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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To advise my dd that she should expect to be picked up in the car for a date?

166 replies

Hellandhighwaters · 22/09/2023 19:23

I have just been informed by my lovely dd (age 19) that she is going on a third date tonight. I am lucky that she chats about her dating life and I genuinely never pry or ask her for too many details.

She is a university student (as is the lad she is seeing). She’s just messaged me to tell me he has made last minute plans and asked her to come to his tonight. It’s raining, so she is deciding whether to walk or get an uber. This is where we disagree - the lad she is seeing has a car and it will be a 15/20 minute walk for her, but would be less than a five minute drive for him to pick her up and take her back to his.

He sounds nice enough and they have had a pub date and also been out shopping together on their second date (when he did drive and they went back to hers). She’s taking things really slowly with this boy after having a really horrible dating experience in her first year at uni. However, aibu to think it is not very gentlemanly that he has not at least offered to pick her up (in view of the weather). She genuinely does not mind walking and goes everywhere on foot normally as a skint student, so she got annoyed when I suggested that it was a bit lazy of him to expect her to walk to his in the rain, without the offer of a lift. I said that back in the day, all my boyfriends who wanted to see me came to pick me up in their cars (before I passed my test) even to go on local short journeys. Am I just old fashioned and aibu? She has just said that if he isn’t drinking and doesn’t offer to run her home later then that will be a red flag!

OP posts:
Mumof2teens79 · 22/09/2023 19:25

You don't know that he's not already been drinking...hence the change of plan??
Or maybe his car is broken, parked in, run out if fuel, been borrowed by a friend

Astromelia · 22/09/2023 19:26

I think you’re reading too much into it. I don’t think it says anything much that he hasn’t offered a lift, maybe he just assumes she is an adult who can make her own travel arrangements and who will tell him if his suggestions aren’t convenient.

Spaghettihulahoops · 22/09/2023 19:28

Why would he offer to run her home, surely he would prefer she stayed?

Issuefroth · 22/09/2023 19:28

If he doesn’t have a genuine reason then I think it’s a reflection of things to come if he can’t even polish up his behaviour for the early days. I would be wary since he didn’t explain why he couldn’t pick her up.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 22/09/2023 19:28

If she is happy to walk or Uber then fine

If she started demanding he pick her up she's going to look "precious".

He has plans and can't pick her up. It's fine

Widowsfire · 22/09/2023 19:29

Things change. Back in the day I'd have never gone into a pub on my own to meet my date, for example. I think nothing of it now. It's good that young men expect women to have some independance IMO, most of "chivalry" is about control

TedMullins · 22/09/2023 19:31

Yes YABU and short journeys are terrible for the environment.

ilovesooty · 22/09/2023 19:31

She hasn't lost the use of her legs. No reason for her not to get there independently.

ProfessorofCunning · 22/09/2023 19:33

What if it’s parked in a hard won space? I didn’t have a car at university but my flat mate did and it was a nightmare to find anywhere. I walked to and fro to my then boyfriend’s(now DH) flat. Didn’t think anything of it. Sometimes he would meet me, sometimes walk me home. Just depended. This was over 20 years ago. No reflection of his chivalry 😂

SittingOnTheChair · 22/09/2023 19:34

Butt out.

NoSquirrels · 22/09/2023 19:35

Hate to break it to you, but having the third date at his house is probably not ‘taking it really slowly’ and if I was her I’d expect he’s not thinking about ‘running her home later’ Grin

RightSaidFred72 · 22/09/2023 19:37

You're way too invested in this for a 19YO.

Especially to be 'advising' her

shorttwoshot · 22/09/2023 19:37

I really don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would think exactly the same, it's a complete lack of effort on his part. At the point in a relationship when he should be making extra effort!

I would offer to pick anyone up in that scenario rather than just waiting in for them.

Walking on her own in the dark is dangerous, and women getting taxis alone isn't the best, although much safer with Uber than it used to be.

You're doing the right thing xxx

minou123 · 22/09/2023 19:38

This is an I interesting one because I think it all comes down to expectations.

I'm my view, I'm leaning towards YABU and it's quite an old fashioned view.

I think if the dating progresses, you'll probably start to see him driving round to pick her up. But in these 1st couple of weeks/months dating its quite normal to not do the typical "old" style dating things.

Timmytap18 · 22/09/2023 19:38

Hmm I get where you're coming from, maybe he's already had a drink though. Or is just young and didn't think. However 3rd date? I doubt he will be running her home later I'm afraid!

ilovesooty · 22/09/2023 19:38

RightSaidFred72 · 22/09/2023 19:37

You're way too invested in this for a 19YO.

Especially to be 'advising' her

If I were her I wouldn't be talking to you about my dates. You certainly don't need to be offering advice on this.

Speedweed · 22/09/2023 19:38

Issuefroth · 22/09/2023 19:28

If he doesn’t have a genuine reason then I think it’s a reflection of things to come if he can’t even polish up his behaviour for the early days. I would be wary since he didn’t explain why he couldn’t pick her up.

This. On the face of it, him expecting her to walk in the rain seems like nothing, but really he should still be displaying his 'best self' to her, which would include being thoughtful that she might want a lift.

Also, I know it seems a tiny thing, but I had a horrible coercive boyfriend who would do something like this, then berate me for not looking perfect/not dressing up for him, when I'd dressed for walking in the rain. It was one of earliest signs of things to come, so keep an eye out for this single instance of apparent thoughtlessness forming part of a pattern too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2023 19:39

Last minute plans, come to his, third date?

He wants a shag. Which if she's taking it slowly may not be what she wants.

Noicant · 22/09/2023 19:39

Tbh yeah I would expect my DD to be picked up if it’ll take him five minutes. Dh would definitely have done that for me and I would have done it for him.

Sprogonthetyne · 22/09/2023 19:39

As an adult I'm sure she is more the capable of making her own travel arrangements. I'd find always picking up and dropping off a little controlling, making my own way there means I know where I am and can make my own way home whenever I want. Been picked up and taken to an unknown location, where I might be dependent on the bloke to take me home (if/when he chooses), would male me uneasy.

theduchessofspork · 22/09/2023 19:41

She can ask if she wants a lift. Or maybe he already had a couple of drinks hence not offering.

It’s not a big deal.

Cowlover89 · 22/09/2023 19:42

Yabu

Noicant · 22/09/2023 19:42

PP articulated it for me, on the third date he should still be trying to show that he’s thoughtful. When we first started dating DH used to do a 3 hour round trip just to have dinner with me midweek. He was willing to invest time and energy into your relationship and it signalled that he valued it.

DixonD · 22/09/2023 19:44

NoSquirrels · 22/09/2023 19:35

Hate to break it to you, but having the third date at his house is probably not ‘taking it really slowly’ and if I was her I’d expect he’s not thinking about ‘running her home later’ Grin

This!!

BlurredEdges · 22/09/2023 19:44

A 15 minute walk? Are you joking?

My daughter is 13 and I wouldn't expect her to need a lift for a 1 mile journey.