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Original poster

To think saying no to this doesn't make me 'nasty'

117 replies

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:24

My ex has children by three women. Me - two uni age. Ex-wife - 3 kids 12-9. Ex-GF - 2 kids 7 & 5. For context his ex-wife and ex-GF hate each other.

During the summer my girls had a few days where they had all 5 half-siblings over to visit at our house. This was nothing to do with me in terms of childcare or anything (this is relevant). The girls did it all as they wanted to spend time with their siblings. I was happy for them to do so.

Ex's parents are lovely people. They have a wonderful relationship with my girls that they made the effort to cultivate (by asking me for time with them) when their son wasn't bothered. They haven't spoken to him for around 7 years. They have always sent presents and made efforts with all of the children. Ex-GF has allowed contact since she split with ex so they have a good relationship with those two children. Ex-wife never has and is still reluctant.

Ex-wife admits herself that she was "horrible" to my girls and, frankly, I'll never forgive that.

Ex-wife has said that her children are asking to see their half-siblings so has asked me to facilitate the 5 younger children meeting at my house while the girls are away at uni, rather than them having to wait until the holidays.
Their grandparents have said numerous times that they'd have all the children at theirs, but ex-wife is reluctant to do that.

Apparently I'm now 'nasty and mean' because I've said no to giving up my saturday mornings once every 6 weeks to facilitate this.

I've got three children at home still. One of whom is severely disabled with a life-limiting health condition. Literally the only thing I did for the children all coming round in the summer was to have my children put away any special/new toys that they didn't want played with. That's it. On one occasion I wasn't even here!

I'm a people pleaser 99% of the time, but I'm trying to get better, but now because it's children involved I'm doubting myself. I just don't want to spend a morning with 5 extra children. ex-MIL would love to have them all - and she, exFIL and exSIL are all perfectly capable of looking after them.

OP posts:
Original poster
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:26

And in case any one asks - ex can't facilitate it because he no longer has any contact with any of the children.

OP posts:
AlisonDonut · 20/09/2023 15:29

How do you know you are nasty and mean?

I'd probably respond with 'yeah probably' and block her.

Woahtherehoney · 20/09/2023 15:29

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. If she wants the kids to spend time together she can do it at her house - especially as your girls won’t even be there!

HeckyPeck · 20/09/2023 15:30

That's such a bizarre request from her. Why can't she and the ex-GF arrange for their children to meet up. Why on earth would she think you have to be involved when your children won't even be there!?

It would be a hell no from me.

Clymene · 20/09/2023 15:32

Why should host a get together for 5 children who are nothing to do with you? How bizarre

Curseofthenation · 20/09/2023 15:33

She wants a free Saturday morning every six weeks and is pissed off that you haven't jumped for joy at the prospect. Don't think on it further. She's a CF.

Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 15:33

Op you know this is not unreasonable

BlondeFool · 20/09/2023 15:34

Bonkers. Block her.

Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 15:34

She was nasty to your children? Good grief OP. Gobsmacked you have any contact with her.

contact with your children should be when the children are with their father. Not someone who was nasty to your children

Original poster
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:37

You know when something seems so bonkers you think you must be missing something? That's where I've been at with this.

It's like obviously I'm not going to do it. Why would I? Yet for her to ask means I must be missing something - nobody would be that unreasonable surely?!

I'll blame the lack of sleep for the doubt.

I'm going to message her back and say no. The children's grandparents are more than happy to have them anytime so it's not the only chance they get. It's nothing to do with me.

Thanks

OP posts:
Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 15:39

You h worry he doesn’t have any contact

good heavens

3 women
7 children

all connected with 1 waster of a man

notlucreziaborgia · 20/09/2023 15:39

My response to that statement would be, and indeed has been, “Yes, yes I am ☺️”

and block.

ManateeFair · 20/09/2023 15:39

There's absolutely no reason on earth why you should facilitate this. The only connection the children have with you are your two oldest kids, so if they're not there, it makes zero sense for them to meet at your house. Ex-wife is awful for stopping her kids from seeing their grandparents and expecting you to pick up the slack. The only mean and nasty person here is the ex-wife, who is the only one who has made things difficult. I can see why the ex-GF hates her.

I must say your ex also sounds like an absolute shit.

Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 15:40

When you say she’s admitted to being nasty to your girls

What did she admit to? And why do you have any contact with her?

tiredofthenoise · 20/09/2023 15:41

Why would you care what she thinks? It has nothing to do with you, because your own children who are in the 'half-sibling' group won't even be there. I'd be cutting contact with her if she won't stop making ridiculous demands and insulting you when you don't give in to her whims.

Original poster
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:42

Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 15:39

You h worry he doesn’t have any contact

good heavens

3 women
7 children

all connected with 1 waster of a man

I have no worry that he has no contact. My girls are far better off since they made the decision to cut him off.

He was lovely when we met as teens. Spent a fortune on fertility treatment when we struggled to start a family. Then went down the classic route of turning up the control when I was heavily pregnant and our girls were born. He left when they were 6 months old thinking I'd beg him back. He's been in and out of their lives since (often using the family court) to try and punish me for having the temerity to not take him back

All of the children are far better off without him (although he'll use the family court when it suits him with the younger ones still I have no doubt).

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 20/09/2023 15:44

You would have to be a saint of some sorts to do this!!

Original poster
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:44

I'm not in regular contact with her.

I've only had contact once for her to ask this. She put a note through my door asking and I messaged her on the number she left to say no. She replied to say she felt it was nasty and mean to deprive the children of the opportunity to spend time together.

OP posts:
Serendipitoushedgehog · 20/09/2023 15:45

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:37

You know when something seems so bonkers you think you must be missing something? That's where I've been at with this.

It's like obviously I'm not going to do it. Why would I? Yet for her to ask means I must be missing something - nobody would be that unreasonable surely?!

I'll blame the lack of sleep for the doubt.

I'm going to message her back and say no. The children's grandparents are more than happy to have them anytime so it's not the only chance they get. It's nothing to do with me.

Thanks

It's nothing to do with me.

Exactly. If your children aren't involved then what the other two exes do with their children is really nothing to do with you.

Itick8outof10boxes · 20/09/2023 15:45

"Jog right on love and sort your own kids out not my problem." Breathe and block.

Ponderingwindow · 20/09/2023 15:45

They can host this gathering in their own homes.

TomatoSandwiches · 20/09/2023 15:46

Good god you'd be totally within your right to laugh at her down the phone whilst telling her to fuck off.

TiredMamOfTwo · 20/09/2023 15:46

Why can't they do it at their homes? Confused nothing to do with you. I'd just block her.

Itick8outof10boxes · 20/09/2023 15:46

Hopefully someone will get your ex neutered.

Olika · 20/09/2023 15:46

Curseofthenation · 20/09/2023 15:33

She wants a free Saturday morning every six weeks and is pissed off that you haven't jumped for joy at the prospect. Don't think on it further. She's a CF.

Exactly