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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am being unreasonable, but what do you think anyway?

117 replies

iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:45

DP are in our 30s, have been together for 4 years, own a house and have a 1 year old.

But ever since we've been together, he's never made any effort for birthdays or Christmas, usually resorting to saying "let's not bother getting anything for each other this year", except he says that every year and always has done.

It doesn't bother me enough to cause any drama, but I am aware that he used to whisk his ex off for surprise weekend breaks, decorate the house, generally make a big effort. Sure, that was a different relationship and I'm sure the dynamics were very different, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling that I'd quite like to get something more than "let's not bother this year" when I'm supposed to be his person for life (his words, not mine).

I'm definitely being unreasonable to make comparisons but I'm still interested to know if anyone else would bat an eyelid in this situation.

OP posts:
1willgetthere · 22/09/2023 10:49

I think YABU as you aren't speaking up
"Shall we not bother this year?" Reply from ex "actually I would like to go away for the weekend"

LolaJ87 · 22/09/2023 10:50

Well have you said it to him?

"I'd actually really like to make a fuss of eachother this year, make it special for eachother". He might think you're not into fuss. He may feel money is tighter these days. He won't know what you want unless you tell him.

Goldenbear · 22/09/2023 10:51

That's crap but I suppose if he has never been like that then why did you think he would change?

Sunshineclouds11 · 22/09/2023 10:53

Why is the he the one who decides to not do presents etc?

You say 'let's do presents this year'

theemmadilemma · 22/09/2023 10:53

I kind of agree with the above.

I'm terrible for this. DH said to me not a few days ago I needed to speak up more at times. I tend to let things piss me off and say nothing. Well nothing will change then will it? How's he supposed to know if I say nothing? Mind reading?

So yes, at least start with a conversation.

AMuser · 22/09/2023 10:53

Jeez. Just use your words rather than simmering in resentment.

Tell him that the thought and effort involved in getting each other gifts, surprise trips and so on means a lot to you. That you’d like it if you could both focus on showing each other acts of kindness and thoughtfulness particularly now you are parents.

Doing that is not causing “drama” - it’s asking for your needs to be met in an open & healthy way. It’s interesting that you use the word drama though. Is there something in your past or in this relationship that suggests to you having an honest conversation is causing drama?

Original poster
iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:55

I admit I've never told him I would like him to do something special for me, but he is very much aware that I'm a very thoughtful surprise kind of person by the kinds of gestures I've done for my parents and for his own 30th. He claims he's just not that sort of person, which would be fair enough as some people aren't, but it's the knowing he's previously been like that with someone else that makes it feel like a bit of a cop out. I just don't want to make the comparison and seem like I'm jealous of his ex.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 22/09/2023 10:58

He played the part until you were safely bagged and now he doesn't see the need.
Put the lazy bastard straight. No, I like a fuss and I want to be cherished on my birthday.

BrawnWild · 22/09/2023 10:59

All you need to do is say that you do want to bother. If he doesnt after that then it's a problem.

I'm not trying to be a cow to you but perhaps his ex didn't accept "let's not bother" so its it that he necessarily wanted to do it, he just knew the score.

I think as you get older sometimes you feel differently as well.

BubziOwl · 22/09/2023 11:01

I agree with PPs but I do get why you haven't said anything, OP.

I want to be made of a fuss of because my husband wants to. When he does it because I've asked him to, it just doesn't really mean much to me.

I know that's unreasonable, but there it is!

BrawnWild · 22/09/2023 11:01

You dont need to drag his ex into it.

Just clearly say:

I appreciate that you enjoy more relaxed birthdays and of thats what you want, I'm happy to make sure you get what you want on your birthday. But I've been having a think and I realise how much effort I put into family birthdays and I'd really like to be treated that way on my birthday. Goin forward, please can you arrange a few treats and surprises as what I want for my birthdays is to be made to feel special.

CalistoNoSolo · 22/09/2023 11:07

I wouldn't have continued a relationship with a man who made more fuss of his ex than of me. I think that's really shit actually, but if he's always been like that with you then it's on you. I agree with PP who say that expecting someone who hasn't ever bothered to suddenly start bothering without actually having a convo with them about it is ridiculous not to mention really childish.

