How we present ourselves determines how we are treated?

[AgneathaForest]

It is a well known concept, but interesting to see how it works in real life.

I have a friend who typically wears rather plain but well made clothes, has long hair which she always twists back into a neat french twist. She is average height and good looking. She recently told me that after having her hair cut into a contemporary style she has noticed a swift change in how people respond to her when out and about (shopping, bank, restaurants etc).
According to her, she is treated with less respect generally, compared to her old look. I thought this was really fascinating!

I also noticed that when I am fully togged up in rain wear with my hood up and waterproof boots on (so that most of me is hidden), people are much less likely to slow down and allow me to cross a road, or hold a door open and so on. In ordinary clothes (say a summer dress for example) I have observed cars slow to let me cross far more often than when I am accompanied by DP.

I think we barely realise this in everyday life, how society will make quick, unconscious judgements about us from our surface appearance, often before we can even open our mouths. When I am mostly visible with hair loose, people are noticeably friendlier and more accommodating. And I am presuming it is different for all of us, considering looks, age, gender, etc, but it does stand.

My friend thinks that previously people considered her to be wealthier or of a higher status due to her hair and clothes. I was very young looking in my 20's and was definitely treated as if I was a teen, frustratingly.

Anyone have any other examples of this?

Just want to add that I am thinking of how we 'choose' to present ourselves rather than things we can't change, such as age, eye colour, skin tone. Obviously judgements made about these things are more troubling and a different kettle of fish to my OP!

Yes, I think it’s true. I have always noticed this, especially in shops. When I have my work clothes on I get a lot more smiley attention and help.

It’s the Pretty Woman effect I guess.

(Unfortunately I do not look like Julia Roberts).

I'm not denying this happens, but I've never really noticed it in relation to myself tbh. Maybe I'm just not very sensitive to these things! I'm a very ordinary-looking 51 year-old woman, not especially well-groomed. I generally find people pretty friendly and accommodating, and I don't really think that changes according to how well-dressed I am or how good my hair looks (it's shortish, very fine and looks a mess in a slight breeze!).

When I run wearing shorts, men will let me cross the road, say hello and generally make room on the footpath. Run in leggings and none of these things happened. Sad but true.

Have noticed this for years, so know it’s not an age thing.

even in my 20’s if I wanted to be invisible I just wouldn’t put on make up.

clothing makes massive difference too- work clothes really make people behave more respectfully towards you

Yes to a good degree.

But unless your friend has shaved her head or died it pink, I think she may just be a bit self conscious.

I'm not sure, she is a fairly comfortable person. She did wear the twist for many years, and her new style is much 'younger' and contemporary with a slight wave. It is still long, just more loose.

If I'm going to the doctors I wear my work clothes. Even on my day off. I get treated more respectfully, and get asked more about what I think is wrong, when in a tailored shirt and trousers than jeans and a hoody.

Get less of the "oh, you're old, fat and menopausal, what do you expect" vibe.

As for men, I noticed they gave me more attention (looking my way, making way for me, etc) when wearing either skinny jeans or knee length and shorter skirts.

I was literally invisible in those long flowery frocks that are everywhere now

I dyed my hair blond many years ago and the difference in the way men treated me shocked me. I never expected hair colour to make such a difference to the amount of attention I got.

The clothes DO make the woman, unfortunately.

I noticed it the first time when young, and I went to a “naice” bar in a new tailored blazer, trousers, smart shoes… it was the first time I had worn such clobber. It was extraordinary the assumptions people made about me… this still happens now… last few times, it was assuming I was privately educated.

Sometimes being smartly dressed or particularly well groomed causes poor treatment in some quarters, although this happens less often.

The sweet spot seems to be being somewhere in the middle of scruff v super smart.

But you sound as if what you’re actually saying is ‘Women who work harder to present themselves in ways considered conventionally attractive/feminine are treated better.’

@BeyondMyWits, my GP is as skinny as a greyhound, but exactly my age, and exactly as menopausal, and as she’s usually wearing scrubs, a ponytail and no makeup, I probably look glossier than her on an average visit.

