on and don’t look back. The right person is out there.

If your friend hadn't commented on the dress you'd discussed, I'll hazard a guess you'd not be on MN looking for ways to end the friendship/establish boundaries. I'd even go as far to suggest that if the man in question had failed to reply to a message about a dress you wouldn't either.
This has upset and annoyed you to this extent because of what it was he ignored. Which is entirely understandable. It doesn't matter how much you like your own body, offering it up for approval (which is what you objectively did) makes you vulnerable in a way chatting about dresses or wallpaper doesn't.
Its entirely up to you if going forward you decide you will protect yourself from this particular level of hurt by not sending pictures until yiur more certain of the recipient, or whether you'll keep your fingers crossed that the next man reacts in a less hurtful way.
You did nothing objectively wrong, but there's a possibility you did something wrong for you. Establishing boundaries is only partly about the behaviour you'll accept from others. Its also about recognising you can't control reactions, and so establishing boundaries for yourself about how much of yourself to give when there's no guarantee it will yield the response you want.

I don’t doubt you’re in great shape and look good - why else would you have sent the pic?!

But - you sent the pic and got ignored. This has, rightly, ended up being deal-breaker territory.

Send whatever pics to whomever you want - fill your boots.

But keep yourself safe online, is all I’m saying.

Luckily it’s not more revealing. Because it’s now in the hands of someone who’s not in your life anymore, and owes you nothing.

Crikey but there's some judgemental people on here. Well done for sticking up for yourself against them!

I don't think I'd respond to him though. I do agree, the silence is far more powerful than a pithy response. He'll be left looking back at that photo as your last interaction and regretting the day he f*cked up and didn't get to see you in person ever again.

I struggle to see why people can't understand that some women enjoy sending and receiving these photos and that you aren't doing anything you didn't want to do. Your request was for how people would respond in your position, you didn't at any point request they sent their judgemental thoughts about why you shouldn't have done it in the first place.

I'm sure you will move on to someone who values you in the positive way you value yourself and that will be your revenge!

Yeah don't do this. How cringe.

You seem to be wanting a traditional courtship with him putting a lot of effort in, but also to be a free spirit who sends racy photographs on demand. I'm not saying either approach is wrong, but maybe pick a lane and stay in it.

Next time he messages you don't open it.
He is aware he is being a dick and you are not his teacher, move on.