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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Does this mean he is cheating?

133 replies

TheBrazies · 21/09/2023 17:04

DH and I have been together 6 years, 2 children 3 and 1 and twins on the way. He is a doctor, recently swapped speciality from Trauma Surgery to Emergency Medicine and is working at a different hospital so lots happening, new shift pattern etc.
Yesterday we went on a family day out with the kids, once we got into bed I asked for the pictures he'd taken on the day, he told me to send them to myself, gave me his phone, went to the bathroom to brush his teeth etc.
I sent myself the pictures then noticed a video which should have probably been in the hidden folder, from a few days before. He hadn't sent me the video (him masterbating essentially). Curiosity got the better of me so I watched it and he moaned another girls name throughout!!
Before I could investigate anymore he came back. I didn't want to get into a argument, I was tired and he had an early start so I didn't mention it to him.
Once he fell asleep I checked his phone, searched the name in his contact only one person came up (not really a common name). He frequently deletes all his messages so there wasn't much between them other than that days and the days before messages. The day before was all work based, yesterdays messages was just her sending a selfie clearly at work captioned "I don't have the energy for this today, going to be a drag without you". He replied "hahah you'll survive". At the end of the day she had sent a message sort of summarising her day in a funny way. He just replied with "didn't miss much then". So all very innocent. That was all on WhatsApp and it didn't go back as far as the day the video was taken.
I checked instagram, no messages between them there. On iMessage they seemed to talk music a lot, sending screenshots of Spotify playlists and it seem everyday she was sending him a Taylor Swift song to listen to and he was reviewing it.
So clearly they are atleast pretty good friends!! But he hasn't in almost two months ever mentioned her ?!! Put with the video I have a terrible feeling he is cheating!!
Im pregnant with twins so had no sex drive for a couple of months now and I checked instagram she is stunning!! And a doctor so clearly smart!
I told my friend and she said it doesn't necessarily mean his cheating but probably means he is atleast thinking about her while having his fun.
AIBU to think he is cheating? That he probably sent the video to her and they have probably being having sex too. He works in a massive hospital with a massive trauma centre which takes in a lot of severe cases so obviously there are times where he will genuinely be held up at work, but I wouldn't know how to tell if he was held up because of that or because he was with her?!
He won't be home for a while yet and I have no idea if I should mention it.

OP posts:
OhmygodDont · 21/09/2023 17:07

I mean taking that video and not sending it would be very weird. Though I also think calling someone’s name while wanking is strange unless that’s her kink I guess.

Id go out on a limb that there is at least sexting if not more. No man takes a wank video and doesn’t send it to someone unless he gets off over his own wanks.

Callyem · 21/09/2023 17:08

He took the video to send - there would be no point otherwise. They are either already having an affair or it is in the very early stages. Sorry you are going through this x

SunsetsAndSandwiches · 21/09/2023 17:10

Oh dear, so sorry you are confronted with this horrible situation.

If you haven't already done so, I would be tempted to take his phone again tonight and take photos of all the messages etc. Then maybe check again in a week or so and see whats on there?

It is sometimes helpful to arm yourself with all of the facts before you have a conversation, and hopefully you will already know the answer to your question, because if he is cheating and lies to you when you ask he will almost certainly cover his tracks much more carefully from then onwards.

I hope this really is an innocent friendship for your sake.

RatherBeRiding · 21/09/2023 17:12

Yes of course you should have a conversation about it! I'm sorry you've come across this - a young family to cope with and clear evidence that something is seriously amiss. Don't try to second guess what's going on - take photos of the evidence and confront him. I really can't see an innocent explanation I'm afraid.

Original poster
TheBrazies · 21/09/2023 17:19

Callyem · 21/09/2023 17:08

He took the video to send - there would be no point otherwise. They are either already having an affair or it is in the very early stages. Sorry you are going through this x

Yes I thought this too; my friend made me think I might just be overthinking, but you're right why take a video if not to send it.

OP posts:
PosterBoy · 21/09/2023 17:21

Yeah he's probably cheating.

It's not a great profession for being faithful.

Sorry that you have to go through this with young kids and pregnant as well.

Aria2015 · 21/09/2023 17:24

I agree that an innocent explanation seems almost impossible. I mean, what are the chances that he has a kink for watching videos of himself wanking while saying the name of a woman who isn't his wife? Couple that with the fact that this a someone he works with and has regular contact with (even if it's just 'chit chat' type messages that you've found).

Given your situation, you need to decide what you want to do. If you think you want to stay in the marriage / even turn a blind eye or leave him, that will dictate the approach you take.

I have zero tolerance for any form of cheating so I'd try and get the phone and send myself any evidence and then confront him very firmly and bluff that I know everything and demand the truth. Then I'd tell him to pack his bags!