It’s fascinating isn’t it? I’ve noticed that doctors listen to you more if you’re well dressed.

this has been especially true when taking kids to A&E / docs. Definitely felt I’ve been taken more seriously when I’ve had work clothes on and not scruffy jeans and jumper.

I don’t think it’s restricted to women, and I’m aware of doing it myself. I’m always instantly wary of young men dressed in black tracksuit bottoms, trainers and hoodies, even though I know that’s what about 98% of teenagers wear all the time, and all it signifies is that they’re trying to blend in. But before I have that conscious thought, my subconscious says “up to no good”. We’re basically creatures of instinct for our own survival, and appearance is a form of communication.

I noticed this when I lost a lot of weight very quickly. I'd always been overweight and suddenly being quite slim made me feel suddenly visible. It was insane. It wasn't just from men either, everyone was just smilier and nicer. It doesn't say great things about humans does it.

I think it applies to everyone, young or old, male of female, yes.

I have never noticed anything relating to Drs though! That is interesting. Surely a GP ought to be non judgmental, and conscious of it, much in the same way as a counsellor?

Surely the waterproofs one makes sense. If it's raining and someone isn't dressed for it I will always try and stop for them because they are getting soaked.

I've not really noticed being treated differently based on my presentation but people assume I am younger and less experienced than I am at work and they always treat me with a little more respect when they learn my real age, students especially.

I think accent helps too, unfortunately. I don't dress smartly, but I notice (especially in medical settings) how attitudes to me shift when I start speaking, because I sound upper middle class and confident.

I worry about your doctor's surgery, in that case.

I could turn up wearing a clown outfit and plastic red nose at my GP and they wouldn't treat me any differently than if I was in tailored work gear.

A GP should be consistent and unbiased. The quality of care you receive should never be conditional on how 'together' their patients are.

We are a multi-vehicle family. Titchy hatchback, medium-sized Ford and a white van. I drive all of them from time to time, and my driving does not change.

The difference in how I'm treated by other road users is astonishing.

I went to the supermarket on Saturday after a tip run, dressed in black t shirt and black harem pants for comfort, with trainers. But I had lipstick on. I found a missing bright orange lipstick in the morning so put it on as I was glad to see it again. I found more people smiling/interacting with me

yep. very true. in my experience more the case for women than men.

I started wearing a hijab around 2003 and noticed a marked change in how people treat me at home and abroad. more of a problem is how things have gotten much worse over the years and especially since 2016 referendum. however I find most people soon change their tune if approached with a friendly smile and confident conversation.

I dont give two monkeys about what I wear and just wear mainly plain dresses and often get treated dismissively but when I feel like 'dressing up' suddenly it all shifts. I've had a number of incidents where security at hotels I have been staying at have not believed I am staying there and denied me entry, been interrogated on approaching premier lanes when flying, been told by other passengers and staff that this (first class) 'carriage is not for me' when travelling by train, been given dirty looks when going to nicer hotels for lunch. even my apparently well rated and stupidly expensive movers were incredibly rude. just to add I always follow any dress codes and wear clean/presentable clothes, so not scruffy. just no designer logos/flashy stuff or expensive brands and no make up.

I usually deal with it by being charming, leaving a massive tip and hope this somehow chips away at their bigotry/misogyny/whatever other negativity they are harbouring.

When we swapped our Honda Jazz for a 4x4, other drivers instantly started treating me differently. Same driving style from me, but people would give way to me a lot more. Really spooked me at first.

I am curious how people see me, now!
I wear fairly 'neutral' clothes, no patterns, and wear my hair swept back in a claw clip. I have previously been asked whether I am from London or Australia (!!) although was born and bred in the north west.

Accent is an obvious one, again mine is fairly neutral (not very regional) with a mild flat A in the northern 'bath'. I can't honestly say that I have ever felt judged by it outwardly, but who knows.
Curiously my older sister adopted a thicker, more regional accent only after marriage. Sadly people do treat her differently than when she was younger and spoke less 'regionally'.

Crikey that's awful.
I used to work with a fairly wealthy Turkish lady who had previously been a physicist in Canada. She told me similar stories having lived in Bristol - she was often presumed to be cleaning staff and couldn't be placed by her accent.