To think saying no to this doesn't make me 'nasty'

[YetMoreNewBeginnings]

My ex has children by three women. Me - two uni age. Ex-wife - 3 kids 12-9. Ex-GF - 2 kids 7 & 5. For context his ex-wife and ex-GF hate each other.

During the summer my girls had a few days where they had all 5 half-siblings over to visit at our house. This was nothing to do with me in terms of childcare or anything (this is relevant). The girls did it all as they wanted to spend time with their siblings. I was happy for them to do so.

Ex's parents are lovely people. They have a wonderful relationship with my girls that they made the effort to cultivate (by asking me for time with them) when their son wasn't bothered. They haven't spoken to him for around 7 years. They have always sent presents and made efforts with all of the children. Ex-GF has allowed contact since she split with ex so they have a good relationship with those two children. Ex-wife never has and is still reluctant.

Ex-wife admits herself that she was "horrible" to my girls and, frankly, I'll never forgive that.

Ex-wife has said that her children are asking to see their half-siblings so has asked me to facilitate the 5 younger children meeting at my house while the girls are away at uni, rather than them having to wait until the holidays.
Their grandparents have said numerous times that they'd have all the children at theirs, but ex-wife is reluctant to do that.

Apparently I'm now 'nasty and mean' because I've said no to giving up my saturday mornings once every 6 weeks to facilitate this.

I've got three children at home still. One of whom is severely disabled with a life-limiting health condition. Literally the only thing I did for the children all coming round in the summer was to have my children put away any special/new toys that they didn't want played with. That's it. On one occasion I wasn't even here!

I'm a people pleaser 99% of the time, but I'm trying to get better, but now because it's children involved I'm doubting myself. I just don't want to spend a morning with 5 extra children. ex-MIL would love to have them all - and she, exFIL and exSIL are all perfectly capable of looking after them.

But even if he is a manipulator
hearing a man has 7 children by 3 different women is surely all any future women would need to know?

It’s never stopped him so far. As I said in my last post - the last one my girls knew of thinks its terrible how he’s treated…

That’s always happened. Every woman he’s ever been with in the 20+ years since he and I split has believed him.

He dragged me to family court 6 times. Despite the fact I never prevented him seeing the girls (because I knew family court would let him anyway). So every time he’d play the psycho ex card, they’d ‘support him’ going to court, my girls would get dragged into the game of sporadic contact until the relationship ended at which point he’d drop them like hot potatoes. Then the next one would come along, he’d play the psycho card and the merry-go-round would start again.

Since my girls were too old for that he’s done it multiple times to the other two he has children with.

Manipulative doesn’t even cover him. He’s something else entirely.

Why would he take you to court if you literally stood there saying you had no problem with contact? Genuine question!

I don’t know how to work this diplomatically but does it occur to you Op that give you weren’t sure whether this very very very obvious CF was being unreasonable Or not - would indicate you are still vulnerable to manipulation?

So be careful!

Because he’s a nasty piece of work. And mostly because it looked better for him in front of the girlfriends. If I said “but I’m happy to make an agreement” he’d tell them I always said that and always broke it…

The first time he did it he went to court asking for EOW and every Wednesday after school. He was in the military and lived 80 miles away. He got what he asked for despite the fact it was utterly impractical and he couldn’t possibly stick to it. In three years he turned up on five occasions. Yet the next time he went to court, because he turned up and we weren’t home (hadn’t seen him for 7 months at that point) it was me that got told off for not having the girls available on his time. I was expected (until I eventually went to court myself) to have my girls sat ready EOW even though 99.9% of the time he wouldn’t turn up.

Abusive and manipulative men are known to use the family court as a tool.

Totally bizarre

Him saying he wants X
You say ok
He takes you to court

Almost as if manipulative and abusive men behave in ways that aren’t normal…

it’s not uncommon for them to use the family courts like that

No his behaviour is expected from a man with 7 children by three women and no contact with any of them

what is bizarre is the fact that this somehow reached family court

Given he was asking for something and you were saying yes

He’s just bizarre all over

He’s the man that spent ££££ on fertility treatment for us and then after he left one of his accusations was that I trapped him…

So you’ll not find logic in his actions unless you can somehow understand that level of manipulation.

And the family courts are often participants in an abuse and manipulation- it’s a well known tactic. Just making plans with me didn’t give him the chance to tell lies about me in a court. Just making plans with me didn’t force me to spend money on legal help. Just making plans with me didn’t mean I had to take time off work etc.
it’s all part of his game. Over and over.

Thankfully my girls are adults now and have made their own decisions about him after being met down once too often.

You are not wrong. It really sounds like your ex and his ex-wife are well suited!

I read your op and initially thought it was a shame you wouldn't do this for your own children. Then I reread it and realised that they wouldn't even be there! She's the very definition of a CF. And that's not even taking into account the fact that she treated your children badly.

Wow!!

she sounds like a user tell her to look after her own children and give nanny and grandad a chance to spend time with them dont waste your time thinking anything about her cheeky cow

He’s just bizarre all over

well he’s clearly more sinister than bizarre

My point was that it was bizarre that one parent wants X. The other parent says Ok. The other parent takes the parent to court AND it actually reaches court.

the entire time before it hit court you were saying - ok, that’s fine, ok. And yet legal professionals still took it forward to court.

That is what I find so bizarre

You’re not depriving them of the opportunity to spend time together

OP - nothing you say about this man surprises me. Sadly, not even the fact that the court landed up being complicit. Seems to be so common.

This sort of conversation between exBIL and SIL is so common

exBIL: I'm going to take you to court because you're stopping me from seeing the DC?
SIL: No Im not, you can see them anytime you want, I just ask that you let me know in advance.
exBIL - I don't have to let you know anything in advance, they're my children. If I come on a Saturday and you tell me I can't do something, you're keeping them from me and I'll take you to court
SIL: But on Saturday DC are at football, you're welcome to take them to football or go and watch their match, but they're not here. if you texted me in advance, I'd tell you where they are.
exBIL: oh, that's right, you just want someone to do childcare so that you can go to the hairdresser
SIL: What? I went to the hairdresser once, when you said you were going to come and take the DC for the day? Then you tried to cancel at the last minute and I told you that didn't work as I couldn't have them?
exBIL: I'm going to take you to court. You're a complete bitch who just wants to use me for childcare. And who keeps me from the children.

You couldn't make this up because no one would believe you.

Don't feel guilty. She can facilitate her own get together.
Move on. The cheek of some people