To advise my dd that she should expect to be picked up in the car for a date?

[Hellandhighwaters]

I have just been informed by my lovely dd (age 19) that she is going on a third date tonight. I am lucky that she chats about her dating life and I genuinely never pry or ask her for too many details.

She is a university student (as is the lad she is seeing). She’s just messaged me to tell me he has made last minute plans and asked her to come to his tonight. It’s raining, so she is deciding whether to walk or get an uber. This is where we disagree - the lad she is seeing has a car and it will be a 15/20 minute walk for her, but would be less than a five minute drive for him to pick her up and take her back to his.

He sounds nice enough and they have had a pub date and also been out shopping together on their second date (when he did drive and they went back to hers). She’s taking things really slowly with this boy after having a really horrible dating experience in her first year at uni. However, aibu to think it is not very gentlemanly that he has not at least offered to pick her up (in view of the weather). She genuinely does not mind walking and goes everywhere on foot normally as a skint student, so she got annoyed when I suggested that it was a bit lazy of him to expect her to walk to his in the rain, without the offer of a lift. I said that back in the day, all my boyfriends who wanted to see me came to pick me up in their cars (before I passed my test) even to go on local short journeys. Am I just old fashioned and aibu? She has just said that if he isn’t drinking and doesn’t offer to run her home later then that will be a red flag!

I wouldn't see this as a big deal at all. I hope your comments don't put her off a perfectly nice boy!

Walking on her own in the dark is dangerous, and women getting taxis alone isn't the best, although much safer with Uber than it used to be.

How do other young girls and women manage getting about - not everyone has a boyfriend with a car to chauffeur them around!

The rain won’t kill her! Tbh it sounds like your daughter doesn’t really care and you’re really overthinking this.

I agree with you as someone who gave men the benefit of the doubt and used to have the 'we live in a modern world nowadays and things are different' mindset in my teens and early 20s - I regret not expecting the small stuff from men I was dating back then as it would have saved a lot of headache and heartbreak

On a 3rd date I would expect the man to pick me up if there was no reason why he couldn't. Particularly if he knew I couldn't drive and it was raining. For safety reasons I wouldn't want a man to pick me up in his car on the 1st date though!

You’re over involved in her life to the extent that you are trying to give her warped advice about dating, but not involved enough to do anything useful, like giving her a lift in the rain?

Edited to add that if she’s away at university rather than living at home, clearly you couldn’t give her a lift.

Nobody I know at university with a car would have driven far and given lifts to people on nights out. Petrol is too expensive and people were often going to the pub anyway.

Walking non her own is safer han spending the night with a man she's met 3 times..

Why don't you give her a lift? Why didn't your daughter ask him? So many variables here.
I think you're a bit too invested.

If it's anything like the normal uni houses where it's all street parking, then I definitely wouldn't be moving my car for a short journey and risk not getting a space back.

I get your view, but equally it isn't that far for her.

I have been on many many dates and don’t recall ever being “picked up”, I certainly don’t think it’s an expectation

given the weather it would be nice but there could be a million reasons why he didn’t

You’re way over invested. My dd is 20 and in her third year of university and we text / chat non stop but I’ve got no idea whether she walks / Ubers / gets a lift etc wherever she goes, I just trust that she looks after herself and is safe. I think as long as it’s a safe route and she’s sensible it’s fine for her to get there herself.

Yabu. Some people jump in the car as default reflex and others have a higher tolerance for walking/public transport. I'd always default towards the latter and only resort to the car if it's major hassle. He could be the same and just not think of offering a lift for a short journey. I wouldn't think badly of him if so.

Hi, thanks for all your replies so far. There is a quite a difference in opinion and I’m glad some people see that the issue is not my dd wanting a lift (she is independent and would offer to walk). I appreciate dating is not the same these days hence the reason why I wanted opinions on how old fashioned my views might be. She’s a beautiful girl who has had lads treat her really badly over the past year. I don’t interfere with her choices, but just like to remind her that effort in the early stages is a nice sign. My husband- to - be used to finish work at 10:00pm and drive over two hours to see me every fortnight when we were long distance in our first year of dating. Perhaps in this day and age unless you have agreed that you are officially in a relationship you shouldn’t expect too much!

I agree with pp who said it’s third date, so he’s expecting to have sex with her

I think the last minute change of plans to coming to his as the third date is a bigger red flag. It might be genuine but sounds like he can't be bothered with another date.
I am sure your daughter is wise to this though and if they are both having fun no problem. But I would guess he might not be thinking 'dating' here, sounds like a hook up. Often that develops into a relationship at that age though so I wouldn't judge him too harshly. Probably best as aother to not know the details!

People are picking up on the wrong thing here. Yes, she has legs, yes it's only 15 minutes, yes she could just ask.

The fact that he hasn't even offered is the issue! Being frank, most young men would break the sound barrier racing over to get a lassie back to his place for date #3 Not even offering is poor form

That's a different scenario altogether though. Driving a 15 minute walk is completely unnecessary. No one should be getting in the car for such a short walk unless they are disabled or it's unsafe.

Thanks @skyfalldown that’s exactly the point. She would definitely have turned down the offer of a lift. For me, it was why he didn’t at least offer to pick her up on a dark night when it was raining. Although I appreciate the points other people have made about difficulties car parking in university streets!

A 20 minute walk! If I were her I’d be judging him bloody harshly if he DID offer to pick her up in the car for a 1 mile journey. It would be nice if her offered to walk with her though.

You are trying to apply your 1990s-based views on dating to 2023, and it just doesn't work, for better or worse. It's a more egalitarian world now, and women are expected to make their own way there, to pay half, to not expect to be the only woman he's speaking to. And vice versa.

I think it is a really fair point, OP, and there is nothing unreasonable about teaching your daughter to expect kindness, thoughtfulness, and respect from any future partner she has. There might have been a reason he couldn't offer - or maybe as a young man he just doesn't view a short walk in the evening/at night with the same caution women have to - but either way I say good on you for gently raising it and letting your daughter feel empowered to recognise her right to be properly cared for.

She's 19. It's none of your business.

I would hate a man to think he had to finish work at 10pm and drive 2 hours to see me!

I'd think it would make me look needy. And not willing to put the effort in.

Maybe a friend wanted a drink and a chat first? Maybe he realised he'd lose a good spot. Maybe he had an essay to finish.

Maybe he's just a prick.

Only time will tell

He might have been drinking already?

I honestly wouldn't see this as a big deal tbh.

And I'm old enough that my youngest is older than your DD.

Thanks @Hana89 that was exactly the sentiment behind my comment. She has been at university for a year and lots of the lads she has met expect girls to uber to their place for late night hook ups and treat girls with a complete lack of respect. It seems that she has not met anyone up until now who wants to take time to get to know her. The first boy she liked at uni came on too strong too soon and was verbally and physically abusive towards her. I sat with her (at her request) whilst she cried and shook on the phone to him as she called off the relationship. I don’t want to interfere with her choices and know she will make mistakes, but have just been trying to encourage her to look for signs of thoughtfulness and kindness so she doesn’t end up in the same situation again.

You sound like a lovely caring Mum. That's all I'll say