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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am being unreasonable, but what do you think anyway?

117 replies

iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:45

DP are in our 30s, have been together for 4 years, own a house and have a 1 year old.

But ever since we've been together, he's never made any effort for birthdays or Christmas, usually resorting to saying "let's not bother getting anything for each other this year", except he says that every year and always has done.

It doesn't bother me enough to cause any drama, but I am aware that he used to whisk his ex off for surprise weekend breaks, decorate the house, generally make a big effort. Sure, that was a different relationship and I'm sure the dynamics were very different, but it still doesn't stop me from feeling that I'd quite like to get something more than "let's not bother this year" when I'm supposed to be his person for life (his words, not mine).

I'm definitely being unreasonable to make comparisons but I'm still interested to know if anyone else would bat an eyelid in this situation.

OP posts:
IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 07:08

Shoxfordian · 23/09/2023 06:56

Buying presents or taking someone out for dinner is one way to show you love them; there are other ways too and a present isn’t a substitute for a good relationship but it’s part of it

Also are you talking about when people have separate finances?

What happens when people have joint finances?
Surely then presents and taking someone out for a meal means nothing as they are paying for half of it.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 07:28

Zenwey · 22/09/2023 23:05

@IMustDoMoreExercise what on earth are you on about? You’re literally saying the opposite of what I’ve said. My reply was to the OP, and nothing to do with you, to say it’s not unreasonable for her to want her partner to be thoughtful.

I also have explicitly said TWICE that buying presents isn’t the be all and end all, it’s about showing you care. Nor is it just about birthdays. So stop putting words in my light or casting aspersions.

But how is the OPs partner buying her a present when he doesn't like or want to buy her a present showing her that he cares?

So she says to him that she wants him to buy her a present and he does so.

Does that really slow her that he cares about her (especially if they have joint finances) or does it just show that he is doing what she asked him to do against his will.

If he wanted to buy presents then he would so why force him to?

If the OP is happy with their relationship in every other way then I cannot see why present are so important.

Shoxfordian · 23/09/2023 07:29

That’s great for you both if neither of you want presents but the op here does want them- she does care about birthdays; again great if you don’t but she does. Her partner therefore should care enough to get her something.

My dh and I have separate as well as joint finances so if I buy him something then it’s from my money not his

itsgettingweird · 23/09/2023 07:37

Yes to speaking up.

But another perspective is that as he sees you as his person for life he probably doesn't fee he's has to make big gestures. He's comfortable with you and doesn't feel like he has to do big things to keep you. That's not necessarily a bad thing but he needs to know how it makes you feel.

<disclaimer - this is based on a male friend telling me his wife was jealous of ex and explaining to me why he didnt spends a fortune on spoiling her. I did tell him to tell her not me!>

BatshitCrazyWoman · 23/09/2023 07:56

I get it, OP, you don't want to have to ask for him to celebrate your birthday, which is maybe why you've not said anything. It's not really about presents it's more about being thought of.

And we don't know that his ex was sone dreadful, demanding woman who forced him to do all that, against his will. He might have just wanted to. And if I were the OP, I'd find that hurtful, too.

Zenwey · 23/09/2023 09:36

@IMustDoMoreExercise Again, you’re failing to bother to read my posts. I also said that telling someone to do something takes away the point as that’s not them showing they are being thoughtful.

perhaps try reading what people put before coming in with utterly pointless replies.

If OP has someone that generally is thoughtless and doesn’t show her he cares, it’s probably time to reconsider the relationship.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 09:50

Zenwey · 23/09/2023 09:36

@IMustDoMoreExercise Again, you’re failing to bother to read my posts. I also said that telling someone to do something takes away the point as that’s not them showing they are being thoughtful.

perhaps try reading what people put before coming in with utterly pointless replies.

If OP has someone that generally is thoughtless and doesn’t show her he cares, it’s probably time to reconsider the relationship.

Ok, so you agree that there is no point in the OP telling her partner that she wants presents as it takes away the point.

Well, we both agree then.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 09:51

Shoxfordian · 23/09/2023 07:29

That’s great for you both if neither of you want presents but the op here does want them- she does care about birthdays; again great if you don’t but she does. Her partner therefore should care enough to get her something.

My dh and I have separate as well as joint finances so if I buy him something then it’s from my money not his

But why should her needs trump his?

He does not want to buy presents, she does want him to.

Why should she get her way and not him?

Zenwey · 23/09/2023 09:51

@IMustDoMoreExercise if you want to know my view on it, go and read my initial post properly 😂

saraclara · 23/09/2023 09:54

iabuik · 22/09/2023 10:55

I admit I've never told him I would like him to do something special for me, but he is very much aware that I'm a very thoughtful surprise kind of person by the kinds of gestures I've done for my parents and for his own 30th. He claims he's just not that sort of person, which would be fair enough as some people aren't, but it's the knowing he's previously been like that with someone else that makes it feel like a bit of a cop out. I just don't want to make the comparison and seem like I'm jealous of his ex.

Presumably his ex DID speak up and tell him what she needed from him in this regard.

You're expecting him to know that what you say to him and what you actually want are different things.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 10:00

BatshitCrazyWoman · 23/09/2023 07:56

I get it, OP, you don't want to have to ask for him to celebrate your birthday, which is maybe why you've not said anything. It's not really about presents it's more about being thought of.

And we don't know that his ex was sone dreadful, demanding woman who forced him to do all that, against his will. He might have just wanted to. And if I were the OP, I'd find that hurtful, too.

But surely she wants to be thought of every day of the year, not just one one day.

