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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am being unreasonable, but what do you think anyway?

117 replies

iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:45

DP are in our 30s, have been together for 4 years, own a house and have a 1 year old.

But ever since we've been together, he's never made any effort for birthdays or Christmas, usually resorting to saying "let's not bother getting anything for each other this year", except he says that every year and always has done.

It doesn't bother me enough to cause any drama, but I am aware that he used to whisk his ex off for surprise weekend breaks, decorate the house, generally make a big effort. Sure, that was a different relationship and I'm sure the dynamics were very different, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling that I'd quite like to get something more than "let's not bother this year" when I'm supposed to be his person for life (his words, not mine).

I'm definitely being unreasonable to make comparisons but I'm still interested to know if anyone else would bat an eyelid in this situation.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 22/09/2023 11:44

iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:55

I admit I've never told him I would like him to do something special for me, but he is very much aware that I'm a very thoughtful surprise kind of person by the kinds of gestures I've done for my parents and for his own 30th. He claims he's just not that sort of person, which would be fair enough as some people aren't, but it's the knowing he's previously been like that with someone else that makes it feel like a bit of a cop out. I just don't want to make the comparison and seem like I'm jealous of his ex.

Fuck that I'd be having the conversation me.

Does he make any effort at all in your relationship is the question. Does he make you feel special in any other way or is he just a lazy git?

BabaPixi · 22/09/2023 11:51

I think YABU for thinking that YABU. Its not unreasonable at all for someone to show a little generosity by gifting you something on a birthday etc. Have a word with him.

Janieforever · 22/09/2023 11:57

I really think you’re unreasonable if you can’t use your words and actually say you’d like to do something.

the question is why can’t you? There is something very wrong in a relationship if you can’t even have this basic communication. And the whole well he knows I’m a thoughtful person doesn’t cut it. You can’t agree with him and then whinge behind his back.

as said, why do you just go along with it and are too scared to articulate your needs?

Dishwashersaurous · 22/09/2023 12:02

Use your words.

" for my birthday this year I'd like you to take me away for the weekend. I'd like you to organise it and the whole thing be a surprise. Just tell me what to pack."

How does he know that's what you want of you've never told him

CultsRbad · 22/09/2023 12:03

pictoosh · 22/09/2023 10:58

He played the part until you were safely bagged and now he doesn't see the need.
Put the lazy bastard straight. No, I like a fuss and I want to be cherished on my birthday.

Except OP said:

"But ever since we've been together, he's never made any effort for birthdays or Christmas, usually resorting to saying "let's not bother getting anything for each other this year", except he says that every year and always has done."

It wasn't even a long OP. Are posters genuinely lacking in reading comprehension or just don't bother reading anyway before offering their sweeping judgements?

FloweryName · 22/09/2023 12:04

Maybe he feels like he did all that with his ex and it still didn’t work out so what’s the point if he doesn’t enjoy doing it?

It is silly to compare your relationship to the one he had with his ex. That relationship didn’t work.

Notthisagainpart2 · 22/09/2023 12:08

Goldenbear · 22/09/2023 10:51

That's crap but I suppose if he has never been like that then why did you think he would change?

But OP has saying he has changed compared to how he was previously

OP did he spend too much money or get into debt or have his money habits changed?

just tell him what you think. If you can't do this then that's a bigger issue

Cordeliathecat · 22/09/2023 12:09

iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:55

I admit I've never told him I would like him to do something special for me, but he is very much aware that I'm a very thoughtful surprise kind of person by the kinds of gestures I've done for my parents and for his own 30th. He claims he's just not that sort of person, which would be fair enough as some people aren't, but it's the knowing he's previously been like that with someone else that makes it feel like a bit of a cop out. I just don't want to make the comparison and seem like I'm jealous of his ex.

But maybe he tried that line with his ex and she was like “hell no! You better come up with a lovely surprise/gift/trip or else”?

Whereas you have said “sure, no problem” and quietly stewed?

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 22/09/2023 12:11

iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:55

I admit I've never told him I would like him to do something special for me, but he is very much aware that I'm a very thoughtful surprise kind of person by the kinds of gestures I've done for my parents and for his own 30th. He claims he's just not that sort of person, which would be fair enough as some people aren't, but it's the knowing he's previously been like that with someone else that makes it feel like a bit of a cop out. I just don't want to make the comparison and seem like I'm jealous of his ex.

