Sister announces wedding just before mine

[Finallygettingmarried]

Due to get married in Feb next year, has been planned almost a year.
Nothing big and flashy, but a small do with family and friends, very low key and rustic, in quaint little village hall.

Sister called to let me know she's getting married just before Xmas (this year), she's been married before and they're planning a small ceremony too.

I'm normally very laid back and really don't have much of an ego about stealing thunder. And of course, I'm really happy for them.

But it just made me feel a bit..funny?! Am I being stupid?

For a bit of background, we get on okay, we've had our ups and downs, but we get on fine now. Very different people - she's quite 'showy' and materialistic I guess, very competitive and I prefer a more quiet life. But she's a nice person and can be caring (sometimes!).

What do you think?

@Finallygettingmarried
Your family and friends will be happy at your wedding. Her family and friends will be happy at het wedding.

With all of that happening there won't be much thunder to steal. Guests attending a wedding generally don't care very much about the proximity of one wedding to another.

Of course you’re being unreasonable and honestly bringing up it’s her second wedding in every post and making snide comments about her makes you sound bitchy.

I got married on short notice like your sister did (we announced in the September and Married in the December) and it wasn’t to spite anyone, it was because that worked best for us and we didn’t see the point of a long engagement! We got a fantastic offer and found dates that worked and went for it.

It’s nowhere near your wedding date? Why exactly are you so bothered? Your sister getting married a few months before you has literally no bearing on your wedding and you come off as the competitive one honestly. ‘Stealing your thunder’ seriously? Maybe she doesn’t want to wait till after Feb to get Married. If you’re one of these people who has a two year engagement you’re being really unreasonable expecting nobody else to get married before you and yes that includes family. She didn’t even choose the month before or your wedding month ffs.

Etiquette my ass!!! Are immediate family members only 'allowed' to get married in a specific order??! Nuts.

Listen @Finallygettingmarried- once you are married, nobody will remember which one of you got married first. Or when your wedding was.

Weddings are important to the couple getting married. Much less so for everyone else.

How is your sister getting married slightly before you going to make even the slightest bit of difference to you and your wedding?

Only thing I can think of is that people may find it expensive if they are attending both weddings, with Christmas in the middle. However, as your sister has been married before and you haven't, it would be quite cheeky of her to expect to get all the wedding gifts for a second time.

Focus on things that are important. This is not important.

It sounds quite dodgy to me. I can’t imagine doing that to a sister. Sorry, op. I hope you have a wonderful wedding.

So if any of your close family are getting married……. Does that mean you have to wait a full 6 months after their wedding before it’s acceptable to have your own wedding? Come on that’s just silly. Every couple is on their own journey and gets married whenever they want to. I thought you were going to say she’s getting married a week before and at the same venue - that would be a dick move. But months before and at a different venue… complete non issue.

I get it OP. Especially with the history.

BUT.

Christmas and New Year will form a watershed of sorts between the two.

There is a reasonable stretch between anyway, even if they are quite close-ish.

There's a payday between so people won't be worrying overly about paying for 2 presents and 2 outfits, taxis, hairdressers etc.

It's not going to be a massive shindig upstaging yours (not that people would see it that way anyway).

You've shown joy for her. Continue to be gracious but put this to the back of your mind and enjoy planning your wedding.

OP, why is it relevant that it's your sister's second wedding? I know some people find big second weddings distasteful, but you say she's only planning a small ceremony. Are you religious and believe it's immoral for divorcees to remarry? (I'm guessing she's divorced, not widowed.)

Hah. I had to comment because I don’t think many of these other posters have actually had this experience (or possibly even a sibling like this) - but I have had basically the exact same thing happen and I totally get you. Sibling relationships like this are a funny thing, obviously you want the absolute best for each other but sometimes you just want to have your own thing without them butting in! So yes I get you and I would be annoyed (mostly by her leaping in and getting married first, i know it feels like she almost needs to beat you out).

But that being said, I don’t think it’s something to bring up and make a fuss about with family or anything. ultimately your marriages are entirely separate things and when the day comes, you’ll want her to be happy. Also presumably she’s gone through a divorce so it hasn’t been that easy for her either. So maybe vent a bit to a close friend but otherwise just laugh it off and be happy that you’ll both be happy!

Apparently I stole my DM's thunder when j chose to get married the same year she married her 3rd husband - six months later. I'm still not sure what to say about that.

OP if you want to keep a decent relationship with her, probably best not to say anything. Weddings are scheduled around the couple's convenience first, aren't they?

The world does not stop because someone is getting married

I also think a lot of posters haven’t had this happen to them. A very good friend of mine got engaged and was engaged for about 2 years with no plans made. I got engaged and we booked our venue quickly. Within weeks us doing that friend booked her wedding and made sure it was before ours which actually meant her organising her wedding in 2/3 months.

perhaps we just inspired her to get going but I did find it annoying at the time. But would never have said to her about it obviously.

I just think she wanted to be married before me to be honest.

Three months isn't just before OP. It's not like it's the week or two before yours.

You're overreacting. Sorry.