GyozaGirl · 22/09/2023 11:10

My DH was a bit shit about gifts and I most certainly made it known, I also whisked him away for a surprise 30th. So we had a sort of bit useless for a couple of years on his part with me then pointing it out very directly.

Goldenbear · 22/09/2023 11:11

What's he like generally - loving a good person, good Dad?

My DH does buy me amazing gifts and takes me out for my birthday, books things but sometimes I wonder whether it is a bit of guilt as he works away loads and I don't really have him by side the week to help with my DC, the house etc. He is a good man and father but sometimes I think he thinks the material things will help. I mean don't get me wrong I love jewellery and nice things so they do help but yes get a bit lonely.

theemmadilemma · 22/09/2023 11:19

You realise there's the possibilty he was brow beaten into doing it by his ex and is now breathing a sigh of relief?

I mean if you express it's important and you would now like a little more effort and he doesn't follow through, then you have an issue.

TrailingLoellia · 22/09/2023 11:25

I think you need to say something if you want him to celebrate birthdays and Christmas more than you are. He probably is a no fuss person but was doing more because it was important to his ex. Unless he left his ex for this reason, you should have no worries about asking for more celebration.

NoSquirrels · 22/09/2023 11:29

I don’t see why you can’t ask him why he never makes the effort with you but did di so in the past.

I expect you’d get an answer along the lines of ‘but that’s what I love about you - ex was so high-maintenance and never satisfied and I love that you don’t make me do that’ or something similar.

To which you can reply ‘Fair enough but sometimes I’d really love a bit of a surprise…’

NoSquirrels · 22/09/2023 11:30

I'd quite like to get something more than "let's not bother this year"

You do need to tell him this, though. Christmas is the ideal opportunity to do so.

foulksmills · 22/09/2023 11:33

How do you know what he and his ex did?

OhComeOnFFS · 22/09/2023 11:35

Oh I would definitely have brought this up the very first time he did bugger all.

ManateeFair · 22/09/2023 11:35

I am aware that he used to whisk his ex off for surprise weekend breaks, decorate the house, generally make a big effort.

Maybe he only did that because she made his life a misery if she didn't, and he actually hated it and thought it was all fake and a complete ballache! However, I can absolutely see why this bothers you and I think you do need to have a conversation with him about it. If he thinks you genuinely don't mind about this sort of thing, he probably doesn't realise that it's a bit hurtful. If he's kind and caring in other ways and you know that he loves you, then I'm sure he'll be receptive to a chat about how you feel a bit unloved and would appreciate it if you both made a little bit of effort to celebrate for birthdays and Christmas.

C1N1C · 22/09/2023 11:38

What do you do for him? It's OK saying he doesn't put much effort on, but do you make a big deal out of his birthdays regardless of him saying no?

Many relationships settle onto a routine as both sides often think they don't need to woo the other... but if one side starts, usually the other steps up.

Tumbler2121 · 22/09/2023 11:39

I notice that the things he did for his ex all benefited him as much as her ... is it also likely that she paid?

TotalOverhaul · 22/09/2023 11:39

I would hate this. I have never understood people who don't want to make an effort to show their appreciation of their loved ones. It doesn't have to be exhausting and bank-breaking. It's not hard to book a weekend away, or a nice restaurant. If money is tight, you can up make a stunning bouquet of flowers for under a tenner from Lidl! Why do people insist on being joyless?

Testina · 22/09/2023 11:43

Why did you buy and house and have a baby with someone who you haven’t discussed this with?

“He is very much aware that I'm a very thoughtful surprise kind of person by the kinds of gestures I've done for my parents and for his own 30th”

That doesn’t mean anything. I love treating people (materially or with thought or time) but I’m awkward as hell receiving and genuinely happy not to have any fuss.

I think @lolaj87 nailed it. Why can’t you just say, “you know what - I actually love all the present and surprise stuff so no, let’s do it this year.”