How we present ourselves determines how we are treated?

[AgneathaForest]

It is a well known concept, but interesting to see how it works in real life.

I have a friend who typically wears rather plain but well made clothes, has long hair which she always twists back into a neat french twist. She is average height and good looking. She recently told me that after having her hair cut into a contemporary style she has noticed a swift change in how people respond to her when out and about (shopping, bank, restaurants etc).
According to her, she is treated with less respect generally, compared to her old look. I thought this was really fascinating!

I also noticed that when I am fully togged up in rain wear with my hood up and waterproof boots on (so that most of me is hidden), people are much less likely to slow down and allow me to cross a road, or hold a door open and so on. In ordinary clothes (say a summer dress for example) I have observed cars slow to let me cross far more often than when I am accompanied by DP.

I think we barely realise this in everyday life, how society will make quick, unconscious judgements about us from our surface appearance, often before we can even open our mouths. When I am mostly visible with hair loose, people are noticeably friendlier and more accommodating. And I am presuming it is different for all of us, considering looks, age, gender, etc, but it does stand.

My friend thinks that previously people considered her to be wealthier or of a higher status due to her hair and clothes. I was very young looking in my 20's and was definitely treated as if I was a teen, frustratingly.

Anyone have any other examples of this?

@AgneathaForest the North South accent discrimination goes both ways though lol

Yes! I read a Guardian article about it a few weeks ago, a lot of presumptions both ways. Children in particular got the brunt of it at a new school.

I notice this 100% in both extremes.

I tend to dress quite simply now, and often have my hair is pulled back and no makeup on, and probably look quite plain as well as ‘foreign’ and younger than I am. I’ve recently had a sales assistant say ‘you have to pay for that’ as I was handing her an item to pay! Also another sales assistant say ‘the non branded items are this way’. Quite shocking!

However I also occasionally were nice dresses/businesswear, makeup and hair done. I speak well with an antipodean accent. I get treated totally differently by service staff and strangers generally.

I'm currently driving an Audi RS4 (not my choice, not interested in cars) and I'm treated totally different on the road but mostly by men, compared to when I drove a Vauxhall Astra.

Yes, this is my experience! There are outfits I've given up wearing because every time I put them on, someone will jump in front of me in a queue, barge into me and so on. The same locations at the same times in something black and slightly businesslike, no such trouble.

I realised this long ago. I dress well for most occasions unless I am truly slobbing around the house

Can it go the other way too? So I tend to dress smartly a lot, but I’m now living rurally and the other mums wear leggings or jodhpurs and riding boots etc. They look lovely and well put together but I’ve definitely felt looked down on for wearing smart clothes.

About 40 years ago I had a grey mac which I liked because my long glossy brown hair really showed up against it. Unfortunately, it made me completely invisible to shop assistants so I stopped wearing it.

I imagine they're regarding you as a "townie", ie the lowest of the low.

I travelled alone quite a lot when I was younger, and had a relatively hippyish look.

When I was planning a more difficult outing, or section of a journey, where I knew I might need to ask for help or directions from people, then I would make myself look more conventional, right down to changing my nail polish colour. Because people are more likely to help you that way.

The world has gone very casual these days but when I first started my job about 15 years ago, I had to go in smart office dress everyday. Without a doubt, I got better and far more polite and attentive service in shops and restaurants when I was dressed formally than the way I dress for work now (smart casual).

Is it because if you're in plain clothes etc you blend into the background a bit but if your wearing a bright colour or something that stands out even bright lipstick it might made a person top a second and notice.

Bit like in the matrix movie everyone in black then you the woman in red walking through, who do you notice more...obviously the person in red.

This doen't just mean colour but if everyone is wearing similar clothes e.g. everyone in leggings or trousers and then someone comes long in shorts... same effect it stands out

This is all absolutely true but I think projecting a sense of confidence and entitlement to be there trumps all of this. Act like you belong and you will be treated as such, regardless of what you are wearing. I’m afraid to say being white, male and having the right accent also trump what you are wearing.

Clothing can help this in part because it helps people feel more confident but it’s largely a prop and if you don’t have the confidence to style it out you can end up looking like a child dressing up in mum’s clothes.

My son is 20, has a like for certain expensive things - watches, trainers, all of which he buys himself. His other clothes are often second hand, or come from Next or Costco. But he pieces his look together well, but never without a baseball cap. He recently went into Ralph Lauren to buy a sweater he'd been wanting. Staff fell over themselves and one gave him their staff discount. I think the fact he knows what he likes comes across

I’m afraid to say being white, male and having the right accent also trump what you are wearing

Probably true of my son. We live in a city with a strong local accent which my son has never acquired, he's generic northern. He's also tall, I think that helps

I’ve noticed this. If I wear a skirt I will get doors held open for me. When I have blonde hair, shop assistants are more helpful and friendly than when I have dark hair. Dressing up gets better service and interactions with the general public.

It’s getting less noticeable now that I’m getting towards 50 and I feel just ignored in general!

We moved to a house on a road with retired middle class professionals. We are mid 30s but both look young for our ages. Both work from home so dress sloppily most of the time. They all looked horrified and ignored us if they could. We bought from a retired middle class couple who tended their gardens diligently. When we got our back garden done they all came out of the woodwork. Now they all love us now they know we both work, have a family, encourage wildlife, take pride in our home etc etc. I reckon if we didn't work from home and they saw us drive home every night in the stuff we wear when we occasionally do venture into our respective offices they wouldn't have been so hard to crack.

Yep. I put make-up on and people will talk to me and make eye contact, when I don't bother with the slap well then I just become invisible.

I have noticed this at my local (small – not a big chain) supermarket. If I am neat and smart, dressed in work clothes, the staff are friendlier and more respectful than in the past when I’ve gone in in jeans/joggers, with natural wavy hair (not blow dried), etc.

Let's add accent into the mix! I live in Denmark and have actually given up speaking Danish to drs. If you pause for half a fucking second to find the right word then you (and your children) just get dismissed. When I speak my mother tongue they suddenly pay attention to me because funnily enough I'm more articulate in English. Can only imagine how much worse it is for ethnic minorities and people whose mother tongue isn't understood by 95% of the population.

100%

Having been slim and obese the difference is staggering.

There is research that shows women's wages are linked to their weight

I'm not sure if I have noticed this. When younger, I'd get noticeably more attention/ discounts/ help from men if I looked more attractive ie make up on, hair done.
But don't think I've noticed any difference in how women treat me, or people like doctors/ teachers etc. I generally dress down, minimal make up, natural hair. Occasionally dress smartly for work but don't see a difference. Maybe I'm just unobserved!

I used to have a dress I called my “magic” dress in my early 20s because when I wore it men always fell over themselves to help me. I used to wear it getting the train home from uni so that I was nearly guaranteed to have someone carry my suitcase up the stairs. Interestingly it wasn’t at all “sexy”, it was quite innocent and youthful- white with a fairly pouffy skirt and a big bow at the back. Damsel in distress vibes I guess?

Barely anyone carried my suitcase when I wore jeans!

Wow. Previously I have been called posh. Very mild plain accent and always dressed up. However I agree, I am an outsider. Maybe I need to wear country clothes? I do when cleaning out chickens.. but when I’m out and about, I’m wearing my usual clothes.

I wouldn't suggest changing my appearance to suit a community or neighbourhood, that might be difficult to keep up and lead to long term resentment.
Altering our look to pass through transient situations can work well though, depending how we feel about it. I honestly don't think I would want to live somewhere where people singled out, or commented on my clothing. I haven't experienced that though, and could only excuse it if the climate demanded a change!