Page 11 | Seeing lots of single child family

Guffpuff · 2023-09-23T17:44:24+00:00

We went for a long walk today around a reservoir. It's quite a popular place. We saw a large number of single child families. We feel that it's becoming more and more common now. Could be due to Cost of living and inflation or mix of lots of reasons. Is this something you're observing as well?

Badseedmum · 24/09/2023 21:20

TheLightProgramme · 23/09/2023 20:46

I have to say though, i had various issues that meant a third wasnt possible and it does make me sad at times that i'll probably only end up with 3 or 4 grandkids.

My two get along really well, I can't imagine either as an only child!

I always find statements like this totally bizarre. The more children you have doesn't automatically mean more grandchildren. I find it mind boggling people would want more children just to increase your odds of having grandchildren. You may well find neither of your children have kids or they have 3 each.

My mum has 3 children and one grandchild and it will probably stay that way. She has a friend who has one child and three grandchildren!

Daisybuttercup12345 · 24/09/2023 21:28

Mushroo · 23/09/2023 18:51

Im about to have my first and always assumed I’d have two, but then I factor in:
2x nursery fees, holiday costs, after school clubs, hobbies, food, uniforms, phones for teenagers, uni costs, driving lessons and house deposits and it financially makes no sense.

So I’m currently on the fence mainly due to cost of everything!

My kids all worked and paid for driving lessons, cars, uni costs and house deposits.
No reason why yours or anyone else's should do the same.

WaitingfortheTardis · 24/09/2023 21:32

@Daisybuttercup12345 No there isn't, but it is okay to make that choice.

PaprikaPlease · 24/09/2023 21:41

@Daisybuttercup12345 probably missing the point a bit here but I’ve been following along and can’t believe how many parents are prepared to pay for their children’s driving lessons! Would never have crossed my mind!

Piglet89 · 24/09/2023 21:49

I reckon there are many more single child families now because women are much less willing to do the bloody hard graft of caring for (particularly young) children, the lion’s share of which they inevitably seem to be lumped with.

they have one and are like “I am NOT fucking doing that again”.

LlynTegid · 24/09/2023 21:53

I'm not seeing it myself. If it is the case, I wonder if later starting of a family than say in the last century has a part to play, as both female and male fertility declines with age.

PurpleWisteria1 · 24/09/2023 22:14

Comedycook · 24/09/2023 20:56

I agree. I hear a lot of parents with one child say they want to give their child their undivided attention...honestly I'd rather have my sister than more one to one attention from my parents whilst growing up. We had a blast!

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Absolutely. Both my father and my MIL were only children with undivided attention. It shows.

Mushroo · 24/09/2023 22:36

Daisybuttercup12345 · 24/09/2023 21:28

My kids all worked and paid for driving lessons, cars, uni costs and house deposits.
No reason why yours or anyone else's should do the same.

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They could, but scrimping for a house deposit (we live in London) is depressing and I’d prefer they didn’t have to - I’ll probably offer to match what they save. I don’t feel I ‘gained’ anything from living in terrible rentals.

I generally feel things are getting harder to each generation, so if I can give my child a step up, why wouldn’t I. Things are just becoming less and less affordable - so whilst I paid for my own driving lessons, I can see it’s harder to do the same now. The driving lessons is also just an example, I may or may not end up paying for them. My life would just generally be financial less stressful with one.

It’s so individual though and I’m still on the fence if it’s the right decision, and if a sibling would be better!

Whippetlovely · 24/09/2023 22:46

I think this thread is for middle class people. No wonder you think you can’t afford more than one child if you are paying their uni fees, weddings and house deposits! I will be expecting my kids to get a part time job at 16 and learn to save up and contribute to their own future. Same way me and my siblings did, we have our own homes paid for ourselves. Important life lesson imo. How much do you think clubs cost? I’m not talking horse riding I’m talking hockey, athletics , swimming it doesn’t cost a fortune to have two kids if you are not buying everything for them post 18 . We are not rich but our kids don’t miss out on anything they have holidays , clubs, days out, we just have realistic expectations of what they need, which does not include private school! 🙄

Comedycook · 24/09/2023 22:53

Whippetlovely · 24/09/2023 22:46

I think this thread is for middle class people. No wonder you think you can’t afford more than one child if you are paying their uni fees, weddings and house deposits! I will be expecting my kids to get a part time job at 16 and learn to save up and contribute to their own future. Same way me and my siblings did, we have our own homes paid for ourselves. Important life lesson imo. How much do you think clubs cost? I’m not talking horse riding I’m talking hockey, athletics , swimming it doesn’t cost a fortune to have two kids if you are not buying everything for them post 18 . We are not rich but our kids don’t miss out on anything they have holidays , clubs, days out, we just have realistic expectations of what they need, which does not include private school! 🙄

It is very middle class yes!