Seriously??? Does you ego draw small planets into it's orbit? If you knew how self obsessed this story made you sound youn wouldnt share it.

@Finallygettingmarried this is exactly the type of thing my sister would do to steal my thunder, she's been making short notice grand gestures and OTT announcements all her life. I think you'll be ok. Christmas and New Year are a good separator.

No small ego here but when there are so many wedding venues where you live and they choose the exact same one only months later.

there is history here that whatever I have or get sil needs it too , so that played a part in the feelings.

you can go back to your own wee bitchy world now!

And? Why does it matter? If a couple is happy to get married sure that is more important than who else gets married when, unless the day itself is more important the actual marriage?

Not everyone needs the big white wedding with added drama and being a 'princess'

Some people genuinely don't care who get married when it is just more events to attend which may be a good thing, to some people

😀😀

I think what I actually find touching about these kinds of posts is the idea that people genuinely believe or want to believe their wedding is some kind of unique expression of originality. Clearly, having someone you know get married close in time to you and/or at the same venue wrecks the illusion that your wedding is a one-off, and that your barn/ hog roast/icecream van/ floral crown/choreographed first dance (complete with the lift from Dirty Dancing) are acts of radical originality and will be talked of in your circle for years.

I enjoy weddings, and have enthusiastically worn wellies to a ceremony in the woods, danced ceilidh dances in a barn (it was so cold you had to keep moving!), helped someone raise their family flag over an Oxford college, flown to Italy with a toddler, eaten myself into a near coma at a huge Indian wedding, but I think people need to recognise that a wedding is primarily special to the couple getting married. For the rest of us it’s a potentially enjoyable social occasion whose proximity to another similar one is largely irrelevant.

Three months on, no one is going to be saying ‘Oh, this would be far more special if Dave and Brenda hadn’t got married in November’ or ‘Dave and Brenda’s personalised coaster favours were far more impressive.’

I think, kindly, you’re still overthinking OP. You don’t need to ‘kill her with kindness’ at all, you just need to be yourself. You seem like a nice person, one who is genuinely happy for their happiness, despite the fact the timing isn’t quite what you maybe hoped for, so just be naturally happy, don’t put on an act and make it into a big deal, just be you.
ALSO I don’t think it’ll take any shine off your wedding whatsoever. From my perspective, I bloody love a wedding, so if I was, say, a cousin of yours, I’d be absolutely buzzed to have two big days to attend in 3-4 months. I’d certainly not feel any differently about your wedding, being the latter one, I’d be just as excited to get dressed up and celebrate with you.
Congratulations by the way, I don’t think I said that in my original post.

@WandaWonder i don’t know why it mattered to her to get married before me but it clearly did! Perhaps I just inspired her to get the finger out 🤷🏼‍♀️
i didn’t have a big fussy wedding btw

So what? I can't understand why this is even an issue, unless you think of your sister as a bit part player in the central drama of your own life.

Some people on MN like to make a big display of how nothing would ever bother them (especially if it's wedding related) because they’re so supremely laid back.

Sibling rivalry? Never met her.

Thank you, loads of nice messages and kind words. I'm grateful. I'm even grateful for the one calling me 'bitchy'!! (It's helps me to self-reflect).

Weirdly, I'm not much of a wedding person, hence why it's taken me so long to get here. And I certainly am not normally offended or put out by what other people choose to do in their own lives. I'm very much live and let live.

What this has shown me perhaps (and thank you to those that helped steer me in that direction..), is that this is more to do with our relationship and history. I'd imagine if I was really close to my sister and we had a great relationship, I would be super excited and wouldn't be posting! Just in answer to one or two who asked: she's 3 years older and no chance of pregnancy - her choice (she's early 40s and I'm late 30s, again in response to earlier Q).

And like I said, I am genuinely happy for them, I'll continue to show that (in a genuine non fake way..).

Being honest about my feelings has also shown me that yes I am a massive overthinker and that really - nothing has to be a big deal; things only affect you if you let them.
And thank you for all the congrats and best wishes! 😊x

Not in the same year, both small weddings - nope I would be happy for her.

Firstly , Congratulations to you!

i think society makes us compete even with our own family members this way about random stuff. Films like Bride Wars and Bridezilla seep into our psyche and we think a wedding is somehow some thing to use to compete with others or turn into something more than it is. A wedding is bringing two people together in matrimony and their families together. That is the most beautiful thing to me.

We could use this opportunity to practice the whole point of a wedding: love. Rather than the capitalist side. There is no stealing “thunder ”. There is only ego.

your wedding won’t be seen as too close to your sisters by others. Hers will be a separate event and smaller? Yours will be completely different and with your new bro in law present. How beautiful!

your sister found love again, thats amazing! You are marrying the man you love, how amazing! Wish you both happiness

This sounds likely from what you've said. But at the same time, its only a tiny per cent of her own feelings about her wedding.

Having said that, it only works if you let her and it seems you've wisely decided to forget about it.

I think Christmas being in between will really dilute the whole scenario.

Congratulations and hope you have a wonderful time