To advise my dd that she should expect to be picked up in the car for a date?

[Hellandhighwaters]

I have just been informed by my lovely dd (age 19) that she is going on a third date tonight. I am lucky that she chats about her dating life and I genuinely never pry or ask her for too many details.

She is a university student (as is the lad she is seeing). She’s just messaged me to tell me he has made last minute plans and asked her to come to his tonight. It’s raining, so she is deciding whether to walk or get an uber. This is where we disagree - the lad she is seeing has a car and it will be a 15/20 minute walk for her, but would be less than a five minute drive for him to pick her up and take her back to his.

He sounds nice enough and they have had a pub date and also been out shopping together on their second date (when he did drive and they went back to hers). She’s taking things really slowly with this boy after having a really horrible dating experience in her first year at uni. However, aibu to think it is not very gentlemanly that he has not at least offered to pick her up (in view of the weather). She genuinely does not mind walking and goes everywhere on foot normally as a skint student, so she got annoyed when I suggested that it was a bit lazy of him to expect her to walk to his in the rain, without the offer of a lift. I said that back in the day, all my boyfriends who wanted to see me came to pick me up in their cars (before I passed my test) even to go on local short journeys. Am I just old fashioned and aibu? She has just said that if he isn’t drinking and doesn’t offer to run her home later then that will be a red flag!

@ButWhatAboutTheBees my husband willingly made the journey and would have travelled the same amount of distance again to see me. He put the effort in because he couldn’t bear us being apart. There was no expectation that he had to see me and I used to travel up to see him on alternate weekends.

Why do we want equality yet also want to revert to old fashioned behaviours ? Or maybe I have the wrong end of the stick .
If it was your son would you expect his girlfriend to collect him ?

I don't know...on the one hand, I get why he wouldn't- it's not that far, it's only the third date, she's not expecting it, she has options (uber if she objects to the rain or free if she walks). On the other hand, I remember when I was at uni going on dates with boys who put in zero effort; I walked to quite a few dates over those years to be strung along by time-wasters, whereas now-dh always picked me up and would run to the front door with an umbrella to meet me if it rained to take me to the car so I wouldn't get wet. One of the many ways he showed he cared from early on. And this was around 2012 so not THAT long ago (yes a decade but it wasn't the 90s or anything...).

Look op you're right, it's not about equality it's about saving your time and attention for people who really care about you and are willing to put the effect in. But sadly most of us learn that, if we learn it, the hard way. I'd be there to mop the tears but I would try to suppress the urge to offer advice or commentary. She's grown now and the best thing you can do is empower her by having the faith in her that she can make her own decisions, withstand the consequences and learn the lessons she needs to learn in her own way, in her own time

Short car journeys are unnecessarily bad for the environment and petrol is expensive these days. We're also in an age of equality where young people don't expect men to have to be chivalrous to win over a woman. I read threads on here all the time where women feel afraid to do things without their male partner. I'd much prefer my DD to feel independent and confident and that she can do things for herself, not requiring someone to ferry her about.

op if you’ve a teenager you can’t be as elderly as you’re making out with all your back in the day stuff.

your daughter is an adult. She has the ability to say yes or no to the invite. She can ask him to pick her up. She can uber. She can walk.

Alternate weekends. As opposed to him driving over at night, after a late shift.

Again, I couldn't do that. I'd feel it was wholly unfair on him.

But I'm a lot younger than you by the sounds of it so it's difference in expectations for generations

You sound like my mum. Trying to apply her expectations to my life as an adult.

One of my neighbours had her mum so much leading her to expect old fashioned behaviour, that she ended up with a guy with very old fashioned views in general.

All those comments about "it being safer"

what if he drove to a different location and she didn't know how to get back alone?
what if he started speeding and dicking around to "impress" her and got in an accident?
What if he had been drinking already?
What if he took a really random route so she couldn't easily follow it and find her way home?

There are safety issues either way. And walking does say "I am capable of getting here alone. I know the way here and I can head back easily without you so you can't threat/control/trap me with not knowing the way."

