Partner hinting for iPad

[Unionizedy]

We have been together for 6 months and are a female couple. We do not live together but see each other often.

We are both students at the moment.

My girlfriend runs a very modest side business that just about pays her rent. She also has credit card debt she is paying off due to a failed former business.

Girlfriend thinks things are going to be very tight for her for the next few months.

She has recently been complaining often that her laptop that she needs for her course is very slow. She is also trying to replace her smashed iPhone screen herself, it’s a model about 6 years old, but she has said she will keep it until it fails completely.

We were talking yesterday on FaceTime and she suddenly asked which model my iPad was… she has been complimenting its performance the last while when we chat on it. I told her it had been a birthday gift which I was very happy to find really useful (I would never previously have bought an iPad for myself).

Girlfriend then announced she is thinking of getting one… and added, maybe for her son. Her son enjoys state of the art technology his father bought him, and it seems to me spends all his spare time gaming on a powerful desktop computer and multiple screens. I don’t know where he’d squeeze in a tablet, it seems redundant to me?

Anyway, he have been talking about spending Christmas together in her home, and it seems to be she was heavily hinting for an iPad or phone from me for Christmas? Does it seem that way?

I really love her and don’t want her to be disappointed with her Christmas gift. I had been thinking of getting her a simple bracelet to match a necklace I previously gave her.

I know I can ignore any hints, but I want to have a close trusting, loving relationship. I don’t want her to think I’m stingy, but I think tablets are a luxury we can’t afford at the moment, and we should spend within our means.

I may have considered it, but I may need to replace my cooker soon, which is packing up, and that takes priority, and would really stretch me.

Should I have a conversation with her and make things potentially awkward if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick… or just stay quiet and give her what I originally planned (she loved the previous necklace).

I think my mentioning I had received this as a gift gave her an idea to hint that she would like one… (iPad was given as a birthday gift by a former partner years ago who was able to afford it easily)

You’ve only been together 6 months, there’s no way you should be spending that much on her. You need to tell her that so there’s no sulking on the day.

If you can’t afford it, don’t buy it. Jewellery is a lovely gift.
No one here will be able to tell you if she was definitely hinting for one or not. Either way there’s nothing wrong with saying to her that you know she’d like an iPad but you’re not comfortable spending that amount on one gift. And/or have a conversation about Christmas present budget.

Just play dumb and don't rise to any "hints". You certainly shouldn't be buying gifts that expensive at this stage in your relationship for her or her son! If she explicitly asks, say you can't afford it. If that's an issue for her, then question why you are together.

No. You can't afford it so it can't happen.

If she “hinting” can’t you just hint back that you can’t afford one.

Or maybe just be direct and mention a budge for xmas gifts. I’m looking at my budget for Xmas gifts and I have x for XYZ people.

Are you sure she is hinting. What is she saying that sounds like a hint. My DH who is a people pleaser always thinks people want things from him when they just mention things. I often don’t think they are expecting anything from him.

Besides, you're only six months in.

Do you want to spend Christmas with her?

I don't think it was a hint. I think you may have misunderstood. She could just be talking about her life. It doesn't mean she expects you to fix her computer problems.

I'd send her links to some ipad deals. She then gets to decide if it's something she can afford and you make it clear it's not coming from you.

After six months? No. I spent about £450 on my husband's birthday presents this year and that's only after 1 year of marriage and 7 years of being together.

If you get the idea she's hinting, just say something like "oh will you be able to afford that?" and if talking about Christmas, talk about it being tight this year and needing to replace your cooker etc.

Be clear about not wanting to overspend at Christmas and tell her not to spend too much on you either.

I wouldn't explicitly say "I'm not buying you an iPad!" but you can certainly manage her expectations.

When she said it at the time, I said that she might be able to get a pre-owned one at a reasonable price in good condition. I was naturally dumb at that point and wasn’t playacting.

It’s only later it occurred to me that she might have been hinting.

It's not an awkward conversation. Just be direct.

Say you dont expect a big gift this year as you know she wants to get DS an iPad and ask if she has spoken to her sons dad about splitting the cost of it.

No misunderstanding that.

For a 6 month old relationship given your financial situation you'd have to be nuts.

You need to make it crystal that it's not happening. She's got some incredibly entitled ideas if she thinks it's an option and I really do wonder how much mileage the relationship has if these are her expectations and you don't deliver.

If you're also a student and careful with money, I'd be very wary of your next steps together
with someone who has a job that just about pays rent, debt from a failed business and is thinking about buying 2 new iPads - and that's regardless of whether she's hinting to you about it (I suspect she is, though, if it feels this much to you).

Lovely as she is, and unromantic as this sounds different approaches to money make life so hard, even more so if one person doesn't have it and can't manage it.

I dont think she was hinting for you to buy it, i think she is probably just bad with money and thinking of taking out more credit.

Don't get her iPad or iPhone or anything else that you cannot comfortably afford at the moment. Your original gift idea is perfect for this early relationship.

I don't think she was hinting. She was having a conversation about whether or not she should buy an iPad.

It's still early days. Close to Xmas, you can have a conversation about how much you want to spend on each other, do we do token gifts, set a budget etc.

Unless of course one of you is significantly wealthier than the other but it doesn't sound that way from what you write.

Christmas is ages away.

It might be quite the litmus test.

…but I don’t like testing people when they don’t know it’s a test.

What I do feel sure about, is she has gone to great lengths for us in time and effort and is fully committed. She treats me very well, best relationship I’ve had .

What struck a note once, was her commenting that I am very generous and she wanted to make sure to not take advantage. She said that a couple of months back. I wasn’t quite sure what to make of that.

Girlfriend has had what would be considered in this country a very deprived childhood in another European country.

Very helpful, thank you.

I agree with PPs

definitely don't buy one

in care you have misunderstood, don't bring it up again but if she does then say iPads are so expensive and you definitely don't have the budget for that kind of thing and hope she won't spend so much on you

If you can't afford it that's that. I would however bring it up so she's not excitedly expecting one on Christmas day. I wouldn't imply she'd been hinting. I'd say "I really wish I had enough money to get you an ipad fir Christmas but I need to replace my cooker and I just can't afford it this year".

I like this, it’s kind and also honest, thank you.

I know from the past what it’s like to experience disappointing gifts, especially when you really need something, and I wish I could make her happy, but it’s not easily feasible right now and would cause strain and worry if my cooker fails.

I’d combine the two excellent suggestions above - the one suggesting she split the cost of the I pad for her son with his dad and then follow it up with ‘ I wish I could get you one but I can’t afford it this year due to the cooker needing to be replaced’.

Good question. I love spending time with her… however, she lives a very Spartan home life indeed and I prefer spending time together in my home.

Girlfriend will be hosting her children, between gifts for the children and a food and drink budget, and a couple of planned activities… it will set me back enough that I will be feeling the pinch for the next couple of months.

Yet, I love that time of year and would love to share it with my girlfriend and don’t want to spend Christmas on my own (no other real alternatives regarding friends and family, for various reasons).

Although of course I would still give her my Xmas pressie,.

I’m thinking it might be more sensible to stay home this year and have a buffer remaining in the purse and not nail myself to the wall without leaving myself enough wiggle room.