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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think saying no to this doesn't make me 'nasty'

117 replies

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:24

My ex has children by three women. Me - two uni age. Ex-wife - 3 kids 12-9. Ex-GF - 2 kids 7 & 5. For context his ex-wife and ex-GF hate each other.

During the summer my girls had a few days where they had all 5 half-siblings over to visit at our house. This was nothing to do with me in terms of childcare or anything (this is relevant). The girls did it all as they wanted to spend time with their siblings. I was happy for them to do so.

Ex's parents are lovely people. They have a wonderful relationship with my girls that they made the effort to cultivate (by asking me for time with them) when their son wasn't bothered. They haven't spoken to him for around 7 years. They have always sent presents and made efforts with all of the children. Ex-GF has allowed contact since she split with ex so they have a good relationship with those two children. Ex-wife never has and is still reluctant.

Ex-wife admits herself that she was "horrible" to my girls and, frankly, I'll never forgive that.

Ex-wife has said that her children are asking to see their half-siblings so has asked me to facilitate the 5 younger children meeting at my house while the girls are away at uni, rather than them having to wait until the holidays.
Their grandparents have said numerous times that they'd have all the children at theirs, but ex-wife is reluctant to do that.

Apparently I'm now 'nasty and mean' because I've said no to giving up my saturday mornings once every 6 weeks to facilitate this.

I've got three children at home still. One of whom is severely disabled with a life-limiting health condition. Literally the only thing I did for the children all coming round in the summer was to have my children put away any special/new toys that they didn't want played with. That's it. On one occasion I wasn't even here!

I'm a people pleaser 99% of the time, but I'm trying to get better, but now because it's children involved I'm doubting myself. I just don't want to spend a morning with 5 extra children. ex-MIL would love to have them all - and she, exFIL and exSIL are all perfectly capable of looking after them.

OP posts:
Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 15:48

Can you post the messages? Because this woman really is something else and I cant get my head around her logic!!

Scruffington · 20/09/2023 15:49

of course yanbu

and I hope he's tied a knot in his knob at this point.

Jofromthebakery · 20/09/2023 15:49

She's nuts. What's wrong with her place? You have more than enough on your plate without this crazy woman in your life.

Ponoka7 · 20/09/2023 15:49

The best people to do this would be the GP, unless they've took their son's side and been toxic to her or the children, there's no reason for them not to.

HohiyiKozbevi · 20/09/2023 15:50

Why on earth would you be involved in these get-togethers?

They can take place at either the exW's house, or the exGF's house, or the grandparent's house. It's nothing to do with you.

Yanbu

Fallingthroughclouds · 20/09/2023 15:50

Unless you're running a childcare facility and she's paying you, tell her to fuck off.

Original poster
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:51

Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 15:48

Can you post the messages? Because this woman really is something else and I cant get my head around her logic!!

There's nothing dramatic in them.

She put a note through my door saying that her children had been asking to meet up with the two younger children, but obviously she and ex-GF can't organise anything so would I have the 5 of them at mine on a Saturday every 6 weeks or so rather than them having to wait until my girls were next home.

I messaged her on the number she left and said that I couldn't do that, but I know that ex-PIL would be delighted to.

She replied saying it was nasty and mean to deprive the children of time with each other and that I knew she couldn't ask exPIL.

OP posts:
Velvian · 20/09/2023 15:51

She can have them at hers if she won't let the GPs have them.

babytum · 20/09/2023 15:52

Your girls won’t even be there?
Why on earth isn’t she taking her children to meet up with the ex girlfriend’s children on her own time with that other mother?
Its such a bizarre request it actually didn’t deserve a response.

funinthesun19 · 20/09/2023 15:54

Yanbu. Neither of you (you and the ex wife) are responsible for maintaining a relationship between the children. That’s their dad’s job. So I think she should chill out and stop making it her job as well as yours and she just concentrates on her own children. MIL as their joint grandparent will be a good support network to them, but ultimately it’s on their dad to make sure the siblings see each other.

HohiyiKozbevi · 20/09/2023 15:54

She replied to say she felt it was nasty and mean to deprive the children of the opportunity to spend time together.

