Partner hinting for iPad

[Unionizedy]

We have been together for 6 months and are a female couple. We do not live together but see each other often.

We are both students at the moment.

My girlfriend runs a very modest side business that just about pays her rent. She also has credit card debt she is paying off due to a failed former business.

Girlfriend thinks things are going to be very tight for her for the next few months.

She has recently been complaining often that her laptop that she needs for her course is very slow. She is also trying to replace her smashed iPhone screen herself, it’s a model about 6 years old, but she has said she will keep it until it fails completely.

We were talking yesterday on FaceTime and she suddenly asked which model my iPad was… she has been complimenting its performance the last while when we chat on it. I told her it had been a birthday gift which I was very happy to find really useful (I would never previously have bought an iPad for myself).

Girlfriend then announced she is thinking of getting one… and added, maybe for her son. Her son enjoys state of the art technology his father bought him, and it seems to me spends all his spare time gaming on a powerful desktop computer and multiple screens. I don’t know where he’d squeeze in a tablet, it seems redundant to me?

Anyway, he have been talking about spending Christmas together in her home, and it seems to be she was heavily hinting for an iPad or phone from me for Christmas? Does it seem that way?

I really love her and don’t want her to be disappointed with her Christmas gift. I had been thinking of getting her a simple bracelet to match a necklace I previously gave her.

I know I can ignore any hints, but I want to have a close trusting, loving relationship. I don’t want her to think I’m stingy, but I think tablets are a luxury we can’t afford at the moment, and we should spend within our means.

I may have considered it, but I may need to replace my cooker soon, which is packing up, and that takes priority, and would really stretch me.

Should I have a conversation with her and make things potentially awkward if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick… or just stay quiet and give her what I originally planned (she loved the previous necklace).

I think my mentioning I had received this as a gift gave her an idea to hint that she would like one… (iPad was given as a birthday gift by a former partner years ago who was able to afford it easily)

I actually don't think she was hinting at all. Look at what you can afford to gift and stick to it.

I’m wondering if her different culture is playing into this.

In her culture, a man would be expected to treat both her and her children if out for a meal, for example.

I wonder if she misses those kinds of privileges she had when she had relationships with men of her own tradition.

Either that or she thinks I have more money then she, which is actually not the case!

She transferred some money to me on her phone and showed me the screen to correct some digits, and the balance was also on the screen and it was more than I had.

I think she may have an inaccurate image of me… but I’m defiant not willing to discuss financial status at this stage, that is my own private business, especially given we don’t live together.

I agree. Also don't plan too much ahead. Just live in the moment and see how this relationship progresses. I would be wary of planning Xmas together.

In her culture, a man would be expected to treat both her and her children if out for a meal, for example.

Has she told you this? Have you been doing this?

I’d be telling her how skint you are.

I can’t see where she’s hinted either. Literally she’s said she’s considering getting one, you seem to think she’s grabby and wants your money, which is either a you problem or you’re right. Either way I can’t see a future.

however, just ask her what she wants for Xmas. It’s. Normal conversation. This weird suspicious guessing shit doesn’t need to happen.

In her culture, a man would be expected to treat both her and her children if out for a meal, for example.

But you're not the man. So she needs to leave her cultural expectations back with the rest of the probably homophobic patriarchal nonsense.

You don't have to give her chapter and verse on your finances, but it's silly to let her assume you're going to take that role. You're a student, for goodness sake.

She did not tell me this, I wanted to know more about her culture, so I informed myself.

I have mentioned in passing that I was worried about the cooker packing up and that it wasn’t a good time for this to happen and might interfere with any plans I make for Christmas and the new year.

@Unionizedy

There is a history of an expectation to treat her children - activities and meals out and such.

She told me not to go crazy treating her son when they came to stay with me, I didn’t realise I was supposed to at all! Since I was already hosting them and feeding them and supplying various wine and spirits and playing tour guide.

I think you need to be very clear with your partner and manage her expectations - especially on a relationship which is still so new.

