How we present ourselves determines how we are treated?

[AgneathaForest]

It is a well known concept, but interesting to see how it works in real life.

I have a friend who typically wears rather plain but well made clothes, has long hair which she always twists back into a neat french twist. She is average height and good looking. She recently told me that after having her hair cut into a contemporary style she has noticed a swift change in how people respond to her when out and about (shopping, bank, restaurants etc).
According to her, she is treated with less respect generally, compared to her old look. I thought this was really fascinating!

I also noticed that when I am fully togged up in rain wear with my hood up and waterproof boots on (so that most of me is hidden), people are much less likely to slow down and allow me to cross a road, or hold a door open and so on. In ordinary clothes (say a summer dress for example) I have observed cars slow to let me cross far more often than when I am accompanied by DP.

I think we barely realise this in everyday life, how society will make quick, unconscious judgements about us from our surface appearance, often before we can even open our mouths. When I am mostly visible with hair loose, people are noticeably friendlier and more accommodating. And I am presuming it is different for all of us, considering looks, age, gender, etc, but it does stand.

My friend thinks that previously people considered her to be wealthier or of a higher status due to her hair and clothes. I was very young looking in my 20's and was definitely treated as if I was a teen, frustratingly.

Anyone have any other examples of this?

I realised in my 20s that there was no point in going shopping on Oxford Street without full slap on. You simply wouldn’t get served. Interestingly, now that I’m middle aged, women the same age as me do notice me in shops. To everyone else I don’t exist.

Yes, Selfridges were terrible. I went without make up so I could try some on, in a sundress, and the make-up lady didn’t want to know.

I can't say I have felt anyone treats me personally differently on how I dress/am or whatever but I feel I probably treat people who have chips on their shoulders or who come across as 'normal', or are smarmy or rude or have this aura of self importance differently

So I probably react to how they are to me, they may receive a different reaction to someone else

Yes, definitely. I dress a bit depending on how sociable I'm feeling. So if I'm feeling super sociable, I wash my hair, 2 mins makeup and wear nicer clothes on the school run. Everyone smiles and chats to me. If I can't be bothered that day, I deliberately don't and wear jeans, hoodie, trainers and find even if I look for a chat I get barely any response. I realise these days from the "you look amazing" comments that I don't do the holy trio of washing hair, putting make up on (literally concealer, mascara, blush) and wearing "nicer" clothes very often (by this, I mean clothes that fit and not too big).

I'm considered attractive i'd say, though these days, not in a debelitating way. I n my teens and 20s, I often deliberately dressed down to stop older men hitting on me in every day life. I found it way too much. No longer such an issue and I do like that!

I'm sure many can relate here, how quick people are to smile, chat let you cross the road, open doors for you etc when you're pregnant... whether you look horrendous or not. I always find that fascinating. I guess some immediately feel a caring instinct?

I always go to see medical professionals looking "well-cared" for if its a long-term condition. I think it's taken more seriously. Also, if I was vomiting every few minutes for a few days, I wouldn't bother breaking myself showering etc before seeing a doctor, because it kinda illustrates the issue. So yep, appearance is important. Even if it's just a confidence thing and a smile.

I first noticed this age 11. Every school in the town had a gray uniform, except the RC girls' school, ours was navy.

Men are really pervy when it comes to 'catholic girls'.

Later riding a motorbike around London, that confused people, they would see the black leather, then I would take my helmet off and suddenly I'm a short blond woman.

Red hair got me different attention.

What I do notice though is the genuinely posh places don't judge you.

The kind of shops with a buzzer on the door treat you beautifully no matter how you are dressed.

Even when you say, "I'll never be able to afford it but could I try on that Patek Phillipe watch". As PP watches go it was a cheapy, only £7K. It is the most expensive thing I have ever had on my wrist.

Only rarely. And it's on them.
I don't have many data I suppose, because never change my look.

I am a right scruff bag.
New in job, I was introduced to someone at work who I already knew was a greasy pole climber and possibly a total lech. He looked me up & down and visually dismissed me.

it was so obvious & so funny I laughed my head off, telling colleague the story. I didn't think much of him, anyway.

