Partner hinting for iPad

[Unionizedy]

We have been together for 6 months and are a female couple. We do not live together but see each other often.

We are both students at the moment.

My girlfriend runs a very modest side business that just about pays her rent. She also has credit card debt she is paying off due to a failed former business.

Girlfriend thinks things are going to be very tight for her for the next few months.

She has recently been complaining often that her laptop that she needs for her course is very slow. She is also trying to replace her smashed iPhone screen herself, it’s a model about 6 years old, but she has said she will keep it until it fails completely.

We were talking yesterday on FaceTime and she suddenly asked which model my iPad was… she has been complimenting its performance the last while when we chat on it. I told her it had been a birthday gift which I was very happy to find really useful (I would never previously have bought an iPad for myself).

Girlfriend then announced she is thinking of getting one… and added, maybe for her son. Her son enjoys state of the art technology his father bought him, and it seems to me spends all his spare time gaming on a powerful desktop computer and multiple screens. I don’t know where he’d squeeze in a tablet, it seems redundant to me?

Anyway, he have been talking about spending Christmas together in her home, and it seems to be she was heavily hinting for an iPad or phone from me for Christmas? Does it seem that way?

I really love her and don’t want her to be disappointed with her Christmas gift. I had been thinking of getting her a simple bracelet to match a necklace I previously gave her.

I know I can ignore any hints, but I want to have a close trusting, loving relationship. I don’t want her to think I’m stingy, but I think tablets are a luxury we can’t afford at the moment, and we should spend within our means.

I may have considered it, but I may need to replace my cooker soon, which is packing up, and that takes priority, and would really stretch me.

Should I have a conversation with her and make things potentially awkward if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick… or just stay quiet and give her what I originally planned (she loved the previous necklace).

I think my mentioning I had received this as a gift gave her an idea to hint that she would like one… (iPad was given as a birthday gift by a former partner years ago who was able to afford it easily)

You could set a small budget for "things to open". Set this stuff out in advance,then no one is confused or upset

We also do this. It is very freeing. It means you don't have to worry about getting it wrong, making lists or going through the ridiculous charade of designating a particular item as your Christmas present from your partner, even though you're the one who's chosen it and they've done, I'm not sure what.

You just spend a few quid on each other for some chocolates or whatever, and are free to spend your own money on ipads, clothes, hobby equipment, etc etc whenever you like without having to wait for Christmas or other special occasions.

Girlfriend thinks things are going to be very tight for her for the next few months.

I doubt she’ll be buying you anything then!

Hmmm.

From your original post I initially thought you had got the wrong end of the stick, but reading further I think you might be onto something.

What stands out for me is your concern about spending Christmas with your partner, and all the related costs.

If someone invited me to spend Christmas with them, I would not expect it to put a huge hole in my budget. I might be asking 'what can I bring', expecting to e.g. bring a few pudding options.

My main expense in this situation would be the gift for my girlfriend, and I would give her son a token gift - spending nothing more than say £10.

Obviously if things progressed and I eventually lived with my partner, I'd then be thinking about budgeting/planning for Christmas costs together. But not 6 months in and living seperately.

She does sound a bit cheeky in terms of expecting you to pay for things. I can see what you mean about the cultural thing, but not sure that's it... surely as a woman yourself she would then feel she should be buying you things? Or is this a butch/femme situation where she thinks you should be fulfilling a 'mans role' type thing?

Really interested to know a breakdown of the costs you would predict having to fork out over Christmas?

They were my guests and I wanted them to have a nice time… it was my idea to go there, so I was happy to pick up the tab. She did offer to pay that first day, but did not offer to do so again for the rest of the trip… which is why a chat was needed.

I have benefited from the kindness of others in the past and been shown a great time… it’s normal to be nice, especially to children… one big treat however was enough from me on that occasion I felt.
It’s sad some would think this being a mug.
What I don’t expect is a one way street though.

Things were just fine after our chat, until now… and the situation now is not very clear, there is plausible deniability.

I’m leaning towards staying home for Xmas, and maybe spending a weekend together somewhere afterwards instead.

They were my guests and I wanted them to have a nice time… it was my idea to go there, so I was happy to pick up the tab.

I think you must have more money than I did when I was a student, if you can pay for family trips to theme parks that last several days?!

“I had already treated them to a special family day out (similar to a theme park).”

Why did you do that?

You've been with her 6 months and that’s “in the past” so you paid an expensive day out for the family of a woman you’d been seeing for what? 5 months max?

If you had lots of money then it’s your business how you spend it. But you clearly don’t.

Why did you do that?

You know she’s taking the piss, trying to avoid paying for some drinks. Which is why the iPad situation worries you despite sounding innocuous as a stand alone event recounted on here.

I would split up with anyone who took the piss out of my generosity. I doubt you’re going to do that, so at least don’t be a mug and start setting your boundaries.