She hasn't lost the use of her legs. No reason for her not to get there independently

This. He's not a taxi driver presumably as an adult she's capable of getting herself from A to B. This smacks of an old fashioned mentality where the poor little woman can't possibly walk, let alone drive or own their own car, and require a strong man to transport their delicate person.

I think you're a bit too involved...

I agree with this. I wouldn't walk to a bloke's house, in the rain, for a 4th date

Really don't get the posters accusing OP of being too involved... do you not speak to your parents?! OP's daughter is specifically telling about her dating life OP and presumably wants more interaction than speaking to a brick wall, so of course OP is going to give her an opinion!

All I know is that there's absolutely no chance on this earth I'd be walking to a man's house in the rain. Nor would any of my female friends. I don't think that's an old fashioned view - I'm a woman in my mid 20s, I have many single friends who are dating currently so I'm not some out of touch old woman...

Hana89 - Totally agree.

I can understand your pov and am glad your daughter feels she can speak to you about her life.

I agree with lots of the replies, but don't think him not offering to drive is the entire issue (he might be a horrible driver anyway). It's the low effort - as others have said, 3rd date is her getting herself to his in the rain at shortish notice?

It would be different if he'd offered to
walk, drive or get the bus to meet her, I feel.

We know it's often not safe for women in the streets. Why shouldn't a woman reasonably expect the man she's dating to
be cognisant of that, and at least offer to reduce the risk?

That doesn't take away from your point, I agree that many of us just suck it up and get on with it alone

Interesting to see different views.
When my ds passed his driving test he was 17 and had been with his gf for a year. I really worried that her mum would hate him picking her up in the car (he wasn't allowed to drink anything and drive and he knew that but I didn't know if he'd mention that to her mum).
I much prefer mine going out with friends or partners on trains/buses/walking. It feels safer at that age. (They do what they want, including going in other people's cars but my preference would be public transport as I worry about their friends drinking).

Well did he say why there was a chnage of plans? Is he working late, working at home etc

On this note, we also know that it's often not safe for women to date men. She's only met with him for 2 dates before. He could drive her off somewhere she'd have trouble getting back from or assault her in the car where it's hard for her to get away.

I don't think there's a real risk of danger to worry about her walking somewhere in the evening. The risk level is very low.

I wouldn't want a third date picking me up at 19 y.o., to begin with, because I wouldn't want him to know where I live.

I meet my dates in the place where we are meeting each other. Which, on a third date, won't be the guy's home. If you're worried about safety, perhaps this is what you should be bringing up with your DD?

@PiscesScot @aurynne well their second date was 'shopping and back to hers'. which doesn't sound very high effort to me. Maybe he's reciprocating?
I find this whole thing strange. It's certainly not 'taking it slow' (which I find a silly idea anyway).

It may or may not be a red flag OP but as a the sole driver in the house I'd dump a man who expected to be driven anywhere because I had a car and he hadn't. Safety I agree but your concern isn't safety it's comfort! I walk in all weathers, don't see why it's an issue for anybody else. It's just rain...

It’s a fifteen minute walk 🤷‍♀️ Honestly, I would find anyone who chose to drive that distance really unsexy.

I'm not sure when you did your dating OP but I wouldn't expect some lad I'd started seeing to come and fetch me in those circumstances. My dating was mostly done in the 1980s. But my parents would meet at wherever they were going in the 1950s too.

My dd (at University) would not expect this either.
I'm fairly sure my ds would wonder about what sort of young woman he were dating if she weren't prepared to walk round to his.

YABU

😂😂

For a third date she's mad to go to his house. He's clearly expecting sex. If she's taking it slow, it's just about to go fast!

She's been treated badly over the last year? She needs to raise the bar on her choice in blokes. He sounds lazy and after what he can get. She's kidding herself if she thinks making her own way to his house is being independent. He's sat on his arse waiting for his latest shag to arrive. I'd be telling her to ditch him, value her worth and concentrate on dating blokes who actually take her on a date.