To think saying no to this doesn't make me 'nasty'

[YetMoreNewBeginnings]

My ex has children by three women. Me - two uni age. Ex-wife - 3 kids 12-9. Ex-GF - 2 kids 7 & 5. For context his ex-wife and ex-GF hate each other.

During the summer my girls had a few days where they had all 5 half-siblings over to visit at our house. This was nothing to do with me in terms of childcare or anything (this is relevant). The girls did it all as they wanted to spend time with their siblings. I was happy for them to do so.

Ex's parents are lovely people. They have a wonderful relationship with my girls that they made the effort to cultivate (by asking me for time with them) when their son wasn't bothered. They haven't spoken to him for around 7 years. They have always sent presents and made efforts with all of the children. Ex-GF has allowed contact since she split with ex so they have a good relationship with those two children. Ex-wife never has and is still reluctant.

Ex-wife admits herself that she was "horrible" to my girls and, frankly, I'll never forgive that.

Ex-wife has said that her children are asking to see their half-siblings so has asked me to facilitate the 5 younger children meeting at my house while the girls are away at uni, rather than them having to wait until the holidays.
Their grandparents have said numerous times that they'd have all the children at theirs, but ex-wife is reluctant to do that.

Apparently I'm now 'nasty and mean' because I've said no to giving up my saturday mornings once every 6 weeks to facilitate this.

I've got three children at home still. One of whom is severely disabled with a life-limiting health condition. Literally the only thing I did for the children all coming round in the summer was to have my children put away any special/new toys that they didn't want played with. That's it. On one occasion I wasn't even here!

I'm a people pleaser 99% of the time, but I'm trying to get better, but now because it's children involved I'm doubting myself. I just don't want to spend a morning with 5 extra children. ex-MIL would love to have them all - and she, exFIL and exSIL are all perfectly capable of looking after them.

Absolutely nothing to do with you, and the obvious places for this gathering to take place would be at either of the mothers’ homes or the GPs. But make sure you and your daughters are ready with a response for when she asks again in the Christmas holidays when they are home.

They are batshit OP! Your girls sound so lovely and really kind older sisters. You’ve already IMO done a lot by letting everyone meet at your home. This really is bonkers and you’re being absolutely correct! Well done for having boundaries, these exes are crazy!!

If ex girlfriend was responsible for the break up of the marriage and if it got nasty around, she maybe has far too much animosity and hasn't yet moved on,so wants to avoid any contact at all with her.
Regardless, it ain't your problem.
You could just ask her why she won't engage with ex girlfriend or inlaws before blocking her .

They’re several hundred miles away and she knows they’re not coming home until Christmas so they should be ok, but I’ll give them a heads up.

Yanbu x

It was actually the other way round - she and ex split up. He met the exGF. Then he cheated on exGF with ex-wife while ex-GF was pregnant. He went back to ex-wife, but then left her again shortly after for someone else.

She’s the one who has behaved the worst (other than ex who is the worst of all) - to me, my girls, ex Pils, and exGF - yet has the biggest chip on her shoulder.

She and the ex were quite well suited tbh.

Poor ex-MIL.

Tbh the girls will be quite happy to have them round.

I have zero issues with my girls using their home to meet up with their siblings when it’s their choice. None at all.

I just don’t want to babysit 5 random kids.

YANBU, she told you she was nasty and now she’s being nasty to you because she didn’t get her way.

I would reply to her and remind her that as your girls are both adults they will arrange themselves when they see their younger siblings, that you are aware that the grandparents are very happy to see any of the children, and that she doesn't need to contact you about this again.

I've got three children at home still. One of whom is severely disabled with a life-limiting health condition.

I would send her that exact sentence with the additions that you had NOTHING to do with the preparation of the previous meet up, that your daughters are at uni currently and will arrange further meets when they can AND point out that the GPs are more than happy to do it.

The CF ex-wife doesn't get to have her way and demand that it be done to her liking, especially when it requires zero effort from her!

Grandparents are happy to host, you have a disabled child. You are being reasonable to say no.

Dads like the one you describe should have a lifelong sanction for their behaviour, perhaps denying them a passport.

Jesus CHRIST!! It took me to the fifth or so update to click that she wants you to have the kids there to meet WHILE YOUR GIRLS ARE AWAY?!!!

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!!

I'm howling 😂

This one needs to go in classic CFs!!

Sounds like she wants free babysitter regularly and wants to maintain her control of being nasty herself to IL’s who want contact with their grandchildren.

she sounds entitled and batshit, and nasty.

best reply as you’ve done, nope and ignore.

Surely she is the one depriving her children? She is the one who won't contact the ex-GF and arrange for the children to spend time together. She's perfectly capable of doing so, even if "ex-wife and ex-GF hate each other". It's called 'putting your children's best interests before your own'. And it sounds as if she needs the practice!

If she does get back in touch, I'd just point out that SHE is the one being nasty and mean, since all she has to do is contact the ex-GF and arrange it. You have quite enough on your plate as it is. You were kind enough to suggest that the grandparents would do it, and she doesn't want that either. So - fuck her.

Of course you aren’t.

And no way do you want to be entangled between them. The GPS are standing by to facilitate so ex-wife can suck that up.

Your children and their needs come first. yanbu.

What an arse you all got involved with - only redeeming feature is your fab out-laws.

I'm gobsmacked at the CFery too.

But it's just dawned in me that not only is she asking you to provide venue (your house) and babysitting but she also seems to want you to do the admin of contacting ex GF to arrange it, as they don't speak. WTAF?

Very strange don't feel bad saying no.
From her history you know she has poor judgement.
So many options park, cinema, playgrounds ECT for children to meet up can't see why your house on list.
The children probably enjoyed it and asked can we go there again.
Ah well get back to you own life leave her to it doesn't matter what she thinks of you.

Well, it's easy to see why your exPIL have no relationship with the exWife out of all of their son's partners!

Your own older children are the only ones related to these children (as half siblings) if I have understood correctly and they won't even be there.

No, you are not being at all unreasonable to say no to hosting a gaggle of children who are not even related to you on the whim of one of their cheeky fucker mothers.

Do not back down here. Stick to your guns. If cheeky fucker tries to argue and guilt trip you then just block her.

What is stopping her from hosting this mad gathering if she so desperate for it to happen?

Well she's a twat.

Why can't they just come to hers?

I'd have been tempted to reply: "Don't be so silly."

Jeez!

Anyway. Not your job those children are literally nothing to do with you- just your children.

Say that then? You're happy for your children to facilitate these meet ups at your house but you have enough on your plate at the moment.