To advise my dd that she should expect to be picked up in the car for a date?

[Hellandhighwaters]

I have just been informed by my lovely dd (age 19) that she is going on a third date tonight. I am lucky that she chats about her dating life and I genuinely never pry or ask her for too many details.

She is a university student (as is the lad she is seeing). She’s just messaged me to tell me he has made last minute plans and asked her to come to his tonight. It’s raining, so she is deciding whether to walk or get an uber. This is where we disagree - the lad she is seeing has a car and it will be a 15/20 minute walk for her, but would be less than a five minute drive for him to pick her up and take her back to his.

He sounds nice enough and they have had a pub date and also been out shopping together on their second date (when he did drive and they went back to hers). She’s taking things really slowly with this boy after having a really horrible dating experience in her first year at uni. However, aibu to think it is not very gentlemanly that he has not at least offered to pick her up (in view of the weather). She genuinely does not mind walking and goes everywhere on foot normally as a skint student, so she got annoyed when I suggested that it was a bit lazy of him to expect her to walk to his in the rain, without the offer of a lift. I said that back in the day, all my boyfriends who wanted to see me came to pick me up in their cars (before I passed my test) even to go on local short journeys. Am I just old fashioned and aibu? She has just said that if he isn’t drinking and doesn’t offer to run her home later then that will be a red flag!

"Back to mine" and "having a date that's hanging out at mine" are different things

They'd also been back to hers before

And OP has said they had a lovely night and he wasn't trying to slip the moves on her at all.

Yes, I know OP has come back with that update. And again, as I’ve said before, I’m very glad to hear it. I just wish people would stop pretending that it would have always been absolutely fine. Nobody could have known that until it played out, so why wouldn’t you want your daughter to be ready for that?
And no, “back to mine” and “3rd date at mine” aren’t all that different.

@SchoolQuestionnaire

She once refused to let me go out to the car when a date beeped his horn rather than came to the door to knock. She said that no daughter of hers was being summoned by a bloody beep, and when he finally came to knock she made sure he knew what she thought of his lack of manners too!

If I was you I'd have told my mother to keep her interfering nose out.

If I was the date I'd have told your mother what I thought, too. And left. I'd have had a lucky escape going by the rest of what you said.

Absolutely this.

Some of the replies on suggesting the dd might lack self worth, respect, dignity etc should she <shock horror> want intimacy. Such anti-women bullshit.

Whereforartthoudave · Yesterday 14:26

‘I’ve seen young men getting a mouthful from women when they’ve offered them a seat on the tube, etc. ‘
oh shut up have you! I’ve seen lots of people offered seats on the tube who’ve said ‘ oh I’m ok thanks, getting off next stop’ or ‘ thanks, but I’m okay’ and plenty more of ‘young men’ sitting and completely
ignorjng anyone else - which is the norm on the tube.
But have I ever, in 30 years of constant tube travel seen a woman going off at someone for offering them a seat? No.
And nor have you”

I’m 60 next year. Lived and worked in London for many years. Yes, I have, several times. On local buses in the NW, too. With remarks like “do I look like I need to sit?. My own mother is offended by it. She is in her mid-80s, vain and says stiffly “I’m perfectly capable of standing“ and glares. Bloody rude and I tell her so.

No agenda here, just reporting what I’ve personally seen.

I would never have spoken to my dm like that. She’s no longer with us but I valued her opinion far more than that of a random man who wanted to take me on a date. My dm raised me to know my worth, not put up with any nonsense and to understand that I deserve more than whatever scraps a man wanted to throw my way. I’ve been happily married for over 20 years to a man who still goes above and beyond so I’m thankful that I listened. I was lucky to have her.

How bizarre.
I 'know my worth'. I am an equal to anyone else.

Because I am old, it doesn't really occur to me to text someone from the car, but that is the way everyone under about 30 does it.
All my dcs' friends (male and female) message to say they are here, rather than getting out to ring the bell. It's actually quite logical really. It's no 'nonsense' at all. It is just the modern way.

I wouldn't have needed to tell my mother to keep her nose out as she was far wiser than that and wouldn't have said anything in the first place. The same as I don't say anything to my adult dc. If she had been so interfering, I would have told her it was none of her business though.

You seem to have a strange idea of how you judge someone's worth.

He may be doing her the honour of recognising she is an independent adult, more than capable of making her own arrangements. A 20 minute walk is nothing and rain is why they invented raincoat and umbrellas.

I'm pretty old by MN standards and the first serious boyfriend I had who had a car was my now husband whom I met aged 27. I also had a car and owned my own place so he did travel to see me twice a week (1.5 hours) as he lived with his family, not because I couldn't get around without his help.

Just to add, I voted your original post unreasonable because it sounded like you had ridiculous old-fashioned expectations about relationships, but reading your other posts, I do agree that young men can unreasonable and disrespectful in expecting the woman to make all the running without putting in effort themselves. Of course, your dd needs to find someone who will treat her with respect, and to be able to see the red flags when it isn't there.

Late to the thread but I think many posters on here have missed the point. This isn’t a feminist issue or a princess-won’t-walk issue. This is about respect and consideration.

My son or husband would’ve insisted he drove me and would do the same for any family member (even the men). It’s not hard to be courteous and caring.

I dumped a boyfriend once who said he wouldn’t meet me from the bus stop as it was ‘only a two minute walk to his house’. Fuck that. If they can’t be bothered at the beginning of a relationship what hope?

YANBU op. I’m glad it worked out but good for you to look out for your dd and make sure she’s treated with care and respect. Our dds deserve no less.

Omg it's a third date.
She should always make sure she can get to and from the place independent ly.
She doesn't know this person

Have I just landed in the 1950s? The little lady has to be picked up because it's raining or dark?

As we're now in the 21st century, I would expect anyone, male or female to treat another like a capable human who can get themselves to B, 15 minutes walk from A, without needing a chivalrous male to come galloping to his/her rescue on a gleaming white stallion and rescue him/her in his car. It's a matter of showing some respect.

Thanks for all your replies. She’s rang me this morning to say she had lovely time. He walked her to her Uber home and held the door open for her. He’s nice and respectful and is talking about where to take her out for their next date. She did not stay the night as she had work this morning.

Really? Or has she just told you that because she knows it's what you would want to hear.

Thanks for your reply@Noclothestowear She did actually share some further information that I chose not to include in my previous post. My role as a mum was to listen and not judge, suffice to say he seems respectful of her wishes to take things slowly. I am grateful that we have a lovely open relationship and will listen to what she wants to share. I appreciate that a 19 year old does not want to disclose details to her mum about her physical relationships as it is none of my business. I am more than happy that she is capable of making decisions that suit her and her partner without my interference.

My role as a mum was to listen and not judge

So if you know that, why have you started a thread to judge ?

I agree!
I also think that any isolated incident is really too small to deduce a man's entire personality from.
So many precious flowers here, including a PP saying a man should meet them at a bus stop 2 min walk away 'because effort'... why?

Thinking about myself (and while I'm married to a man I have dated women, so the whole 'only men should be trying to impress' doesn't count). I'm very logical so I wouldn't be offering to walk someone for no reason. But I notice when they're upset and will listen, definitely reliable in an emergency, etc etc.

Perhaps that's getting a bit too far of myself but the small things are not always a giveaway!