To ask you for a great come back?

[Hollabackgal]

Been dating a guy a while. Been on about 5 dates, slept together a few times. It’s fairly casual.

I turned 40 this year and I’ve been really into boundary setting and stating what I want during dating, which is serving me well.

He has been a bit on and off with the texting (although very reliable about meeting in person). Twice now I’ve called him out for not replying to messages mid-way through a conversation.

I’m travelling at the moment and we were exchanging some fun, adult messages (all consensual and nothing too explicit) and Saturday night he asked for a photo.

I very gladly obliged…and I haven’t heard a peep back since. It’s now early hours of Sunday morning and he still hasn’t replied!

I’d like to come up with a sensible response for when he does reappear (which he will, I’m sure).

That was truly a boundary for me. Not responding to small talk is one thing. Not replying to a half-naked photo though, that he’d requested, midway through a ‘sexting’ conversation, is a real no-go.

I don’t want to ignore him, nor do I want to look ‘hysterical’ but in the name of not letting men get away with quite so much shit, I want to point out where he went wrong.

Scribes of Mumsnet, hit me with your best responses….

This 😂

Honestly a “witty” comeback will just make you look a bit desperate. Far better to just ignore and never speak to him again.

I'm not 'pearl clutching' but you obviously made yourself, and feel, vulnerable by putting a pic out there, and didn't get any response.

You talk a lot of talk about setting boundaries but really, you sound like you've had to set a LOT of boundaries with one guy so early on.

Five dates and casual and you're already 'calling him out'.

It seems to me he's pushing back on those boundaries and choosing a time when you've put yourself out there for a reason.

There comes a point where you're trying to force someone to fit in with your 'boundaries' rather than just accept you're not compatible.

If it were me, I’d ask why he didn’t reply. He’ll probably say he fell asleep. Then I’d reply that he clearly wasn’t bothered about the pic so you won’t be sending anymore. And mean it.

You have very strange, mixed boundaries!

I too would bin you off for “pulling me up” about my speed of texting after 5 casual dates. And i would find the “strict boundaries but here’s a nude” also a bit bewildering.

after 5 casual dates and, I assume, no exclusivity chat, I think you need to accept he’s not at your beck and call and, I’d guess, not that into you.

Forget a witty retort and move on if he’s not ticking all your boxes.

This is the reason why women and girls are discouraged from sending pics like this to people they barely know. It feels like shit when the man turns out to be a shit.
It's not pearl clutching but just self preservation.

1. delete his number and put him in the 🗑️
2. raise your bar higher in future
3. it shouldn’t be this hard
4. don’t use some of these cringy, lame ass ‘come backs’. They ain’t cool.

Where on earth did I say how long I've known this man? I've actually known him years! I've just only been dating him a few months.

And yes, I did indeed send a man a photo of my bra. He's already seen my bra many times so I can't imagine he was too shocked. If he decides to turn on me and send people the photo of my bra, I imagine they'll say 'oh look, Hollabackgal is wearing a bra'.

And re boundaries - the last couple of times I've just pointed out that he'd been very quiet previously. I wasn't hugely bothered either time but I wanted to make sure he knew it didn't go unnoticed. He's been quite reliable in general otherwise.

This time round though was more specifically blatantly rude, which is why I am drawing the line here (assuming he hasn't been hit by a bus), but I thought perhaps Mumsnet had a fun one-liner (or just something more serious but to-the-point) to shoot him, when he makes his inevitable return.

He's not that into you apart from meeting for sex. You are compartmentalised in his life. No way would I send naked photos to a near random stranger either

I love this kind of sweeping assumption on mumsnet. I literally could not be less hard work. I've said "you've been quiet" when he's disappeared for long periods of time before, but as a 40 something man, I think he'll probably survive.

You said you want to ‚tell him where he went wrong‘. Why? It’s not your job to teach him good manners and also educating men in anything never goes down well.
Just block his ass

Now this is why I posted!

Please tell us the photo didn’t include your face.

It didn't, but if it had it wouldn't bother me in the least. I'm in nice underwear, in great shape and there are photos on my social media wearing far skimpier bikinis. I have absolutely nothing to be ashamed/worried about.

Maybe you look so good he's still tonking himself off.

His arm might ache too much to type a response.

What do you want to achieve? To end it with him over this, or to tell him you expect more enthusiasm in future?
If the first "Sorry, I don't think this is for me. I'm used to some enthusiasm from the men I date and the lack of response to my photo isn't the sort of thing I'm looking for"
If the second "I'd have expected a response to the photo you asked for..." then take it from there.
Personally I don't think witty come backs, hints, sulky silence, huffy 'blocking on everything' or going round the houses is helpful.
Too much room for messing about and misunderstanding. Say what you mean loud and clear. In relationships honest communication of your expectations is important to success.

Well that’s all very different to what you said in your op. Ok, whatever.

Gary 😂😂 do this !

He has been a bit on and off with the texting (although very reliable about meeting in person). Twice now I’ve called him out for not replying to messages mid-way through a conversation.

He's reliable about meeting you and that's the main thing. Perhaps he just isn't a texter. I'm not sure why you'd pull him up on not texting if he's meeting you.

Scribes of Mumsnet, hit me with your best responses….

There's nothing to respond to seeing as he hasn't texted you back.

which part? 🤔

I completely agree.

The "witty comeback" never comes across as chilled out, it says you are hurt or bothered by something but don't trust someone enough to be honest about that vulnerability with them and then you both end up playing mind games.

I think it's time to call it a day. If you have asserted your boundaries and he's not responding to that then he never will and boundaries aren't actually boundaries if you don't enforce them, they just becoming negotiating tools in a power struggle.
I'd be very straight forward and honest with him, call it a day and tell him why.

The first time round it was just a lengthy absence (right when we first met so I can't remember the details). Second time round we were in the middle of discussing something topical that he'd initiated, when he stopped replying. Then when he reappeared and made no reference to it, I just pointed out it was odd.

This time though feels just really really rude given the nature of the conversation. I can't put up with that behaviour. It's a shame to cut it off with him as I quite enjoy his company, but utter disrespect like that is a no-go.

People can only respond to the information you initially provide. Sending comebacks to someone’s silence isn’t a good boundary. His silence is communication - it’s probably time to move on from him regardless of how long you’ve known him.

Because this sort of behaviour is understandable in an insecure teenager, less so in a grown woman.