Reply - I am not depriving the children of anything by declining to provide free childcare to children who are completely unrelated to me. You have many options to work with the mum of the other children to ensure they can spend time together, you just don't have the right to force any unrelated 3rd party (ie me) to provide the supervision for it.

Original poster
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:55

Ponoka7 · 20/09/2023 15:49

The best people to do this would be the GP, unless they've took their son's side and been toxic to her or the children, there's no reason for them not to.

They've never been anything but nice to the children. She had a run-in with them when she was with him because they both felt the GPs were utterly unreasonable taking my girls to a family wedding in Italy that they weren't attending. It made him look bad apparently. They offered for her and the children to go with them (ex was going to be away with the military) and she took offence at that and called them controlling.

They've always sent birthday and Christmas presents and she was more than happy for the GP's to see the children here in the summer, and have days out with the GPs when it suited.

They actually cut their son off long before she did. They've never taken his side.

OP posts:
Ffsmakeitstop · 20/09/2023 15:55

Why wouldn't she just contact the other mum? Bizarre.

Original poster
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:56

funinthesun19 · 20/09/2023 15:54

Yanbu. Neither of you (you and the ex wife) are responsible for maintaining a relationship between the children. That’s their dad’s job. So I think she should chill out and stop making it her job as well as yours and she just concentrates on her own children. MIL as their joint grandparent will be a good support network to them, but ultimately it’s on their dad to make sure the siblings see each other.

The Dad doesn't see any of the children. Far less facilitate relationships between them all.

OP posts:
Original poster
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:58

I've replied saying that I'm not willing to do that and she can ask exPIL and I'm sure they'll be delighted to help.

There won't be any juicy updates or anything as I've blocked her.

Thanks

OP posts:
Goldbar · 20/09/2023 16:01

Why can't she do it at her house? Ex-GF and her don't have to speak beyond her opening the door to let the children in.

ohdamnitjanet · 20/09/2023 16:02

Hell no. She can go swing, You, your children, and his parents sound amazing though.

funinthesun19 · 20/09/2023 16:07

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:56

The Dad doesn't see any of the children. Far less facilitate relationships between them all.

Show quote history

Ah sorry. Well the best person after him then is their grandparents. The GP are willing to have them all and it is somewhere and someone the children are all familiar with. I think the ex wife is being silly to decline that offer.

ZadocPDederick · 20/09/2023 16:07

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 20/09/2023 15:44

I'm not in regular contact with her.

I've only had contact once for her to ask this. She put a note through my door asking and I messaged her on the number she left to say no. She replied to say she felt it was nasty and mean to deprive the children of the opportunity to spend time together.

So why can't she give them that opportunity? Surely she's at least as nasty and mean as she accuses you of being?

Ohambassador · 20/09/2023 16:08

She replied saying it was nasty and mean to deprive the children of time with each other and that I knew she couldn't ask exPIL.

I just wanted to see the message with this bare faced cheek

then again - if she was nasty to your girls and admits it so, then I can’t fathom her in any sense

DepartureLounge · 20/09/2023 16:09

If she wants all the kids to get together she just needs to be more mature in her relationship with either the other ex or the GPs. Most of us would see that as a no-brainer where our children's wellbeing was concerned but she's hoping you'll save her from having to be a grown-up. The fact that that isn't your responsibility, and isn't even particularly appropriate, doesn't make you even remotely nasty.

GoryBory · 20/09/2023 16:17

has asked me to facilitate the 5 younger children meeting at my house while the girls are away at uni

So your girls, their siblings, won’t even be there!
She’s one of the biggest CFs I’ve seen on MN.

If she’s so desperate for her kids to spend time with their siblings (which I do think is a good idea) then she needs to suck it up and speak to the grandparents or have them all at her house.

LittleOwl153 · 20/09/2023 16:20

Have you let your girls know about this... the last thing they need whilst away is being pressured by the ex to take all the kids again.

Viviennemary · 20/09/2023 16:30

YANBU. They are ridiculous.

GingerIsBest · 20/09/2023 16:30

You kind of have to laugh surely? I mean, the brass neck is kind of hilarious. If her note was grovelling, acknowledging how completely unreasonable it is to ask but suggesting she was desperate... I could maybe understand but...

good on you OP