Partner hinting for iPad

[Unionizedy]

We have been together for 6 months and are a female couple. We do not live together but see each other often.

We are both students at the moment.

My girlfriend runs a very modest side business that just about pays her rent. She also has credit card debt she is paying off due to a failed former business.

Girlfriend thinks things are going to be very tight for her for the next few months.

She has recently been complaining often that her laptop that she needs for her course is very slow. She is also trying to replace her smashed iPhone screen herself, it’s a model about 6 years old, but she has said she will keep it until it fails completely.

We were talking yesterday on FaceTime and she suddenly asked which model my iPad was… she has been complimenting its performance the last while when we chat on it. I told her it had been a birthday gift which I was very happy to find really useful (I would never previously have bought an iPad for myself).

Girlfriend then announced she is thinking of getting one… and added, maybe for her son. Her son enjoys state of the art technology his father bought him, and it seems to me spends all his spare time gaming on a powerful desktop computer and multiple screens. I don’t know where he’d squeeze in a tablet, it seems redundant to me?

Anyway, he have been talking about spending Christmas together in her home, and it seems to be she was heavily hinting for an iPad or phone from me for Christmas? Does it seem that way?

I really love her and don’t want her to be disappointed with her Christmas gift. I had been thinking of getting her a simple bracelet to match a necklace I previously gave her.

I know I can ignore any hints, but I want to have a close trusting, loving relationship. I don’t want her to think I’m stingy, but I think tablets are a luxury we can’t afford at the moment, and we should spend within our means.

I may have considered it, but I may need to replace my cooker soon, which is packing up, and that takes priority, and would really stretch me.

Should I have a conversation with her and make things potentially awkward if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick… or just stay quiet and give her what I originally planned (she loved the previous necklace).

I think my mentioning I had received this as a gift gave her an idea to hint that she would like one… (iPad was given as a birthday gift by a former partner years ago who was able to afford it easily)

You can still set a budget.

I also don’t see where she has hinted.

then find out she’s spent £££££ on you!

This sounds very unlikely!

OP, the whole picture you paint doesn't sound great. She isn't being honest. There was a problem with money on the day our, ie she expected you to pay for everything, but she lies and says there is no problem, you misunderstood. That's gaslighting. You didn't misunderstand.

I think hanging back at the bar and fiddling with her wallet transcends language barriers.

Have a chat about Xmas plans and come to an agreement for a limit on presents that you both can afford Make sure it's no where near the price of an iPad.

I hadn’t thought of this!

I’m not that fussed about receiving a gift. I’m quite practical myself and not easy to buy for… but girlfriend has managed to give me small thoughtful gifts that were absolutely bang on…

Although the only time I specifically asked her for something when she was abroad and asked what I wanted from there, (an inexpensive regional wine), I didn’t get it, which surprised me, and she didn’t mention it. Something I could order online myself, so big deal.

I think she prefers to do it when she feels like it and not when asked…
I once told her the not fun part of being single is not being able to ask someone to pick something up from the local shop if you’re feeling unwell or can’t get out for some reason that day… she said she had never asked anyone and thought it was imposing and would rather go without… I thought it unusual as I’ve done this for others and has this done for me loads of times, it’s not a big deal.

So this situation is going quite beyond what she has said are her stated beliefs.
She has also many times told me how she hates manipulation and has accused me of it a couple of times, then apologised to me when I explained what I meant.

I wonder… don’t they say people are most sensitive to what they dislike in themselves?

There is a big difference in our spending practices anyway. I have avoided debt like the plague. I go without if I don’t have it.
And she is credit card happy with her business and travel interests but is a bit off about day to day things. As I said - very very Spartan. I don’t think I’ve met anyone more Spartan.

You make her sound worse with every post, and on the things that aren’t bad as such, you make her sound more incompatible with every post!

Tbh I wouldn’t want to lug a cheap bottle of Lambrini all the way back if it could be bought online here - seems pointless to me. But I’d be upfront about it.

I wouldn’t date someone who had accused me multiple times in 6 months of being manipulative 🤷🏻‍♀️

I wouldn’t date someone who had accused me multiple times in 6 months of being manipulative 🤷🏻‍♀️

This.