Neither of you are in situations where you can be extravagant with money so if you're meeting up with her and her son do ensure she knows what you will/can afford to provide in order not to leave yourself short of cash. Not just for big ticket items like replacing your cooker but allow for anything else which may arise for which you'll need a cushion to cope financially.

With your post (extract above) it really does sound as if she's priming you to consider buying her expensive tech so you do need to let her know clearly, however politely, that you're on a tight budget which doesn't allow for expensive gifts, whether items or experiences. 🌹

It’s good to see this from another perspective, thanks.

Even if you were both wealthy then token gifts so early on are a better way to go. So be brave about managing expectations now. And don’t host if you can’t afford it. Or agree on the basis that you split costs fairly.

If you’re right about the hinting then this would be a red flag for me- if she was a man she’d have been labelled a cocklodger by now.

I would not bring up the iPad again. If she talks about it do not say you would love to buy her one but you need to buy a cooker. Even saying that raises her expectations about the amount you would be willing to pay if only you didn't have to buy something else. If she does hint more strongly than shut the conversation down by saying you do not have the funds for an iPad. And if she references it for her son, suggest the father stumps up the cash. If she is not happy with that you know early doors what sort of relationship she wants with you. One that is based on how much you are willing to spend.

That's not for the OP to do though. That's what her girlfriend needs to do.

I’ve in the past kept my hand firmly bout of my pocket, causing a couple of awkward moments.

Can you tell us more about this?

Great point. I do not want to set any sort of precedent for big ticket gifts. Certainly not at this stage of our lives.

I’d make the point when she bangs on about your super fast iPad that you’re lucky that X bought it for you as if it was down to your own finances, you’d still have a Nokia 3310 (or whatever!).

I know it's a cliche about lesbians moving in together by the second date but you're really going way too fast. You've been dating six months. You shouldn't be spending time with her children at all. You certainly shouldn't be spending Christmas with them.

I would have a chat about budget for n Xmas gifts. "I was thinking about £100, are you happy with that or shall we do less?" Agree an amount to spend

Quite the drip feed.
Your OP doesn’t sound like she’s hinting at all.
Your subsequent posts make it clear why you thought she might be.

Your relationship is too new to buy such a generous gift early on. I'd be wary of spending of that much money so soon & her dumping you straight after. It's not your responsibility to replace her laptop, she has a business so she can save for it.

From what you’ve written I also don’t think she’s hinted about anything , she was just having a conversation, it’s a shame that that is the conclusion you’ve come to and it is a bit sad that you think that really .

For example, at a pub, and she would hang back and fiddle around finding her cards for a long time, I just waited, because I had already treated them to a special family day out (similar to a theme park). I thought it was perfectly fine to stand back and allow Girlfriend to pick up the drinks. There was a bit of awkward shuffling about though, which I would rather have avoided.

It was after that stay that we had the chat and she said I had misundyand there were no financial issues… I had asked during our chat if there was a problem in that area and I felt a bit uncomfortable that day. She said it was a misunderstanding and I accepted that… until now.

Honestly, this is going too fast given she has children. I wouldn’t be expecting someone to even introduce a new partner within the first six months, let alone be staying with them and having social days out etc.

I had already treated them to a special family day out (similar to a theme park)

Why are you ‘treating’ them? Sorry, but you should be paying for yourself! If you
wanted to be astonishingly nice, you might go halves (I wouldn’t), but why? You’re both students?!

I don’t know if she’s treating you like a mug or if you’re just behaving like one all by yourself?!

My husband and I have done this from day 1. It means so much more and there are no disappointments. You could set a small budget for "things to open". Set this stuff out in advance,then no one is confused or upset

I think she is sounding you out and softening you up, be wary. This will be your first Christmas together so it's the time to lay down a few ground rules with her.
Say you don't want present opening to be embarrassing on Christmas Day with a mismatch of how much you have each spent, so you want to set a max on your spending of £XX. Set the figure at something sensible but not mean. Then she'll have no expectations of an iPad or whatever.

You say you love her but six months is not long, there's a lot you don't know about her.