Panda89 · 24/09/2023 22:57

My mum is an only child, I’m an only child and my DD is an only child.
We are all very happy with that, I was never close with my cousins and prefer my own company.
DD will have a lovely life with us, she has friends at school and we can afford nice things for her as not overstretched.

WaitingfortheTardis · 25/09/2023 05:17

@Whippetlovely Nonsense. Why is it so hard to understand that one is the perfect number for some people?

WhatNoRaisins · 25/09/2023 06:28

There's a real vibe of anxiety with this issue. It does seem to get harder and harder for young people to achieve things like stable housing through your own hard work. I don't think anyone really wants to see their offspring go on to have less than they had and if that means a deposit for a house and driving lessons then that's what will be factored in.

Comedycook · 25/09/2023 06:38

I totally accept that only children can have very happy upbringings. But my concern is what happens when things go wrong. Like I said, by the time I was 25, all my grandparents and both parents were dead. Luckily I had my sister, I also had various aunts/uncles around to help support me. If I'd been an only child and my parents had been only children I'd have been really alone.

jeaux90 · 25/09/2023 06:39

Whippetlovely · 24/09/2023 22:46

I think this thread is for middle class people. No wonder you think you can’t afford more than one child if you are paying their uni fees, weddings and house deposits! I will be expecting my kids to get a part time job at 16 and learn to save up and contribute to their own future. Same way me and my siblings did, we have our own homes paid for ourselves. Important life lesson imo. How much do you think clubs cost? I’m not talking horse riding I’m talking hockey, athletics , swimming it doesn’t cost a fortune to have two kids if you are not buying everything for them post 18 . We are not rich but our kids don’t miss out on anything they have holidays , clubs, days out, we just have realistic expectations of what they need, which does not include private school! 🙄

Well I'm a lone parent and stuck with 1. I think it would have been batshit of me to have more as a single income/single adult household.

And yes I have my DD in private school, you know why?

State provision is shit for SEN kids
State provision does not enable women to work full time

That's why. I took a responsible position. And yes shoot me, I'm middle class.

PeggyPiglet · 25/09/2023 07:09

Having one child doesn't necessarily mean they automatically get everything paid for and get their parents' undivided attention.

My DD will be learning to save up and pay for things herself as soon as she's old enough.

There's also nothing wrong with choosing to have an only child even though you do have the finances for several more.

Screw the 'lonely only' argument. Plenty of only children are perfectly happy.

Oh and the argument 'have more children so they're not lonely if someone dies' is a bit of a ridiculous one.

WhatNoRaisins · 25/09/2023 07:10

A difficult sibling can just be an extra source of drama when dealing with elderly parents in my experience.

Vettrianofan · 25/09/2023 07:14

WhatNoRaisins · 25/09/2023 07:10

A difficult sibling can just be an extra source of drama when dealing with elderly parents in my experience.

Definitely. There are two ways of looking at this. I say that as someone with several DC myself, and one of 2.

ChChChCherryBomb · 25/09/2023 07:16

WhatNoRaisins · 25/09/2023 07:10

A difficult sibling can just be an extra source of drama when dealing with elderly parents in my experience.

We have this EXACT situation with DH and his ‘D’B right now!

Mind you PIL are 90% to blame for this. DB was always treated like the ‘golden’ child. This situation deserve its own thread though.

FFSWhatToDoNow · 25/09/2023 07:20

Comedycook · 25/09/2023 06:38

I totally accept that only children can have very happy upbringings. But my concern is what happens when things go wrong. Like I said, by the time I was 25, all my grandparents and both parents were dead. Luckily I had my sister, I also had various aunts/uncles around to help support me. If I'd been an only child and my parents had been only children I'd have been really alone.

DD has had a network of friends that we’ve nurtured pretty much since birth. She is far closer with them than I ever was with my sister. Blood isn’t always thicker than water.