Yes, but what he needs to acknowledge is that you ARE that sort of person. He might not care about receiving cards or gifts on significant occasions. Fine.

But, like millions of other people, you do care. He needs to realise that by him not bothering with thoughtful gestures, you feel he doesn't care about your feelings.

Whataretheodds · 22/09/2023 12:13

He claims he's just not that sort of person

But you are. Did he reject the gift you gave him?

IMustDoMoreExercise · 22/09/2023 12:14

My husband was married to his ex for 20 years and had to buy her lots of gifts.

I can't be bothered with all that and he is so happy that he does not have to do that any more.

It is a complete waste of time and money. If he doesn't want to do it then don't force him.

If you want to carry on buying gifts then do it but don't expect him to.

If you really can't cope without gifts then leave him.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 22/09/2023 12:16

iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:55

I admit I've never told him I would like him to do something special for me, but he is very much aware that I'm a very thoughtful surprise kind of person by the kinds of gestures I've done for my parents and for his own 30th. He claims he's just not that sort of person, which would be fair enough as some people aren't, but it's the knowing he's previously been like that with someone else that makes it feel like a bit of a cop out. I just don't want to make the comparison and seem like I'm jealous of his ex.

There is a reason why she is ex. She was probably too demanding, (just like my husband's ex).

Onedayatattime · 22/09/2023 12:17

YANBU but just speak up and say how you feel and what sort of thing you'd like.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 22/09/2023 12:17

fiddlesticksandotherwords · 22/09/2023 12:11

Yes, but what he needs to acknowledge is that you ARE that sort of person. He might not care about receiving cards or gifts on significant occasions. Fine.

But, like millions of other people, you do care. He needs to realise that by him not bothering with thoughtful gestures, you feel he doesn't care about your feelings.

Show quote history

But why on earth should he do something he doesn't want to do.

If she wants to, then fine, but why force other people to waste their time looking for gifts?

IMustDoMoreExercise · 22/09/2023 12:18

FloweryName · 22/09/2023 12:04

Maybe he feels like he did all that with his ex and it still didn’t work out so what’s the point if he doesn’t enjoy doing it?

It is silly to compare your relationship to the one he had with his ex. That relationship didn’t work.

Exactly this.

He's probably had enough of buying gifts.

Workawayxx · 22/09/2023 12:19

I think I'd calmly raise it again and when he says "I'm just not into all that fuss..." then say "how come you did lots of stuff for xxx birthdays etc?". Not in an accusatory way but just enquiring? I do think it's shit that he did it previously and now pretends not to be that kind of person. If she was some sort of tyrant (I doubt it) who forced him into it or she set it all up herself for social media purposes or whatever then he can explain that to you.

Does he make other effort in the relationship with you? Do you feel loved in other ways?

IMustDoMoreExercise · 22/09/2023 12:20

Dishwashersaurous · 22/09/2023 12:02

Use your words.

" for my birthday this year I'd like you to take me away for the weekend. I'd like you to organise it and the whole thing be a surprise. Just tell me what to pack."

How does he know that's what you want of you've never told him

But perhaps he doesnt' want to do that. If he did, he would have done it, like he did with his ex.

Also, "use your words" is so partronising.

Alopeciabop · 22/09/2023 12:21

Not unreasonable to be jealous and irritated by ex getting stuff and you not.

just ask point blank and say what made you do that in your last relationship? Then stare blankly waiting for an answer. If he acts like a teenager and strips off and deflects well….

if he says she was demanding just say well I’d like to demand the same treatment as I actually do like a fuss being made of me. Thank you.

short and sweet.

be prepared for it to bring up more questions than you’d like though

IMustDoMoreExercise · 22/09/2023 12:21

Sunshineclouds11 · 22/09/2023 10:53

Why is the he the one who decides to not do presents etc?

You say 'let's do presents this year'

Because he doesn't want to do it so of course he should decide.

There is nothing stopping her from doing it if she wants to.

Why should he be forced to waste his time when he doesn't want to.