Like Xmas. Why does Xmas with her mean expense for you? You bring a bottle of whatever you want to drink. Where money is tight it’s appropriate to chip in cash for the added cost of your meal. What are these “activities” that are going to break your budget? Just don’t do them. You can have Xmas dinner together, even stay for a few days, without going en masse to some Xmas event together.

You have to look at your own behaviour not just hers though. There was no need for you to take her kids to a theme park at your expense. I’m guessing these kids are older so quick introductions might be less of an issue - but keep in mind that less than 6 months in, plenty of people wouldn’t even have met their girlfriend’s kids - let alone gone out with them or paid for them!!! Why did you??

It was a day visit to a local place.

I'm not clear on what you're supposed to have misunderstood re your girlfriend hanging back when it came to paying in the pub. Is she suggesting that she wasn't hanging back and was genuinely searching for her bank card? I couldn't move on with a relationship that didn't start out as complete 50/50 at the outset

You sound as if you are a mature student from the way you write? So you have a fair bit of life experience.
OP, your instincts are telling you to be a bit more cautious.Listen to them

Oh right-when you said She did offer to pay that first day, but did not offer to do so again for the rest of the trip it made it sound like it was longer.

I think you know something isn’t right here.

Just ask her is she hinting at an ipad and if so, you can't afford one as need a new cooker and was going to buy a gift for around £XX but if she prefers you will give her to the money to save for her own ipad?

You said this OP:
“It’s sad some would think this being a mug.”

But you also said this:
“There is a history of an expectation to treat her children - activities and meals out and such.”

It’s not just one “misunderstanding” over one event. It’s your words: a history of it.

As for researching her (European) culture… what a load of crap!
I’m British.
The culture here is for men to pay. Don’t believe me? Go start a thread on “first date: 50/50 or not?” 🤷🏻‍♀️
But I’m an individual. So read whatever the hell you like about British culture, and it won’t tell you about me, with certainty.

She clearly doesn’t follow any cultural norms about men and women in relationships given that she’s not even dating a man right now.

You are clinging to some random thing you’ve read on line about her “culture” because it’s easier than facing up to the fact her behaviour is deliberate and shitty.

I mean, Christmas is in three months. You’ve only been together twice as long as that. Making each other happy is not about expensive gifts.

It's been 6 months, not 6 decades.

You are still very much in the "getting to know each other" phase of the relationship, so of course you don't buy her an £800+ bit of tech!

To give her the benefit of the doubt, it could be explained as her just thinking aloud, not dropping hints.

Just go ahead and ignore any suspected hints, or further hints, and get her the bracelet as originally planned. And if the relationship is as tight and true as you think, it'll all be fine. And if she throws a paddy, you'll perhaps know this relationship isn't going to last past the honeymoon phase.

Tbh I think it would be very unfair to her children if you spent Christmas with them at their home after only 6 months.

Put a limit on how much you spend on presents. Even with my DH of 20+ years we have a limit of €200, and that's the very top of my budget.

It does not sound like she was hinting but rather commenting on something in her life. You seem to be making a number of assumptions about her and how you need to behave. Do you feel uncomfortable about your different circumstances?

Also you are only a few months in spending that kind of money for a gift would be unreasonable and unexpected. If she does expect it that would be wrong. You have stuff needing fixing in your home that should be the priority.

I'd rethink this relationship OP - you are suspicious of her motives, and I do get an inkling of manipulation at play. There should be none of this is the honeymoon period. The honeymoon is over. I'd be moving on. You can have a lovely christmas, spoiling yourself, within your means.

No I wouldn't spend £100s on someone I hadn't been with for a few years. Still early days.

I'd offer her an Apple gift card to the value that you would've spent on the bracelet. I'd never expect someone to buy me a very expensive gift, but if I really needed an iPad I might find it frustrating to receive something I saw as not very 'useful'. But I'm quite a practical person and straight to the point.

Don’t feel guilt tripped into buying what you can’t afford.

Sounds like the communication between the two of you isn't working that well. Presumably English is her 2nd language so that might be fuelling the issue too.

hi, OP. If you change the title of your thread to “new girlfriend hinting at iPad” then it makes the story clearer, and I think everyone would say it is grabby and you shouldn’t buy one.

I don’t think you should say “i wish i could but can’t this year” that sets her up to expect one for her birthday or next Christmas. I would say the option PP suggested about setting expectations and you have to buy a cooker and she wants to buy an iPad for her son.

I would suspect that this is very much what she’s like.
Although, she might like the bracelet, it wouldn’t be useful as such.

It would be sensible to have a conversation about a budget for gifts to each other before Christmas so you are on the same page, not unreasonable to buy her a bracelet but obviously you don’t want to spend ££ on her and then find out she’s spent £££££ on you! If you’re thinking you’ll be buying each other modest gifts then definitely communicate this to her.