Badseedmum · 25/09/2023 07:21

I find it morbid to just have another child just incase my DC might be lonely when I die, or so they have someone to help them care for me. I don't speak to either of my brothers so it's a not a given that siblings are going to be be some inbuilt support system.

blahblahblah1654 · 25/09/2023 07:27

My FIL is 1 of 6 and the family fallouts and politics is ridiculous. Most of them don't speak. It's not a given you'll be less lonely with siblings. I have a brother 2 years younger than me and we aren't close.

kikisparks · 25/09/2023 07:27

Whippetlovely · 24/09/2023 20:53

I just want to say having one and two cost wise doesn’t really feel any different. If you have two close together (less than three ur gap then I imagine it’s harder if you need to pay two x nursery fees ) but three year gap or more and there is free child care for one so I don’t feel it made any difference. I have a 6 yr gap I would have preferred a smaller gap but that’s how it worked out. Also the argument about clubs doesn’t work either , my dd is very sporty you just split time one parent takes one and the other takes the other child so they don’t miss out. I’ve never felt poorer for having two kids. I think the truth is people only want one child because it’s EASIER. We certainly had that debate by time dd1 was 5 should we have another now as life is quite easy, we’d got through the sleepless nights , the tiredness , grandparents would willingly babysit one child who slept through the night , we would quite often go out for dinner / cinema. When you have two it’s much harder to get any time alone , grandparents don’t want to have the one that doesn’t sleep well and is hectic. You are busier and more stressed with two but I would not trade it. I think to be honest we are all missing out by not having bigger families. The more I think of it ,it’s quite sad the thought of someone not having cousins. Cousins are your first best friends. My niece and my dd are extremely close as are my son and his male cousin. I don’t think you realise the importance of extended family in later life.

Well yes, it is easier, and we’re allowed to want to be parents and to have a life that is not consumed by stress (not saying you are but some people with two children are and some of us would be if we were not single child families). It does not make us lazy parents. We are allowed to say as women we don’t want to put our bodies through IVF, miscarriages, losses, pregnancy, birth again. We are allowed to say that one lot of PND was enough. We are allowed to say we don’t want to do any additional laundry, cooking, tidying, cleaning, ferrying about etc. We are allowed to say we want more time for ourselves and our marriages. We are allowed to say we don’t want to take the risk of a second child with additional needs. We don’t have to give a reason why we don’t want more children, but if we do and the reason translates into “ easier” it doesn’t mean it’s a bad reason.

blahblahblah1654 · 25/09/2023 07:37

Whippetlovely · 24/09/2023 20:53

I just want to say having one and two cost wise doesn’t really feel any different. If you have two close together (less than three ur gap then I imagine it’s harder if you need to pay two x nursery fees ) but three year gap or more and there is free child care for one so I don’t feel it made any difference. I have a 6 yr gap I would have preferred a smaller gap but that’s how it worked out. Also the argument about clubs doesn’t work either , my dd is very sporty you just split time one parent takes one and the other takes the other child so they don’t miss out. I’ve never felt poorer for having two kids. I think the truth is people only want one child because it’s EASIER. We certainly had that debate by time dd1 was 5 should we have another now as life is quite easy, we’d got through the sleepless nights , the tiredness , grandparents would willingly babysit one child who slept through the night , we would quite often go out for dinner / cinema. When you have two it’s much harder to get any time alone , grandparents don’t want to have the one that doesn’t sleep well and is hectic. You are busier and more stressed with two but I would not trade it. I think to be honest we are all missing out by not having bigger families. The more I think of it ,it’s quite sad the thought of someone not having cousins. Cousins are your first best friends. My niece and my dd are extremely close as are my son and his male cousin. I don’t think you realise the importance of extended family in later life.

It's quite insensitive to the people who can't have a second. I've had 2 miscarriages and was extremely unwell during my second late miscarriage. I don't think I should risk my life in case my child feels lonely. Not all siblings are close anyway.

ChChChCherryBomb · 25/09/2023 07:49

kikisparks · 25/09/2023 07:27

Well yes, it is easier, and we’re allowed to want to be parents and to have a life that is not consumed by stress (not saying you are but some people with two children are and some of us would be if we were not single child families). It does not make us lazy parents. We are allowed to say as women we don’t want to put our bodies through IVF, miscarriages, losses, pregnancy, birth again. We are allowed to say that one lot of PND was enough. We are allowed to say we don’t want to do any additional laundry, cooking, tidying, cleaning, ferrying about etc. We are allowed to say we want more time for ourselves and our marriages. We are allowed to say we don’t want to take the risk of a second child with additional needs. We don’t have to give a reason why we don’t want more children, but if we do and the reason translates into “ easier” it doesn’t mean it’s a bad reason.

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Well said.

We’re also allowed also not to try for a second after the age of 41, which would have been my case.

It’s not always the case that we’ve decided on the easier option.