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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To advise my dd that she should expect to be picked up in the car for a date?

166 replies

Hellandhighwaters · 22/09/2023 19:23

I have just been informed by my lovely dd (age 19) that she is going on a third date tonight. I am lucky that she chats about her dating life and I genuinely never pry or ask her for too many details.

She is a university student (as is the lad she is seeing). She’s just messaged me to tell me he has made last minute plans and asked her to come to his tonight. It’s raining, so she is deciding whether to walk or get an uber. This is where we disagree - the lad she is seeing has a car and it will be a 15/20 minute walk for her, but would be less than a five minute drive for him to pick her up and take her back to his.

He sounds nice enough and they have had a pub date and also been out shopping together on their second date (when he did drive and they went back to hers). She’s taking things really slowly with this boy after having a really horrible dating experience in her first year at uni. However, aibu to think it is not very gentlemanly that he has not at least offered to pick her up (in view of the weather). She genuinely does not mind walking and goes everywhere on foot normally as a skint student, so she got annoyed when I suggested that it was a bit lazy of him to expect her to walk to his in the rain, without the offer of a lift. I said that back in the day, all my boyfriends who wanted to see me came to pick me up in their cars (before I passed my test) even to go on local short journeys. Am I just old fashioned and aibu? She has just said that if he isn’t drinking and doesn’t offer to run her home later then that will be a red flag!

OP posts:
pizzaHeart · 23/09/2023 00:23

aurynne · 22/09/2023 23:09

I wouldn't want a third date picking me up at 19 y.o., to begin with, because I wouldn't want him to know where I live.

I meet my dates in the place where we are meeting each other. Which, on a third date, won't be the guy's home. If you're worried about safety, perhaps this is what you should be bringing up with your DD?

It would be my view as well.
I understand and share your concern about his lack of effort when it’s raining and dark. However on a third date I wouldn’t go into guy’s house lift or not , unless it’s someone whom I know well from before.

I do hope I’m wrong and it’s ok, just realities of modern life with parking etc.

fridaynight1 · 23/09/2023 00:25

My DH (of 30+ years) would have absolutely insisted he was picking me up.

30 years later- it’s sad that your DD (and my 3 DD’s) don’t have the same experience.

Very glad I’m not in the dating game today.

Hope your DD knows what he’s expecting …

Iateallthechocolate · 23/09/2023 00:46

I'm so old I would have expected him to walk me there and back if he didn't drive me. (And bring a large umbrella) So my opinion is well out of date.

DaisyWaldron · 23/09/2023 06:06

If someone offered to drive me a 16 minute walk,and I didn't have an illness or disability that affected my ability to walk or cycle, it would really put me off. I would assume that they were either lazy and wasteful and regularly drove short distances, or that they had very rigid gender expectations around dating, and I wouldn't be interested in anything long- term with someone with either of those attitudes.

Ascendant15 · 23/09/2023 06:09

You are far too involved in your daughters life. He's a boyfriend, not a taxi service. And it's not really your place to be commenting.

Simonjt · 23/09/2023 06:45

He’s a date, not a taxi service, surely she should be putting effort in, not relying on someone else to do everything for her and expecting her mere presence to be considered effort.

Old enough to date, old enough to get there yourself.

Also these people with a date who insisted on things, please don’t praise someone who finds if appropriate to already be controlling someone at the dating stage.

NumberTheory · 23/09/2023 07:17

I get the issue with wanting to be sure he’s prepared to put some effort in. I think there is a problem with having a rigid idea about how that effort presents.

Maybe he doesn’t drive over to pick her up when he’s been working late, but he does remember to call when she has something important going on; has already planned and shopped for her favourite drink/food/etc. to have in; chooses music/film/whatever that he knows she likes because he listens when she talks; goes where she wants to go half the time rather than only seeing her if she’s prepared to do what he wants.

If she’s not very good at identifying when she’s being used as she’s convenient, a proxy like getting lifts may be a reasonable starting point. But I think it’s important that she understand that it’s a proxy for interest/respect, not actually an integral part of interest/respect.

WandaWonder · 23/09/2023 07:37

It is not the 1950's does he have to pay for her and by a corsage?

She is old enough to date she is old enough to manage it herself

DisquietintheRanks · 23/09/2023 07:43

It's interesting. If she had the car and he refused to walk 20 min to see her, what would you think of him? Would you think he's not they bothered?

MissTrip82 · 23/09/2023 07:50

PiscesScot · 22/09/2023 22:35

We know it's often not safe for women in the streets. Why shouldn't a woman reasonably expect the man she's dating to
be cognisant of that, and at least offer to reduce the risk?

That doesn't take away from your point, I agree that many of us just suck it up and get on with it alone Smile

Show quote history

It’s far more often unsafe with a man women know, in a home environment.