No, we do not know what his ex was like, but if he liked buying presents then he would have continued with the OP.

My husband hates buying presents but he had no choice with his ex because if he did not then she would give him such a hard time. He did not feel he could leave because of their 3 young dc.

The main point is, why should the OP's partner do something he does not want to do?

If he cares about her every day (like my husband does), why does she need him to buy her a present on her birthday to show that he cares?

If he doesn't care about her every day then get rid of him.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 10:40

saraclara · 23/09/2023 09:54

Presumably his ex DID speak up and tell him what she needed from him in this regard.

You're expecting him to know that what you say to him and what you actually want are different things.

Show quote history

Exactly, his ex spoke up and made him do something he did not want to do.

What exactly was the point of that? Everytime the ex got a present, she knew that he was only giving it to her because she asked him to.

Did the present show that he cared about his ex? No, it showed that he could buy something under duress and was not brave enough to say he did not want to do it because his ex would not accept it.

What kind of relationship is that? Why should anyone be forced to do something they don't want to do.

This is probably why he made a point to tell the OP that he did not want to buy presents probably because he thinks that they are a waste of time and money and mean nothing.

If the OP really can't cope with that, then she needs to leave him, not force him to do something the he does not want to do.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 10:47

Zenwey · 23/09/2023 09:51

@IMustDoMoreExercise if you want to know my view on it, go and read my initial post properly 😂

Why? I have literally just said what you said, so we agree.

You said:

"I also said that telling someone to do something takes away the point as that’s not them showing they are being thoughtful."

I agree with that. There is no point the OP forcing her partner to buy her presents if he does not want to as it takes away the point.

If she can't cope with it then she needs to leave him, which also exactly what you said.

So we agree.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 10:53

@Zenwey

Why are you so unhappy that we agree with each other? 😂

Zenwey · 23/09/2023 11:22

@IMustDoMoreExercise I’m not unhappy, it just seemed an incredible waste of time to have so much back and forth when you could have just read it in the first place lol

Shoxfordian · 23/09/2023 14:33

Why wouldn’t he want to buy her a present if it makes her happy? Comfortable is the enemy tbh: if it means making no effort and thinking everything is fine

fuckssaaaaake · 23/09/2023 15:08

theemmadilemma · 22/09/2023 10:53

I kind of agree with the above.

I'm terrible for this. DH said to me not a few days ago I needed to speak up more at times. I tend to let things piss me off and say nothing. Well nothing will change then will it? How's he supposed to know if I say nothing? Mind reading?

So yes, at least start with a conversation.

I agree. I ended up crying (alone) last Xmas because of the lack of effort, to be fair to him he's never celebrated as he's Muslim but he knows it means a lot to me and still did nothing because for the last few years I've said it's fine. I didn't say anything to him then cried alone so I've decided that this year I am not being so pathetic and telling him I would like a small show of love for me this Christmas as I was upset last year. As you say, they're not mind readers

fuckssaaaaake · 23/09/2023 15:11

@IMustDoMoreExercise I disagree. It shows he did care as even though it's not his usual style he did it anyway as he knew that's what she wanted

BatshitCrazyWoman · 23/09/2023 15:58

Shoxfordian · 23/09/2023 14:33

Why wouldn’t he want to buy her a present if it makes her happy? Comfortable is the enemy tbh: if it means making no effort and thinking everything is fine

Yes exactly. It's not making him do something he doesn't want to do, it's doing something his significant other really appreciates, to make her happy.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 16:08

fuckssaaaaake · 23/09/2023 15:11

@IMustDoMoreExercise I disagree. It shows he did care as even though it's not his usual style he did it anyway as he knew that's what she wanted

He did it for a quiet life just like my husband did for his ex. He did it because he had to. That is not caring.

If he liked buying presents, why on earth would he stop now? He stopped because he does not like doing it.

The OP does like buying presents so she should crack on.

fuckssaaaaake · 23/09/2023 16:10

@IMustDoMoreExercise I do things I don't like, like going to football or seeing my in-laws.. because it makes my husband happy! And he watches shit reality tv with me that he hates! Do you honestly never do anything you don't like doing even if it makes someone else happy?

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 16:16

fuckssaaaaake · 23/09/2023 16:10

@IMustDoMoreExercise I do things I don't like, like going to football or seeing my in-laws.. because it makes my husband happy! And he watches shit reality tv with me that he hates! Do you honestly never do anything you don't like doing even if it makes someone else happy?

Not if I really don't want to, no.

I hate, hate, hate buying presents and there is no way I would buy a present for anyone (unless I have a wedding gift list etc). I wil always give cash if I have to.

Of course, if it is a minor thing then I don't mind.

My husband loves Moto GP and if he asked me to go to it, I would go because it was a one off and I could cope with it. But I could not go every week because I find it too boring.

So we all do things we don't want to do, but not if it is too much for us.

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 16:19

BatshitCrazyWoman · 23/09/2023 15:58

Yes exactly. It's not making him do something he doesn't want to do, it's doing something his significant other really appreciates, to make her happy.

Show quote history

How do you know he does not want to do it?

I hate buying presents and so do not.

BatshitCrazyWoman · 23/09/2023 16:24

IMustDoMoreExercise · 23/09/2023 16:19

How do you know he does not want to do it?

I hate buying presents and so do not.

Show quote history

That's you and what you don't like. Neither of us knows whether he hates buying presents, likes buying presents or is indifferent.

theduchessofspork · 23/09/2023 16:26

You are only BU in not telling him how you want it to be.

If you want him to book a restaurant and bring flowers tell him. And what you want for a present.