The two of you don't seem to trust one another, you're too entangled too soon, and it just seems like a bitter break up waiting to happen.

God this is ridiculously hard work for 6 months.

“I’m not that fussed about receiving a gift. I’m quite practical myself and not easy to buy for… but girlfriend has managed to give me small thoughtful gifts that were absolutely bang on…”

This interests me. Sometimes when we’re in the honeymoon period, we think everything the other person does is great. Especially when we’re not bothered about gifts (so hard to disappoint us) and have decided we’re not easy to buy for - so we have given our loved ones a mental get out clause for not making a good choice.

Example:
6 months in, they surprise you with a Turkish Delight cos you mentioned they’re your favourite. You think that’s thoughtful and really nice.
6 years in, you get a Turkish Delight for your birthday, they honeymoon period is over - and next thing you know you’re posting on MN to ask AIBU or do I deserve more than a bloody chocolate bar?

I wonder if you’re just in that period where you love anything she gives you, because it’s from her, and because you just love any trappings of being in a relationship?

Anyway, even if I’m way off base with that - perfect presents wouldn’t make up for someone repeatedly accusing me of manipulation whilst taking money off me.

I must agree with some of the PPs about it sounding worse after each update.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

You need to do the online freedom programme to help you spot Red flags & understand what a healthy relationship is. You both have unrealistic expectations of each other and toxic behavioural traits.

Can you elaborate regarding the toxic behaviours?

This relationship does not sounds fun and enjoyable. It's 6 months in nothing should be this hard.

You don't sound compatible at all

@FlamingoQueen It does sound like she expects you to treat her and her children..

Yes, and the comment about her not wanting to take advantage also sounds off. “Don’t over do it on the treats for my son”, ( or however she expressed it), sounds like someone who is is happy to take. Telling you that you are generous, making you feel like you should be.

Definitely plant the seed now that you have a lot going on and an expensive few months so doing a budget Christmas this year to manage her expectations. Not that you should have to but it may stop the hinting. My dsis used to always be tapping me for money, hinting how skint she was etc until one day I mentioned how it was end of the month and I had hardly any money left and was having to make choices re what not to pay for. Then she stopped. I think she thought because I had a decent job I was therefore well off and could keep subbing her.

Yes, I think this is the root of the problem - Girlfriend imagines I have more, especially given her choice of Spartan living conditions.

She said she prefers to spend on travel, whereas I prioritise having comfortable basics at home, after all, that’s where I spend the majority of my time.

Great point to mull over, thank you.

As many have already reminded me, I will need to get to know her better, and take things slow and easy in the meantime.

She totally gaslit you in this.

the “oh don’t go mad treating my kids”

and “you’re always so generous we’re really not going to take advantage”

all of that it utter unmitigated bollocks.

It's all reverse psychology- don't go mad treating my kids really means - do go mad treating my kids. Presumably she is expecting you to buy them meaningful gifts at Christmas too.

UPDATE:

So, the other night, my partner told me, she had found an Ipad with a smashed screen in the trash outside her home… and that she had salvaged it, but didn’t have the right charger for it…
She said she was going to purchase the right pre-owned charger, then was going to buy a pre-owned replacement screen for it, and would then either try to repair it and see if it will charge and work… or sell the whole lot on as spare parts online.

I have my own thoughts on this, but would love to hear feedback from the lovely posters here, please, to help gather my thoughts…. Many thanks!

Do you think she's lying?

What are the chances of her neighbours putting one in the trash, such that it was noticeable to her, exactly as she needed it…

Plus the talk of iPad hadn’t stopped since I last posted.

I’m not sure I trust her on this level… one or two incidents, fine, I’m happy to give the benefit of the doubt, but so many…

And the job that had been “secured” never did materialise… apparently some sort of delay with a police check…

So, not sure why you're still with her if you distrust her and disbelieve her.

Not saying you're wrong, but why stick around? It's not healthy.

I think it's very unlikely someone would dispose of it, especially visibly. Where we live it would go in a separate bag from the recycling not general waste.

Things are definitely coming to a head.