He had enough with his ex and doesnt' want to start again.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 22/09/2023 12:23

Alopeciabop · 22/09/2023 12:21

Not unreasonable to be jealous and irritated by ex getting stuff and you not.

just ask point blank and say what made you do that in your last relationship? Then stare blankly waiting for an answer. If he acts like a teenager and strips off and deflects well….

if he says she was demanding just say well I’d like to demand the same treatment as I actually do like a fuss being made of me. Thank you.

short and sweet.

be prepared for it to bring up more questions than you’d like though

Do you really think he wants to be with a demanding woman who forces him to do things he doesn't want to do?

Unless he is desperate, I very much doubt it.

Sunshineclouds11 · 22/09/2023 12:27

*Because he doesn't want to do it so of course he should decide.

There is nothing stopping her from doing it if she wants to.

Why should he be forced to waste his time when he doesn't want to.

He had enough with his ex and doesnt' want to start again*
*
I meant why's he deciding for them both.
Would be pretty sad if she was only to buy him and he got her nothing.*

plumtreebroke · 22/09/2023 12:33

Isn't it the point that you do something you know your DP would like even if (or even because) it's not something you might usually do but it would surprise and please your DP. 'I'm not that sort of person', is a cop out of ever putting yourself out a bit for someone else.

Toomanyemails · 22/09/2023 12:35

iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:55

I admit I've never told him I would like him to do something special for me, but he is very much aware that I'm a very thoughtful surprise kind of person by the kinds of gestures I've done for my parents and for his own 30th. He claims he's just not that sort of person, which would be fair enough as some people aren't, but it's the knowing he's previously been like that with someone else that makes it feel like a bit of a cop out. I just don't want to make the comparison and seem like I'm jealous of his ex.

OP my DP is like this, he struggles a lot with getting gifts for me and anyone else. It's genuinely stressful and difficult for him, and the fact that I (like you) am 'good at gifts' and gestures adds to the pressure.

What is your DP like generally? I don't mind the presents much because mine shows me he's thinking of me in other ways all the time, he does more housework/cooking on a practical level of care, is a huge supporter of my work and my personal goals, and is generally kind and thoughtful in his actions and words.

But with the presents, even if it doesn't come naturally, if you tell him it's important to you, he should make an effort. My DP does after I've told him it matters to me (and equally I make an effort to get better at doing things that matter to him, eg being tidier!). In fact we recently both ended up getting each other the exact same surprise present, for a small occasion I didn't think he would bother marking

Forget about the ex, that's not the important part. He may have felt pressured, or he may feel that your relationship is deeper so presents aren't important, or he may have had more time and been reckless with money when younger. Talk to him!

Alopeciabop · 22/09/2023 12:35

IMustDoMoreExercise · 22/09/2023 12:23

Do you really think he wants to be with a demanding woman who forces him to do things he doesn't want to do?

Unless he is desperate, I very much doubt it.

Show quote history

No you’re definitely right - I guess that’s why his ex is his ex. But I do believe this woman should get a bit of a fuss made of her for her birthday and a nice present on Christmas. Or a thoughtful card. Or it will lead to resentment on her side. And I think it’s ok to want to celebrate and be celebrated. It’s not childish or demanding.

I knew a woman (not a particularly pleasant one) who complained because her husband threw her a small party (30 people ish) and only bought her a bag (£5000)…. Now that is demanding.

wanting a card and a gift. Or the odd weekend away is not what I call demanding. It’s all different levels I guess.

Raffington55 · 22/09/2023 12:37

iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:45

DP are in our 30s, have been together for 4 years, own a house and have a 1 year old.

But ever since we've been together, he's never made any effort for birthdays or Christmas, usually resorting to saying "let's not bother getting anything for each other this year", except he says that every year and always has done.

It doesn't bother me enough to cause any drama, but I am aware that he used to whisk his ex off for surprise weekend breaks, decorate the house, generally make a big effort. Sure, that was a different relationship and I'm sure the dynamics were very different, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling that I'd quite like to get something more than "let's not bother this year" when I'm supposed to be his person for life (his words, not mine).

I'm definitely being unreasonable to make comparisons but I'm still interested to know if anyone else would bat an eyelid in this situation.

You are not being REMOTELY unreasonable