EliosBackPack · 21/09/2023 17:27

Sorry, but sounds likely.

Freezingcoldinseptember · 21/09/2023 17:29

I the meanwhile get an sti test. Vital in pregnancy to be healthy.... If he has put your baby's health at risk he is even more of a twat.

SherbetLemonn · 21/09/2023 17:31

Fuck sake, I’m so sorry OP, this is awful for you. I do think it’s incredibly likely he’s cheating on you, I just can’t see why else he’d have taken that video, unless to send to the woman in question. Also he’s obviously deleting messages, if I understand correctly, and is in pretty constant communication with her.

smellykelly23 · 21/09/2023 17:31

The only other plausible explanation (and it's a very long shot) is that he fancies her and somehow gets off on filming himself masturbating while fantasising about her and using her name, that's the best possible scenario and it's not good either is it?

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's so despicable that men do things like this especially when their wives are pregnant and vulnerable. I'm sorry but I do think there is something going on.

goingslightlyinsane · 21/09/2023 17:35

I'm so sorry your going through this, whilst pregnant with your twins and such young children.
If I were you I don't think I could not mention it immediately. It unfortunately does sound rather suspicious.

Did you screen shot things you saw? Are you going to confront him?
Sending a big hug to you right now. I really hope there is an explanation.

amechange · 21/09/2023 17:37

@TheBrazies Do you know any of his co-workers, can you ask for a meeting with someone higher up. I would try and ask people who work in the hospital if they have noticed anything between them, there are cameras everywhere in hospital too

RichardArmitagesWife · 21/09/2023 17:38

I'm so sorry, OP. There's no conceivable innocent explanation for this.

Original poster
TheBrazies · 21/09/2023 17:39

amechange · 21/09/2023 17:37

@TheBrazies Do you know any of his co-workers, can you ask for a meeting with someone higher up. I would try and ask people who work in the hospital if they have noticed anything between them, there are cameras everywhere in hospital too

I don't, he only started last month and we don't talk about work very often. He hasn't really mentioned anyone at his new job.

OP posts:
Florenceatemycake · 21/09/2023 17:40

You poor thing. This is terrible.

Normally I'm not suspicious but in this case I think he's definitely cheating. Can't really see any other explanation.

Greenqueen40 · 21/09/2023 17:40

@amechange I presume that's a joke post? Ask a manager? Check hospital cameras??!! Dont be ridiculous. ED staff are notorious for cheating unfortunately, hope its innocent this time though.

Original poster
TheBrazies · 21/09/2023 17:42

Greenqueen40 · 21/09/2023 17:40

@amechange I presume that's a joke post? Ask a manager? Check hospital cameras??!! Dont be ridiculous. ED staff are notorious for cheating unfortunately, hope its innocent this time though.

I was thinking, if I went into his incredibly busy hospital, who are normally saving lives and asked to speak to someone about my husbands potential affair they'd look at me like I was silly!!

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 21/09/2023 17:45

I'm sorry. Get your ducks organised before you let him know that you know. Don't involve his colleagues at all. You need to find your silent anger and vast amounts of your self-esteem and dignity. They'll carry you through.

Worriedaboutpp · 21/09/2023 17:46

TheBrazies · 21/09/2023 17:42

I was thinking, if I went into his incredibly busy hospital, who are normally saving lives and asked to speak to someone about my husbands potential affair they'd look at me like I was silly!!

Show quote history

Yes, please don't go to the hospital. This is a private situation between you and your husband. I hope it all works out okay for you

Rosiiee · 21/09/2023 17:48

Wait hang on, going against the grain here. Why would he have willingly given you his phone and left it with you unsupervised if he was cheating? That’s not cheater behaviour?

BlastedPimples · 21/09/2023 17:52

Oh op, it looks pretty shit to be honest.

You must be feeling dreadful. I'm sorry. It is just horrible to find things like that.

I would gather as much evidence as possible. Then ask him first. Then present the evidence. Then ask him to leave. He must leave so that he understands how serious this is.

ED staff are notorious for cheating? Are they? Blimey. Why? The high pressure? Strong bonds with colleagues etc?

Older73 · 21/09/2023 17:52

,

OhComeOnFFS · 21/09/2023 17:54

I'm really sorry, but I can't think of any other reason why he'd take a video of himself like that. I'm so sorry; that's all you need when you're pregnant with twins.

Riverlee · 21/09/2023 17:59

Definitely an emotional affair, maybe more.

Maybe he gave op the phone without thinking. And/or didn’t expect her to find the messages.

Definitely screenshot the evidence. Whether you confront sooner, or wait to get more info is up to you. Really sorry you’re in this situation.