Few yrs later, I've got loads of accolades at work for various things. Greasy pole was suddenly friendly. Yeah yeah. Still amused. His reputation hasn't improved.

I'm covered in tattoos and can't say that I feel I get worse treatment than anyone else, although maybe I'm just thick skinned!

The only difference I've noticed is if my hair is up or not. I find more men flirt with me when my hair is tied up than when it's down. Otherwise I get treated the same no matter what I wear.

It must be an issue worldwide. Otherwise Unconscious Bias training wouldn't exist

(and I've had to do it in Germany, UK and Norway as part of various jobs!)

Accent makes a difference too, I'm from East London and live in Essex so everyone assumes I'm thick and/or promiscuous. Just through uni and work etc my accent has neutralised and is much closer to RP. I can still switch back easily and do unconsciously when I go 'home' , the difference in how people treat me is astonishing

I've only just come across this thread and couldn't agree more. I'm not white and on non-working days, I look like a scrubber and get treated like one. On my working days, I get a lot more positive attention and smiles. Sadly, weight plays a part in how you're treated by others too- I gained a lot of weight after having DC and found other (slimmer) mums wouldn't talk to me as such. When I lost weight, these same mums would smile at me. Bitches! It really got to me at the time but I suppose people only want to associate with others who're like them or who they aspire to be so... I'm okay with that now.

Same. I highly doubt what I’m wearing has any basis on how I’m treated by my GP.

It does get noticed. I've had several referrals over the years that have said "this well presented lady..." or similar. It's an indication (to them) of your mental wellbeing

A friend of mine did a uni project years ago (mature student). She asked permission to use photos of friends so others on the course could try to determine what they could about us from our appearance alone. The one of me was in general everyday clothes. Apparently everyone thought I was a stay at home mum. At the time I wasn't even a parent, and I had (still do) a skilled, professional career. Although I'm now a mum, I've never been a SAHM, I've always worked full time and my career has gone onwards and upwards, I just don't dress like a typical 'career woman', whatever that looks like.
(No judgement on SAHM's, it's a choice I'm not in a position to make, despite apparently wearing the 'uniform' )

It was really interesting to see how people judge others on appearance alone.

I totally find this too and often switch accents, usually unconsciously. But weird when my social groups mix on occasions.

When I was 19 I bleached my hair blonde. Never had so much male attention in my life as I did when I was blonde.

I have a regional accent but I learnt to drop it a long time ago whenever I'm at the GP's or hospital

Sorry, I realised too late that that was rather a cruel post of mine. But yes, if you want to accelerate the process of not being an outsider, wearing the uniform might be something to consider.

There again, I live in a small town with a stable population. One of the "my family has lived here for generations" residents said to me "of course, he's not a local man, he's from Next Town" - Next Town being so intermeshed that there are arguments about where the boundary actually is. And after 30 years of living here and being active in local life, someone on the community facebook page, who's done voluntary work with me for 20+ years, posted "Dint isn't a local woman".

Sounds like Cornwall

wow 😯

I've had several referrals over the years that have said "this well presented lady..." or similar.

Dd’s have had various SEN related assessments over the years and it always perplexed me why they’d refer to how they are presented. It implies if you’re well turned out, clean and presentable you can’t be struggling, which in my mind is completely ridiculous.

Maybe. But when you're my age (70+) it makes sense to pay some attention to look at least tidy and appropriately dressed else someone will raise the question of dementia.

Why is this even a surprise?

If clothes didn't make all that a difference then what is this multi billion $ global textile/retail industry all about?

I find I get treated differently according to my confidence levels. If I don’t feel good and want to feel a bit invisible I feel like I’m treated accordingly. Days when I feel more confident and happier I find I get more interaction from strangers etc. I think clothes can make you feel more/less confident themselves, so I think it’s less about what a person is wearing and more about how the person feels wearing the clothes/new style IYSWIM.

The largest pharmacy in town falls over themselves to serve you at the beauty counter when you’re dressed up/looking well, they look over you otherwise. It’s the reason I mostly shop online for beauty products. As someone says ‘The Pretty Woman Effect’!