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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am being unreasonable, but what do you think anyway?

117 replies

iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:45

DP are in our 30s, have been together for 4 years, own a house and have a 1 year old.

But ever since we've been together, he's never made any effort for birthdays or Christmas, usually resorting to saying "let's not bother getting anything for each other this year", except he says that every year and always has done.

It doesn't bother me enough to cause any drama, but I am aware that he used to whisk his ex off for surprise weekend breaks, decorate the house, generally make a big effort. Sure, that was a different relationship and I'm sure the dynamics were very different, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling that I'd quite like to get something more than "let's not bother this year" when I'm supposed to be his person for life (his words, not mine).

I'm definitely being unreasonable to make comparisons but I'm still interested to know if anyone else would bat an eyelid in this situation.

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 16:31

BatshitCrazyWoman · 23/09/2023 15:58

Yes exactly. It's not making him do something he doesn't want to do, it's doing something his significant other really appreciates, to make her happy.

Show quote history

Sorry, meant to say:

How do you know he does want to do it? If he wanted to do it, surely he would do it and not get in there first to say that they shouldn't bother with presents

I hate buying presents and so do not.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 16:37

BatshitCrazyWoman · 23/09/2023 16:24

That's you and what you don't like. Neither of us knows whether he hates buying presents, likes buying presents or is indifferent.

Show quote history

Of course we do. If he liked buying presents (like the OP does), he would do it. Why would he not?

fuckssaaaaake · 23/09/2023 16:41

@IMustDoMoreExercise ok wow, sounds awful for you

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 16:43

BatshitCrazyWoman · 23/09/2023 16:24

That's you and what you don't like. Neither of us knows whether he hates buying presents, likes buying presents or is indifferent.

Show quote history

Of course we do. If he liked buying presents (like the OP does), he would do it. Why would he not?

And the OP has said that he knows exactly what she likes to do because of what she did for him and her family.

Unless he is completely ignorant, he knows that she would like presents but he does not want to get into the same routine of having to buy presents like he did with his ex because he did not like doing it, which I totally understand.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 16:48

fuckssaaaaake · 23/09/2023 16:41

@IMustDoMoreExercise ok wow, sounds awful for you

What does?

Nanny0gg · 23/09/2023 16:50

iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:55

I admit I've never told him I would like him to do something special for me, but he is very much aware that I'm a very thoughtful surprise kind of person by the kinds of gestures I've done for my parents and for his own 30th. He claims he's just not that sort of person, which would be fair enough as some people aren't, but it's the knowing he's previously been like that with someone else that makes it feel like a bit of a cop out. I just don't want to make the comparison and seem like I'm jealous of his ex.

I don't get why you won't discuss it with him.

fuckssaaaaake · 23/09/2023 16:52

@IMustDoMoreExercise how much you hate buying presents. Sounds like it really affects you

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 17:05

fuckssaaaaake · 23/09/2023 16:52

@IMustDoMoreExercise how much you hate buying presents. Sounds like it really affects you

Yes, I do because I have no idea what to buy. I have no imagination and am not materialistic so I have no idea what anyone would want.

It used to cause me so much stress that I just told everyone when I was in my early 20s that I did not want to buy or receive presents.

It has been bliss ever since.

Me and my husband always say how nice it is not to buy presents and that we can really enjoy Christmas.

fuckssaaaaake · 23/09/2023 18:42

@IMustDoMoreExercise k

OrdinaryGirl · 24/09/2023 07:00

You’re not being unreasonable. It’s not really about the presents / trips away at all.
You’re upset because on a deep level you are registering that his reluctance to make an effort isn’t because ‘he’s not that type of person’, because he used to do stuff like that for his ex.

There is no shortage of people on this thread coming up with a slew of explanations that bat away your concerns. But a guy in a relationship with a woman does what he wants to do - and will put effort into keeping his woman happy, only to the degree that he values her. Watch what a guy puts effort, time and money into and you’ll see what he values.

Please don’t try and reason away your very valid feelings about this situation. If you’re going to throw in your lot with someone, it should be a person who will put effort into celebrating you and making you feel special, just as you do for them.

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 24/09/2023 07:16

Look, you have a kid, a house together. You knew what type of man he is no?
My DH is the same, I literally have to tell him, send links and reminders if I want a gift 😂 I have an amazon wishlist too.
He is bad at gifts and surprises, causes him anxiety and hates doing it. Should I force him, just because “I want to feel special”?
He makes me feel special in his own ways, like noticing when I got my hair done or cleans the kitchen, even when it’s my turn.
Material gifts are fucking overrated anyways.

Imisssleep2 · 24/09/2023 07:34

I would be put out too, when he says this, say actually I think it's nice to do nice things for birthdays, maybe leave Xmas as it's for the kids really, we often do token gifts at Xmas and normal for birthdays, birthday's are personal and should be acknowledged at least. Just speak to him and say how you feel.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 24/09/2023 08:18

Ndhdiwntbsivnwg · 24/09/2023 07:16

Look, you have a kid, a house together. You knew what type of man he is no?
My DH is the same, I literally have to tell him, send links and reminders if I want a gift 😂 I have an amazon wishlist too.
He is bad at gifts and surprises, causes him anxiety and hates doing it. Should I force him, just because “I want to feel special”?
He makes me feel special in his own ways, like noticing when I got my hair done or cleans the kitchen, even when it’s my turn.
Material gifts are fucking overrated anyways.

A very sensible view.

I find it so sad that women need gifts on one day of the year to feel cared for. What about the other 364 days?

So many men treat their partners badly and seem to think they can make up for it by showing that they really do care by buying a present. The even sadder thing is that the women fall for it.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 24/09/2023 08:20

Imisssleep2 · 24/09/2023 07:34

I would be put out too, when he says this, say actually I think it's nice to do nice things for birthdays, maybe leave Xmas as it's for the kids really, we often do token gifts at Xmas and normal for birthdays, birthday's are personal and should be acknowledged at least. Just speak to him and say how you feel.

And if he says that he really doesn't want to do that then she should just leave it and not force him to do something he doesn't want to do.

Singleandfab · 24/09/2023 14:07

I know this sounds old-fashioned but have you thought about getting married? Do you want this man to be your ‘person for life?’ It seems he has got exactly what he needs on a plate and has to make absolutely no effort with you!

I know about this as I was in the same position! I decided he wasn’t my ‘person for life’ though as he let his full position become apparent just before the wedding, his opinion was, ‘Men and women aren’t equal and that’s where we go wrong! (Women)’

Hopefully this is just a case of not good communication on your part as others have suggested but if not and he thinks he doesn’t have to bother with you because he’s ‘got’ you because you have a house and a one year old now, then you may need to consider whether the relationship meets your needs.

Certainly I would want my husband, ‘person for life’, to ‘bother’ about me at Christmas and my birthday - and seems weird he doesn’t want to be ‘bothered’ about either! What kind of family did he grow up in?

Hope you can communicate better with him!

Sending Lots of love,
xxx

Sjh15 · 24/09/2023 18:27

Sounds like he’s a bit damaged from his previous relationship to me. Is there more to this, did he cause a huge fuss for her birthdays and she didn’t for his? Sounds like it’s more deep than not wanting to bother, and I very much doubt he’s doing it deliberately

ALJT · 25/09/2023 13:01

Speak up. My husband was bad for making an effort, he used to ask his mother or sister to get a gift for me.. I told him I wanted the effort from him.. now we both make an effort as I literally will celebrate anything! I think there’s enough negativity in life to pass up a chance to celebrate something haha

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