I am being unreasonable, but what do you think anyway?

[iabuik]

DP are in our 30s, have been together for 4 years, own a house and have a 1 year old.

But ever since we've been together, he's never made any effort for birthdays or Christmas, usually resorting to saying "let's not bother getting anything for each other this year", except he says that every year and always has done.

It doesn't bother me enough to cause any drama, but I am aware that he used to whisk his ex off for surprise weekend breaks, decorate the house, generally make a big effort. Sure, that was a different relationship and I'm sure the dynamics were very different, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling that I'd quite like to get something more than "let's not bother this year" when I'm supposed to be his person for life (his words, not mine).

I'm definitely being unreasonable to make comparisons but I'm still interested to know if anyone else would bat an eyelid in this situation.

Id tell him exactly what you want

eg a weekend away in a nice hotel in the Uk m just the two of us ( he needs to arrange a babysitter)

If you are not specific you will get a £1 card and some petrol station flowers.

Give him ONE chance to get it right. If he doesn’t step up, arrange things on your own with your friends / family for every other birthday and Christmas.

That was he won’t be forced to do birthdays / anniversaries / Christmas /Mother’s Day if he doesn’t want to.

that’s assuming you want to stay with lazy selfish man who can’t do something relatively small to please you.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable. It’s not unreasonable for anyone to hope that their partner will show them that they care about them, and treating/spoiling your partner is one way of doing this - portraying love and thoughtfulness.

What has your response been when he says it? If you seem to accept it happily I guess I can understand. While it makes sense to talk to him about it, I also think it completely defeats the object in this instance, the whole point of spoiling someone is because YOU chose to. Not because they had to ask you to do it. So I don’t think telling him to do it will make you feel any better.

Even without presents, he could make you feel special, cook dinner for you, make a fuss of you etc. I would be a bit upset too.

But I would hate to have to do that. I absolutely hate buying presents as I don't know what to buy.

I really don't think I could be with someone who wanted me to buy them presents and organise weekends away.

The OP likes doing that sort of thing, so she should carry on if she wants to but shouldn't force her OH to do it.

But you don't have to buy presents to show someone you care.

My ex would buy me cards and presents but was awful to me. It meant nothing.

You show love by being there for someone when they are ill etc.

I think it’s about the individual. You like all that stuff , as the op does, and wants it, for me, I honestly am not bothered, I would find it a royal pain in the arse if my husband expected me to be cooking special meals, buying him gifts and whisking him away on weekends, just to show I love him, and I’ve no desire for him to do that for me.

if however he said I really need you to start buying me stuff and doing things for me to prove you love me, I’d be a bit eeked out. If he said let’s do something special this year, shall we plan it together, I’d be like sure and be all for it. So for me, she should say something.

everhone is different.

That makes sense. I do kind of get what you mean as I'm really not a huggy person but my partner is and I have to remind myself to give a little bit for his sake but it does drive me a bit mad.

on the other hand, i do feel this case here is a bit different because he’s apparently done these things for his ex in the past. So why not now?

perhaps, as a PP suggested, he does just feel more comfortable being himself with OP and she hasn’t demanded and therefore he’s just being his natural self.

Lazy? He doesnt' want to do it. Why should he?

Unless there are other things that the OP doesn't like about him, then this is nothing.

Does he care about her? Does he treat her well when she is ill? Does he do his share of the chores and look after their child?

If he doesn't so those things, then yes, he is lazy.

Not wanting to buy presents in not lazy.

How do you know he did this with his ex? Does he tell you about it?

Yes, I think that is exactly it.

My husband hated every moment of his life with his ex for many reasons including that she wanted him to buy her presents and surprise her etc.

He couldn't easily leave as they had 3 small kids (she told he she was on the pill when she wasn't and he got a vasectomy after the 3rd when he realised she was lying) and he is a decent guy and didn't want to split until the kids were older.

Some people like buying presents others don't.

I seem to be of the few people that hates getting presents, so I'd be saying the same to mainly avoid that. Unless money is an issue, I don't see why you can't do a weekend away or something and I am guessing if you asked him to decorate the house together then he would. Lay down your cards, very possible he doesn't even know it bothers you.