Astonishing that there are still women who don’t know this.

PiscesScot · 23/09/2023 07:53

@MissTrip82

Oh no, I'm extremely aware of that!

ButtonSister · 23/09/2023 07:57

"Back in my day"? Are you Sandy from Grease?

NoNeedToHurry · 23/09/2023 08:00

I wonder if your DD comes across as super confident and independent (a great thing if she has, obvs!) And the chap is worried about offending / patronising her by suggesting she needs to be picked up for a 15 min walk? When I was in my dating years I made it very clear that I was not a woman who NEEDED a man, dating was fun and equal, I was an independent woman etc etc (I suspect I was actually a bit of a nob 😂) and I can think of a couple of guys I dated in uni who would have thought twice about offering me a lift for such a short journey as they'd have got short thrift back 😂 poor chaps if they tried to pull my chair out for me I'd be like, uh I have ARMS 😂

I wonder if he has said something like "you ok to walk over here?" And she has said haha of course it's only 15 mins.

I'd find it weird now if someone offered to leave their house less than a mile away and drive to get me!

Shinyandnew1 · 23/09/2023 08:06

as a skint student

I would imagine he’s a ‘skint student’ as well and wants to use petrol sparingly.

FUPAgirl · 23/09/2023 08:08

Hmm I guess he could have at least met her halfway on foot, if she is walking. It is a tricky one, it is annoying to be expected to give people lifts all the time and I am sure he likes time off from being the driver so he can relax and have a drink or whatever. But on the other hand, my 14 year old son always walks to meet his girlfriend and walks her home after, as it is basic manners.

I dunno, I would say reserve judgement and don't let one minor thing influence how she feels about him.

Goodornot · 23/09/2023 08:09

She’s taking things really slowly with this boy after having a really horrible dating experience in her first year at uni.

She's accepted a last minute change of plans and is going back to his...

It's quite rude to change plans and say just come to mine. I'd not go and see him at all.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 23/09/2023 08:17

I see the pick mes are out in force 😂.

I’m sorry but no way would I be walking in the rain/dark to a bloke I’d been seeing five minutes’ house as a last minute thing. He clearly just wants a low effort shag ffs.

🙄 at the women who think they’re being cool and independent. Sorry love but in these situations 9/10 the woman is being used for the man’s convenience.

pavillion1 · 23/09/2023 08:19

shorttwoshot · 22/09/2023 19:37

I really don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would think exactly the same, it's a complete lack of effort on his part. At the point in a relationship when he should be making extra effort!

I would offer to pick anyone up in that scenario rather than just waiting in for them.

Walking on her own in the dark is dangerous, and women getting taxis alone isn't the best, although much safer with Uber than it used to be.

You're doing the right thing xxx

agreed

Diamondcurtains · 23/09/2023 08:19

Spaghettihulahoops · 22/09/2023 19:28

Why would he offer to run her home, surely he would prefer she stayed?

A bit presumptuous!

Diamondcurtains · 23/09/2023 08:20

I completely agree with you. It’s just the nice thing to do. If my daughter drive and her bf didn’t I’d also think the same.

ilovesooty · 23/09/2023 08:22

YaWeeFurryBastard · 23/09/2023 08:17

I see the pick mes are out in force 😂.

I’m sorry but no way would I be walking in the rain/dark to a bloke I’d been seeing five minutes’ house as a last minute thing. He clearly just wants a low effort shag ffs.

🙄 at the women who think they’re being cool and independent. Sorry love but in these situations 9/10 the woman is being used for the man’s convenience.

I see the sneering is going on at other women who just happen to have a different opinion to you.

Redbrickrebel · 23/09/2023 08:34

OP, I can see you are only picking out the responses that have match your already pre determined position on this. And being slightly sarcastic about any others.

Your descriptive words for your daughter show you have her high on a pedestal, and I would imagine your interference here is irritating and unwelcome to her.

Let her live her life and bloody walk 15 mins - she probably is judging this new bloke on performative gestures like unnecessarily driving to collect her when he could be cooking, tidying up etc

Yeah, I think she's got this covered without your help!

DisquietintheRanks · 23/09/2023 08:43

Walking on her own in the dark is dangerous

Walking on your own in the dark is not inherently or even particularly dangerous but acting as though it is, regardless of time or place or circumstances, is exceptionally limiting.

LuckyStone · 23/09/2023 08:43

With some of these replies here its plain to see why so many women on mumsnet end up posting about their very shitty relationships.

Don't listen to these ppl OP. He is being a lazy arse just after sex, very clear to see.

IkeaMeatballGravy · 23/09/2023 08:48

He doesn't sound bothered. Why has he made last minute plans if they were meant to be having a date?

I wouldn't walk 15 minutes in the rain just to be a booty call for some bloke I had only met twice.