The ex is neither here nor there. The only thing that matters is what you both want out of your current relationship. You clearly want to celebrate your Bday and Xmas. So tell him!

He’s not a mind reader. He asked you and you agreed to the ‘No bother’ thing. Tell him what you want.

When I first started dating my now DH he had to work on Easter, I had a lovely brunch with friends. After which I was damn near in tears that I didn’t have an Easter basket (First holiday away from family). While I was talking to him (poor guy called during my drama) he felt awful. I conceded he had no idea because I didn’t know that it was important to me but it clearly was important (even if it is silly).

Guess what I’ve had every year since that ill fated Easter?

The real question is why after 4 years with him do feel like you can’t be honest with him? I’m not saying LTB (especially since on the surface he’s done nothing wrong). But it’s really not normal in a healthy relationship to be so hesitant to bring up an issue.

But I think that he has made it perfectly clear that he does not want to do presents.

If she does, then she should do them.

Why should he be forced to do something he clearly doesn't want to do?

I assume that if she asked him then he would do it reluctantly but why should he?

The ex had higher standards and expected him to act right but you’ve been letting him slide by on the bare minimum that’s why you get nothing from him. Expect better because you’re worth better

Higher standards? Is that why she is an ex?

Probably, he found it too much work to keep up with her so he’s with someone easier who expects nothing

Well, I assume he must be ok otherwise the OP wouldn't be with him.

My husband is as perfect as I could ever wish for. If he did not want to buy me presents and weekends away it would not bother me.

Luckily I don't want them either, but if I did it would not be a deal breaker if everything else was great.

Also, I am sure that many of the men that women endlessly complain about on here buy presents.

So these presents mean absolutely nothing.

Buying a present takes no effort. Acting as a decent husband does.

@IMustDoMoreExercise I specifically said it is a way to show you care. Not THE way. I think it is hard to ignore special occasions of someone you care about and do absolutely nothing. I also said it’s not about presents or the easy act of buying something (as shown by your awful ex), but doing absolutely nothing comes across as thoughtless.

@Janieforever yes, the OP likes it and her partner has no reason to completely ignore her birthday. As a caring partner your default would be to show you care. If they say to you “actually I hate presents, cards, flowers, attention etc” (unlikely for someone to be in a relationship and NOT want to be shown any kind of care) then at that point you refrain from doing it. Or question why you’re in a relationship with a person you doesn’t want you to care for them! I wouldn’t want to have to ask someone to do that, I prefer someone to be thoughtful enough to want to (even if I then said it doesn’t matter).

@Zenwey

But how does buying a present show that you care if you are doing it against your will?

Some people like buying presents and others do not. Why must someone who doesn't like buying presents (like me) have to buy presents?

Assuming that each partner is going to spend the same amount on the other, what is the point of buying a presents for each other? You might as well buy what you want yourself.

Buying presents is just materialist and totally unnecessary in a relationship and it often just covers up the cracks in a relationship.

I also think that it is demeaning to women when they expect to be bought (expensive) presents in order to feel cared for.

@Zenwey

Also, if you really need your partner to buy you a present to help show that they care about you then there is something seriously wrong with your relationship.

"Actually, you know what I really enjoy making a day feel special and both giving and receiving it demonstrates that we've taken time to think about each other and know what makes the other person happy, so actually I'd like to celebrate properly and not feel like it's a normal day"

"Actually, I care and think about you every day. I try to make your life as happy as possible every day.

I really don't like buying presents and think that they are materialistic and unnecessary."

@IMustDoMoreExercise what on earth are you on about? You’re literally saying the opposite of what I’ve said. My reply was to the OP, and nothing to do with you, to say it’s not unreasonable for her to want her partner to be thoughtful.

I also have explicitly said TWICE that buying presents isn’t the be all and end all, it’s about showing you care. Nor is it just about birthdays. So stop putting words in my light or casting aspersions.

Buying presents or taking someone out for dinner is one way to show you love them; there are other ways too and a present isn’t a substitute for a good relationship but it’s part of it

No, you can have a healthy and loving relationship without presents as I do with my husband.

We are both so happy and relieved that we don't have to buy presents for anyone (we give children and grandchildren cash). for birthdays and Christmas. They are all grateful for the cash.